She has dementia & lately has taken to hitting, slaping, scratching & kicking her kids. Kids are a son, age 64 and daughter, age 65, who is a teacher. They live at home with her. It is her home and she never signed it over to them. After dad passed, I tried to get mom to put the house in their names. She refused, saying, "It's my house." Mom only worked for 4 years before she married dad and has a very small social security check. My brother & sister pay all the bills-food, groceries, medicines, utility bills, phone, repairs, new roof & carpet, appliances & furniture, income tax, property taxes, clothing, etc. They need to keep working for a few more years, sometimes she even feeds mom although mom is very capable of feeding herself. My sister washes mom's hair & rolls it, bathes her and takes her to the bathroom and to all her doctor appointments. Recently, mom got a hospital bed which they put in the den and mom insists my brother & sister sleep on the couches to be near her. They have been sleeping like that for 3 years. A lot of times she wakes up during the night fussing or crying or just wanting to talk. I don't know how they go to work. Three of the siblings sit with mom while they work. She constantly calls us names, complains, etc. I got a hernia taking her to the bathroom b/c she would only use her walker and sit in it and grind her feet into the carpet which made it difficult to push. I think it's time for mom to be on medicaid and put in a nursing home. However, if we do my 2 siblings will lose the house and have no where to go. Mom says we all owe her. There are 7 of us from age 73 to 63. Dad passed when he was 81, but was always a very kind and giving person who enjoyed having people around and very appreciative which made it easy to help him. What can we do? We live in Texas.
Regarding her aggression and agitation, talk to her physician about meds. Your Mom can't control herself anymore so calming her through medication is merciful to all involved.
She needs to go into a facility so that your siblings can have their lives and health and finances back.
However, in most states Medicaid only pays for LTC, which is assessed as medically necessary by a physician, and then she needs to qualify financially as well. She should be seen by her primary doctor or talk to the admins of the facility to see about Medicaid beds and her needing LTC since she doesn't seem "mobile".
Medicaid doesn't "take houses" but they do put a lien on them that needs to be satisfied when sold or title transferred. See cwillie's response to you. Your siblings should talk to an elder law attorney or Medicaid Planner for Texas to find out exactly what the possibilities are and to make sure they are managing her affairs in a way that won't disqualify her ability to get it.
I do hope when Dad died Mom went to SS to have her portion adjusted. She was already getting half of Dads so she was entitled to the other half. It would be pretty much what he received in SS.
Mom needs care. There are meds to control her aggressiveness.
Were this my mom, she'd have been in a NH many years ago--the level of co-dependency in your family is sad and depressing.
A quick chat with an elder care atty wouldn't go amiss. You do want to do things the right way and not have any more drama.
Sounds like your mom wins Narcissist of the Year award. (I'm not being funny).
What a dysfunctional situation! 7 elders are jumping through the hoops that their nearly-100-year-old mother is placing! I feel so sad for all of you. What was she like when you were growing up?
As for the house, what happens after she passes? There are of seven of you. Will the other siblings come looking for their inheritance and force the sale? Hence putting your two siblings who live there out in the street?
I don't know your siblings but are the others going to be fine with not getting any inheritance?
If the sibs living there in misery taking care of mom and keep her home, should get the entire house. That should be a given but that probably isn't going to happen.
So put her in a nursing home. She belongs in one. Medicaid is sometimes more reasonable to deal with then siblings. They won't just throw your brother and sister into the street if they have nowhere else to go, and if they can prove they've been her caregivers for more than two years. I'm sure they can easily prove that.
Your mother gets Medicare. She also has some other kind of secondary insurance which pays the 20% Medicare does not. This is probably some kind of retirement insurance that was from your father.
Medicare will pay for up to two weeks respite stay a year in a nursing home or memory care facility for a person. This is so their caregivers can get a break from them.
I would strongly recommend you place your mother in respite to give your poor brother and sister a break. During that time the family can meet with the social workers who are available at anywhere you place her for the respite stay. Discuss Medicaid with them and what will happen to your brother and sister. If agreeable terms can be made, leave your mother there and don't take her home.
I hope all of the siblings are going to be considerate of the primary caregivers in the family.
I have seen people become vultures after a death and they don’t care who gets left out in the cold.
All of us need to educate ourselves about the Medicaid laws in our state. It would alleviate some of our anxiety concerning the ‘what if’ scenarios running rampant in our minds.
I agree with everyone else that your mom needs to be on meds to calm down her agitation. Life would be somewhat more tolerable if she were compliant with your requirements.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
He was ultimately shamed into acquiescing, but the family dynamic was never fully restored.
She truly, fairly, kindly, and in her best interests plus her suffering family’s, to be placed in residential treatment.
Never, ever sign a house over to your kids if you've lived there a significant amount of time.
Are you volunteering to care for her mom? If you aren’t volunteering to take over her care, then please don’t ask her this silly question.
The children need a break!
When he died, she would have been entitled to his whole Social Security amount. She would have needed to claim it. However, they would have to have been legally married for the things I've mentioned to happen.
Someone needs to talk to Social Security on her behalf. Make an appointment at your nearest office, or they will make an appointment to talk with you or her on the phone. I get the idea that mom may not be able to speak on her behalf, or if she can, you'd possibly have to take her into their office. You'll need both mom's and dad's social security numbers.
A lawyer would know how to set the machinery in motion to find out what you need to know. You definitely need to know if mom can be paid retroactively for money she never claimed.
Sometimes information gets kicked around the family and everyone starts to believe it. I have a hard time believing that 100-year-old mom only gets SS based on four years of her own wages. That would be at least 35 years of less than she was entitled to receive. If it's true, why? How long has it been since she was competent?
Mom needs to go a care facility, and you all need to get your lives back. You don't owe mom anything. And she doesn't owe anyone a house, either, which she's already made clear.
Let common sense prevail now, where you take everyone's life into consideration instead of just one 100 year old elder who's been given free reign to wreak utter havoc all this time, as if no other choices in life exist. They do. Hospice is one of several, at home or in a SNF where calming meds can be administered to help HER relax a bit bc agitated hitting and kicking isn't benefiting anyone, let's face it. Mom deserves peace here as well as her children.
Visit a Certified Elder Care attorney immediately to explore your options before one or more of you wind up hospitalized from stress and burn out.
Best of luck.
You need to talk to an Elder Care Attorney.
Her doctors need to document that she needs care 24/7
ALL the siblings have to agree that they can no longer safely care for her at home.
She can be placed in memory Care. She does not have to agree to it.
Once she is placed the house can be sold OR the siblings can buy the house. Or it might be possible that they can begin paying rent and the rent paid goes to mom's care. But an attorney will advise on the best way to solve this.