Question is how? How can someone who is confused, unable to reason clearly, has memory issues, etc., etc., manage to say the one thing that hurt me more than anything else? She was never mean. So that's not it. How did she, confused as she is, manage to say the most hurtful thing to me? And then blame me for getting upset? Im new here, but not new to my mother being ill for ten years with heart disease and now dementia. I feel guilty even writing this, but I am in tears. Thanks for a response.
But general thoughts: people with dementia lose inhibition, so they have no filters on what they speak out loud. Their thoughts run together, and also become disorganised, so what they've previously loved, liked, cared about they can suddenly claim they always hated; e.g. "very loud, daffodils. I've never liked daffodils." Really?! Another example: my mother loved West Side Story - she even took me to see a theatre production of it, she knew all the lyrics. I put the DVD on for her to watch, and within ten minutes she was wailing and calling out for me to "turn it off! I don't like it!"
If the subject your mother was cruel about was something you and she had discussed before, my guess would be that her collection of thoughts and memories about it has got jumbled and warped. I'm afraid the idea of this happening to your lovely mother's brain can't be much less painful than what she said to you. But I doubt if she formed an intention to hurt you.
My mother becomes convinced at times that she has something like leprosy. She claims that I know all about it and I'm pretending not to . Breaks my heart. Very mild compared to what others, and you, are going through.
But understand that we all understand.
Doesn't help in the moment of course but I can tell you that my mom can cuss me out in one moment and then tell me how wonderful I am in the next
Dementia is a long tiring journey for everyone
I guess I am still in denial or in grief somewhere and she is grieiving too:
denial .. anger ... depression ... bargaining .. depression ... acceptance.
Another question if I may?
Does anyone here feel like they are in an anxiety state alot not knowing when the end will be ... every time the phone rings late at night, I think ... this is it. You know? It is nervewracking. She is 90.
Do you practise any relaxation techniques? There are some simple, effective breathing exercises that are good first aid for tension. Don't underestimate the stress you're under, you need to take care of yourself too.
I sensibly cut back NH visits to twice a month (my brother lives close by; he and his wife drop in several times a week. My mother is being cared for by staff to the tune of 12.000$ per month. I'm not there to care for her, I'm a casual visitor).
I try to practice relaxation techniques, tend to my job, grandchildren and my own health. It's a struggle. But you CANNOT live in crisis mode for more than a week or so without doing serious damage to yourself.
Reading here, understanding the hurt.
They say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
But I feel words can take away a bit of your spirit, wound in such a way it kills. It kills a bit of the relationship that is left between you and your Mom, that changes you forever, even after you forgive.
These wonderful, wise ladies who posted above are great teachers, and I too am learning from what they have said.
If you had not asked your questions, you would not have helped me also. Somehow, if I don't rehearse in my mind, the painful things said to me, the pain subsides, but I don't forget.
My sister told me to always tell somebody immediately when my feelings got hurt to avoid going into a depression.
Keep telling us all as you go through this most difficult, treacherous journey with your Mom.
JoanneJ, please don't take her words into your heart next time.
My own Mom, in late stage dementia, said some hurtful things about my Dad which I could never believe he would ever even think of doing... to which I never told my Dad what she had said.