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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Fred, listen to Jeanne. From experience, I can tell you that you are stuck in the fog that comes with being around a situation that appears hopeless when in fact that are doors that you can walk through. 1. Find an eldercare lawyer and take your Dad 2. Find yourself a good mental health professional and go have a chat. These situations are wearing to the human spirit and psyche; sometimes talking them out with a therapist or counselor helps. sometimes medication helps. 3. Understand that mom is who she is and is going to be angry at you. You will survivie that. Our parent's anger is something that we ALL are terrified of, but with some support, you will get through this. 4. PLEASE understand that I'm not suggesting that you're weak, mentally ill, stupid or anything negative. You are simply a human being who loves his parents and who doesn't want them hurt. As parents age, it can be a gargantuan and painful task to shift our own (and their) thinking about what "proper" behavior of one generation to the other is. Godspeed, my friend.
Fred, I echo CM's inquiry as to whether you're comfortable with the explanation, including of options for your father's MRSA. My father had MRSA twice, cured by Vancomycin, and then VRSA, also cured, I believe with Vancomycin. This was when he was also intubated and on a ventilator, so he was severely compromised.
What protection did he offer for your mother and family? This is an infectious disease, although I don't know about repeated episodes.
If you want a second opinion (which I would get given the dire prognosis), see an infectious disease physician.
I'm sorry to learn of this sad situation; your family has certainly had a rough time.
Another thought; If you have a joint checking accont, say, one person can write a check, yes? Does Dad have a pension or social security? If it's being deposited into a joint account, then stop that and redirect it to a new account that you open in his name. No one should be held hostage like this.
Dad has access to a joint bank account. He could simply take all the money out. Or after he is in a facility Mom could take all the money out. What the facility should need to know is can be make any required down payment and can he continue to pay the monthly fees. Does he have enough income to make the monthly fees?
Really, see a lawyer. There has got to be a straight-forward way to resolve this so that Dad can have the environment he wants and can afford.
There may be something else going on with your mother, specifically, the fear that accompanies the hard cold recognition that they're aging to the point that life isn't going to be easy from now on.
It seems she's fighting to control everything, maybe because that's her nature but also perhaps because she senses and feels that control over their life and their bodies slipping away.
Somehow she needs to understand that what you're doing is trying to move forward with plans in place to ensure good care for both of them, but right now she seems to view that as a threat, perhaps to her own stewardship of herself and her partner.
Tough situation - wish I had some good answers for you. Hang in there. Sometimes you may have to take a Russian approach - two steps forward and one backward, regroup, then try again.
As you probably know, the more you raise the issues, the more she'll dig in her heels.
Mom and dad are both 89. She has always been the controlling one. Growing ups if dad said "hey, let's all go do this together " mom would always say "no, were going to do this instead." And he would be obviously disappointed but say "yes, dear." She controls all the finances, decisions, everything. I think she's a control freak and now she feels she's losing control. We have tried to politely explain the situation but she will act like a little kid and throw a temper tantrum and cry until she gets her way then carry on like nothing happened. Dad doesn't care if they live together or not. I think she drives him crazy. He even told her he wants a ramp built and if she doesn't like it she can file for divorce! We don't want to be forceful and go over her head. We want her to see what is needed and some around. But she has always been stubborn and bull headed and it only seems to be getting worse.
Well now it looks like we may not have to do anything. Dad's illness is due to MRSA and whenever he gets off antibiotics, it comes back. They said the only was to get rid of it is by surgery, but he is too high risk for anyone to operate. The docs just called and said since they can't operate, there is nothing they can do but stick him in a nursing home and wait for him to die. I doubt if he could get into AL with such a highly infectious disease and he can't go home due to the amount of care needed to manage his pain. So now it's a waiting game. I have no idea what it will be like to deal with mom when he's gone but I guess well cross that bridge when we get to it. Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and encouragement.
FarmerFred I'm so sorry to hear that, that's terrible news. Are you completely comfortable and clear with the medics' explanation? - don't forget it's a perfectly reasonable and courteous thing to seek a second opinion, if you're not. Not for surgery, no, he'd be traumatised; but where is the infection, what treatment is he being given, all the rest of it.
Oh God your poor mother. I know, poor you too; but poor lady. Please let us know how things are going. I'll keep my fingers crossed in case of better news.
Fred, so sorry to hear about the MRSA. From my experience, doesn't have to be a death sentence. PLEASE seek out an Infectious Disease specialist and get a second opinion. It may be the same opinion, but you're going to feel better down the road that you knocked at a second door.
The more I read the more I begin to envision your mother like a trapped, cornered animal, reaching out and fighting for whatever it is she wants to preserve. I most certainly don't mean that facetiously or critically but rather that she seems to feel she's under seige and is reacting so strongly that to me it seems it would be frightening. She must really feel threatened and as if her control is being taken away from her. I wish there were some way she could let go and just have some peace and solitude to calm down and move forward with more comfort in her family's care and concern.
A ramp in some ways is better as a wheelchair lift is electrically dependent. Have a power failure and you're without the lift. Just make sure the ramp meets code - there are specific pitch requirements for ramps. And don't forget the railings with posts that can help the person hold on if anything happens.
I don't recall if I suggested this earlier and don't feel like rereading my own posts so I'll post the question now. Have you contacted the Alzheimr's Assn. to see if they're offering the Creating Confident Caregivers course in your area? I took it in Michigan and it was excellent.
My father has never been diagnosed with dementia (I might already have it!) but the course deals with elder behavior which extends well beyond the dementia diagnosis so it was helpful for me. There's an excellent manual that provides very basic and more complex information on dealing with a variety of elder behaviors, including the challenge to one's control of one's perception of life, actual life changes, and situations like that you're facing. If you can get a copy of the manual and the hand-outs, I think they would really be helpful.
Sounds like you're making some progress though. Maybe that's the key - present her with a costly alternative and eventually she'll agree to what you're proposing.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
1. Find an eldercare lawyer and take your Dad
2. Find yourself a good mental health professional and go have a chat. These situations are wearing to the human spirit and psyche; sometimes talking them out with a therapist or counselor helps. sometimes medication helps.
3. Understand that mom is who she is and is going to be angry at you. You will survivie that. Our parent's anger is something that we ALL are terrified of, but with some support, you will get through this.
4. PLEASE understand that I'm not suggesting that you're weak, mentally ill, stupid or anything negative. You are simply a human being who loves his parents and who doesn't want them hurt. As parents age, it can be a gargantuan and painful task to shift our own (and their) thinking about what "proper" behavior of one generation to the other is. Godspeed, my friend.
What protection did he offer for your mother and family? This is an infectious disease, although I don't know about repeated episodes.
If you want a second opinion (which I would get given the dire prognosis), see an infectious disease physician.
I'm sorry to learn of this sad situation; your family has certainly had a rough time.
Dad has access to a joint bank account. He could simply take all the money out. Or after he is in a facility Mom could take all the money out. What the facility should need to know is can be make any required down payment and can he continue to pay the monthly fees. Does he have enough income to make the monthly fees?
Really, see a lawyer. There has got to be a straight-forward way to resolve this so that Dad can have the environment he wants and can afford.
It seems she's fighting to control everything, maybe because that's her nature but also perhaps because she senses and feels that control over their life and their bodies slipping away.
Somehow she needs to understand that what you're doing is trying to move forward with plans in place to ensure good care for both of them, but right now she seems to view that as a threat, perhaps to her own stewardship of herself and her partner.
Tough situation - wish I had some good answers for you. Hang in there. Sometimes you may have to take a Russian approach - two steps forward and one backward, regroup, then try again.
As you probably know, the more you raise the issues, the more she'll dig in her heels.
We don't want to be forceful and go over her head. We want her to see what is needed and some around. But she has always been stubborn and bull headed and it only seems to be getting worse.
Oh God your poor mother. I know, poor you too; but poor lady. Please let us know how things are going. I'll keep my fingers crossed in case of better news.
A ramp in some ways is better as a wheelchair lift is electrically dependent. Have a power failure and you're without the lift. Just make sure the ramp meets code - there are specific pitch requirements for ramps. And don't forget the railings with posts that can help the person hold on if anything happens.
I don't recall if I suggested this earlier and don't feel like rereading my own posts so I'll post the question now. Have you contacted the Alzheimr's Assn. to see if they're offering the Creating Confident Caregivers course in your area? I took it in Michigan and it was excellent.
My father has never been diagnosed with dementia (I might already have it!) but the course deals with elder behavior which extends well beyond the dementia diagnosis so it was helpful for me. There's an excellent manual that provides very basic and more complex information on dealing with a variety of elder behaviors, including the challenge to one's control of one's perception of life, actual life changes, and situations like that you're facing. If you can get a copy of the manual and the hand-outs, I think they would really be helpful.
Sounds like you're making some progress though. Maybe that's the key - present her with a costly alternative and eventually she'll agree to what you're proposing.
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