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It’s just been in the last week that she insists on being picked up. She's sad and scared. I call the nurse and that helps, but it’s heartbreaking either way. I think it’s part of sundowning, especially with it getting dark sooner.
If it causes your mother anxiety to take her out of her MC, then avoid doing it. Go there for visits instead, and take her some small treats and gifts. When my mother went through a phase where she insisted she was living with me and not in the Memory Care ALF she's been at for quite some time now, I would gently remind her that I wasn't coming to pick her up, that she was already 'home' and that all was well.
The ups & downs that go along with dementia/Alz are continuous, and I notice that my mother does particularly poorly if/when new medications of ANY kind are introduced.
The goal is to keep them as anxiety free as possible, whatever is required. I agree with you that the upcoming time change will NOT help a darned thing, too. Lately, my mother keeps saying it's an ugly day outside when it's dark out and she's seeing that instead of the 'cloudiness' she thinks she's seeing. She'll insist it's going to 'rain' when it's 6 pm and that would be great, since our state has been burning down for months now due to LACK of rain and ongoing forest fires.
If your mother doesn't calm down with wanting to go home, I suggest getting her a baby doll to swaddle. Oftentimes, with dementia, people get a great deal of comfort from taking care of a 'baby' again and feeling useful. It keeps them occupied, too, and less anxious in general without added medications.
Taking someone out of MC is not recommended because of what you've experienced. Rather than take her out for outings, bring the outings in to her. You can reserve a room in the facility and bring your goodies or whatever into the room. The evening calls to you could very well be sundowning effects. Sundowning causes anxiety and confusion. Mention this to the facility staff so they can address it. It'll take a while for your mom to adapt to her new home. Be patient.
The outings are more for you than her. It brings some sense of "normalcy" to her life, your life. When you visit take a walk around the grounds if possible or walk other parts of the building. Bring her a treat that you can share. If you normally go to lunch bring a lunch in. Sit and talk. Share photos. When you leave tell her you will be back, don't say "I have to go home". But I would cut out the outings. And as she declines getting in and out of the car will become more of a challenge anyway. I just read your profile, it has only been 2 weeks she is still getting settled in. Give it time. And she picks up on your feelings so if you are sad and scared she will pick feel that way as well.
If hard to get her back to MC, then don't take her out. I know you want to give her a little fun and some fresh air, but really not fair to her. In her mind you maybe taking her home. They just can't understand.
I totally agree with the other posters here. If it upset her stop taking her on "outtings" at least for the present. Having spent some time in the elder care industry, I also think that it is far too soon for her to have outtings. It will only serve to confuse her and get her anxious as you can now see. Moving into a new residence is a huge change for anyone and it is even larger as we age especially if there are existing memory issues. Sometimes the MC staff will suggest family not visit for a specific time just so the resident can "settle in" to their new environment. She needs time to adjust and quite frankly so do you. This is a major change for both of you. Emotionally you are feeling pain and guilt for placing your Mom but in your mind you know that you have done the right thing. You are ensuring that she is safe and well cared for, that you have time and energy for your husband and family and that when you do see your Mom you can be a visiting loving daughter and not an anxious tired caregiver. Hang in there.. this is not an easy road but most of us travel it and you are not alone. Keep us updated on how things go. Peace
Marcykong, I'm familiar with your dilemma. I no longer take my mother out of her MC environment. My mother's world has gotten smaller, so taking her out of what she knows is very confusing for her. Sad as it is, and as hard as it is to accept, her safe haven is now MC. My mom refers to "home" too. I understand that what my mom means is a memory and a feeling of a home that she used to know.
It's hard to watch them suffer and it's even harder for us not to be able to comfort them. Much love to you and your loved one. We're all in this together.
Although to those of us who are caring for someone in resident placement a week or two can seem like a very long time, the adjustment period may need to be quite a bit longer.
Some residences request that off site visiting not begin until a specified time into a resident’s stay, and others just watch for signs that the resident seems comfortable and relaxed about the new surroundings.
Wanting to go “home” is a pretty familiar comment, and often, “home” doesn’t mean what we’re expecting it to mean. She may express sadness and a sense of loss, but even if you were to take her back to living previously, she might well continue to express the same feelings.
Many of us feel uncomfortable and guilty when we decide to place a loved one in full time care, and some continue to suffer those feelings for some time. It helps to consider the care we placed in finding the nicest residence we could, and remembering that our LO’s safety and need for more care than we were able to provide by ourselves prompted our decision making.
It’s never a pleasant thing to have to do, but you’ll find, a little at a time, that for both of you life will gradually become a pleasant place again.
Don't take her out late in the day. Make it a couple of hours for lunch. If she is anxious MC may put a stop to the excursions as they had to in my mom's case. It was just too hard to settle her down upon return.
Going out in the fresh air is good for anyone, but going out to eat, etc is not a benefit for anyone right now with Covid going on around the world. Also, I found with my mother and now my husband, any change in location can be a stress to them. We think they need it, but really they don’t. They are quite content in their smaller world.
When my MIL was in NH she was also allowed for some outings but they always warned to never take her past her home. Some residents can be taken out without any issues, others not so much. If this becomes more of a problem, it might not be wise to take her out especially if she is getting upset about needing to go back to the facility. its not worth the upset. Maybe take in an old photo album and look at pictures or get a book on places around the world to look at, but I also wouldn't take pictures in of her home, it might cause upset. Maybe she could work on some puzzles or coloring books. Wishing you luck.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The ups & downs that go along with dementia/Alz are continuous, and I notice that my mother does particularly poorly if/when new medications of ANY kind are introduced.
The goal is to keep them as anxiety free as possible, whatever is required. I agree with you that the upcoming time change will NOT help a darned thing, too. Lately, my mother keeps saying it's an ugly day outside when it's dark out and she's seeing that instead of the 'cloudiness' she thinks she's seeing. She'll insist it's going to 'rain' when it's 6 pm and that would be great, since our state has been burning down for months now due to LACK of rain and ongoing forest fires.
If your mother doesn't calm down with wanting to go home, I suggest getting her a baby doll to swaddle. Oftentimes, with dementia, people get a great deal of comfort from taking care of a 'baby' again and feeling useful. It keeps them occupied, too, and less anxious in general without added medications.
Good luck!
It brings some sense of "normalcy" to her life, your life.
When you visit take a walk around the grounds if possible or walk other parts of the building. Bring her a treat that you can share. If you normally go to lunch bring a lunch in. Sit and talk. Share photos.
When you leave tell her you will be back, don't say "I have to go home".
But I would cut out the outings. And as she declines getting in and out of the car will become more of a challenge anyway.
I just read your profile, it has only been 2 weeks she is still getting settled in. Give it time. And she picks up on your feelings so if you are sad and scared she will pick feel that way as well.
Hang in there.. this is not an easy road but most of us travel it and you are not alone. Keep us updated on how things go.
Peace
It's hard to watch them suffer and it's even harder for us not to be able to comfort them. Much love to you and your loved one. We're all in this together.
Some residences request that off site visiting not begin until a specified time into a resident’s stay, and others just watch for signs that the resident seems comfortable and relaxed about the new surroundings.
Wanting to go “home” is a pretty familiar comment, and often, “home” doesn’t mean what we’re expecting it to mean. She may express sadness and a sense of loss, but even if you were to take her back to living previously, she might well continue to express the same feelings.
Many of us feel uncomfortable and guilty when we decide to place a loved one in full time care, and some continue to suffer those feelings for some time. It helps to consider the care we placed in finding the nicest residence we could, and remembering that our LO’s safety and need for more care than we were able to provide by ourselves prompted our decision making.
It’s never a pleasant thing to have to do, but you’ll find, a little at a time, that for both of you life will gradually become a pleasant place again.
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