My mother is verbally and mentally abusive. I've been in therapy for 20 years but have managed to keep her in my life until recently. She starting verbally abusing my son with Asperger's and I couldn't allow it to continue. So I basically told her that if she cannot respect my son, she cannot continue to visit. Instead of trying to change, she said "I can't help it" and I haven't seen her since.
Now, she is 83 years old. She has heart disease, kidney disease and high blood pressure. She had aortic aneurysm repaired 9 years ago. She has suffered mini strokes and a heart attack and not told anyone. She refuses to take any medication the doctor prescribes her. She hates everyone and has alienated her other grand children and great grand children.She acts as if they don't exist. The brother that she lives next door to packed up and moved in August in one day. One brother lives about 5 hours away and the youngest brother is the only one left close and she lies to him about everything.
I am finally making progress in my therapy and protecting my family against this verbal abuse is my number one priority.
With this being said. There's no one to look in on her except me and my brother that live close. I know she needs care and company, but at this time, I cannot, for my own health, get involved. She has no friends. Are there any resources out there to have someone look in on her? I feel very guilty for not being there to help her. Has anyone had this experience?
There are resources to keep an eye on her if she will let them. You or she could hire a geriatric care manager, who could do an assessment and help her get the services she needs. You could get an agency like "Home Instead" to send a housekeeper or companion once a week. They can take her shopping or to appointments.
If money is a problem and it usually is, contact your local "Area Agency on Aging" for ideas. You can find it on Google using your town, state and county names. You can let Adult Protective Services know about her, although that can cause trouble.
Good luck.
I have a toxic situation like this as well and things even out and I walk away and then I get sucked right back in to a nightmare again.
If you are truly worried you might call the police and have them drop by for a well check or perhaps there are senior associations that might have someone to drop by for a visit, but she if is as bad as you say she is then I doubt that any volunteer is going to be willing to deal with her as well.
If she has a mental illness she needs to be treated for it, she is miserable and so is everyone else dealing with her, this is a sad way for a life to be spent.
My sister is this way and her children have moved away from her so they do not have to deal with her. I personally have had problems with her my entire life, not because I wanted to, but because she wanted to. She never went past sibling rivalry and the fact that I was born. It has been hell my entire life. She can be nice and you can get along with her and I will even help her out with things, but i am always waiting for the other shoe to drop... and it does, and I am blamed for all kinds of things that were never my fault. I think the icing on the cake was when she filed a false report with Adult Protective Services against me.... she said I beat her, when the entire incident never happened. They showed up at my house to interview me and state the charges against me. I could have been arrested, gone to trial and to jail and NONE of it was true. The only thing that saved me was my 16 year old niece was here and saw everything and said IT NEVER HAPPENED, AT ALL!!! My sister had forgotten that she was here, thank God she was!
We all have a free will, we are born with it, what we chose to do with it is up to us. I never did anything to her, but she if frickin mean and cannot be trusted. This is not a way to live our lives and I am so sorry that this is you mother who has done this to you. That is way worse!!!
God Bless You Mightily!!!!!
She has something, but I'm not exactly sure. Years ago she may have made me executor of her will. But she could have changed that. She has told me that my older brother is to get everything (which isn't much and honestly I don't want anything). The brother older than me has tried to no avail to have her get her finances in order but she doesn't want to hear it. I did call that brother today and he has been calling and checking on her so I feel better. She's very paranoid and secretive. The doctors have said that if she takes her medicine it could help her immensely. But who am I to go force her to swallow it. He said that she had a pneumonia and flu shot and her arm from her elbow to shoulder swelled up 2ce it's size and she ran fever for 4 days. But didn't call anyone. I have already told my kids that if I get mean when I get old, put me in a home. How can you help someone who doesn't care if they live or die. :(
If one of you have her POA you can at some point step in and pretty much make things happen the way they need to be. Mom can be put in a facility that will make sure she has medication and is taken care of. With my Mom, she has dementia and I took over when she began giving money to everyone who called on the phone and the topper was me leaving for 30 minutes and then returning home and a young man was at the door taking money from her and having her sign a paper that would allow them to withdraw money from her checking account each month. I informed both siblings what was happening and told them I was seeking Power of Attorney. One sibling said, "Yes do it" and the other, guess who, said "No way I am not letting you take POA." Mom gave it to me anyway and it was good that we did it when we did because she began getting worse and then I had to enforce the POA and take over the finances and healthcare issues.
You guys need to MAKE SURE you have POA on her because this is the only way you can step in and take over for her, without it you have to seek guardianship, even the brother who gets everything. Executor of her will is only good once she dies, you may need to step in before she dies. Talk to your brother and ask him if he knows, you also need to know where those documents are kept, here we do not have to file them with any court, you just have to keep your original in a safe place.
I remember a story from about 30 years ago about a child that was just dropped off on the side of the road by its parent and this child had been treated badly and yet they cried that they loved their parent. It is so sad that we want to love these people and have them love us in return. We even love them.... in a way when they have hurt us terribly. You have love in your heart for your Mom or you would not care what happens to her.
Part of dementia and maybe even Alzheimer's is the paranoia, Mom anymore checks out all of her pills and questions us as to what they are for, like we are going to poison her or something. She does so other odd stuff as well like hiding things or moving them around them she loses them (checkbook) so I had to take it away.
It is not easy but if your brother is checking on her then all you can do is just be there in case you may be needed as some point. I would just keep my distance if I were you. You are in a really tough spot.
God Bless, Take Care!
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