Hi thank you for reading.
My stepfather has been wonderful for the past 25 years married to my mother. They live in an active adult senior facility that has an end-care stage. My mother was moved to the full-time care building. My stepfather cared for her for years not wanting to let her go to full time care and he wouldn’t live with her. Now that she has moved to full time care two years ago and her Alzheimer’s leaves her not really knowing what’s going on...my stepfather has a new girlfriend and he has all kinds of vacations planned for them. But he’s spending the joint bank account he shares with my mother. He has helped the girlfriend financially, helps with her medical bills. My step brother is the executor of their will for both sides. Should I say something? My mother's care is very expensive and although they have a few hundred grand in the bank that goes quickly. But it should not be spent on the girlfriend. Do you agree or should I just let it go. He’s in his upper 80’s...let him have a good time...he took great care of mom??
Go forward 5 yrs and my mother was introduced to a man at a BBQ one of her coworkers had, with the idea of fixing up my mother and the man that became our stepfather. I want to say this. The three most influential men in my live were my maternal uncle who was a Priest, My Stepfather, and my Father in Law.
My mother and Stepfather made it clear, my father was my father, however, two families had been joined together when they got married. My mother and my stepfather treated each others children the same way they treated their own. We introduced our stepbrothers and sisters as MY Sister & MY Brother, we accepted each other as brother and sisters. Yes we had our arguments like most children, we attended each others weddings when possible due to in some cases money issues of adult children which we'd become. My mother died 13 yrs after mother and stepfather were married. Our stepfather remained single for the last 30 yrs of his life. What he did for one of the 10 of us, he did for all of us, your last name was different, but we were still a family. Yes, some things got ugly as we entered our middle ages with each other, one from our generation died very young at the age of 58, a little more than a year after my stepfather died.
After my stepfather died my stepsister became executor of the estate, my stepfather's wishes were that every last penny was to be equally divided to each adult child, grandchildren excluded. He figured we could take care of our own.
The vast majority of us are entering our sixties in good financial shape no we're not in touch more than once a year during Christmas time. Our families live as far apart as Europe, and throughout the United States. Some have been less successful, much to their own issues with alcohol and drug abuse. After trying to help them out, like my father, they chose the alcohol and drugs as being more important than family and we've let them go on just like our dad did, we couldn't rescue them and put our own families in financial trouble.
My point being some of us having taken the route of carefully planning for our Elder years, financially and legally, as our mother and stepfather did, some live for today for tomorrow we die attitude. My DW and I had begun the financial estate program a month before I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ, 5 yrs ago next month. Some of my brothers and sisters have done the same thing. Some have neglected their responsibilities and their children will have the headaches. I encourage all that read this to think about what issues you should address to keep your families future secure. I hope this inspires some thought and action.
On the other hand, if what he is doing will affect the ability to get Medicaid then he needs to be educated on that (and so do you). Doesn't seem like him taking a vacation is reason they could question. Gifting money to the other woman probably is. So it all depends how he does and what he does.
What is often a problem with step families (mine included) is that the surviving spouse has full right to use their joint money (or the money left by the first spouse) anyway they want. In my case my step siblings don't begrudge me spending their inheritance for anything and everything dad needs and wants...but I can certainly see how they might feel that way. My dad is adament that my step siblings get their fair share and they know that. He also cared for their mom at home for many many many years and was a devoted husband and step grandfather. So I'm lucky that they feel that way. On the other side, my own siblings resent that the step kids get anything when he dies and I've already been told they are taking me to probate! But I digress.
If you have a relationship with the step brother, please talk to him and get your concerns in the open. But make this about mom and not about the possible inheritance. I am NOT trying to imply that this is why you are concerned but its something that he might say is your motivation so make it very clear you want your step dad to enjoy his last days, you just don't want Medicaid affected by making the wrong move.
I hope some of this digression will help you.
You must take control at once of his finances, no choice in that.
One, he's not her father, he's her stepfather.
Two, there is no suggestion that the stepfather is incompetent and the bank account is his and his wife's.
Three, there is no suggestion that the OP has POA for her mother.
On what authority would the OP take control of his finances?
Why should he not enjoy some of his good health while he still has it? He has done right by his wife and all indications are that he will continue to do so. He deserves to have some happiness before he dies or ends up in care himself.
It's not just HIS money, it's theirs & your Mom still needs it.
What's the issue with the girlfriend?
She doesn't have medical insurance?
Doesn't she have a job or savings social security???
She can pay her own way!
I know living with Alzheimers is difficult, but he made a commitment to your Mom in sickness & in health, seems like he forgot those vows he made in front of God.
& no I am not a religious person but I think whether or not she knows he should still see her, speak to her, brush her hair, take care of her...she is STILL HIS WIFE!
It will be his karma coming back three fold to him.
Hope someone shows him more care when his time comes than he is giving to your Mother
Stepfather is planning glamorous vacations (but has he spent anything yet?), he's helped the girlfriend financially (really? How do you know?) and has helped with her medical bills (really? What bills? How do you know?).
If it were the stepfather's money, it would be easy: mind your own business. But as it's a joint account, it isn't just his business. Who is representing the OP's mother's interests? If it's the stepfather, and he's gifting, and they both run out of money and there's a Medicaid penalty on the cards then there is going to be trouble.
I think I would, not say something, but ask questions and be strict with myself to ask only about mother's funding and financial security. If that's all taken care of, he can give new girlfriend the shirt off his back as long as he knows what he's doing - and you're sure he himself isn't at risk of financial abuse?
If you do have concerns about your stepfather's wellbeing, perhaps raise those with his son if you're on good terms.
As for the girlfriend, it seems like companionship but she should look into finding way to get care if he has to pay for her medical bills because his help is only temporary. I understand your POV that hundreds a thousands may seem like a lot in someone’s mind but not when it comes to something you need for long term plan and he might needs to create a plausible plan of action because they could be living for a long time and he might need to consider that he might not be able to care for three people long term.
so I would say let him have his fun and don’t question his life choices in that matter but maybe ask if there is a plan of action for both of their care if they were to live past 100 like if they have backup insurance if they run out of money.
The stepfather IS taking care of his wife in sickness. What better place to be than in a skilled facility.
BTW, after 25 years, can we go without all the step-father stuff? Have not feelings developed over the years that include compassion, love, good-will?
This division of assets should have been discussed (and maybe were!) by the two many years before --like when they got married. Do they have wills in place?
This dear man----cared for his wife in this condition for 6 years, always by her side. Let the guy have some LIVING moments. Because his wife has such a debilitating condition should not imprison him.
Regarding divorce: do you think any court would allow a divorce with an Alzheimer spouse?
How about visiting your stepfather? Build a warm relationship with him. You both love the same woman.
if he loses mental capacity, this is only your brother’s business
if your mom left something to you in her estate planning, you are not an heir until after she passes.
A couple hundred grand is NOT a huge savings. Mom's care alone could use that up in short order. The last thing that should be happening is having this man spend it all on his piece on the side. Medicaid won't likely take that kind of expenditure lightly - I hardly think paying for a GF on the side would be considered qualified "spend down" of funds. If he blows it all, which won't take long, both he AND his wife will be in big trouble.
He can do what he wants with his life, but someone needs to step up and ensure mom has what she needs for her care.
Your Step Father could find himself eventually on the streets after spending all his money on his new girlfriend and then the girlfriend would be gone too if it's just the money she's after.
You still have living to do at 80 and you said he was good and took care of your mom for years so I suppose it's nice that he gets a 2nd time around with his new friend.
Of course I wouldn't tell your mom even tho she would forget right after being told.
HAve you spoken with your Step brother to see if he's got any real concern? He will be the one to know how fast his Dad is going through the money.
Prayers
You should talk to an Attorney to see what your options are just in case.
you could let
IF he has need of companion or to get out and "live life", go for it. I have no desire to deny him that, but when he is jeopardizing his own future needs as well as his wife's, it IS a problem and shouldn't be swept under the rug, just because he has some "urges."
They worked hard to have what they do and I am sure that they planned for a very different retirement than they got. I, for one, would want my husband to find some joy in life if I was in your mom's place. I watched my grandpa lose his own life when my grandmother had a series of strokes that left her in full blown dementia from Friday to Monday. I would have been happy for him if he had found someone who he could have had some good, happy times with. Instead, I remember a very angry, then very sad man and that is worse than anything else I can imagine in your 80s.
If you believe that he is being taken for a financial fool by some gold digger, please, please speak with his son and help him not get wiped out but, if not, support him, because he obviously loved your mom, from your own words he has taken very good care of her.
If you alianate him, you could have problems with your mom unless you get guardianship, he is legal next of kin, and she is to far gone to have to deal with that kind of thing unnecessarily.
I would take him to lunch and verify that mom is not in a position of losing her care while he is traveling and then offer to help while he is gone. DO NOT assume that his new girlfriend has malicious intent, because not everyone has those issues and it may very well be that she has walked in his shoes and can offer true understanding and companionship.
As long as your mom is taken care of and not in danger of being transferred to a Medicaid facility as a ward of the state because of his actions, wish him well and ask for pictures.
How much money are we talking about with giving it to the new girlfriend? A few hundred dollars or thousands? If it's thousands of dollars, then I think your concerns are warranted, but if it's only a relatively few bucks, then I wouldn't get overly worked up about it.