Accusatory to myself, my husband, granddaughter, all. She keeps all curtains drawn in her house, so that no one can peek in at her and so the sunshine does not fade her furniture. It is like a cave inside, cold and dark in the winter, warm and muggy and dark in the summer. She keeps the heat at 64 and refuses to use her air conditioner until temps break 90. Her freezer is packed with food that she no longer prepares for herself. I arranged Meals on Wheels to come for her M - F (which has turned out to be a Godsend). I order groceries online for her to eat on the weekends. My MIL has no friends. She has called the police on all of her neighbors for imagined wrongdoings, to the point that the neighbors have ceased communications with her. The police at one point were calling us as often as weekly to update us on her accusations, all of which were unfounded. She has accused the neighbors of poisoning her trees, of flying helicopters overhead and dropping pine needles from the copter... the lawncare people of sneaking onto her yard in the middle of the night to spread grass clippings about... the grocery store delivery service was accused of stealing a spatula, toothpaste and a mirror from her wall. We had to find an alternative food store to order groceries from for her. Now she is accusing either that food store or one of us of sneaking into her home in the middle of the night to steal her yogurt. The police calls seem to have quieted down lately. Now she is accusing myself and my husband of stealing candle stick holders from her. She accused my stepdaughter of stealing $1500 in cash which she stated was in a bag in her closet, along with her "pretty silverware", which she states my stepdaughter replaced with "ugly" silverware. She also has accused one or all of us of having stolen corn cob holders, a mixing bowl, mixing spoon, pictures off the wall... and on and on and on. We have seemingly good conversations over the phone, my husband calls once a week, I call once or twice a week. We no longer encourage our daughter to stay in touch, she is now 24, but was the brunt of accusations when she was 19 and we feel it is unhealthy for her to be exposed to the abusive accusations. Last summer her condition reached a low point, she was not eating, had elevated blood pressure and was more disoriented than usual. We arranged for her to see a doctor, (she had not seen one for 5 years, after her GP died) She strenuously objected to seeing a doc, however we were able to convince her that by seeing one, she would increase the likelihood of her being able to remain independent in her home as she strongly desires to do until she passes away. She was diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia, although she aced her cognitive examination. The doctor was able to discern through talking with her that she was very depressed and that many of her responses appeared practiced and, well, artificial. So, she was prescribed Remeron, Aricept and Lisinopril for the blood pressure. The doctor also decided she was best suited for home visits from him as well as a psychiatric nurse to visit once a week. MIL refused any additional intervention (aide, companion - refused ). She has been a Model patient for the doctor, answering questions appropriately, etc. She has occasional issues with the psych nurse, who calls whenever there is trouble. The problem is usually non-compliance with meds. MIL believes that since she didn't need meds 10 years ago, that she doesn't need them now. To date, I have been able to make MIL understand how important it is to take her pills and to see the nurse. Oh...there is so much to say.... so many issues....I could go on forever... She is currently calling me a crook to my husband, calling my husband a crook to her 93 year old ex-husband (who no longer will speak on the phone to her, because of her abusive ways - she leaves vicious messages about my husband, my step-daughter and me for him to endure listening through... he will not block her calls in the event she needs medical assistance or something should she reach out to him for that, he elects to remain somewhat available so that he can alert us should the need arise). At the time I am writing this she will not speak to me or my husband on the phone...I would not be so concerned were she living closer to us or if her mental health was not declining so. I really do not know what to do to help her and I worry about her social isolation and increasing paranoia. The doctors concede she has dementia but have stated she is still competent to make decisions for herself, which in itself is questionable as we have had to unravel multiple incidents involving irresponsible spending and investing with disreputable people (one of whom is now in jail for ponzi scheming millions from people just like and including my MIL). I think I mostly needed to vent my frustrations and get this stuff onto paper, however any suggestions or ideas to make life easier for everyone involved is most appreciated. Thank you for listening.
My parents also under the notion that the sun will fade not only their furniture but also the rugs [sometimes it does] so their house is also like a cave. Both are so bored that Dad comes up with some silly notions about the neighbors. How I wished they were in a retirement community to be around people of their own age group. Both are in their 90's and doing well, knock on wood. I just need to find my flashlight so I can visit them :P
Have you asked her doctor about self neglect? And she's so difficult the nurse has to call you?
I find the doctor's findings suspect. Have you checked his credentials? Do you have POA and HCPOA so her doctor can speak with you? Unless another doctor makes other findings, I'm not sure how you can proceed with making decisions for her without her consent. It sounds like the doctor and nurse are responsible for deciding if she's okay. I think they must be fooling themselves.
Sadly, something serious is going to happen to get everyone's attention. There is plenty of warning, but if her doctor is on her side in this farce, then your hands are tied. I would probably hold my durable POA until she is deemed incompetent and then you can make arrangements for her care. You might look around and find a place who would take someone with her condition. It sounds like her dementia is quite significant, so i would research Secure Memory Care facilities.
What a terrible situation. I can only imagine how stressful this is. Bless you for trying to help.
Your MIL should have in-home care or be in a care facility. The care facility is probably a better idea, and it would provide interactions with other adults.
Living with you would be a crisis waiting to happen. Living in a care center close to you might be the best solution.
So ... how to get her into a care center?
It sounds like you've already started that process. You can keep trying to persuade her and influence her decisions. Or it may come to a point where someone has to take charge. Would your husband consider becoming her legal guardian? Then he could force the issue of where she lives.
Daughter should learn that the accusations were definitely Not Her Fault in any way. Not only did she not do what she was accused of, but she did nothing to bring on the accusations. And also, the accusations were Not Her Real Grandmother acting -- they were the result of a damaged brain. Dementia is heartbreaking. Dementia is becoming a larger and larger reality in our society. The sooner each person learns about it, the sooner we can end some of the heartbreaking consequences.
I know that when I went with my cousin to see her doctor, she tried to put on a good front too, but after she answered the questions, I stepped out with the doctor and let her know that most of the answers she gave were incorrect. Of course, the doctor had already seen how severe she was anyway. Maybe, your MIL's doctor needs to know the whole story. You do risk ticking MIL off though if you challenge him and she could revoke the DPOA. That makes it really hard when she takes a downward turn.
Still, you are smart to be concerned that she could get angry and revoke the DPOA, so I don't think I would push the matter. If her doctor supports that she's competent, then what can you do. You can file with the courts, but the court will want to know what her doctor says and if he says she's okay, you are not likely to win. You might confirm this with an attorney to weigh your options. In some states if you win the guardianship, you can recover your legal fees from her estate if she can afford it.
Can you get on a waiting list now for a facility? Maybe by the time she has a serious incident and your husband begins as DPOA, the place will be available if you are on the wait list. Maybe someone here knows about wait list. I don't know much about them.
When someone is out of control and not dealing with life anymore, there's not much you can do about it, except stay out of their way, don't argue and wait until you can step in to help.
I would keep a close watch for changes, because once your mom's level declines, she may be in a better place for you to step in. I know that with my loved one, she was at first extremely disagreeable and confrontational. I stepped back and let her be on her own. When I got the call to check on her, she was no longer able to resist help anymore, so I was able to step in with the DPOA and make medical appointments, get her into care, clean the house etc., because she didn't have the ability to even realize what I was doing.
As her dementia increased, I was able to convince her to get the help she needed, because she didn't have the mental ability to reason against it. And she forgot she didn't want the medications.
Hopefully, at some point, you can intervene. I do think I would find an alternate doctor at some point. I would be very skeptical of the one she's seeing.