Hello, thanks in advance for any advice. My father-in-law was diagnosed with dementia about 10 yrs ago. My husband has been incredibly supportive to his mother (who is a naturally stressed out woman) and is a caring, gentle son to his father. My MIL is at her wits end, but refuses to consider a nursing home and can't afford a full-time visiting nurse (she has a M-F nurse for five hours each day), so she's resorted to going to the ER when my FIL refuses to listen to her, which involves waiting in the hospital all day just so my FIL can spend the night. This also involves my husband leaving work to be there for her emotionally. The gist of our concern is that my husband is spending more time managing his mother's outbursts than spending time caring for his father. FIL dementia is bad, but he has surprisingly good days where he's chatty and in good spirits. But MIL is naturally tightly wound and this experience has her on edge non-stop, despite having a support system. She's pushed a lot of people away and claims no one calls or care, but when you check in with other family members they have, she just won't return their calls, including FIL's sisters. Has anyone else experienced this?
1. Has your MIL been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist? She's not reacting rationally. Your FIL needs more care than she and supplemental help can provide. She's going to kill YOUR husband with the stress. Either she's suffering from depression, or dementia, or another untreated mental illness.
You're going to tell me she's always been this way. Yes, she's had an untreated mental illness her whole adult life perhaps. Time to get her some help with that.
2. She won't accept your suggestions? Then it's time to stop enabling this dysfunction. Don't show up for the next ER visit/ discharge. The hospital discharge folks may look at this situation quite differently in that light.
The takeaway here is that this kind of grinding stress kills one third of all caregivers. We were certainly going down that path with my mom two years ago when it became clear to me that my brother was going have a heart attack or stroke from responding to mom's "emergencies".
Wouldn't both of your elders do better in an Assisted Living facility? Go visit, like cruise ships! Best of luck!
If she has a nervous breakdown, that might be a good segue. You check FIL into memory care or AL. You deal with her separately when she is discharged from the psychiatric facility, stable on meds. In these situations, you have to look for opportunities.