My Mother who is her Father's caregiver. Any advice?
I'm at a loss and feel so overwhelmed... mostly for my single mother who is her father's caregiver. She is one of five children and while she does receive some help from four out of five of her siblings (who all live within 15 minutes of her), it is VERY little. Two of her siblings don't work - she has called and tried to ask for help but they won't answer their phone. My grandfather is blind and has very little, if any, mobility and requires 24/7 care. She is up throughout the night, then works all day. Although she does work from home, she runs a childcare business and cannot leave the children to attend to his needs during the day; something that her brothers and sisters think is possible. She calls me to vent about the situation and I feel helpless. I help when I can but I wish there was more that I can do. I would do anything for my mother, which is why I'm here. She has looked into medicaid, but my grandfather does not qualify. My mother cries often and she feels like she is backed into a corner with nowhere to go. I'm very, very worried about her health and she often complains that her chest hurts. She also has very high blood pressure. I have spent hours, days, weeks scouring the internet looking for options. Hospice, who was once helping out, is now out of the picture because he has recently started seeing a doctor to find out if he can get his legs working again. They used to help bathe him and he had a doctor through Hospice - but she's lost all of that. I worry that she will fall behind on her own bills and lose the house or worse, become so exhausted that something terrible will happen to her. I wish I could talk to her siblings, and I tried to in the beginning, but my mother reassures me that this is not my responsibility. There are things I want to say to them but I don't want to cause arguments or overstep my boundaries as I am not one of the siblings. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to help her, I want her siblings to step up and help like they used to. She can't just leave like they do because it is her home. If anyone has any advice for me or my mother, I will forever be in debt to you. Please, please help. I don't know where to turn...
I took care of my mother for 3 years alone with siblings within 20 minutes, so I vented a lot to my son, we barely speak now if at all. Your mom needs a firm advocate to get her out of this mess and good care for grandpa!
Once she gets her own health under control she could help by taking Dad to doctor appointments, hair cuts, etc. but set boundaries on what she can and cannot do. No more living at his house.
I know this will be hard for your Mom to stop doing the caregiving, but assure her the earth won't stop turning if she does. Yes, Dad might be mad at her, better mad then her 6-feet under. Could she live with you until she finds herself her own place?
Does anyone have Power of Attorney?
I really hope you can all come together and work this out...
Eventually something will explode... there is no way your Mom can continue to care for her father plus run a day care in her home. She isn't doing those children any good being as tired as she is.
As others have mentioned, sell both of the homes and use it for a continuing care facility. Maybe your grandfather is thinking he wants to keep his homes to give to his children. He might outlive your Mother, and that's not fair. Once the money from the sale of both homes is used up, then your Grandfather can once again apply for Medicaid.
I can understand his belief, erhaps false but hopeful, that he'll be able to return to that house. When infirmity and mobility issues confront someone, I think instinctively he/she creates a mental block to prevent that from dominating thoughts, while also making plans to move forward. Perhaps it's a self delusion, but if it does encourage him to devote time to recovering, it might in the short or long run be helpful.
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