I am 57 and have been dating a man (also 57) for the last 5 months. His 80 year old mother lives with him. She has dementia and mental illness. Given her age and situation it is not unusual that she clings to him. Actually she clings to both of us. Therein lies the problem. She acts up terribly if we choose to go out. I feel guilty when she gets so upset, as I understand her loneliness. Frankly, I really dont want her to come with us as she acts up. We are only together on weekends, so she has him all week. Friday evening when I arrive, she is in bed and we have good "couple time". We have a peaceful dinner, watch TV and just be us. The trouble starts first thing in the morning. I get tense thinking about this. If she hasnt bathed properly, he mentions it to her and she becomes very angry.I suspect he lets the hygiene slide during the week to avoid strife and encourages her to be clean when I visit, thankfully. Then she starts bugging him about what our plans are for the day as she wants to join us.Sometimes she starts crying or gets angry to manipulate. I become very stressed. If we offer her breakfast she argues she is not hungry then when we make ourselves something, she wants it. (typical of dementia) This is bothersome, so I just make her what we are eating and either she eats it or continues to complain. She has tried anger and tears to get her own way. He wont tolerate this, puts his foot down and the tension mounts. We have zero privacy during the day when she is up unless we flee the house to be alone. It is very difficult to get to know someone if you are always on the go. Not having time within a home environment when dating impedes the development of the relationship. We just cant hang and be ourselves. We cant enjoy morning coffee together, be able to have a conversation without her constant interruptions or dirty looks and it is stalling our relationship from further developing. We need time to bond, just the two of us and she will not leave us alone. Ideally, without the issue of dementia, a mother might have the common sense to let the lovebirds be alone. Make herself scarce. She likes me as I am a source of entertainment if you will and she loves to manipulate and play on my guilt. He and I had a conversation about this as he recognizes what she is doing to me and what I was allowing to happen. I think you all have the picture.
So, what is this doing to us as a couple? I feel like I am in the middle of a threesome! I am starting to dread going to his house on the weekends because of the tension. I am getting cranky in my day to day life at home as I dread being with her. I am resentful that we cant develop as we should have by now. He has talked about marriage in the future, which I hope for as well, but never will it be the three of us. She qualifies to be in a home, but since she is still somewhat functioning, he hates to put her in one at this time. I dread the day, if it comes, that I have to tell him, its one of us not both of us. Obviously, this is taking a toll on our relationship as I am getting more and more on edge. I find myself crankier and less tolleratant in my general life and its creeping into our relationship which makes me very sad. I am going to have to encourage him to start spending more weekends at my home in order to salvage this relationship. The problem is, leaving the mother alone....
Help!
I would be careful placing so much emphasis on what his mother says. She has dementia. She can't be held to the same standard as she would if she did not suffer from this condition.
You say she also had other mental illnesses before she got dementia. She may believe and say a lot of things that are not necessarily true. As her condition progresses she may become jealous of the goldfish or mail man. you can't take what they say at face value. They may have delusions and hallucinate. I'd be careful to put her words into proper perspective and I wouldn't rely on her to be polite, considerate or understanding. Most people with dementia aren't capable of those things anymore.
I would also read about the progression of dementia. How long will he be able to keep working and keep her at home? I would ask him what options he has in mind, before I invested too much time and emotion into the relationship. Since he may expect you to stay there with her full time if you marry. I'd want to know that upfront, so I could think about it. It's a huge responsibility and many people come to this site to vent and describe how full time caregiving has taken over their life.
Still, if he is a good man and you have the motivation, I'd open up with this man and see if the two of you could make a plan to focus more of you as a couple and get both of you some respite from his mother. She may protests, but she'll eventually have to adjust to it. I wish you all the best.
You knew about his mother when you got into this, you need to have an honest discussion with him about both your expectations going forward. If his plan is to keep his mom at home "until she needs more care" then you need to understand exactly what that means and when he envisions that happening. If you have no interest in becoming a full time caregiver he needs to know that too. And as Pam says, for goodness sake hire a sitter and meet somewhere else once in a while, if that is too much to ask then it doesn't bode well for your future together.
Go with what you already know after 5 months: This man is unavailable for a relationship.
R U N
Some old advice: If you want to pick a good man, see how he treats his mother, observe carefully-not just the devotion, but the yelling. Another red flag.
You said: "Glad I am out".
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