I'm single retired in CA. Although I had gone theraphy for PDST and depression due to my parents physical-psychological abuse during my childhood; I feel I would never get closure because they would never accept their wrongdoing, which still hurts me. Now, they are old and it would be smart for them to ask me to live with them or close by and take care of them; but their pride won't let them. I feel guilty to leave them alone but I also belief being to close to them might be too risky for my mental health. They are in their mid 80's so they don't have much time left. Should I ignore them and wait until any of them breake a hip or make a move by moving cross-country closer to them?
My mother has a personality disorder (probably borderline PD), she was/has been a very abusive mother. I spent 4 years in therapy to deal with the abuse, physical, emotional,...the whole gamet. She had a springing type DPOA, she also developed Alzheimer's, it was a rough couple of years with her until a neurologist diagnosed her as mentally incapacitated. Once that happened my sister and I were able to step in (with mom's attorney's help) to start making medical and financial decisions.
There are geriatric case managers out there who can manager your parents finances, medical while you live in CA. It depends on your parents finances and their willingness to cooperate if you don't have authority to act in their best interest.
Again back to my mother, she was always sweet as pie to people outside the family, but the family members paid dearly. She did have some friends that I was able to contact who helped me know what was going on with my mom during times when mom would refuse to communicate.
I strongly suggest you do your research and find alternative ways of dealing with your parents. Your mental health depends on it Learn about detaching with love, setting boundaries if you must move to NY. Your mental health will depend on it. Good luck to you and keep us informed as you progress with this issue.
Is there anyone who could provide care for them? Do they have long term care (LTC) insurance or are they financially stable to afford the cost of care? New York is one of the city with the most expensive cost of long term care services. Do you have siblings whom you can discuss this?
Take time to think and plan the consequences of your action. But if you really feel the need to move to NY so you can be closer to them and monitor their well being, it's your call, after all, they are still your parents.
You might find these caregiving tips helpful too: infolongtermcare.org/senior-caregiver-support/tips-for-caregivers/ should you experience stress or depression while doing your task.
Goodluck :)
Before you make a life-changing decision like this, talk it over with a therapist. There have got to be better ways to find "closure."