My mother lived with my husband and kids when she was in her 60s because she couldn’t afford her townhouse anymore, had nowhere else to live, and was struggling financially. It was stressful for me because while I love her, we never had the best relationship. She was still working then. I felt backed into a corner because no one had any answers and since she’s my mom, we allowed her to move in. It was rough. Finally, she was able to get into an apartment of her own and I was thrilled. She lived there for a few years independently. Fast forward, at 72, she got laid off from her job and again could no longer afford her apartment. My husband and family bought a new house last year and it’s larger than our previous home. Again, I begged my brother (he lives in a small twin with his family) and others to help come up with another solution but no one had answers. I know how even her presence stresses me out sometimes and knew it would stress me out, BUT she moved in with us again since I didn’t know where she’d live. We agreed to a trial, where if it wasn’t working, she’d have to find other arrangements. She agreed to that. I am now struggling majorly with this. Mentally, it’s causing me a lot of stress and anxiety to where it’s affecting me daily. She contributes financially ($700/month) which is generous but I don’t even care about the money. My mental health is the priority to me now and mom needs to go. I don’t have privacy or space in my own home. She’s on a waiting list that’s a couple years long for low income apartments. I cannot wait another two years for her to find a place. She’s living on social security. She’s still independent but refuses to get a part time job or even a hobby outside the home. She’s retired and does absolutely nothing but sit around on her computer all day. My schedule is that I work from home and it’s driving me nuts. I explained to her how important it is to me that she finds something consistent outside the home to allow me space while working. She couldn’t care less. Nothing changed. We gave her a few months to find something but she says she can’t find anything. (I looked too but she can’t afford anything.) I need advice on how to get her to move out and finally take responsibility for her life. She manipulated us with this “trial” talk just so she could get her foot in the door. She could care less about my well-being. She could move in with my aunt (her sister) but my uncle has issues so it’s not the best option. I am thinking of now having my husband and I sit with her to explain the urgency of the situation because she totally discounts anything I say. Please help. I’m desperate. I understand she’s my mom and I’ve been there as much as I possibly could but now I need to be there for my husband and kids without the constant stress. (I don’t want to hear responses saying she’s my mom and I need to be there. I’ll be ignoring those. I’m past that at this point. I tried and it’s time for other solutions.) It’s as if she is refusing to leave and wants to live her life with me forever. What are my options to get her out? Sounds harsh but this is where I’m at after dealing with this for the past 10 years.
Let your brother deal with her. YOU were the solution, now it's someone else's turn. And, heck, maybe she will move in with her boyfriend! (Why couldn't she visit the bf at his place; why did she want him to come over to yours?)
You have said youreself tha you have tried, and you cannot find her anything.
You have said yourself that she has one available option, and you personally assessed that option as not the best one.
So what, as regards her living situation, precisely, according to YOUR assessments, do you expect either of you to do about that? You want her to obtain a refrigerator box and live on the street? Tell her, and do it, then.
Do you want her to take a room at the No Tell Motel, and never come back? Do that then.
Otherwise, you have already answered your own question(s).
Then you need to assess your view of this entire situation. Is the problem, with her being there, actually yours? Your husband's? A transient issue with a child, who couldn't do some thing that they were not supposed to do, because your mother was present?
You said she stays on the computer all day-ostensibly out of your way, and out of your hair. Perhaps she is keeping herself occupied. So that she is not pestering you. Perhaps she is trying to honor your needs, and stay out of the way and unobtrusive. Why do you think that bothers you?
Some things seem inherently clear here.
1. You appear to be your mother's rock.
2. Apparently, she feels safe with you, and trusts you to have her best interests at heart.
3. When it comes to your mother's care, and safety, and well being, you are the first person-and clearly the ONLY person, to step up. And so-
4. You clearly do care, and it clearly makes a difference to you. And quite clearly, to your mother as well. Or she would be at your aunt's house, with the uncle and his "issues".
So all in all, it seems your problem is that your mother minds her business, tries as best she can to stay out of your way, and fails in every aspect in her attempts to do so.
You object to her computer use. Why? She's getting fired up by current events and they stress you both? You complain that Amazxon is always leaving things at your door. You say she deals with it appropriately, so why is that an issue? You think she needs a hobby or occupation, to give her something productive to do. Why is that? And if it is for good reasons, maybe you can physically take her somewhere, and show her some options. Maybe, just maybe, she does not even know how. Investigate local churches. Shops. Senior centers.
I think you need to assess why all of these picayune and petty things are such huge issues or aggravations to you. I think you need to acknowledge your concerns, and your efforts, to make sure your mother is in a good, safe, living situation. And pat yourself on the back. Take the time to be proud of what you have provided. Your mother, very clearly, depends upon you for the stability that you have literally given her. You, and only you. And she stays there where she knows she is not wanted, nor appreciated, because of that. According to you, yourself, she very clearly has nowhere else to go.
Honestly, I do not care about all of these childish, immature, selfish, narcissistic, antisocial bits of advice and remarks of others. Because that is all they are. If you want your mother out so badly, then put her out. Get her into assisted living. Call adult care at social services and get her someone who can HELP her get out of a situation that you claim you clearly want her out of. Or, just acknowledge the huge effort you have made, and realize that every single aspect of it may not be ideal for her, either. My mother was rotten and mean. She flayed us with switches, and put us out of the house on the morning of our 16th birthdays. She took every single thing she could from us, and gave nothing back but insults and name calling. I would never, ever, leave her homeless and feeling unwanted.
So all in all, I cannot emphathise with your misery. Most particularly after having provided hospice care to several relatives, young and old. So I think you need to either do your business or get off the pot
"So all in all, I cannot emphathise with your misery. Most particularly after having provided hospice care to several relatives, young and old." Why bother commenting at ALL if you have no empathy in you? Are you immune from critique b/c you have provided hospice care to others? There are some here who have cared for loved ones for decades!
This OP has every right to feel burned out and want to get her mother another place to live. It's terrible of you to shame her for it.
The focus is to get her another room to live - out of your house - in as soon as possible. I wouldn't even spend the time trying to accommodate her at your house or trying to make it work for a while - it's too much unnecessary stress.
And in her next abode - even if it's temporary - if she likes being on the computer, there are plenty of remote jobs that she can work from home to get additional income.
Also, plenty of cities have senior community centers and activities thru the day - so she can always have a new social life. But really for now - check websites for room mates and maybe something can open up for a Sept opportunity. If need be, try to come up with an excuse that you'll be needing the extra bedroom she's in for other means - even for your job requirements.
Wishing you all the best ~
This suggestion is probably a no go, but can you find a home with a mother in law suit so she has her own suite and privacy? If that is out of the question, then onto plan B. Which could be better!
Since she sounds like she is still able bodied, put her to work! She can now "help" her family she is part of. Now she is a contributing member. She can do laundry for you, or the kids laundry, help put away groceries, change sheets, cook sometimes giving you a break. She can look up preplanned dump meals, which are great by the way. Just dump ingredients in bags and freeze. Then throw in crock pot when you want. An hour of prep and you could have sev meals at the ready. They are so convenient. She can look that info up on youtube, and plan out some freezer meals. The kids can help dump cans in. She can cut up vegs. Making meals is a big task to have a break from sometimes.
She can dust, watch the kids, play a game with them, pull some weeds? (Maybe) Bring in/take out trash can, put recycles out, mop a floor. Help you and the family. You will look at her as a wonderful help, rather than a pain in the butt.
Have mealtimes together. I think that will de-escalate the situation. Cant stress that enuff. No tv. When you see her as a help and not a lump on the couch always there. Always watching. Then you will feel calmer. It will be so much better. You have a help mate.
Maybe she can cook breakfasts? It might make her feel wanted and a contributing member of the family! And make a fuss how wonderful. That was great. What a help you are! I get to ease into my day for work. And enjoy my coffee in peace, without rushing. Mom made the kids lunch. Wow, I get a break. Or she made lunch when school starts. What a help. Thanks mom, you are so helpful. Sure you don't have to praise her, but you want her to continue to help. And i YOU get a break.
Can she take the kids out for a walk? Or have them ride their bikes on the side walk, and her watching them. Maybe the family can take a walk or go to the park. Extra eyes on the kids. Or in the back yard. Eyes on the kids is always good.
My dad stayed with me. He was a lump on the couch 16hrs a day. Tv blaring. I had no privacy. And he expected 3 hot meals a day! He didn't make himself 3 hots at his home. I wanted to scream. I just wasn't used to him being there. The privacy issue that was a huge bone of contention.
So I thought I have to change my mindset. The situation couldnt change. So I made breakfast and he had to come to the table. He wanted to eat every meal in front of tv. He wasnt moving from the couch all day. I said no. We had sandwiches for lunch. Then I cooked dinner, and we ate at the table. We had ACTUAL conversations!!! No tv. And we re-bonded.
Husb and him werent happy at first but too bad. They can tape a show. If the tv is on, no one talks, people get mad they couldn't hear their show because others were talking. Its not bonding with those you love. It's existing. Just having meals at the table de-escalated the situation tremendously, and were actually fun! We had nice evenings, him and my dad bonded, we pre planned meals, I didn't think of him as this lump on the couch any more. We reminisced about different things. Had great conversations. My husb and him talked cars, and guy stuff/work. It was nice. And I stopped feeling he was intruding on my life. It was so much better afterwards. My husb stopped asking when is he leaving. He enjoyed the meal time too.
AND my husb and I went away for a WHOLE week and he stayed and watched the house!!!! I had neighbor girls water my flowers. It was fantastic. So it was a win win.
You have to change your mindset and think of her as the grandma who helps. It's win/win.
This suggestion is probably a no go, but can you find a home with a mother in law suit so she has her own suite and privacy? If that is out of the question, which I get that is a huge undertaking and probably is, then onto plan B. Which could be better.
Since she sounds like she is of sound mind, put her to work! She can now "help" her family she is part of. Now she is a contributing member. She can do laundry for you, or the kids laundry, help put away groceries, change sheets, cook sometimes giving you a break. She can look up preplanned dump meals, which are great by the way. Just dump ingredients in bags and freeze. Then throw in crock pot when you want. An hour of prep and you could have sev meals at the ready. They are so convenient. She can look that info up on youtube, and plan out some freezer meals. The kids can help dump cans in. She, can cut up the vegs. Making meals is a big task to have a break from sometimes. Because you freed up an hour or so. She can dust, watch the kids, play a game with them, pull some weeds? (Maybe) Bring in/take out trash can, put recycles out, mop a floor. Help you and the family. You will look at her as a wonderful help, rather than a pain in the butt.
Have mealtimes together. I think that will de-escalate the situation. When you see her as a help and not a lump on the couch or in her chair. Always there. Always watching. Then you will feel calmer. It will be so much better.
Maybe she can cook breakfasts? It might make her feel wanted and a contributing member of the family! And make a fuss how wonderful. That was great. What a help you are! I get to ease into my day for work. And enjoy my coffee in peace, without rushing. Mom made the kids lunch. Wow, I get a break. Or she made lunch when school starts. What a help. Thanks mom, you are so helpful. Sure you don't have to praise her, but you want her to continue to help. And it would be a great help to YOU.
Can she take the kids out for a walk? Or have them ride their bikes on the side walk, and her watching them. Maybe the family can take a walk or go to the park. Extra eyes on the kids. Or in the back yard. Eyes on the kids is always good.
My dad stayed with me. He was a lump on the couch 16hrs a day. Tv blaring. I had no privacy. And he expected 3 hot meals a day! He didn't make himself 3 hots at his home. I wanted to scream. I just wasn't used to him being there. The privacy issue that was a huge bone of contention.
So I thought I have to change my mindset. The situation couldnt change. So I made breakfast and he had to come to the table. He wanted to eat every meal in front of tv. He wasnt moving from the couch all day. I said no. We had sandwiches for lunch. Then I cooked dinner, and we ate at the table. We had ACTUAL conversations!!! No tv.
Husb and him werent happy at first but to bad. They can tape a show. If the tv is on, no one talks, and people get mad they couldn't hear their show because others were talking. Its not bonding with those you love. It's existing. Just having meals at the table de-escalated the situation tremendously, and were actually fun! We had nice evenings, him and my dad bonded, we pre planned meals, I didn't think of him as this lump on the couch any more. We reminisced about different things. Had great conversations. My husb and him talked cars, and guy stuff/work. It was nice. And I stopped feeling he was intruding on my life. It was so much better afterwards. My husb stopped asking when is he leaving. He enjoyed the meal time too.
AND my husb and I went away for a WHOLE week and he stayed and watched the house!!!! I had neighbor girls water my flowers. It was fantastic. So it was a win win.
You have to change your mindset and think of her as the grandma who helps. It's win/win.
I could no longer live with my mother than fly to the moon. Too much back history and a lot of it is not good and no 'closure' will ever happen, so it's all on me to sort through, compartmentalize and forgive. I doubt I will live long enough to truly forgive her--but I do work on it.
It's not worth YOUR mental health to be caring for someone who, for all intents and purposes, could be working PT and living independently. I know there are simply not enough low income housing units. But, there are rooms to rent, houses to share with other elders--it doesn't have to be low income housing or NOTHING. Lots of options.
Has she applied for the low income housing? I have a friend who NEEDS to split from her husband. Over 2 years ago she was complaining that the waiting list was 18-24 months long. Instead of applying and waiting it out, she did nothing. She was b$tching about how much she hates him, blah, blah and how she needs to get away--and I told her (not very nicely, I'm not proud to say) "I've known you over 2 years and your story never changes. If you had applied for housing when we first talked about it--you'd have a place by now." She was silent and chastened and I felt bad--but it drives me NUTS when people just sit and complain and complain about something they have the POWER to fix. My friend will NEVER move and will NEVER divorce her husband. In 10 years her story will not change.
Don't let that happen to you, OK?
No one had any answers, and you stepped in the first time. Everyone assumed YOU would be the answer the second time, and so you were.
I wouldn't have begged my brother; I would have simply told him it was his turn and refused to take Mama in again. There will never BE another answer or solution as long as you are the default.
Shes in her 70’s, definitely she could have something medically or psychologically going on, something I didn’t see mentioned is has she been to a doctor recently for a full evaluation?
I do think it’s completely reasonable to request that as part of her living there she be out for part of the day when your working at home, to give you space you emotionally need, whether it’s attending a drop in program for seniors, visiting a library, etc.
Tell mom, together with your spouse…
we are going to tour 3 places - we have appointments this weekend. You can either pick one of them or find something you like better. You need to move out on ——. You will need to rent a truck and I have enlisted family and friends to help so the move will not cost you more,
I live with my daughter and her family, but I have a small studio apartment over their garage. None of us would survive living in the same building with each other! I often take care of the grand kids (the original reason I came here), the animals when they go on vacation, meet contractors, etc. Would it be possible to isolate your mother's living area, and make a small apartment?
Help her look for senior housing that she can afford. There may be a waiting list so keep that in mind.
If you do not care about the $700 that she is contributing and if you do not need it (I hope you don't since you won't have it when she moves out)take that money and bank it in a separate account and she can use that to finance her move and rent and security deposit if she needs it.
When she has problems again DO NOT let her move in with you again. She will find a place.
If she will not voluntarily move out you may have to go to Court to evict her.
Unless I missed it I didn’t see any mention in the op of the mom having been medically evaluated by a doctor. At her advanced age in her 70’s there could very well be something going on that isn’t blatantly obvious, whether medically, psychologically or both. If that hasn’t been addressed it should be a priority.
This is water under the bridge, but no one had any answers because YOU were the answer the first time and they assumed (rightly so, as it turns out) that you would come to the rescue this time, too.
I am sorry that you are in this situation. I knew that my mother could never live with me. She even said so herself. Society really expects the daughters to be the caregivers, though, don't they?
What I had thought about doing if it looked like I would have to start providing more caregiving to my mother would be to discuss it all with my doctor. If he said my mental health would suffer (and it would have), then I would have put my foot down and refused to do that.
What are your mother's assets? You say she can't afford an apartment, but as someone said there are apartments for share. You will have to force the issue.
How does this sound to you?
Your uncle has ‘issues’, and SO DO YOU. It’s up to you to push the point – she's 72 and in reasonable health, but doesn’t want to get a job or hobby. You don’t want to share your house. Your house, your call. Get her to her sister's place 'for a trial', and don't take her back. Suggest that she starts researching other options in case it doesn't work out.
Seriously though.. if the main problem is your daytime work, what space to you have available? A designated office area? With a door? Set work hours?
What level of care does Mom need in your working hours?
Can she make her own lunch etc?
".. does absolutely nothing but sit around on her computer all day".
I can't follow why this has you so upset to be honest. Sounds like she is keeping out of the way, no?
Or is she constantly interruptioning you? Or reading aloud? Wanting your company?
Many years ago, I found placing my very young children in daycare a day a week very benficial. I had uninterrupted time for chores & later on, more days for work. They had stimulation. Win/win.
Think about your space. How to create more between you.. Can you remove yourself (into a designated office?) Or interest Mom in adult daycare or outside the home activities?
Either way, it's going to fall on you. Your mom doesn't know how to help herself.
How about you find her an apartment or house where she's a roommate? I see those ads on Facebook quite often, and other sites where people are looking for a roommate to share expenses in a house. She obviously cannot afford her OWN place, and I would advise you against finding her such a place based on past history. She needs to pay affordable rent for LIFE now, based on her SS income alone, so she's not back on your doorstep again crying poverty.
Here's a link to a site that shows you the 9 Best Roommate Finders on the Web:
https://smartasset.com/mortgage/top-9-best-roommate-finders
You and your husband can go with her to scope the places out to get a feel for them first.
GOOD LUCK!