My mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia and at the moment she has a broken arm. According to the doctors, my father is in excellent condition both physical and mental.My sister and I have volunteered several times to stay with my mother for as long as it takes for my father to clear his head, which he refuses because in his own words “I want to be with her all the time, so I don´t feel guilty!”.After my father left the hospital because undergoing surgery for an inguinal hernia, the all family was together at my house, while he spoke nonstop and anyone else couldn´t spoke, because he becomes angry if we don´t listen to him, because is disrespectful (all Sundays we lunch together and it’s allways like this). I went to visit them the very next day, because he refused to stay at my house for a week as agreed.He was angry and shouting the entire time.First he spoke about the war very angry as if it´s end depende on his anger, which immediately left me drained.I asked him if the food I made for them was good, he replied it was bad, because the meat wasn´t tender enough and he didn't even mention the rest of the food... Then he started talking bad about the housekeeper who works at their home 5 h/day during the week “She doesn’t know how to do anything properly!” telling me in detail what he thinks is wrong, but in reality it's just not his way. I told him that he has to accept the way people work, because if that's not the case, it's not possible to have employees.Then he complained that he has to do everything for my mother, like peel and cut the fruit for breakfast and only then peel his own and have breakfast very late (5/10 minutes later). I suggested giving her fruits that didn't need to be peeled or cut, like I did at home, as she was with me for 1 day, while he was at the hospital. He shouted “You were only with her for a few hours and you’re not 75 years old” and so on!Then he complained that she had already wet herself today and that it was difficult for him to help her change clothes. In addition to responding that they could be with me and I would have helped him change her clothes, I also suggested that he asked her every two hours if she wanted to go to the bathroom, as I did at my house and that she really didn't wet herself... The answer was the same or worse as the previous one.Then my mother asked me to put ice on her hand, he started screaming that it wasn't like that, he undid what I had done and did it all over again (the end result was the same). I asked him if there was a need for that scene, to which he shouted again.And it's always like this every time we meet.I'm fed up and resentful.How to deal with it? Please give me suggestions.
Involving him in the care could be helpful, for example, if she needs a bandage put on her hand, " Dad can you help me put this bandage on mom's wrist? it's hard to imagine but someday they both will be gone and you may miss having him yell at you. Some forms of dementia manifest in anger he maybe healthy physically but could have early stages of decline. Was he always this way? or is this new behavior?
Involving him in the care could be helpful, for example, if she needs a bandage put on her hand, " Dad can you help me put this bandage on mom's wrist? it's hard to imagine but someday they both will be gone and you may miss having him yell at you. Some forms of dementia manifest in anger he may be healthy physically but could have early stages of decline. Was he always this way? or is this new behavior?
The following could be the reasons.
1) Dad can’t deal with caring for your mother , it’s too much for him
2) He’s upset with their decline , he even said to you “ you’re not 75”.
3). Dad has undiagnosed dementia
Even with a housekeeper 5 hours a day during the week isn’t enough . Dad is still overwhelmed with the hands on caregiving . Perhaps an aide to come and give Dad breaks and maybe cut back some on the housekeeper . Let the aide do hands on care for Mom , let Dad do the laundry ???
Although Dad doesn’t like how others do things , so he may give the aide a tough time .
The other option is assisted living for both of them since Dad is overwhelmed .
Good luck , seems as if you have a rough road ahead with Dad especially .
Has your mom CHOSEN to stay with him through all of it?
Then, basically nothing is changed other than your determination to give advice where you might know it isn't wanted, and your determination to fix it all (which you cannot do whether your Dad and Mom are cooperative and thankful or not.
You aren't responsible for any of this.
You didn't cause it.
You can't fix it.
Nothing is (I would imagine) much different.
BOW OUT. Tell them you are there and if they need you they should give you a call.
As to the food being good or not? Why ask questions you aren't willing to hear the answer for. He likely only likes a certain type food he is used to; sounds set in his ways.
Get on with your life. You are simply going to cause more pain by your insistence on intervening.
Just my opinion from the little you tell us.
If it were me, I'd cut down on the Sunday lunches. How can anyone be allowed to enjoy themselves with dad carrying on like a madman? Look into taking mom out for lunch alone and leave dad by himself to yell at the walls. Keep dad away from your interactions with mom as much as possible. How did she get a broken arm, btw? Any chance dad is being physical with her?
Next time dad starts yelling, maybe tell him you're not putting up with his verbal abuse today and leave his presence. I'd do that with my mother because nobody deserves ugliness. If dad is so stressed out, he needed to agree to the caregiver plan I mentioned above. That'll give him some free time to relax and compose himself.
Best of luck to you.
Seems Dad will never be satisfied. Hevis justva complainer. You either put up with it or tell him about it. He is an unhappy person.
The housekeeper is a good person and helps with everything they want, she cooks for them too and the house is big. She is been working for them for plus 20 years.
Dad really lost it when mom had eye surgery and couldn't do anything for him for 3 days.
When he died there was a lot of relief, relief that he was off the roads driving and relief that he wasn't around to treat mom badly.
I'm wondering what your mom says?
Because I want to warn you that, after dad passed, I learned that mom is just as disfuctional if not more than my dad, a more covert, sweet narssasist disfuction, that I choose not to see for a long time.
Not saying this is your case but I just wanted to warn you.
So sorry this is so hard. I'm also wondering if there is some dementia going on with your dad that doctors are not picking up.
I think family sees it more first than doctors. I would educate myself on all types of dementia, with Google and YouTube. Its life long education anyways that is always good for people to know and understand it better. Go to Teepa Snow on YouTube also.
Best of luck