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She has her own bathroom, but no way to take a shower in it. The hallway bathroom we had conveyed to a walk in shower for her. She has told m, several times, she almost fell, or had horrible pain in both legs and back and struggled to get out safely. Yet she refuses to shower when we are home, stating there is nothing wrong with her mind. It isn’t her mind we are concerned with. I told her she could fall and lay there for hours and she said, “I hope so!” I told that doesn’t mean she will die, she always states how she wants to die because she can no longer drive herself or cook. She refuses to try to do anything else, she sits all day and watches tv, the neighbors and reads. And complains.

It sounds possible that M comes out of the shower into the hall naked, because she finds it easier to dry and dress herself in a less confined space. That might be the reason why she doesn’t like to shower when you are at home. Perhaps you could check by making a ‘privacy’ arrangement, to see if that might work for her?
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Sponge baths are better and safer for the elderly. Medical monitors if they fall. Showers with a stool, shower mat, grab bars, and a hand-held nozzle may work and is preferred by my mom.
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Reply to CareforMominTN
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I supervise the showers. The aide does it as well. You only need 2 or 3x per week. Make sure you have grab bars and a shower bench or chair. She is too fragile to shower alone so someone is always right there. I use a handheld shower head to rinse her. No standing while in the shower is the rule, because of a fall backwards. I stick to my guns on that one.
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Reply to Silverspring
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Sounds like MIL should not be left alone.
It also sounds like someone needs to guide her into the shower and help her by standing by while she showers. (also making sure she is actually doing a good job of it) You can hire a Shower Aide but a Caregiver during the times when she is home alone would be the safest option.
Getting her into an Adult Day Program would also be a good idea.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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I think you are wrong. It IS her mind you now need to be concerned with.
She needs to be in MC where staff will assist her with showers or other paths to cleanliness in a professional manner despite her feelings about it. This is a broken brain in the sense that "feelings" and "wishes" and "wanting" no longer figure in the equation. Often the very worst approaches are those by well-meaning family. This adds to the struggle. I am so sorry. I think you have decisions coming up soon for a whole mind-body approach to her care that isn't familial.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Yes the fear of slipping and effort it takes and pain removing and changing clothes affect many elderly people
my Dad went thru a stage of it and I was shocked as he was akways super clean and took pride in his appearance
we devised a plan
gst a bowl of warm water and flannel
put a little disinfectant in it and somewhere pref in her room for her to wipe down
liquid soap
they even do no rinse soap
a flannel did the body and one for face
allow her to have a wipe down
of she’ll let you help - help her and give her some pride and turn around or leave the room fur her to wipe personal areas
leave a towel
that will deal with washing and then you can slowly work in a shower every Fortnight or month
and lay fresh clothes out for her
it worked for my father
And he’s nice and clean now
a lot if the time it really relates to the pain and effort it takes changing ( and washing)
my father would love his soaks in the bath then said he nearly slipped and wouldn’t use a bath again
for the shower try and get a chair fur her to sit on
we have my dad in clean boxer shorts and we help him wash then leave the room fir him to wash personal areas then return to help him dry
again leaving room for him to sort out private area
and the procedure became routine and gets quicker now
it was all about making the process easier?
good luck
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Reply to Jenny10
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Seniors need to associate with ppl their own age, sitting alone is not the answer is there a senior day care in your area, mostly run by a county, my cousin runs one in Illinois.

Might improve her quality of life.
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Reply to MeDolly
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This does not sound like a woman who can be "put" or "gotten into" anything against her will. My mother is much the same -- early dementia, resists showers, says she's lived too long, wants to die, no "heroic" measures, etc. I have had to tell her outright that she has body odor; wipes do help although are not a total solution; and, after an episode of shingles, she finally agreed to have an aide come a few times a week. She has a shower chair and hand held shower head, and their arrangement is that the aide sits right outside the door while she is washing just in case. I have also had to be extremely blunt about the risk -- not of dying, since that's what she says she wants -- but of "lying in your own sh** all night...." (She does have a medical alert, but doesn't always wear it.) And of course, many things have to be repeated since she doesn't necessarily remember, which requires a great deal of patience and acceptance on my part, as well as self-forgiveness when I fall short in that department.
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Reply to DepressedMom
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You bring in some hommecare help a couple days a week and they will shower her.

Lay down the law with her. Either she showers twice a week with the assistance of either a homecare aide or you and your husband, or she no longer lives in your house.

Never allow the refusal of basic hygiene in your house. Or any other kind of unhygienic mess like food in bedrooms or garbage left around. Don't allow this.

Believe me if your MIL has it together mentally, the threat of going to a "home" wil be enough to get her regularly showering.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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MiaMoor Sep 21, 2024
I agree with what you say about basic cleanliness - there's no reason why anyone should have to put up with smells and worse because of another's lack of hygiene - but not about showering, specifically. There's lots of reasons why elderly people don't like being in a shower. A bed bath / sponge bath should be good enough.
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I don't think I understand what you are trying to describe, or what the question is.
Lock the door? What door? Why?

Does she live with you?

If she is uncomfortable showering, it is probably unsafe for her to do alone. She needs help. She needs a shower chair, and possibly an aide to assist her.

Not sure what you are wanting help with. Maybe just needed to vent?

My advice is to avoid getting into a battle of wills with her. You don't need to argue about the way she is choosing to spend her days. Her feelings are valid, and she has earned the right to live as she wishes, which may well be very different from her earlier days, and may be very different from your expectations.

If she is able and willing, try finding an adult day care program to get her out of the house and socializing with others. An alternative would be to have a companion aide come to the house to spend time with her. They could give her attention and do little things to help her with things she struggles with.

Also, talk with her doctor about prescribing an antidepressant.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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