Won't move back to the master bedroom because my dad died in there 5 years ago. We’ve offered to redecorate but she won’t go for it. Like many other situations on here she is controlling, strong willed and independent and can be mean. We went through several years of this with my husband's parents and now my own mother. I’ve never felt close to her but I’m going to suck it up and do the right thing. Any tips on talking to her about her inability to get around? I’m kind of afraid of her. Ps. She is cognitively 100% able just has increasing issues with arthritis.
You might also have remove any bed that is upstairs so that sleeping up there isn't even an option.
Why do they have to be so darn stubborn?? Doesn't she understand that she could all too easily fall down those darn stairs and hurt or kill herself? Not too much you can do besides try to reason with her - but you can't be fighting with her about this regularly or it will just further damage your relationship.
Frustrating....
Desire To Live
Think about having an occupational therapist come in to evaluate her safety in her home. There are more problems than just the stairs. Her doctor could order it.
Her behavior is normal. Stop trying to change her. Do you realize how many widows refuse to live in the house where a spouse passed away? My GF, an aunt and my own sister couldn't stay in the house. I lost my DH but this is MY house and I have no trouble staying here. My DH died in the livingroom, not in my bedroom. And I still had to replace the bed.
Until you walk in your Mother's shoes, please tread carefully.
Several good options listed in responses - the chair lift that would allow her to be able to still use the upstairs portion of her house or making another downstairs room into a bedroom. My bet is she would prefer to keep going upstairs because she doesn't want to change her 'normal' or admit to herself she can no longer keep doing what she is doing.
If she agrees to the chair lift, get her a leg exerciser to use during the day. It will make up for no longer climbing stairs. Check in to the knee shots that might give her a little relief from pain.
Second fall, I did the PT with her for 20 mins. a day, which forced her. After I 'passed on' my role as primary caregiver to my sister (a few years later) and sis didn't care to 'do' the PT, mom Immediately stopped. No amount of pleading, scolding or pointing out that it was for her own good (balance, strength) touched her. Sadly, it kinda made me lose respect for her, and like her a little less--since I saw it as a "I'll fall again, and someone [me] will just put their lives on hold and take care of me."
"We’ve offered to redecorate...." I've learned that offering to do anything for stubborn old people rarely ever elicits the desired "Yes please!" Rather than offer, be direct with your mother: "Mother, I'm concerned that you are going to fall down the stairs. What do you want to do with the downstairs bedroom where dad died?" Then be quiet and listen to her.
Depending on what she says, you may have several options for that room. Come back and let us know.
As an 85 year old, I do not want people telling me to stop something "for my own good". God, I hate those words. We are all going to die. Right now I have 2 friends and 1 relative on hospice. Most of us will end up in nursing homes. In the meantime, let us live our lives on our terms. She could sleep on the couch if she wants to.
I was at my husband's Cardiologist yesterday, he was telling us about a woman in her 80's that has Metastatic Breast Cancer all over her left side and neck. Her family wants to keep trying to save her, they want him to move her pacemaker from her left side to the right so they can radiate her entire left side. He said he hates to put her through it, but the family is insisting. Don't be one of those "loving" family members.
I think a security button (Help I've fallen down and can't get up) is great. Mention to her that she probably doesn't need it, but it will ease your mind. With my mother we set it up so they called me, then my daughter, then 911. My girlfriend who lived in Southern California and her mother in Montana (for those of you outside the U.S. about 2,000 miles away) had theirs set up so it would call 911 then her. That way she knew something was wrong.
I would remind her that you can't take her in to your home, and what does she want when she can't take care of herself? Then let her decide. Be grateful that she doesn't want to move in with you.
I wouldn’t want to sleep in a bedroom where someone died. No way.
She’s old. She’s stubborn. She’s set in her ways. You will not change her. Where is that magic wand, right? Would be nice if everyone that cared for stubborn parents would find a magic wand in the Christmas stocking this year.
I was thinking that is where my dad would have preferred to die and my mom was being selfish, but maybe there is something to that. Yes, the stairlift. I am guessing she is not a veteran but the VA installed one for my uncle.
We were offered my husband’s grandma’s home after she died. A beautiful home in uptown New Orleans. We turned it down. That woman was so mean that I felt that she would haunt us! Hahaha 😂
Can she actually exist on one level? Arthritis... check out green muscles from New Zealand.. it's the newest thing I have been hearing about... Supposed to be real good. a website sayss take it for 30 days... if you don't feel different, they will encourage you to take another month supply and re-imburse you for the first supply.....
Collegen, calcium. etc/ ask your doc or nutritionist.
Anyhow... a lift is a temporary fix... When Ma becomes too bad... do you have the wheel chair ramp set up to get her outside to the car, or wheel chair access taxi cab? Perhaps, you should ask the doc or social worker to come out and do a house safety check...to see what if anything needs to be done to make if a safe place of older people with issues...arthritis..
She just may have been grumpy... She may have loved having a loved one around... I would have taken the chance... :_)
Take it now... sell later if it turned out to be an issue...