I am caring for an aging parent at the end of life from terminal small cell lung cancer. At diagnosis, it was already Stage 4 and treatment was rejected. This was several months ago. I have two other siblings who know nothing of this diagnosis or the fact that death is near. One lives out of state and talks to our parent mostly on holidays and birthdays. The other sibling lives a couple hours away, but due to family estrangement they don't speak. When the diagnosis was given, I was told that I am in no way shape or form to say anything to anyone. Not to family, not to neighbors, etc. I respected that wish and asked a few times throughout this process if that was still the case. My parent had full mental capacity throughout and quite frankly, I see it that is was not my business to tell and I am sure there were reasons for that decision. However, I am going to have to make these difficult phone calls when they did not even know that there was a terminal illness. How would you approach this? It is a very bad burden to have to carry.
Regardless this isn’t your decision. Don’t assume more responsibility than you have. You have quite a lot already.
The calls will most likely be harder on you than them although they may be shocked at the news. Do you call them often? If not, they will probably know when they see your number.
I can tell you that for me when both parents were gone, siblings became even more precious. Write out what you want to say. Date, time, any plans for a service if that isn’t known when you call or just leave it open. Are the other two siblings close? The first you call might offer to call the second one.
I would ask my parent to do me the courtesy of leaving a will. If that has been taken care of then the will should speak for the parent and cause you a lot less distress dealing with whatever comes next from the siblings.
Since the parent is of sound mind then those details should be easy enough to deal with.
Have you discussed hospice? Will that be at home or in a facility?
You matter to. You will be presumably living in the neighborhood and be receiving condolences. I would plan my responses accordingly. “The condition was advanced. There was a wish for privacy”. Something to ease the situation and move along and keep you from having to explain over and over. I think sometimes people were closer friends though life but in the end lose the connection. But please do find someone you can trust and are able to discuss these events with.
Many of us have been where you are in the realization that we are in the final days of a parents life and posters do find it comforting to come here for support and hugs. We care. Let us know how it goes.
Not only will they help you and your parent the Social Worker might be a good place to start in trying to build or re-build this bridge.
The Social Worker might be able to help your parent see that it would be a good idea to inform family and friends at this time.
But that said if this is their wish and they are aware of the decision they are making then that is one that you should abide by. Although it would break my heart to be in your position.
((hugs))
Can yo do a conference call somehow. Or, text them. I am sorry I am busy with mom, and this is the easiest. Will mom be willing to say hi over the phone?
When you have to make those calls to say he has passed on and they ask what the cause was, say it was end stage 4 lung cancer which was untreatable. If they ask if you were aware you can say yes and explain since your father did not know how long he had he just wanted to quietly enjoy what time was left rather than deal with reactions to the news.
If they continue to pressurise that you should have informed them, you can state that you empathised with his predicament, honoured his wishes yet continued to check in case he changed his view regarding his family being informed in the hope that he would agree .
Should they be selfish enough to continue - point out he was in full control of his mental faculties and wished to avoid any distress at that time, and even though it placed you in an awkward predicament you complied with his last wishes.
I hope that your father may change his mind and give the rest of your family a chance to meet, laugh at memories, cry a little, forgive, forget and become closer as a result
You will have others express anger, it's part of the grieving process. Realize it is not against you, but against the situation.
Calmly tell others, when he/she has passed, that this was your parent's wishes and his/her business. You are honoring that trust.
I would hate for you to get blamed by them. People can be awful after a family member dies and it wouldn’t be fair to you to be accused of “keeping dad to yourself” when they didn’t know that your dad forbid you to say anything.
Keeping you in my thoughts. ❤️
If your siblings were not related to the person dying of cancer, I would absolutely conceal it. But to his own children--your siblings..I'd tell them. Don't you think they have a right to know? What if it were you that was concealed that information and he up and died knowing one of your siblings decided to keep quiet about it. Do you honestly believe that is fair?
Did your parent tell you not to share the info about the cancer or about his/her health in general? If it was specific to terminal cancer, then just don't mention that. I would let them know the health appears to be failing in a more rapid manner than previously. Let them decide if they visit or not.
You never really know how a visit could go. Perhaps both sides will take the opportunity to forgive each other. Maybe not, but at least they had the chance.
Tough spot to be in - parent may leave this world wanting them to come just because they want to come (not because of guilt or illness). Child may lose a parent without having the chance to say goodbye. Often the problems with separation were blown way out of proportion and two hard-heads are both waiting on the apology or olive branch.
Having said that, you can't very well pick this moment to argue it out with your dying parent and hope to correct such a supremely self-centred point of view. Of course not.
So, when the day dawns, you will have to follow through by holding tight to your parent's wish and rejecting any blame for it. This is your parent's decision, you are carrying it out, the rest of it is nothing to do with you. It is between the parent and the adult children. You have no authority, so you can have no responsibility.
The only other thing I can think of is calling on a pastor or religious counsellor to listen to your parent and, perhaps, advise a change of heart. It isn't a matter of the children assuaging their consciences; it's a matter of excising the vindictiveness that your parent seems bent on carrying to the grave, and hoping that will benefit the parent.
I can see this coming in my extended family. My Son-in-Law's parents have never approved of any of his choices. They require 2 weeks notice before they will approve of a visit from their children. Then there are a lot of must do this or that attached. They scold so much and have put themselves in the abandoned position. They won't call their children they expect the children, who are in their 50's to call them. I expect my SIL and his brother not to know about any death until it is over. Maybe not even about the funeral. What selfish people they are. I am considered a Grandma to one who isn't even related to me by blood. I might add, I love this kid with all my heart.
We call the family member that we are not telling anything to and day "call dad", or " call your sister".
If asked why, we say, "just do it".
We call back a week later and check if they've called. If they haven't, well, we tried.
It's worked for 3 generations. It's dysfunctional, but it works out.
Just yesterday, my brother texted me and told me to call my cousin, without further elaboration. Her brother had committed suicide the day before.
Based on what you shared about the family, I wouldn't worry about it. Since they have chosen to limit contact they apparently don't care about the loved ones wellbeing like you do. Thats ok. To each their own. Once your loved one is gone, you will know in your heart you have done the right thing. Let the others deal with their own grief and guilt. Not for you to worry about. If they say anything simply state "If you had stayed in touch frequently, you might have known." You have enough to deal with, right?!
Enjoy the time left with your loved one and let them stew in their own juices if they even feel the need to.
Hugs dear one.
My sister did that crap and I saw hearts broken that could have been mended and supported her through death, now there is no chance to say goodbye. Terrible, nasty thing to do, regardless of what has happened in the past.
Sorry your sister chose to exit as she did. I hope that, at least, it opened the eyes of those left behind to always remember you never know when your last words to someone will actually be the last words.
When the passing happens, all you need to say is the person passed. It’s no one’s business how someone died unless you want to give out the information.
No one needs to feel guilty, you have no control over sickness, death or not passing on private info about illness.
It’s always the person’s wishes. Maybe your parent didn’t like fake pity and sadness, which runs rampant in society. In addition, having people crying, stressed out, and trying to release their own guilty feelings is stressful to the person dying. I think this is wrong on so many levels. It then comes down to the living wanting to make themselves better and ignoring the dying person and the death process. The dying person should die in peace and comfort.
Maybe the parent feels the others dont care and their death will "hit them hard" in remorse. Whatever their reason, if you are the one who has to break the news to the siblings then it is a burden put on you.
You have freedom not to play the game.
I like the suggestion someone said . Call the siblings and say"just call him" no explanation.
If you think the siblings knowing wouldn't bring them over spilling the beans and throwing you under the bus, if they can some and be respectful to keep the secret you told them dad was dying, then tell them.
If they would tell dad you told them, then just give them a chance to call dad without any explanation.
How will they react after he dies, will they badger you that they didn't know? Whatever protects you best from the "living" do it
Statistically speaking they likely experienced psychological abuse of which you did not experience to the degree being currently manipulated.
Being told that it's none of your business,is a common tactic of an abusive parent who has elected in this case: to manipulate one golden-child and two scapegoats.
BTW--It became "your business," when that parent requested you join into the abuse by withholding end-of-life information. That's termed abuse by proxy. How would you react if you were one of the scapegoated siblings??
Based on having seen how this unfolds, multiple times...TELL your siblings, email text etc., Otherwise, beyond your parent's death, you will be accountable, by being blamed for withholding that information. Your parent is deliberately creating a post-death conflict. Contact your siblings NOW.
You have hindsight right now...If you had told your siblings then it would have provided them time to logically reconcile, to the best of that dying parent's and your sibling's capabilities.
How many people are withholding information beyond you??? Are you the only family member who knows about the parent's health?? Does that parent have friends? Anyone else who might need to know?
Is this a grudge or something different, only the OP knows the situation. People assuming the sick person is automatically wrong and trying to create a grudge or remorse seems critical. There is more going on here...
If the parent is still mentally alert they can create a video that states what they want. That way all the relatives can see it if they want and the OP don’t have to feel burdened.
Or try a social worker to facilitate this. The dying person still has a say. This is part of end of life wishes. I think the social worker is good because the OP won’t have to get into potential arguments.
Also that golden child theory is not entirely correct. Most caregivers are all three — they are golden children, scapegoated/sacrificed children and neglected children. Deep down the family caregiver puts up with a lot of family undercurrents that gets pushed on them and blamed for all kinds of things. This is why caregivers need to find their own centers and try to do what is right for the person they are caring for and themselves.
If the OP can’t live with the decision they need to tell the parent and contact additional resources.
You are the strong one here. Some call this putting you in a difficult situation but this isn't the first time you've been on his side. Do the best you can, that's all you can do and he knows it. And some would say what if you were the sibling with information withheld, you would know why and so do they.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
I am sure that it is a terrible burden to have to carry.
Then again, if it were me (I?) in the situation, I would tell my sisters, because, imo, this is something I absolutely believe that they should know while Mom or Dad is still alive. Not every parental request is reasonable or fair to you.
Without either of the above I can appreciate how very difficult you must be finding this - perhaps (and I don't know if this would be suitable) you could phone them and say the position as if the diagnosis were recent? All seems a little devious but I cannot see what you can do that fits your parents wishes and the obvious need to tell them at some point - after your parent passes????? if this will keep their wishes best. Hugs and thoughts with you xx