My brother has COPD and claims he can't help with my 95-year-old dad. He's not on oxygen and has never been to the ER. Is he exaggerating?
My brother has COPD and is 100% disabled according to the VA. My dad is on Hospice care with CHF. I have been the primary caregiver for the past four years and now I need some back up. I'm 73, he's 53. He claims he can't "breathe" at dad's house because it's too "stuffy". He wouldn't do any heavy lifting, just helping with daily chores. We have a cleaning person every two weeks, and I stay on top of everything from dispensing meds, meal prep, laundry, etc. My husband's health is failing, and I need to be home more, besides being exhausted, and need to slow down a bit. My sister makes dad breakfast five days a week,
Brother has never been hospitalized for COPD, not on oxygen, and uses an inhaler. He doesn't do much at home other than watch TV in his recliner most of the day. I think this is more probably by design than necessity. As far as dad's home being "stuffy", the rooms are large, and the house is clean. Everyone else is comfortable there. I just need to know if he's being overly dramatic and lazy or if I should be more empathetic? He's just never been known for putting himself out for anyone.
Forget about your brother! You and your sister need to have a serious conversation about your dad, whose needs are only going to increase. If you're 73 then your father is probably 90-something years old? How big is his house? What kind of shape is it in? What are his finances like? Can he afford to hire in-home help? What about assisted living? Do you or your sister have durable power of attorney?
If you want to help your father then start with the essentials - food, shelter, activities of daily living - and leave your brother out of it because he doesn't want to help and any help you get from him will either be short-lived, awful, or both.
Your father deserves dignity at his age. And it sounds like only you and your sister are interested in preserving that for him.
Contact a Patient Advocate and tell them that you are reaching a point where it is no longer safe for you to care for dad.
If nothing else tell them that you need Respite.
I do hope you are getting paid to care for him The VA does pay caregivers of Veterans.
And you should be getting a caregiver from the VA in any case.
As to your brother.
He may have COPD
Not everyone uses oxygen.
My suggestion is forget about any help from brother
(As to the COPD unless you are on his HIPAA forms you may never know either)
You can't "make" him help...you can't make him change. YOU have to readjust your expectations.
"Everyone else is comfortable at dad's house" because they don't have debilitating respiratory conditions! The slightest thing can set off a person with COPD that a healthy person wouldn't even notice.
Hire in home help as needed and don't insist on getting blood from a stone.
Good luck to you.
I personally think that if we make the choice to do caregiving we have no right whatsoever to expect it of others.
I think no one here would be comfortable judging your brother.
When you yourself, who have known him a lifetime, are uncertain whether he is telling the truth or not, how could we, a bunch of strangers from round the world, have a better guess?
He also won't be their 'employee' & be rostered by them.
He offers to do other tasks as befit his ability & apptitude.
He has seen, as I have, that the family-must-help-family ideal is a wonderful value but can get skewed into Family-Only-must-help-family. That is impractical.
Since this is your brother the moocher, I am surprised you are wasting any time on him.
Tell him since he is uncomfortable at dad’s house, he can take dad over to his house. Dad’s name may not be on the deed to brother’s home but he has more than paid for the right to live there.
I’m sorry your DH is having problems. Please hire some help with dad’s funds if brother won’t step up and spend this time with your DH. It’s always later than we think.
‘Good to hear from you Abby.
edit…here is a previous post from Abby regarding the brother.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/has-anyone-found-a-devastating-secret-from-elderly-parents-concerning-finances-447235.htm?orderby=recent
So he can not be your “ backup “ that you are looking for. Either hire help with Dad’s money or place Dad in a facility so you can focus on your husband .
Edit: Your Dad needs more help.
This does not mean your brother needs to provide it.
He said no.
He doesn’t have to give a reason.
Hands-on caregiving is not for everyone.
Consider a family meeting with all the key support people. Discuss with honesty with Dad, what Dad's care needs now are. Compare to what family can do. Include who wants to do more, who wants to do less, how to add more help, who will provide the additional help.
He has a cleaning service. Good.
Most families reach a point that more NON-family help is needed.
Dad may be there.
Even if your brother was well, would you really want someone who doesn’t want to be a caregiver doing this work?
I wouldn’t want someone who wasn’t interested in helping because they would become to extremely resentful and not care for your mom properly.
Wishing you all the best.
Stop expecting him to now be someone he never was.
Expectations = premeditated disappointments
I can honestly say I no longer care why my sister won't help, takes way to much energy outta me.
My brother is poa, and he is trying to put it all on me.
I'm just done with the blame game. Let's just get through this the best we can.
He's a taker. Not a giver.
Hire help with dad's money. Brother is who he is
Two girls and one boy...yes brother was the golden child. And 20 yrs apart, he was an only child sort of and spoiled. I will bet he was favored more growing up than you girls. Hard to break a lifetime thing. You need to forget about him. Be glad of the age difference because you will not be expected to care for him and you shouldn't.
If Dad has the money, hire that help. Use up that inheritance that brother would be holding his hand out for.
You have been propping your dad up for at least 4 years (probably longer than that). ** Based on your previous posts you have been doing this much longer than 4 years and dad has been dying for the past 2 years. Clearly he is not going anywhere anytime soon.
Clearly he cannot live at home because he is unable to do anything from giving himself his medications to fixing himself a sandwich or making breakfast. Pretty much he is not capable of doing anything for himself so the time has come for dad to be placed into a facility.
He is 95 and he may live well past 100. How many more years can you do this? Brother has indicated he can't help so he is not an option so stop trying to beat a dead horse with that one. He is not going to help - whether you think he is faking his sickness and is just lazy does not matter.
Funny how the elderly parent who has their own elderly children doing ALL the work for them is never considered lazy or selfish. I wonder why that is.
NOW is the time to put your own health and well being ahead of your father. Please for the sake of your husband and yourself make the move to get dad into a facility.
I am sorry your dad is transitioning but happy for him and your family as well.
Keep us posted. We care.