My dad has major depressive episodes. He is 64 years old and these started about 6 years ago when him and my mom divorced. I am 29 years old and the oldest of 4 kids ages: 29,27,25, and 21. My dad lived with me, my husband and our 2 daughters who are preschoolers for the last 5 years.
A month ago he moved into an independent retirement apartment.
He is retired and spent about 95% of his day laying in bed each day when he lived with us. He refused to shower and did not socialize with anyone except for me and my family, and a very occasional visit form one of my siblings. We thought having space to himself, but also having a maid, meals being cooked for him, and social activities would help him so we suggested the apartment to him. He was hesitant but agreed that it would be okay.
Over the past month I have called him once a week and visited him once a week on a different day. My siblings have not reached out to him at all. When I called yesterday he stated that since I saw him the previous Wednesday he hadn't eaten, had anything to drink, and had not slept, he also threatened self harm so I had to take him to the hospital to be Baker Acted. They did not find anything physically wrong that would cause the lack or eating or drinking. I am unsure what my role should be going forward. I love my dad and want to see him get better but I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed.
I am unsure what we should do when he is released? I do not feel like I am capable of continuing to help him when he refuses to help himself but I also don't think that not seeing him is a good option.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what my next steps should be?
If I were in your position I would seriously consider reporting him to social services (assuming no one is his PoA) and allow the county to get guardianship of him. They will care for and protect him and you can go on living your life with your husband and kids WHO ARE THE PRIORITY, not your dad.
He can check himself out of AL if no one is his legal PoA or guardian. He will need to pay someone to make sure he takes his meds while in AL (and he can't be forced to do so). In a facility he can't be forced to eat or drink. You must think deeply and carefully about whether you want this to drag on in your life since he's young (only 64) and this could go on for many years.
Finally, please please do not plan on paying for his care IF he even agrees to a facility. Help him apply for Medicaid. The cost of care is eye-watering and unsustainable unless you are fabulously wealthy. This robs from your own family. Please don't consider this an option, no matter what. Your siblings are under no obligation to participate in his care, as much as that thought pains you. But they have perhaps found healthy boundaries that you are just now discovering. Wishing you all the best as you move through this and make decisions.
I would say that in no circumstance should you allow your Dad to move back in with you as he is not trying to improve his condition or really interact with your family and others socially. Your children and husband are now your priority. I realize it pains you that your siblings are not actively participating in the effort to find a dx and solution for your Dad but that is their right. Please immediately inform the social worker at the psych facility that your Dad cannot be dc'd to your care/home!
Not sure if finances are an issue for you/Dad but be aware that depending on your Dad's state of residency, many assisted livings (ALs) do not accept Medicaid. Depending on his dx, some LTC facilities may not be able to meet his needs so you really will need suggestions from the current facility as to his future living arrangements.
Wishing you peace and luck on this difficult journey. Please keep us updated.
As as been posted under no
He sounds very depressed and living alone just makes it worse.
Med's can make depression worse and can make the person suicidal.
If Dad has to stay at his own apartment, he should be visited Every Day!
You should talk to the other Siblings and everyone pick out a day every week to visit him and on day's no one is assigned to, everyone should get a time slot to call him that day.
You could also have a Caregiver go by a day that no one can visit.
See if he can go to Adult Day Care a few days a week to meet and be around other Seniors and hopefully make a friend.
If he has a friend, invite them over for dinner or just to visit Dad and order Pizza and not cook that night.
Does your Dad play Cards? If do, invite 2 or 3 friends and arrange a Poker Day.
See if Dad can get interested in doing something like a large print Paint by number.
Rather he feels like it or not, take him to the park for a pic nic, go to the Zoo, go for a ride to the beach, ect.
A nice Nature walk getting a little Fresh Air and Sunshine does remarkable for a depressed person.
Music Therapy is good for the Soul and helps with depression.
Go to Church and see if they have a Senior Get Together.
Dad needs a friend.
Take him to get a haircut....remember if you look good it really does help you to feel better.
Both of you go together for a massage once a month.
Call his Insurance Co and see what they can offer.
He can probably have an Aide come 3 times a week to help him clean up.
My psychiatrist dad kept patients OUT of institutional care. A patient showed up for her appointment in a prom dress. I, with the wisdom of a 15 yo, snickered. He chastised me, saying that she may not be my definition of normal but she was a schizophrenic who stayed out of the mental hospital for the past 7 years and that was no small accomplishment.
IF your dad is depressed and IF that depression can be managed, your 64 year young dad can live independently (or with your family if you like each other).
Assisted living for 20-30 years vs potentially short term psychiatric help? When dad didn’t have a history of depression? I see red flags.
Do not agree to take him back in when a facility social worker promises it's just for a little while, until they can line up help, or whatever. Once he's in your home again, they will not help you at all. They just say that to get him off their caseload.
I hope you dont need to move him again so soon - since these episodes started about 6 years ago, there is likely a lot of unresolved grief and every loss stirs them all up.
Agreed that moving him back in with your family is not a good plan for you and your family...and you are responsible to and for them, first.
Would a fish tank, OR a cat be of interest? Something else alive in his room.
I struggle with similar issues with my mom, who is very happy to let me and my sister 'remind her" of everything. Keeps us running in and out 3-4 times/day, and cooking her dinner every night. She has a hired 'friend' who comes 2x/week for a shower, light housekeeping, laundry, and an outing or two.
Hoping you find a plan that supports him that involves more help than you and your family.
Talk to his social worker at the hospital. You can also call Adult Protective Services. Be honest about not being able to help him as much as he needs. They can give you ideas and access to resources.
He needs more care than you can provide so don't feel guilty about not taking him home. You know that you can't give him what he needs and it would be irresponsible to let anyone think you can do it. You need to take care of yourself and keep healthy boundaries or you won't be able to help anyone.
Depression is not the same as mentally incapable. I can tell you care about him and want to help him. It is terrifying when a loved one refuses to help themselves. Unless he has some kind of dementia, his medical care and daily self care, is his own responsibility. You have have no legal right or obligation to make his decisions unless you are his legal guardian (not the same as POA).
I'm in a similar situation with my mother. She promises to cooperate and as soon as she gets back home, it's the same behavior as before. She doesn't want to be in the hospital and also refuses to take care of herself, which sends her back to the hospital. Her medical care staff have told me repeatedly that it is her choice and we need to respect it even though we know she is hurting herself.
I have to remind her (and myself) that she is responsible for her choices and the consequences.