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She has been this way as long as I can remember. I started researching her symptoms a while back but along with her dementia she is really good at manipulating me. I lived alone and I don't have kids. She however didn't care much about me until she needs something. I feel used up. I am burned out. I lose my cool with her because of the constant questions about anything and everything and her not listening to my answers. She talks over me. Interrupts, manipulates and guilts. Insults. Taunts.


Meanwhile, I take her to the Drs. she's had cataract surgeries and God, just name it. There is so much more to this story and I fear for my health. I work and when I'm gone, I think she is fine.


I have been 'ON' for 24/7 for six months. No changes in sight. Thank you for listening.

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She can go on Medicaid or she can go to a women's shelter.

You said it all when you said she had no use for you, until she needed something from you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and just because you don't have children doesn't mean she can move in and take over your life.

Call the counsel of aging in your area and they can direct you to available services and aid.

Please do not let this person you call mom ruin your life, she has shown you over the last six months how it is and it will only get worse.
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Look up adult daycare centers in your area. Perhaps get her involved in a community itinerary of some sort, hobby.

She doesn't want answers to her questions. She wants to be heard, and you want to wind down from work.

You do not want to be bombarded with questions, and she really doesn't need answers.

ASk social services if there are any kinds of senior day care or activities in your area. Perhaps she can do something out of the house one or two days a week.

Maybe there is a volunteer group you can ask to come by a couple times a week while you are at work, perhaps your church or community library or park may have something?

Take her for a walk when you get home..???
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Your mom has dementia and she's alone during the day?
It's generally not considered safe for a person past the very early stages of dementia to be unsupervised.

What do you mean " she had no place to go"? Where was she living and what happened that she had to leave?

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a needs assessment. They will evaluate her needs and tell you what services she is eligible for. Perhaps she can get on a waiting list for low cost or Medicaid funded Assisted Living or Memory Care. And yes, Adult Day Care would provide her with much needed socialization.
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She had nowhere else to go.

Really? And if you didn't exist, where would she have gone then?

There is *always* somewhere else for people to go; the trouble is they may not like it. But that's different.

Let's start again: why did your mother need to move in with you? How old is she? And what are her formally diagnosed health issues?

By the way - feel better. It is normal and reasonable to feel sick with anger, frustration and anxiety when you have been this badly stressed for this long. Hugs to you.
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dear working caregiver,
I too have a mother who only cares for me when she needs something... never calls me or even show intrest in me or my husband unless she wants something.
she is in the hospital right now... and I have moved my parapaligic father in with me... Her house is horrid shes a hoarder... My dad has been neglected for years. I never really knew how bad until I started to clean him up.... I was so very upset he had gotten into the shape he was in... My mother and I have never been close and I have always been her beating post... growing up she always yelled at me and I was always made to do all the yard and kitchen work... I cooked well when I was 11.
I guess what I am saying is your not alone in feeling this way... and I struggle so hard and resent my mother and her treatment of me... I suffer from deppresion and anxity. she was on to me so hard one time I broke out in hives.... shes made me cook when I had a broken ankle.... and she treats both of my daughters like crap too...My brother does nothing for them not even calling them but maybe once or twice a year and he lives in the same town that we live in....
My sister lives about an hour away and she wont answer her telephone or come down to help take care of them....So it leaves all the care up to me and my husband... whom are the black sheep of the family. My mother has even told people that I am crazy because I take mental health meds... It is hard as heck to make myself care for her... and my poor dad he really catches it from her.... He is at her mercy as he cant drive and get away from her... I know when she comes home from the hospital she is going to be a hand full on top of caring for my father....
she is demanding, nasty, and talks over you and doesnt want to hear what your saying... she is dying ( she thinks no body has had pain like hers ) I have had three back surgeries and two bladder... and I know part of it was caused by liftting my dads wheel chair when I was nine...I had two back surgeries in april of last year... she didnt even come over to visit me when I got home from the hospital... she never made us food or even called me on the phone... my neighbor was better to me then my own mother....
I am sorry for ranting but it sounds like you and I have lots in common. I guess venting and talking to other people with the same problems helps..
Oh I forgot to mention I had to take leave from my job to care for them.... and one of my moms friends told me that it was easier for me to leave my job then for my sister or brother... She made it sound like my job just wasnt that important...I told mom and dad that what she said was very hurtful and I know it came from my mom. I am dreading the day mom gets out of the hospital....
we are trying to get mom and dads house livable. But I know without her getting mental health ( she would never do ) its pointless to clean... we did that once and it wasnt a month later and it was the same as before... its like spitting into the wind....
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Riverdale Apr 2019
Could you really try to do everything in your power to not have her come home from the hospital, and especially not home to you. Explain the conditions of her home to a social worker. Call APS and tell them all you have told here. Relay that your father is in danger in her care. You must refuse to bring her to your house. It would be better if you could eventually have your father placed where he can get the care he needs. Have they applied for Medicaid? Your mother is an extremely toxic person and you need to take back your life. It doesn't matter what other lame behaving family members say regarding this. They have been no help at all. It may seem difficult but she deserves nothing from you after years of abusive treatment. Please try to make attempts to have more control over your life.
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My heart goes out to you. Its hard enough taking care of a sweet, appreciative parent but when one is as disrespectful, rude and mean as your mother is to you, it can drive one insane.

You will be bitter, angry and resentful and it will only get worse over time. What if she lives another 20 years? Can you put your life on hold to take care of this mean selfish woman?

Please find help with your local senior service and have them direct your steps to get Mom on medicade and put her in a home. I know you will be frightened to do this, you will be abused and accused of abandoning her and many other things. You will guilty I am sure, but no one should have to live with this type of treatment. Saying prayers for you.
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I'd talk to my attorney. You may have provided her with a home for too long to kick her out without an eviction. Find out what the attorney says. It sounds like your mom is the ideal candidate for a state guardian. They will place her in a home of some sort on state assistance or with her own assets, and you can just visit her when you feel like it. You will be powerless to move her which is what you want - no amount of manipulation can enable you to move her.

It is very important that you do this with an attorney so you are not charge with abandoning an elderly person. I totally understand the hell you must be going through.
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Then move her where you won't be "on" anymore. The state can step in to care for her if she has not made you her POA. And then you can go get some much needed help for yourself.
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She is "sufferin" in a way, since dementia is a wasting away disease
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"No where else to go" What if you didn't exist, where would she have gone. It seems like this situation is not something you ( or anyone really) can live with. Consider taking care of yourself. Find a place for her to go. The advice to speak to an attorney us an excellent one. You need to be careful you don't run afoul of tne law. Contact your county (in USA) dept of aging for help. When you do move her to some place else, be prepared for the very nasty behaviour snd recriminations. Consider not visiting for some time until things cool down.
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My husband (2nd marriage of 5 years) and I are caring for his mother. She is in assisted living, but anyone knows, they are not always very caring.
What I want to say is, my mother in law is 90 years old, frail, dependant and needs us. It wasn't always like this.
He has told me stories of this adopted mom who from the time he moved into their home at 5 years old, beat him and his 4 other adopted brother and sisters, whenever she felt. From a can smashed on his head, to welt marks on his body, you name it, she was very abusive. She manipulated everyone. She was choir director at her church where everyone thought she was an angel. But when she got the kids home, she would fly off the handle.
Fast forward to his father dying 20 years ago, and making my husband promising to take care of mom. Which my husband made the promise.
To keep this promise, he had to set boundaries.
When he and his children visited, if mom started an argument, even after only 5 minutes, they would pack up and leave. One time she came after him with a newspaper to hit him, and he stoped her. If mom 'needs' you, she has to live by your rules. Either in your home, or if she goes home after the hospital. We all want to do what is right by the people who raised us. We all want to respect them. We are instructed biblically to 'obey' them. But as an adult there are now some equality. You should respect, but you don't have obey.
Set boundaries. You are not required to stand for abuse or manipulation though.
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cetude Apr 2019
Assisted living facilities do not provide higher levels of care. They will check up on the person and may help with medications.
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Consider the next time she is hospitalized, talk with the SW/CM there and FIRMLY tell them she has to be placed, that she cannot come back to live with you. And stick to that.

If a hospitalization looks to be too long down the road, does she have a declaration of incapacity, in which she is unable to make her decisions? Do you have POA? Visit some memory care assisted living facilities, and have her go there.

Remember, YOU have the control. If you LET her come back to your home, you are giving the control back to her; and you will continually be miserable. YOU can stop this cycle of abuse, and not allow her to live with you any longer. No amount of venting will give you the peace you deserve and need as much as living by yourself and no longer be on the receiving end of the abuse.
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Do you have siblings is there any other family of yours and hers around or at least in touch, anyone you can at least share some of the planning and reality burden with even if they can't or wont help physically? How is it that she came to live with you, was she deemed unable to live alone by a doctor or medical situation? In no way is this a negative directed at you, in fact just the opposite so please hear it that way when I say I was particularly struck by your statement's "I loose my cool with her" and "I fear for my health". They are both very self aware and honest statements you are sharing and I don't think they should be ignored. The simple fact is the reason (we know it's her) doesn't really matter, this living situation doesn't work and isn't healthy or safe for either of you, no one should feel driven from their home or dread going home every day and just because you love and care about someone doesn't mean you can live together. How many people would say "she is my best friend but I couldn't live with her" or "I could never live with my brother now" well the same can go for parents and children even without one already having personality disorders. Maybe we should feel guilt about forcing ourselves to live with a parent we know we shouldn't rather guilt about knowing we can't or forcing ourselves to do something we shouldn't. Now, that said I don't have enough info to come up with ideas about where to go from here for you. But my thoughts sure are with you!
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cetude Apr 2019
for most people, the care usually falls on one sibling and the rest do not lift a finger to help out. but you can bet when they die the siblings will be circling around like vultures for a piece of the estate.
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I do not know how old your mom is, but it sounds like she can still feed herself and use the toilet. I would consider assisted living facility...the older she gets the worse her care will become. I been caring for my mom over 20 years. Now I love my mom dearly but I also sacrificed my life for her. now she has end-stage Alzheimer's and dying and I doubt I will be able to cope since my life was so much a part of hers over the decades. Since you live alone and work..you do no want to call off sick due to family crisis or illness which will become more frequent as they get older and deteriorate -- you may find yourself without a job and those are not easy to come by these days.
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I think you should move your mother out of your home asap. She hasn't loved you, treated you well or appreciated you. Don't abandon yourself by letting her suck the life out of you. She's damaged you enough. You owe her nothing. It's time to protect yourself. If she's so great she should have people standing in line to take care of her.
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cherokeegrrl54 Apr 2019
Awesome answer Davina! Direct and to the point!! 💕
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I feel for you. I was in the same situation a few years ago and my mother lived with me for almost two years before I placed her in a nursing home. Best decision I ever made. When she lived with me she became increasing too much for me in every way. I aged ten years, not kidding. To make matters worse she "liked" my husband and he was always avoiding her. Too many stories none of them good. See if you can place her even in an assisted living situation, they are not as expensive as nursing homes and will take her if she is mobile. Good luck
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I have been caring for my mom who has Alzheimer’s for 2 years and it has been a roller coaster. Last year she started declining and the doctors tried medication used to slow down the process and calm her brain. She had awful side effects and I was at the end of my rope. I know what you are going through and would love to share what is really working for me. If you would like to chat let me know. Dawn
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I think you already know the answer to your question. Find another living situation for her. It’s not worth your sanity and you’ve self-identified as not being able to provide this type of care. You ARE NOT ALONE. I think some of us feel guilt because we played into the “Don’t EVER put me in one of ‘those’ places” promises with a parent. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Caring for someone with dementia isn’t a cakewalk. In the meantime, please try not to lose patience with her. Remember, it’s not your mom acting out, it’s the dementia. You are only getting mad at YOURSELF when you get angry. Good luck to you.
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susumaty1950 Apr 2019
Thank you!
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Appreciate the time you have with your mother. Mine ended too soon.
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Midkid58 Apr 2019
Jimbo--

Not everyone has the "blessing" of a lovable parent. This woman who is posting probably loves her mother, but the relationship is sinking and by the time mom dies, likely she won't even LIKE her, much less love her.
You were very lucky to have had a loving, good mom..
Read some of the other posts on here and telling these sad folks who had abusive parents to "appreciate" the time with them is like pouring salt in a wound.

Just think before you post, maybe. These people are trying to do their best...and guilting them doesn't help.

JMHO.
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You are not alone because many of us are in the same boat. Is your mother alone at home during the day while you work? If she is mobile, enroll her in an adult daycare program for activities. Just like choosing a nursing home, visit the site and ask lots of questions. Also, ask her doctor for a mood stabilizer. My husband has psychosis without Seroquel (quetiapine is the generic name). There are many others. They are wonderful.
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I for one decided I will burden my children. This is the reason why.
My father in law has lived with us for over 40 years. He was ok the
first 20 years, but these last 10 years have been hell. He is 89 years
old. The total interruptions he has put us through. So we have a nurse
come in the house 3 times a week to help not only him but us also. He
will not let us in his room to clean, dust, check up, and etc. He annoys
my husband with stupid questions, and will not stay in his area. We gave
him two bedrooms and he is slowly taking over the third. He thinks I have
not notice, but I have. He has his own bathroom, but must take his showers
in our bathroom because he doesn't have a walk in shower. He does not
believe any doctors and what they say. Like he has 2 hematomas on the brain.
Does not believe he has the early stage of dementia. Does not believe he
has glaucoma because he kept saiding the doctor was a tech not a doctor.
He has gone through cancer treatments and in remission for over 2 years.
The cancer treatments put his body through heck.
Now if you decide to take in a parent you put the burden on yourself.
My suggestion is to put them in a nursing home, I know that sounds mean,
but for someone who has worked in a nursing home. I know that great care
is taken, activies, food, and etc. is provided. My suggestion is do not
forget to visit them 2 times a month. Yes, they will throw guilt on you, but
you will have time for your family and spouse. I call it freedom, I
been waiting for time with my husband for years.
Bounties is not in my father in law book.
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Riley2166 Apr 2019
Excellent answer. People like this must NOT be allowed to stay in someone's home and create hell. It just simply is unacceptable. These people have to be controlled by someone else - not those at home whose lives are being destroyed. Get them out of the house - now!
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There’s no doubt about it. This is very difficult. I would suggest that you reach out to your mom’s primary care physician for advice on resources that may be available to you. Adult day care may be an option. She may be eligible for benefits that you are not aware of. Your local area on aging may have some advice/resources to suggest as well. I know that this requires more work for you to do but it is worth investigating. No one really knows or understands the situation except for those who have been there. Please do what is necessary to get more help so that you save some time for yourself.
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Sounds like my mom but my mom doesn’t have dementia.. my mom moved in with me but it only lasted 3 days. We didn’t get along very good all my life and mom would throw childhood tragedies in my face so we eventually had a yelling match and she wanted to leave so she did. I found her an adult family home and don’t know if I can mend the relationship with her as of now. I don’t care if I end up with inheritance in the end for the sake of my happiness it’s well worth not having her push me around. It expensive in my area, so I had to place her out of town but that’s also fine. I don’t answer her calls much especially on Friday and the weekends because she try’s to ruin my weekends with my husband. I got rid of mom. If you don’t want to get rid of mom then I suggest getting some kind of help in there so you can either go to counseling for yourself or just get some quality time. Your human and you need to focus on you. You made it before you had mom you can do it now. I don’t understand people taking in their parents. Maybe it’s fine if you got along in the past but these families that had disfunction in there families. It didn’t work back then why would it work now. There are many services out there that can lend a hand . People need to quit looking at how much they will end up with after there parents pass and get the help. It’s not good for either of you and if parents have dementia, Your the only one that’s not going to be healthy or happy in the end. Don’t try and take it on yourself pay a little for getting away and focusing on yourselves. And last but least counseling helps. You are all in my prayers for trying to live with your parents. I couldn’t do it and had no one in my family that would have taken care of her because they left her years ago because of the way my mom was. I’ll be broke but happy
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SicilianLady1 Apr 2019
A wonderful post, Denise. You did bring up a good point. I think that there are some children who know that their parents would not qualify for Medicaid and realize that if the parents' money is used for private pay, there will be little (if any) assets left to pass down to the children.
But I can tell everyone this:  It will usually be the daughter or possibly a daughter in law who will bear the physical burden of taking care of the parents (or parents in law).

If it is a daughter (most likely) she can destroy her health and her siblings will still want  to receive what they consider to be their equal share of the inheritance of the parents.
 I knew a friend of my grandmother'( both long since dead) who was allowed to finish high school but then she had to go to work to help put her brother through college and law school. Do you think that when her parents died, she got an extra amount of the parents inheritance to make up to her for the money her parents spent on her brother and she herself spent on her brother?  Do you think that her rich successful brother told her "I'm going to give you my share of  mom's and dad's small estate because you have had to work as a hairdresser while I was a lawyer?  Of course not!  Especially if there are other siblings around and especially if they refuse to do anything because "they're too busy" "they have to take their kids to soccer games", etc. , the sacrifices of the main caregiver will be trivialized to the point that  the other siblings will say that "well, you had access to mother's money, so you have been paid for what "little" you did.
Any post that you read on this site saying something like "your mother took care of you, now it is your time to take care of her" is usually written by a adult child (usually a son) who has no idea of the sacrifices that the main caregiver (usually his sister) is making. He would die if he had to change a diaper one time for the parents! And perhaps he is the one who wants the sister to keep doing what she does for free so that he himself will get a larger share of any remaining inheritance when the parents die.
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I hear stories like this all the time. It is sad but a true fact that sometimes our "elders" simply cannot live with other family members due to their personalities and behaviors and the way their presence impacts others. Sounds like this is one of the stories. She is NOT going to change - it will get worse - and YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS AND ENDANGER YOURSELF AND YOUR SANITY. Since she cannot be stopped to live "peaceably" with you, you haave to find a place to put her for her welfare and safety - and your peace. I have no idea of her finances but you must contact your local Office on Aging and other professionals for information. It simply cannot continue. Unless, and I doubt this would work, you can become so strong and so tough that the minute she misbehaves, you can instantly and firmly without any holding back, let her have it and force her to stop, she will continue - and then the guilt trips will start. She can obviously NOT be in your home. You need peace and a life - there has to be a separation.
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I forgot to say one thing in my post below. Once people get dementia or other physical problems and start behaving in nasty, mean, unacceptable and extremely demanding manners, then YOU MUST ACCEPT THEY HAVE TO BE REMOVED. I firmly believe, and say this from life's tough, hard experiences, there is no alternative - they will get worse with time, not better - and they won't stop their horrible behavior. As soon as someone's behavior gets abusive and ugly, it is time to cut the strings - no matter who they are or why. What gives them the right to treat people so badly? Nothing. So get them away from you before it is too late for you. Take care of yourself, be at peace, treat everyone kindly but when they abuse you - that is the end. Please, please listen - I wish I had learned this so much earlier. My life would not have been so difficult.
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I totally agree with other posters who have asked you, what would happen if you didn't exist or because you are so tired, nervous, or whatever that you have a car accident and are killed. There are other options. I recommend you follow all the other great suggestions to get your mother out of your house.

I firmly believe that the stress I was living under when my mother moved in with me and my husband led to me having cancer. I eventually left both of them. As I put it, I ran away from home.

I needed and got therapy for myself. I recommend that you get into some therapy. You might need to try out a few therapists before you find one that clicks with you. Don't give up if the first one or two don't fit. In my journey I had 3 different ones. Each one could help me with a particular part of my life.

((HUGS))

Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. We are a wonderful resource.
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Get some help so you have a break. It will be good for both of you.

If neither you nor Mom has money to hire help, jobshare with a friend so you can both take time off occasionally.
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My reply: YES TO ALL that you just stated. By the way, surveys indicate 75% of caregivers can pass away on this type of caregiving, probably all 24/7 caregiving!!
I am continuing with my 93 y.o. Mom who has advanced Dem/Alzh. She also has 3rd stage kidney disease. If she were to have to start dialysis, chances are she would be too weak to do dialysis at a lengthy time. She is still physically good though if it were not for Dem.
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Has your mom been officially diagnosed with a mental illness? If so, call your local community mental health and get her set up with case management etc. They will work with her and possibly get her into a foster care home that meets her needs. Having a parent with chronic mental illness that sounds like it's not being treated, can and is bad for your health, more so then just caring for an elderly parent. Please seek mental health services now. I worked geriactrics, chronic mentally ill, case management for 25 yrs. You need help now. Don't wait. It's not only bad for your health, but could be dangerous. Borderline personality, is one of the hardest diagnosis to work with, let alone live with. They will push you and, possibly too far. Again, please seek help now.
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Here's a hug and prayers for you everyday.🙏🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗🤗🤗
I experience much of the same from my mother. Unlike you, I get relief since she is no longer in my home. My siblings participate and we moved mom back to her house. We go there to take care of her. But now she needs 24/7 care. I am single and live alone too and my siblings have their own families. To some this sounds horrible but I can't have my mother back in my home. I won't get any rest or break. Sounds selfish and I understand how you feel. We really want to help and not see our parents homeless. I feel guilty lots of times because I hate and resent doing this job. It's seems weird to feel this way about "mom". But good that you recognize your feelings. I hope for you to find some place in your home, with a friend, or some place for you to run. Some way for you to regroup from insanity. Even if it's only to go to your room, shut the door, close your eyes and escape.............😁✈️🤗🙏
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nymima Apr 2019
You do NOT sound selfish at all!
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