My mother is almost unable to walk and having cognitive issues and my father has dementia and falls often. I have 3 children and a husband. We just bought our first house. My older brother who has been living with them for 2 years has decided he can't deal with them anymore and is moving out leaving them alone. He is 63, I am 45. They are unable to care for themselves, my father can no longer drive. I used to live 5 minutes away from them and now since my brother assured me he would take care of them, we have moved 3 hours away. My mother does not want to move here with me and my family, she does not want to let go of her independence and her home. When I think I have convinced her to she changes her mind over and over again.
There is no other way, my other brother died 5 years ago from cancer and has caused her severe depression and cognitive decline that is rapid. She can no longer prepare meals, or set up my dads pills in the pill box. I have no other relatives that can help me or are even alive. What's worse is they don't speak English very well, my mother is very hard of hearing, my father has heart problems and suffers from vertigo. They are very stubborn and determined to do things for themselves but can't. I know this will be a life changing event for my husband and I. They can't afford a senior living facility or any kind of care. My husband is very understanding and positive, I am deeply concerned and worried for them.
I know it is my responsibility to care for them but I also know it is going to be very difficult for all of us to adapt to this change. Can anyone give me some advice? I have started to prepare a room for them in my home, it is my younger daughters room she is moving into a room upstairs for now until we can afford to maybe extend our home and build an add on for them. They refuse to write a will or talk about what their last wishes are, I don't have any type of power of attorney or any guardianship or anything to help them due to their refusal. I love them to death and respect them. Any advice would help and would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
ELDERLY PARENTS ARE NOT MOVING IN!!!
NOT
NOT moving in.....
This can happen when your parents get older and set in their ways. When they EXPECT you give into their demands simply because they are your parents. If they are living in your house, this will become an impossible situation for you.
Please rethink taking them in. Talk to your brother and come up with a more feasible plan. My MIL became so impossible to deal with we had to have her placed. She was as mad as a hornet, but it was the only thing that worked. Talk to your brother.
My question is - what does one do when it is a husband and not a parent?
For some reason, it seems to be so much more difficult to tell a spouse they need to move in to some type of a facility - while the well spouse continues to live in the family home and tries to make a normal life for them self.
After so many years, it has just gotten too hard and I'm too angry to go on much longer. I've seen my years slip away to the point I don't know what normal is anymore.
what I would suggest and is a better solution for everyone is to Contact the local agency for aging near your parents home. They will send out a nurse to assess your parents needs and make arrangements for them. You and or your brother will need to be present during the assessments. The agency for aging specifically provide services for those who fall within a specific financial level. Sounds like you parents will qualify as my husbands parents did. They will provide in home care and if they need more care they will arrange for that and also honor your parents wishes. my husbands parents no longer qualify because we have done such a good job of managing their finances :( Good luck from a very exhausted husband and wife who are still providing care.
🤸🏼♂️💃🕺
Even though we moved mom to a Memory Care place, where all the hands-on care is provided, all the rest still falls on my plate. Managing finances (we put her funds and house sale money into a trust for her), paying her bills, managing meds and OTC supplies, setting up appointments and taking her there (recently had to stop being the transport - she refuses to stand/walk and I can't support her weight!), keeping track of it all and taking all calls/emails from the facility about whatever has happened recently is almost like having a full-time job sometimes! There is a lot more involved than just having them nearby and providing food, laundry, etc. A LOT more. I cannot even imagine how much harder this all would have been if she were living with me (BTW, I have a 20+ yo cat who has developed what is essentially kitty dementia - cats sleep 16+ hours a day and those times that she gets agitated, looping from bench to table to monitor table to my lap, to her chair, often stumbling/nearly falling and/or knocking things over/down, and repeat, or staring at the wall, door or litter box and yowling drives me nuts! Most mid-stage with dementia don't sleep as much as cats (maybe later), so it would be MUCH worse, going on most of the day!!! Although she still uses the litter box regularly, sometimes her butt isn't quite inside, so yes, I have to clean up aisle 2 as well!!!)
I have often commented that if I was still working when all this happened (and continues - she's 96 going on 2), despite being "single" with no kids to care for it would have been even more overwhelming! It was yet another reason I was thankful they laid me off!
I do hope you can find a good EC atty to assist you who can discuss options with you. Take care of you and your family so that you can advocate for and visit with mom and dad for many years to come!
Mary13 has changed her mind about her parents moving in with her.
She said this in response to disgustedtoo on Dec 20, 2019
We have not heard anything beyond that.
Legal paperwork for your Parents- DPOA , Trust. a necessity..., eventually I had the experience of obtaining guardianship- (my mom still doesnt know)
Your parents should be involved make as many decisions as possible with guidance of professionals
Professionals (doctors, social workers, assistant living individuals) will assist with help with your one - BUT you have to let go...and your parents will look up to the professionals and listen to them more than yourself- devastating yes-but reality does hurt -oh boy does it ever..
Find an assistant living for the both of them, or have
your brother find a place, that is suitable-
Extremely HARD yes & emotional- Do want to do this.... NO... but think of what is best for them not what 'you' think should be done - it is a roller coaster.... day by day.......some hour by hour..
and there certainly is not any book to teach us what to do with our loved ones...its heart breaking....
Replied 5 minutes ago
68 answers
My elderly parents are moving in with me in March of 2020. What can I do now to prepare? They are 90 and 91.
"Message found In the response thread from Rocketcat."
I can't even find this answer from Lvnsm1826 on her own profile page. This reply thing is getting really annoying.
Louie body dementia, does a number on a family. The part that is the worst is I cannot leave her alone, because she will fall. I must bring her everywhere I go, and watch her constantly on s baby monitor. This means if I’m invited to whatever I cannot go, doctors appointments must be on a day my husband is home.
So so if you are prepared to hand over your life go for it.
I praise you that you are ready to "rise to the occasion," but I fear for your sanity and your marriage. The best advice you can get is from your brother who took care of them for 2 years.
This is a huge step. You are young with a young family. Both your parents sound as if they will require a great deal of assistance and supervision. At the very least, you need in-house help coming in which may be converted by Medicare. But assisted living or a nursing home may be more appropriate. I won’t lie and say this, too, won’t be an adjustment and time-consuming. But I would really think Scott making my family move out of their rooms AND share personal space with your parents.
i speak from experience... but I shared a home with my parents for 20 years. We all have our own personal space and have had for years. My mom passed several years ago. My dad lives at home but requires supervision as he falls. His health habits are gross, he does not stay on a routine, he has become increasingly dependent on us as he can’t drive and has mobility issues. He’s unhappy, we’re stressed, and I think we both feel stuck... and we shared a household for many years.
i would thoroughly research options. You sound like a responsible daughter. However, taking in all the caregiving is something that you really need to discuss with an agency or counselor versed in giving care to the elderly.
https://www.elderlawanswers.com/how-to-prepare-when-elderly-parents-move-in-with-adult-children-5446https://www.elderlawanswers.com/how-to-prepare-when-elderly-parents-move-in-with-adult-children-5446https://www.elderlawanswers.com/how-to-prepare-when-elderly-parents-move-in-with-adult-children-5446
love of one's parents does not trump all and solve everything. You can not go into,this thinking that if you just fix up your home and provide a bedroom for them things wills work out.
my dad moved into a facility near me, first IL, then AL, and now LTC. I was retired, no children at home, and it was still hard and stressful as things went south.
add the fact that you are a young mom with kids at home and possibly working?? You’ve not a clue what life is going to be like and my dear, it WILL all fall on you. This is called the "sandwich generation". Rethink this and find other options. You are responsible TO but not FOR your parents. That is the bottom line. Pull off the blinders and make different plans.
If, indeed, they do move in you will need help. At the very least carve out some respite time for you once a week. You will burn out quickly. Find volunteers or find a way to pay a caregiver to come in so you can a break. As much as you love them you will need it.
Seek our caregiver support groups or agencies that can help you through this.
Bless you for what you are about to do. It’s going to be tough. It’s going to take a village.
I don’t mean to sound heartless. I speak from experience and I loved my folks so much.
Good luck and accept any help anyone can give you!
Regardless of whether your parents get their paperwork in order, there is way too much other complicated situations going on here for you to consider moving your elderly parents into your home.
Your household would be irrevocably damaged if you took them in. They need waaay too much care.
Your poor brother is burnt out and this should be a huge signal to you that this is not doable.
You will figure out how to help them without ruining your marriage or your relationship with your children.