I have now been here for 17 days and she is still with us. She was living at home up until she was admitted to hospital on August 10 for vomiting and pain. She had a colostomy surgery in June and I returned to Canada to help with that and stayed for 4 weeks. I went back to the US on July 17..and on August 12 got a call from my brother that she was back in the hospital and had been given 2-5 days to live. The month that I had spent with her and my other family members was amazing. My gramma got to meet my son for the first time (because of Covid she hadn’t met him) who was 9 months old and it was so amazing to watch they together. They immediately shared a bond just like I have with her. Everyone in my family said that she only wanted to colostomy surgery so she could hold on until she could meet my son and see me again. She had known I was planning to visit prior to her finding out that she needed the colostomy surgery. Also- sorry I feel like this post is all over the place because I'm crying as I type this and my thoughts are scattered. So basically they told us she had 2-5 days to live so my husband and I got ourselves organized and left the country the next morning and drove up here. So now my husband left 9 days ago to go back to work/ and I couldn’t bring myself to leave. So I’ve now been here 17 days and I just exist here until my baby wakes up from his nap and I can drive into town to see her. Because I don’t live here anymore I have no job no friends nothing to distract me. If it wasn’t for my baby I would have lost my mind by now. I have been really struggling mentally with anticipatory grief, and also being alone here in my grammas house. I have decided for my own mental health I need to go home- but the guilt is immense. I wanted to be here with her when she passes…or at least if I wasn’t there when she passed away I wanted to be able to drive 25 mins to the hospital to see her. But I also cannot afford to be off work any longer. I’m also dealing with my mother who is a narcissist and is here every other week. She tells me everyone grieves differently which is totally understandable- but she has asked me every other day why I am still here, and has said things like “life goes on” and is packing my grammas things up already and I feel really alone and very misunderstood by her and my brother- who lives 2 hours away and hasn’t been here more then 24 hours since my gramma was admitted.
My gramma has been like a mom to me - so this feels like I am losing a parent. My gramma is the person who understands me the most. Because my husband left with our car, and there are no remotely reasonable one way tickets home- I am getting dropped off at the US border and my father is meeting me there and we will drive together back to Wisconsin. I am scheduled to meet him on Friday morning. The knowledge that tomorrow is my last day with my gramma is incomprehensible to me. I guess what I’m asking everyone here is- how do I reconcile with my decision to go back home? What can I tell myself to comfort myself knowing that when she passes I won’t be here? And am I making the right decision to return home to my husband and job vs running out of money to stay here to be with my grams in her final days? I’m sorry that was so long but it feels good to get it all out. Thank you
It sounds to me as though your mother has probably lived through ‘end of life’ at least once before, and knows how much work and worry is involved. It’s so different for you, the first time. Yes you “feel really alone and very misunderstood”, but you may also be misunderstanding your mother. If your mother has been heavily involved in grandmother’s care, she may be feeling a bit of relief that you can’t relate to at all. Stay together with her, and just know that it’s different, not bad or unfeeling. Have courage! Margaret
The 2-5 day prediction, nearly three weeks ago, was clearly wide of the mark. Presumably there has been a review of your grandmother's condition since then. Is she still in the hospital? What is her medical team saying?
My dad was hospitalized, told he was actively dying, made all the phone calls, etc. A week later he is up and getting rehabilitation. He lived another 3 years.
I want you to be aware, some times people leaving this life want to do it on their terms. Some want a room full of people, others want to know the ones being left behind are settled in their lives and some want to be completely alone to save their loved ones the last image of them being a dead body.
If you can communicate with grandma tell her how torn you are about leaving and that your heart will be with her. She's lived a long time and seen more then you can imagine, she will understand.
I am so sorry that you are losing your grandma and having to make this difficulty choice. Death is difficult for those left behind.