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Take hubby’s credit card & some cash $$$ & go on a 2 week cruise 🚢. Just text him when you’re on boat.. that you’re away on vacation & see you soon...then when you return, you can make plans to leave & get your own apartment. I would NEVER put up with that treatment from a spouse! He should be ashamed of himself. Hugs 🤗
So it looks from your message below that she is already in your home, and your home quite transformed? I cannot know your financial situation, but do remember half the family assets are yours. I would consider seeing a trial lawyer for at least legal separation, and would be looking for an apartment. Do you work? Are you able to support yourself? I see some marriages now holding together just because separation cannot be afforded. But for me, were I able to afford it, I would leave. At the least, keep yourself separated from the care, consider building or moving in a tiny house in the back of the yard, take up lots of hobbies and move mind and body away from it all as much as you are able. The caregivers will allow for that. The rest of the care is on him, when they are not there. You don't mention your own ages; I don't know if you are retired or not. This would normally be a time for you to be with one another. He has decided not. Life is full of choices, options, and it all must be weighed and measured. You are with a man who could not care less what you think about something; to him your opinion doesn't count. OR there are things we don't know. A destitute Mom he cannot see in a nursing home. I can't know. It is best you take some time to think all of this out. For yourself. Whatever works best for you out of a bunch of bad options I sure support.
He chose his mother. I am truly sorry. No-one else will change this situation for you. If you want change, it will have to be you. Start planning the rest of your life. Strength to you.
It is his 90 year old mother.It all started 3 years when she was living alone in her house and had to go to the hospital and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and and supposesly only had 6 months to live so she went to live with youngest daughter..she was even on hospice but improved..3 years later the daughter couldn't take her behavior anymore and said she going to look for apartment.meeting was called where it was decided without me knowing because I worked that day.I had forgot they met until husband said they were pricing stair lift..she isn't to go upstairs.it cost too much ..so he instead put shower in living room.moved dining table and chairs in basement.moved her bed ers.plus oxygen machine and she been here a month..when I asked why the ddecision was made without me he said he knew I didn't support the decision.and when I said we need a break sometime.he is punishing me because I don't support the decision.as far as car goes he cooks,gives the medicine to her and 2 care workers come 5 days a week.the stress actually got me sick.and it's like I am alone.she can dress herself.feed herself and bath herself.she has a portable toilet in her room.Next week is our anniversary but from the way he is acting toward me , I know it will be just another day.
That behavior would not be acceptable to me and since he has no inclination to change it, I would start planning my move. His attitude shows a total lack of respect of you.
Leave for now, if he ever decides to change, you may consider moving back, that is your choice.
Somewhere, I would be furious too, but I think the first thing I'd ask him is how HE plans to care for her or him, given his schedule (whatever it is). Is he still working? Have you told him yet that you're not available and won't take care of your in-law?
I'm assuming that you couldn't attend the meeting b/c you weren't invited. Is that correct?
You can also sweetly inquire how his sisters plan to help, since you won't be as you weren't consulted.
Is this a pattern with him, making decisions that affect you w/o your participation or consent? If so, how have you handled it in the past?
I recall a similar situation sometime ago; I believe the woman lived in Florida; the MIL or FIL was brought to their house by the husband, against his wife's will, but she was expected to fit caring into her already busy schedule.
If I recall correctly, some of us here urged her to leave and take a vacation when the situation became difficult, and she did! So, where would you like to vacation while hubby and his sisters work out the situation?
I really don’t think your husband thought this through. I don’t think he thought about it at all. Well no I take that back. My money says he thinks you’ll do all the work! In situations like this, it is hard for the children to think with their heads and not with their hearts. Not exactly the same situation but my SIL almost brought my FIL home to her house when he clearly needed 24-7 skilled care. He had a chest tube, catheter, and a feeding tube and was totally bedbound. She thought Medi-cal would pay for 8 hours of homecare a day while she was at work and that’s as far as she thought it through. She did not stop to think about who would take care of him the remaining 16 hours a day and all weekend. Clearly she was thinking with her heart, not with her head. I think some people just don’t think things through and some people-like me-think things through and then some! Anyway you need to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk. First and foremost he made a huge life changing decision without even talking to you! Tell him what he did and why it’s not OK. I’m telling you, men don’t think and he probably has no idea what he did here so be blunt with him. And then get him to think this through. Ask him who is going to take care of FIL/MIL hands on? Who is going to do the bathing? Who is going to clean up the blowouts? Prepare all the meals & serve them? Who’s going to take him/her to the doctor? Manage the meds? What if you want to go out of town for a few days? Guess what? Now you can’t unless one of your SILs takes over. What if your husband gets sick? Does he then expect you to take care of him and his parent? Bring up the financials too. Will the parent contribute to the household? Do they have the money to pay for a caregiver? Ask your husband if he realizes there will be no more privacy? No spontaneity. Your lives will be taken over by an elderly aging parent. Your lives will revolve around them.
This is a terrible situation and I am so sorry! If my husband pulled something like this, we would absolutely be talking divorce. It would be me or the parent. Can’t have both under the same roof. It would never work and we end up divorced regardless. It is just not OK to make this kind of life altering decision without consulting your spouse. That’s what angers me for you. That he would make such a huge decision and not allow you to have a say in it!!
Actually, thinking more about your situation & looking back I think my own Mother faced something like this...
Her MIL (Gran), broke her hip & could not go home alone. Would NOT go into a care home. My Dad & sisters could not leave their own families to move in with her. The sisters each set their boundaries & none volunteered their house or time as a fulltime caregiver. My Dad, being a lovely caring man wanted to make his Mum happy & floated the idea of moving her in with our family. Us kids would bunk in together & all share the ONE toilet & bathroom (was not aged friendly bathroom). My Mum said NO. Asking just who would be doing the care, the meal prep, meds, toileting etc while Dad was at work (still full-time)? He didn't mean to bulldoze her wishes/life but just hadn't thought it through... He may have been bullied by his sisters too?? His sisters all voted for AL but he just didn't want that for his Mum. Was thinking with his heart, but not his head.
I tell you this story in case it is similar here? Is your DH being bullied by his sisters? You may benefit from non-family input via a social worker. (I think my Dad may have approached his church leader for advice).
By the way, Gran was shared around all her daughters (not our house as Mum's no was final). Moved every 3 months. Gran hated it. AL was the only reasonable option left. Gran make a little home of her room & made the best of it.
I think my Dad still felt guilty but the AL chosen was closest to him & he visited the most & was her 'go to' guy for all appointments & everything else.
No wonder you are furious. Your husband has absolutely no clue (or doesn't want to know) what it actually takes to look after a 90 year old. The only thing I would say to him right now is: "Just to be clear, YOU will be caring for her, not me. I will be doing nothing for your mother, just so we're clear". If he is a rational man and has not considered this possibility - it might make him reconsider. If he goes ballistic you know you have a problem and he has a personality disorder of some kind, or as another poster suggested, is living in the 1900's.
So he is prepared to sign the divorce papers and hand all the marital assets over to you, too, then? Because that's what he'll probably be facing by making such a decision without consulting you.
Which we all know will never happen in a million years, right? Even if the bonehead DID every single thing for the elder including toileting, the invasion of privacy and astronomical burden she's facing is unacceptable
What???!!! Wait a minute. He made this decision all on his own without even consulting you? Wow. My husband tried to do that to me years ago when he told his parents that when they passed we would take care of his mentally challenged sister. I had an epic anger meltdown and he thought better of it.
Calmly take your husband aside and explain to him that this is not 1900. Women are no longer subservient to their husbands. Why, we can even actually vote now! You and he will discuss this decision, set ground rules and decide on an escape hatch if it doesn’t work out. If he dumps all the caregiving work on you, explain to him that you will then be making arrangements for a facility.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Hugs 🤗
Who is paying for the care workers? Her care needs are only going to increase. Does she have the money to pay for a facility?
I am so sorry for you. Your husband is a selfish boor! Please do consider how you will create an independent life from him (separation, divorce).
Leave for now, if he ever decides to change, you may consider moving back, that is your choice.
I'm assuming that you couldn't attend the meeting b/c you weren't invited. Is that correct?
You can also sweetly inquire how his sisters plan to help, since you won't be as you weren't consulted.
Is this a pattern with him, making decisions that affect you w/o your participation or consent? If so, how have you handled it in the past?
I recall a similar situation sometime ago; I believe the woman lived in Florida; the MIL or FIL was brought to their house by the husband, against his wife's will, but she was expected to fit caring into her already busy schedule.
If I recall correctly, some of us here urged her to leave and take a vacation when the situation became difficult, and she did! So, where would you like to vacation while hubby and his sisters work out the situation?
This is a terrible situation and I am so sorry! If my husband pulled something like this, we would absolutely be talking divorce. It would be me or the parent. Can’t have both under the same roof. It would never work and we end up divorced regardless. It is just not OK to make this kind of life altering decision without consulting your spouse. That’s what angers me for you. That he would make such a huge decision and not allow you to have a say in it!!
Her MIL (Gran), broke her hip & could not go home alone. Would NOT go into a care home. My Dad & sisters could not leave their own families to move in with her. The sisters each set their boundaries & none volunteered their house or time as a fulltime caregiver. My Dad, being a lovely caring man wanted to make his Mum happy & floated the idea of moving her in with our family. Us kids would bunk in together & all share the ONE toilet & bathroom (was not aged friendly bathroom). My Mum said NO. Asking just who would be doing the care, the meal prep, meds, toileting etc while Dad was at work (still full-time)? He didn't mean to bulldoze her wishes/life but just hadn't thought it through... He may have been bullied by his sisters too?? His sisters all voted for AL but he just didn't want that for his Mum. Was thinking with his heart, but not his head.
I tell you this story in case it is similar here? Is your DH being bullied by his sisters? You may benefit from non-family input via a social worker. (I think my Dad may have approached his church leader for advice).
By the way, Gran was shared around all her daughters (not our house as Mum's no was final). Moved every 3 months. Gran hated it. AL was the only reasonable option left. Gran make a little home of her room & made the best of it.
I think my Dad still felt guilty but the AL chosen was closest to him & he visited the most & was her 'go to' guy for all appointments & everything else.
Maybe your DH could do this?
Please do what you have to, to stay safe & not bullied by your DH & his family. Seek counseling asap.
My DH would have never done this without discussing it with me.
Calmly take your husband aside and explain to him that this is not 1900. Women are no longer subservient to their husbands. Why, we can even actually vote now! You and he will discuss this decision, set ground rules and decide on an escape hatch if it doesn’t work out. If he dumps all the caregiving work on you, explain to him that you will then be making arrangements for a facility.