foxxmolder Asked July 2019
My husband is overwhelmed with health issues of his own...he is in his 70's. Mom still expects him to do everything. Any advice?
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His mom still expects him to do everything in her house when he doesn't even take care of things in our own house... we hire outside help. She will NOT let ANYONE else in her home to help her, what should we do? The situation is getting out of hand and my husband's health is at risk. I have never gotten along with her so it is impossible for me to talk to her. Please help.
(This question is being asked by a wonderful friend that has not yet decided to join this group, I hope everyone out there can give her wonderful suggestions and bring her along to join us and she can get some support like I have;)
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It is difficult but it is a must if it is effecting your husbands health.
What would her options be if he dropped dead? Maybe a family friend could help her understand that she looses everything if something happens to him, so he should be handled with care.
Time for you to step up to the plate since he won't. You need to tell her that at 70 your husband is a Senior too. As such he is slowing down. He can't do what he did 10 yrs ago. He, like her, is aging to. And if there is a health problem with him, tell her. Tell her u don't want to lose him because he is caring for two households. She needs to pay help. But, if your husband is like mine, he won't appreciate u saying anything. So, drop a hint every so often.
This is coming from an almost 70 yr old married to a 72 yr old who is just realizing his limits.
My hubby and his mom also started down this same route about 10-15 years ago. In the end, I was the one handling both of their affairs. Mom in law has passed now (she made it to 97), and hubby is now completely reliant on my caregiving. It will all work out in the end if you stay in the background and just offer help when they ask. Good Luck.
you and your husband (you know this means you, right) just have to start saying no
When WE started hiring outside help for our home & he would do the same things at their home, I put my foot down. Frankly, I didn’t care what they or anyone else thought. Him doing those chores for them when he was paying someone else to do them at our home affected us in many different ways.
Suddenly, I was back to being “that witch”, ungrateful (for what?), and worse. Forget all that I did in the previous 10 years — I guess it was expected. Anyway, hubs was now on his own with helping them, which made him realize he couldn’t do it all. He had to say no. His compromise was to arrange for help and be there when the work was being done. MIL did try saying they didn’t have the money, blah blah blah. Hubs response was if they couldn’t afford to stay in that home, then time to downsize. Suddenly they found it.
I couldn't change them; I could only change my reaction. Hubs couldn’t find the strength to change himself until circumstances changed. MIL & 2 SILs (FIL has since passed away) now are totally feeling the brunt of me no longer helping. I, meanwhile, feel like I have been liberated. People are commenting how relaxed we both are.
When she needed something done, she would say, we’ll get the boys to do it. I would say “ The BOYS are all in their 60’s and have heart problems”!!
Three of them have since died, including the one she had digging a grave for her beloved dog after it died. He was on a heart transplant list within a couple of years of then and knew he was doing something foolish at the time.
She is 92 now and my husband and one other are the only two she still sees on a regular basis. All of them have heart and other health issues. Four can’t or shouldn’t drive. So imagine, in her mind she had the equivalent of 10 sons and None are able to do manual chores for her anymore. They would have never turned her down. She would never see them as anything but able. I just took it over.
Have your husband take his “helper” or his “friend” with him and get the chores done. Tell mom he needs money for “parts” and get it done. If the “parts” are too expensive she can look elsewhere for help. He will be amazed at how easy it will be once he decides he can no longer do the chores alone. She probably does need him there to direct the work. Good luck.
great advice
For 50+ years, every home repair and modification was a clumsy, 2-or-3 generation DIY job.
A qualified plumber/HVAC/electrician/roofer/general contractor never set foot on my in-laws’ property. My in-laws never had a door/window/appliance delivered and/or installed.
Nope. That’s what adult sons are for.
It transcended poor-mouthing. Moaning and groaning about money was just the ruse.
My in-laws’ prime directive was The Attention Show.
MIL & FIL had 3 grown sons who lived within 10 miles of them. (The Golden Child - son #4 - lived at home his entire adult life and was exempt from any sort of contribution.)
The predictable pattern: Spin the chore wheel. Start working the phone. Pit “the boys” against each other.
If Target #1 said no, it was inevitably his wife’s/girlfriend’s fault. (No matter what the real reason was. Up to and including being out of town.)
Call Target #2 with the job request + a verbal smear of Target #1 and his entire household.
If Target #2 didn’t deliver, Target #3 got the “you’re my last hope” shtick. Buttered up with unflattering tales about how #1 & #2 had the audacity to coach his kids’ soccer team... or take a vacation... or have a Crohn’s disease flare-up.... or be up to his armpits in his own home maintenance. Masterminded by #1’s & #2’s dreadful women. Always.
When we were younger, it was “just” MIL’s & FIL’s annoying tic. Time went by. We got older. We gained perspective.
And we all decided [in our own individual ways] that this contest was not worth winning.
After the a decade - then 2 decades - it became impossible to ignore how infrequently the phone rang to congratulate a grandkid on a good report card. Or ask how our grueling jobs were going. Or offer help/support after a surgery. Or invite us to do something - anything - with them that did not involve a ladder and a toolbox.
MIL & FIL were incapable of recognizing what they created. Where were the warm fuzzies they saw on TV? And heard about from their peers (who got off their duffs and attended a grandkid’s hockey game or high school/college graduation once in a while)??
Return on investment, geniuses. Treat your offspring as unpaid staff, and they’ll eventually respond with “take this job and shove it.”
Worth noting: The love was always there. We’re not ogres.
But MIL & FIL lacked the emotional generosity to sustain dynamic, rewarding relationships. And all the toilet installations and drywall projects in the world couldn’t fix that.
He needs to say 'NO' to her when she asks but that is probably another issue - she has him where she wants him - but he needs to realize if he goes down sick/hurt she will alone so by him agreeing to these demands, at the detriment of his own welfare, then he is not acting in either his or her best interest
Yesterday they had a BBQ at her place. She has little/no hearing, so I use a Boogie Board (LCD screen) for communication that can't be lip read or pantomimed. In the sleeve, I found 4 lollys... Asked her who those are for and she replied "my kids, if they are around." Ummm, your kids??? I pointed to myself and she just asked if my kids were around. So I realized I am in some kind of alternate universe now, where my adult and child selves can co-exist!
Maybe I can trade places with my child self (but retain the wisdom gathered over the years) and get a do-over!!!! :-)
Why I asked is because my Mom was still asking Dad to fix things around the house. He could fix anything, but once he was in his 80's, his balance and eye-sight made it difficult for him. Poor Dad, Mom was nagging him.
Anyway, many years ago my parents had a painter who they would trust big time. Even gave him the keys to the house if they weren't home so he could paint. So what I did was call the painter and ask for recommendation for a plumber, electrician, etc.
Well, being the trademen were recommended by the painter, all was ok with the world. The electrician was great, my parents really liked him. Same with the other tradesmen.
Your friend may need to use "therapeutic fibs" to get Mom-in-law to call a tradesman by saying so-and-so highly recommended this person, even if they didn't.
As to why your friend's Mom-in-law is doing what she is doing is because she doesn't see her son as being a senior citizen, except she still sees him as being a young 30 year old who could fix anything. That is what happened to my Dad, as Mom still thought he could leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Once that is ironed out, he will need to bring the help over (not send them over without his presence) - he is to stay hands-off, direct only, supervise, but NO doing the work. If need be, keep her "occupied" or take her out while the work is done. In addition, he'll have to come up with a way to get mom to pay for the work done. You only say that the friend's MIL won't let anyone into her home, so if HE brings them would that work? There is no mention of whether there is payment for any work done by hubby. That would be another hurdle to get over. If she generally pays him, he can just give it to the hired help. If she expects it for free, sorry mom, we're on fixed income, cannot afford to buy the materials!
MIL needs to understand (once HUBBY understands) that he cannot continue to do this kind of work at his age and physical condition and if she refuses, she either gets no work done on the place OR she moves to a place where the structure is cared for by others (55+ condos, apartments, AL, etc.)
She won't like it, but she will get used to it. And the only way she will get used to it is for him to stick to the plan.
Sometimes when I tell Mother NO, she says, "I know you hate me." But I stick to my guns. Otherwise, she will think she can guilt me. I'm the mommy now. 😂
keep him from going over there fixing things.
Good luck
If he won't say no, your conversation needs to be with him (not her). If you cannot convince him to say no - based on his health and the fact he doesn't even do things around his own house - then this might be something that will continue until he realizes on his own that he is incapable of doing so.
If it's something small that needs to be done, set aside your own animosity with her and go do it yourself and tell her you came because he's not well. Maybe if she sees others can do certain tasks the door might open to allow others in her house.
The person/s providing help get a say in how it is provided (unless paid employees).
Time for a sit-down chat. Gently spell that out. Mum let's talk about helping us ALL here.
This is your life, not a war... but your life has been invaded. Time for negotiations. If they fail, time for barriers. Big & often NO. Saying no often breaks down the wall of 'family only' and outside help has to be accepted. I call the last battle 'accept help or move' to a nursing home - your choice. (I write from the battlefield today...)
Hard to say no to a little old 90+ year old? You betcha! But it will help them ALL in the long run. Otherwise, he burns out/gets ill. Is DIL going to step into his boots & go fix her house?? As a widow... Nope.