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Since my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 5 years ago his aging siblings, especially 2 brothers, and his daughter tried to take my custody and financial rights away. Their accusations were deemed false. My husband died this January and I received no condolences, of any kind, from the huge family.



My attorney advised me to not have any contact with my husbands family after his death, due to their abusive behavior. He also said I no longer had any legal obligation to them.



I just received a letter from the main bully of the family. He stated that he was speaking for all of the siblings and extended family. He wants my husbands urn to be placed in a cemetery 2 hours away where many of their family members are buried, including my husbands parents. He said they have room for one more urn (no mention of a place for me to be buried by my husband). He said if I refuse to consider their request, they want to be notified of where he will be buried.



I have no plans of burying his urn, at this time. They are Catholics and my husband wasn’t a practicing catholic. These are not the wishes of my husband or me. They seem to think they had ownership of my husband when he was alive..and now in death. I want to put all of this behind me. I’d appreciate your input so much!

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Do not answer ANY communications from this family in ANY way would be my advice. You are under no obligation to do so.
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czechchick Jun 2023
Thank you! I will not respond. I have a hunch they won’t let this issue lay.
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Meh. The room for 'one more'? You're well rid of them. Your attorney's advice is sound. I'd not open the door for them to be back in your life.

If for some reason they persist when you don't respond, then involve your attorney. Don't deal with them on your own.

In my mind I like to imagine that, if it were me, I'd buy an urn on Amazon for $80, fill it with the ashes from the grill from my last cook out, and hand that over to them.Good luck,
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notgoodenough May 2023
Sick, twisted and a stellar idea! Love it!
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Throw out the letter and ignore its requests completely. Do with the ashes and urn whatever brings you peace. If you think there’s a possibility of one of these family members trying to obtain the urn after you’re gone from this earth, pick a time to scatter the ashes somewhere with meaning for you and your husband before that can happen. I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re having to deal with such
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czechchick May 2023
Thank you. I appreciate and value your reply.
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I vote for your lawyer’s opinion.

Ignoring them completely is much too polite, but easier on you, so by all means, do that.
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czechchick May 2023
I agree! Thank you!
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Don't answer anything from them. After my husband died from cancer in 2016, I got all kinds of weird communication (lies) from his exes and his family kicked me to the curb. This threw me into complicated grief that turned into raging anger. It is almost seven years after his death, and I haven't heard anything else from them. People show their true colors towards you after the death of a spouse because you no longer have your spouse to buffer you from them. People get weird as hell after a death.

My spouses ashes are with me and they will be interred with me once I pass away.

Please accept my heartfelt condolences to you and your family.
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czechchick May 2023
I’m so sorry that you too have experienced the rage of unhinged relatives. I have learned that for some odd reason they only value blood relatives. It’s been a twilight zone experience. Dealing with grief, working, etc. and then being subjected to torment from those bullies has been a nightmare. You also should have received the love and support you deserved during your time of grief. My condolences 💐 to you also.
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It cracks me up when siblings think they have a voice when a sibling is married. To me when you take on a spouse and leave ur parents, you also leave ur siblings. Meaning, your spouse becomes #1. If your husband's wishes were different than the siblings then you go with your husbands wishes. I agree, do not respond. Keep the letter though, you may need it later. I don't see any demands since they say if you don't agree they would like to know where he would be buried. If your husband put his wishes in writing make sure u keep that too.
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czechchick May 2023
I agree, I will ignore the request and if it happens again I will get my attorney involved. I’m certain they won’t give up. Thank you so much for the reply.
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I agree with all the others who say to ignore them. For those people, that’s probably the worst thing you could do to them. There’s no point in giving them any ammunition for whatever they think of next. Pretend they don’t exist.

So sorry for the situation. Be glad you’re through with them.
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czechchick May 2023
Yes, I agree, I will ignore them. I think if they continue to contact me I-will get my attorney involved. Thank you so much for the input.
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"He said they have room for one more urn..."

If you do decide to reply, I suggest you tell the bully, "No thank you, use that space for yourself."
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I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I am so sorry for your loss. You don’t deserve to have this foolishness from your husband’s family in your life.

Your husband’s siblings have misguided and inaccurate religious beliefs. This isn’t part of Catholic teachings. The church doesn’t require families to be buried together

I was raised Catholic and my family would never expect or insist that the entire family be buried together.

Family plots are common and available for those who want to utilize them.

Of course, spouses are generally buried together. It’s awful that they didn’t mention that you were welcome to be buried there too.

It’s a personal preference where someone is laid to rest. I wouldn’t even respond to their insulting letter.

Once your husband became an adult he was free to practice or not practice any religion. His family has no say in it whatsoever. I agree with you that his family has a ‘cult like’ mentality.
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If somehow someone succeeds in contacting you, tell them you already scattered his ashes at some place on the other side of the country far from where you are.

If you want to be sadistic and think they'd want to somehow visit that place, pick a swampy, nasty place with lots of mosquitos just to send them on a wild goose chase. 😉
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Czechchick,

Sorry for your loss. 🌹

Do this:
"My attorney advised me to not have any contact with my husbands family after his death".

Stop torturing yourself.
Take some deep breaths.
That family could really hurt you.
Follow your attorney's advice.
For your sake.
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I am very sorry for your loss.
I am also very sorry you have this issue. So awful.

No contact does sound the most protective. Zero contact, block all numbers, return all mail to sender.

But if you are curious or think it better or useful to be informed about their wishes, read the mail or text, then destroy/delete BUT be careful! Weigh up whether finding out what crazy they what is worth damaging your peace.

Can your Solicitor send a letter & request all mail be sent via them?

By the way, imho, it IS bizarre to behave in this way, for siblings to feel entitled to have ownership of ashes over the spouse. I actually had in-law sibs ask if we (not just him) wanted to do a combined multi-gen-multi-family burial thing. *Ask* not tell or demand. There was a little push from from some to conform & join - we just politely declined. Our decline was respected.
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I'm feeling malicious this morning - send them a cheap urn filled with dirt.
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Sendhelp May 2023
I have so much to say, but I can't!
JeanLouise says "wash your hands of these toxic people".
I know, right?
Especially after digging in all that dirt.
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They are probably livid that your husband was cremated. If they are conservative Catholics like my husband’s family is, they don’t believe in cremation, despite the fact that the Church now allows it.

Honor your husband’s wishes. Arrange with your attorney to have future communication with his family be through your attorney so you don’t need to deal with them.
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Your only obligation is to your husband's wishes.
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wash your hands of these toxic people. Your lawyer is advising you to end all communication. Follow it. Perhaps any letters that arrive from in-laws can be sent to him but I imagine he will charge a fee to deal with them.
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Ignore all further attempts at contact. Throw out any letters sent. Do not engage them in any manner whatsoever.
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Couldn't your attorney send a strongly worded letter tell them to leave you alone?
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Ignore them but save the letter and any more evidence of harassment. This includes keeping a log and description of any communications.
My brother was Catholic and there was no problem with his burial although I believe that cremains need to be placed n the ground.
My brother had a best friend who is very sentimental. I allowed her a small piece of jewelry with some of his ashes
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