My husband is 1 of 6 children, having been raised with 5 sisters. Both parents are now using walkers, and Mom is seriously ill--with wounds on both legs that won't heal, no real path to healing, and a staph infection caught at the hospital. (They both are 86.) She's been in and out of the hospital repeatedly since July and had multiple falls. Meanwhile, the siblings got started taking turns traveling to stay with the parents (some driving 4-6 hours) nine months ago. They have rotated to stay 4+ days and transport the parents to endless medical and dental appointments. It started with 3x weekly radiation treatments on Mom's legs, then 2x weekly wound care. (Local siblings drop by, leave food, and drive to appointments. They don't stay over with the folks.) The folks live in a remote spot, so many medical appointments are a 1 hour drive away from their home. All of the siblings have jobs; none are retired. So how can this continue to work? The locals haven't had to take off much vacation time for this routine, but others have. My husband runs his own business and is the only one who can make his own schedule. He's traveled to give care and transportation 6 different weeks since December. But it's not enough for the 2 siblings who live near Mom/Dad. They say he should do more, and should not work at all while he's "on duty" at his parents. (If you're self-employed, you know that's nearly impossible.) They are critical that we're still vacationing, as well. The siblings are all judging and tearing at one another now. I can't believe the things that have been said to my husband, who honestly has gone to huge pains to pull off this personal level of care. He already works too hard and has high blood pressure and cholesterol. I'm afraid for his health, frankly. It breaks my heart (and his) that SOME of his sisters are saying they're disappointed with what he's done. He simply can't do more. There is money available for AL, so I don't know why they've let it come to this. Some sibs are now researching AL close to where the doctors are.
So, my questions: Words of advice/strength for my husband? How can we help the siblings stop judging another and work together? See that this is not sustainable? Agree that people can care/contribute in different ways as they are able? Understand that we plan to continue living/supporting our own life/marriage/children even as we care of aging parents?
Perhaps they don't agree with that way of looking at things. It’s probably worthwhile to find out.
Husband and his sibs need to put on their own oxygen masks before they try to rescue mom and dad.
In AL, the staff is paid to do a job and you'll all know the folks are fed, bathed, seen by medical staff, medicated properly and on time every day, etc. Then you'd all be free to work and play w/o the worry of who's doing 'more' and who's doing 'less' for the folks who, in the long run, are suffering as a result of all the bickering.
They need professional help at this stage of their lives and they're not getting it. You and your husband should advocate for THAT, most of all, and perhaps the rest of the siblings will come on board when someone's making a strong case for managed care. I insisted on Assisted Living for my parents, and it was the best decision I could possibly have made for them. My mother wound up living to 95 as a result of the excellent care and attention she got while there, from a loving staff. And I didn't have to totally ruin MY life trying to jump through hoops I was unqualified to jump through in an effort to provide her with medical care I knew nothing about. She had teams of people working 24/7 for her, vs. me, who'd have gotten burned out in short order trying to be chief cook & bottle washer, and failing miserably at ALL of it.
Wishing you the best of luck trying to convince the rest of the siblings to get on that bandwagon and come together for the sake of their parents. And for the sake of their own continued relationships. Quite often siblings wind up estranged from one another after the rigors of caregiving their elderly parents' is over with. All those judgments they passed, all the fighting and harsh words spoken can't be taken back. What's it worth to avoid all THAT?
I'd say it's time for a family meeting/Zoom call where everyone lays their cards on the table and makes it clear what they can and cannot do, then they come to a realistic consensus as to what to do within the constraints each person has.
You get the line I am suggesting (and which is probably true). Bring it to a crisis, and ask DH to stop participating in an arrangement that is working for no-one. ‘This is wrong, and I won’t be part of it’.
If DH backs out of care, and both of you put the pressure on about the inadequate care, it will bring things to a head. ‘This has to stop, for Mom and Dad’s sake, if not for yours’.
When things have changed, you can see what is left of the personal dynamics – and try for better if possible. This approach may work better (in several ways) than 'attacking' the sisters. Worth considering?
The Sister-Brother relationship is NOT one of Master-Slave relationship.
Neither is the Parent-Adult Offspring.
I have had family members like this. Assumed others could be timetabled at their direction. No.
Each adult is a separate adult, has their own family, work, health & other responsibilities. Is free to choose IF, WHEN & HOW they help. Like in the film Pretty Woman's, when Julia's character says "I say who, I say when, I say how much".
"So how can this continue to work?"
It can't.
"The folks live in a remote spot".
The folks will need to reassess this.
If they are longer independent, then they must
A. Arrange copious amounts of help.
B. Move where help already exists eg AL.
Arranging help comes in many forms, but simplified into family & non-family.
Once needs exceed what family can do, other sources are required eg neighbours, friends, community, volunteers & paid services.
As Zippy on the forum often says (bluntly yet so effectively!);
Elders' poor choices should not destroy their children's lives.
I think this is key.
Your Husband needs to decide who he is working for - himself, or his sisters.
If he needs to say No. Then he says No.
Leave the reasons out if they won't listen. No is a complete sentence anyway as they say.
He is not responsible for how others react to his no.
All the manipulation, guilting, pulling etc is unfortunate but understandable when things have got to a crises stage & there are many (too many) leaders.
A good Social Worker with experience with elders could sit down with the folks & work out their options with them.
What do THEY want?
Is that possible?
Re-starting the care plan based on the parents needs, rather than what each sister *thinks*. This would be a very good re-starting place.
People don't respect how much the self-employed have to work. I know; my H has his own company (I work there, too). Then there are the ones who work gov't jobs vs private industry. My MIL expects her nearby son to do all sorts of things for her an old house on many acres AND a lakefront cottage. He has a busy, demanding job. HER H (FIL) was able to retire as a teacher when he was 55 and just kick back. Her son is NOT the same. (Fortunately, we live states away and don't participate in any of this work (that she should be hiring out).
Sounds like it is time for mom and dad to sell their house and move closer to the services they need. It is ridiculous that all the siblings are forced to keep this charade of independence going with these in denial seniors.
Husband has to learn to say no and not be a party to propping up this unsustainable lifestyle the parents are choosing.
I would advise him to have a meeting first with all the siblings. Then with the siblings and parents. Unfortunately i dont expect any of them to be reasonable about what needs to be done.
Husband needs to set a boundary about what he can or can't do and stick to it. If he can't then his siblings and his parents needs will grind him into the ground and the stress will cause him to have his own serious health issues and consequences.
In the short run, this is going to be harder than the rotating fire drill of driving to where they are to support them, but it's the only viable longer-term solution.
Different people have different skills. Your husband needs to put his foot down and say, "I appreciate that you feel I should be doing X. I simply cannot, but I can contribute to AL or a health aide. This will be my role as Mom and Dad age, but my first responsibility is to my wife and children."
act. I googled care advisors, found a LOCAL company called care patrol.. an independent agency that helps you find a place . They know your needs, availability, cost , reputation, will meet you for tours. Many places have Nurse practitioner s coming in to see patients. You don’t pay for the care advisors service, they are paid by the facility. Get the information you need and have it in hand. ( it doesn’t have to be care patrol, just the name of the franchise I found)
things do not get better from here. I wish you luck, and peace.. I never want to go through the family garbage again ..(unfortunately, I have a SIL and BIL who both want and crave control, so it still continues)
Your husband needs to say "Sister, I am doing the best I can. My business is my livelihood, I have bills to pay. If that is not enough, I am sorry. Mom and Dad have the assets to go into an AL. They need to get closer to resources they need. We children cannot sustain this."
If they go into an AL, find one that has the ability to take residents to appts. Also, there is Senior bussing. I would also see if all the appts are necessary. Drs do milk Medicare. Moms PCP had Mom coming back every 2 months. Probably because Medicare allowed it. Mom was on 2 meds, high blood pressure and Cholesterol. These are not illnesses that you see someone every 2 months for. Even his nurse questioned it. I told her "if he says 'now what are we here for' we will not be making another appt unless she needs a prescription refilled or she is sick". He asked. Other doctors once the problem is stabilized, 6 months to a year is enough. Some things a PCP can handle. If something happens, you go back to the specialist.
Think, this is ridiculous that 6 children, some driving hours, put their lives on hold to care for 2 people. Those two people need to make changes because they can no longer do for themselves. If they have the money, they need to use it.
I totally feel for your husband AND you. Don't let his sisters give you grief. You're doing all you can. Your husband is doing all he can. I'm sure his sisters are doing all they can. But reality is...people decline and they get worse and will - AND THIS IS IMPORTANT --> CONTINUE to get worse.
Assisted living or a nursing home (probably a nursing home if she has wounds that need care) will be the best option for everyone. Definitely encourage the family to look into this. Your mother in law will do better with consistent care and they can provide the wound care and other necessary medical help 'round the clock which she likely will need in the coming months or years. Also, the sooner she makes the move, the easier it will be. Because every time you move a senior, they need to get adjusted to the new environment and it shakes them up a bit. It's better to move them while they're lucid enough to understand what's happening and to make friends with others and the staff.
Good luck and hang in there!!!
The burden of driving those distances is bad for the parents and the siblings. Your DH has to take care of himself. The answer is to say: “Enough. I can’t do this anymore and live. I will end up in the hospital if I continue to do what I have been doing.”
If the parents refuse, he will have to cut back and the others will have to insist on AL.
It seems cruel but the caregiver needs self care.
My DH is the only child and his mother is difficult. He doesn’t want anything to do with her. Every step has been a slog with him. I took up the slack where I could but I see that he complains a lot and says it is a full time job when now she is in AL it is more part time paper pushing. He wants nothing to do with her. I think he has the beginnings of his own problems. I will have to reach out for him since she will need to see a neurologist.
If there is a way to support your DH in the background, without causing problems, try to do so. Encourage him to pull back and look into AL. They do provide transportation and doctors do come to them.