My mom is going to drive me crazy with her questions. Any advice?

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My mom is going to drive me crazy with her questions. Any advice?

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My mom has started to constantly ask where her brother...Carl....is. She keeps asking when he'll be home...is he sleeping...can I wake him up... This goes on all afternoon until I'm ready to scream. My uncle Carl is very much alive but he does not live in my town and he's elderly...older than my mom. How do I stay calm while I answer the same questions over and over?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Burnout Dementia Behaviors Memory Loss

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I see all the questions, but where are the answers or recommendations? I'm new to this site.

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When we would visit my mother-in-law she would get into a loop. She didn't recognize her son but would repeatedly ask where he was. I found I could lead her in a conversation about him, and get a story about him. Probably mostly fiction, but by asking an occasional leading question we kept the conversation going and out of the loop. We took it for what it was worth, it was like listening to a fantasy novel about the people in her life. Now she is gone we love to laugh at some of journeys she took us on.

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I get this daily, like some days every 10-20 seconds as my dementia Nan has a memory worse than a fish. I find if you just agree or tell them a little white lie like “oh he will be home soon” or he’s gone out” etc, they at least have some sort of comfort or an answer. I go mad too when getting the same question on repeat, but I find if you tell a little white lie answering them, or you ask them a question of their question, it distracts them from asking so often and takes their mind of it…

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Instead of thinking of it as a "white lie" I was advised to think of it as a "therapeutic lie" that is actually for their benefit. Takes a bit of the guilt away knowing you are trying not to hurt them with the truth.

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My Mom used to ask questions that I couldn't answer, usually around bedtime. She would ask the same question multiple times. I could feel my stress level go higher and higher. Then I hit upon a solution and it appears to help me (yes, me, not her).

When the question came up, I asked her why she wanted to know. When she told me, I responded with another question. With each response, I kept on answering with a follow up question until I got on "familiar" ground that I could answer successfully and truthfully which ended the conversation.

When the question came up again, I tried to remember my exact response in the specific order.

Repeat the sequence in exact order, as often as the question is asked.

My Mom eventually no longer asked that question because she finally "got" the answer.

My stress level went down with the question because I was prepared with a response. In addition, subsequent questions were predictable and the response was already prepared. Therefore less stress on answering the question.

As a different tactic, how well do you know your Uncle Carl? Can you ask him how he would like you to answer the question?

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Ironies of ironies.

My Mom is at a new low level of dementia. She has started to re-ask the same questions she asked over a year ago. Thankfully, I remembered the answers and sequence. No angst on my part. I'm sure we will be going through the dialog again tomorrow. "Practice makes perfect..."

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Someone mentioned Alexa as a solution for the million questions: it sounds like a great idea for repetition!

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People with dementia ask the same questions over and over. Say he's on vacation, or he saw you yesterday. You had a nice visit. And then redirect onto something else. Oh look your program is on.

It can also be how she is dealing with stress. And it comes out as a 1000 questions. Check with her doc. They can help her with meds. Not to drug her to shut her up. Of course not. But to ease her worried mind about all those racing thoughts that won't stop. She probably cant shut it off, all the constant worry and unease. Which isn't normal. And can really stress her out. And you as well.
Good luck.

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Acknowledge and divert is my motto. I use whatever works when my 92yo Mom asks about her parents, e.g. “Let’s call them after lunch.” “They’re fine and so proud of you. Say, could you help me by folding this basket of towels?” “Let’s play some music. I’ve got some of your dad’s favorites recorded.” (Her playlist of about 30 songs keeps her occupied for a good hour and a half.)

Recently, she had developed a habit of waking in the middle of the night and wandering the house in the dark, afraid, anxious and totally confused. Her doctor prescribed a very mild dose of an anti-anxiety med, and wow, what a difference! No more night wandering (at least for now) and fewer questions about long-deceased family members.

Nothing is perfect or always works, but something that always helps my frustration is to stop and take three full breaths. All the best to you.

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The residents in the nursing home love music. Esp big band and Sinatra. 👍

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My Mom talks non stop too. After 23 yrs I pretend I didn’t hear and say I’ll be right back I need to…..and I make up something. I have to walk away or she’ll drive me insane.

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Once a day tell her, "he is out of town." Then, divert her attention to another activity or topic of conversation. If you can not distract her to another activity or topic, ask her doctor for a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. Your mom may be having anxiety and having a hard time relaxing. The psychiatrist can prescribe medications to help her relax and have this constant fear in the afternoon.

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What you answer will not really matter much. Your mother is probably not associating your answer with her question anyway. She may be fixated on Carl right now b/c he is something or someone she can think of with which she can make "conversation." She is trying to make a connection with you by asking something. Initiating a more complex or meaningful conversation is something she can likely not do.

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I identify with almost every post, being the caretaker of my mother for the past 5 years. She is 86 with dementia and arthritis and personality opposite of what she was years ago. There is nothing we can do as caregivers Healthcare providers to change anything. I do just about anything to remove behavior, her daily contant questions, her insults, her screaming to let her out....I've tried responding in every way imaginable but nothing is a correct response sure to work the next time....which will be within 5 to 10 minutes. The only thing we can do is to me adjustments to ourselves. You have to break away from them, and from where you care for them on a regular basis. It is hard, hurtful, and unfair to assume care alone as other family members go on and live life, tend to their relationships, enhance their careers and you stand back unable to make a productive trip to grocery store. Waiting months to get 3 days away is simply a waste. Caregiving for a a parent or loved one has to be one of the most emotional taxing, frustrating,.....jobs a person can have.
Ive learned alot the past 5 years, I had to seek out answers myself and learn many things after the fact. I hope to one day soon run a program and be able to offer service, assistance and resources to the caregiver. So many things I regret not doing before I took this on and I know had I, the care I give would be so much better and what she deserves. Caregiving is not for everyone . I want those considering caregiving to look a bit deeper, open your eyes when your heart goes on auto open and get things done and set up right with yourself, your life, your responsibilities, and ambitions so that you are settled, patient, attentive and excited by making all this unknown for them safe and comfortable a minute at a time.
Sincerely
Sharon

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It may be helpful to let them sit and watch TV alone. That way their minds are occupied with trying to figure out what’s going on, sometimes without much success. But at least it gets them out of their mind loop for a while.

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This is typical dementia behavior. People's minds get in a loop (usually about something that happened in childhood) and they keep replaying the same story. In my mother's memory care unit I had some "conversations" with one of the men who also lived there, and he told me the same story over and over. You can keep repeating the same reassuring statements, as suggested in some of the other responses. She won't remember what you said previously. Tune it out so that you don't go crazy. I have not found signs, logic or instructions to work. Play along with it. Try to see some humor in it. She'll go through many stages. This is only one of them.

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LisaNormand22: In lieu of saying something akin to 'I already told you that (answer),' say 'You may recall that Carl is quite up there in age, his hearing is poor, his phone is out of order, he's taking his third nap of the day.' Or any number of scenarios that may make her rethink asking again. My late mother had developed the repetition story line if you will. Perhaps an elder has so little that they are able to converse about that repetition works for them. I, also, was ready to scream - but now I wish I could hear those stories one more time.

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My SO got told by the Cna in assisted living that she, the cna, would just say the persons loved one was really coming. They forgot 15 minutes later.

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Be careful using this advice, depending on the level of dementia. If I tell my husband something is going to happen he doesn't forget but becomes so focused on that and it becomes a lot bigger problem for me. I can't tell him about anything until it is close to time for it to happen. If I do, he looks for his hat and shoes and one time even went into the garage got in the car. If someone is coming, he keeps looking out the window or looks for things he wants to show them. I don't get him completely dressed until it is close to happening in case he needs a bathroom trip. Often I've turned my back on him and he has already dressed himself which creates more problems if he has an accident. Often times if he dresses himself, the clothes are on backwards or something not appropriate for the occasion. It can be amazing what some folks can do by themselves when you take your eyes off them but often are confused when you are trying to assist them.

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My best advice is to deflect the question. If you engage it will only lead to more questions. Most of which will be forgotten in a few minutes.
I always try to change the subject that has an easy simple answer.

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Maybe you can write in bold letters on paper where they are. I am thinking about doing this with my Mom. She tells me once a day, evening time, my Dad is upstairs napping or she doesn't know where he is & my Niece and her Son who lived there for 10 yrs spent the night somewhere but she isn't sure where.. I ignore sometimes....other times remind her they are not there. But that angers her..

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Great suggestion that I've used for different issues with my husband and it helps. For big issues I put a note on the refrigerator. He became obsessed he would be activated back to the Air Force, most recently for Ukraine. When he mentioned it to our geriatrician in a visit, I asked if she would give him a note saying he had health issues and should not serve. I told him if anyone tried to activate him he could show them the letter. For the next several days, I saw him standing there reading it and soon he stopped reading the letter and stopped asking about it.

The next visit, he asked her when he could see our grandchildren (we had just visited two days before). I told him it wasn't up to her, it would have to be arranged by us and our sons. His response was.... "She is the authority!" So I asked for a note saying he needs to see our grandchildren!

Not turning the news on when he watches TV has helped minimize his concerns of current events. Most recently I had to convince him a scratch on his foot was not Monkey Pox and it was not all over our sheets. His PT checked it and once he said that it was not, he stopped talking about it.

LisaNormand22, I know this is not exactly the same as you are dealing with and may not help you but hopefully may help someone else.

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No one touched on this. IMO your Mom is now "back in time". She and Carl are now children and she is looking for her older brother. Maybe answer "he is out playing with his friends, he will be back at dinner time" See what kind of reaction you get.

I believe people suffering from Dementia eventually revert back to childhood. Someone asked my Mom one day how her kids were doing. Indignantly she told the person "I have no children" and I was standing right there. She had me at 21. So she was somewhere in time that she wasn't even married. The look on her face was like "why does this person think I would have children". She forgot my Dad long before this incident and believe me was someone you didn't forget.

I would ask her doctor about this and see if she can be given something to calm her a little.

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There has been some good advice on this forum, especially just answering her without letting it get under your skin. My mom did the same thing in the early stages of the disease but now, it’s much less. The disease has advanced so much that she says only a few words per day. It’s sad because she used to laugh and joke. I hate this disease.

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My mom also asks the same questions over and over every day and I answer them the same way mostly every time.

She asks where my deceased brother is and I tell her he's gone home. That satisfies her with out breaking her heart again and again.

She asks where my deceased ex-husband is and when he's coming home (she's living with me in my home where he used to live) and I tell her he's in SC - (he's buried there).

She asks where my dad is and I tell her that I don't know.
She asks where her mother and her dad are and I tell her I don't know.
She asks if I've spoken to her mother today and I always say no.

She asks where my two young adult children are and I tell her where they are.

She asks what day it is and what time it is over and over and over and I tell her whatever comes to mind because it doesn't matter either way.

She asks me where I am and I tell her I'm "right here" and she usually says that I'm not me.

She asks where she is because she thinks she's "a patient" and I tell her she's at home.

I never try to recalibrate her because it just causes her stress and she then she's forgotten in five minutes anyway. The goal for me is to satisfy her that everyone is okay and she's okay.

It's just what it is. She's trying to get her mental bearings. It's sad.

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Wow, you are a saint!!!!!!!!!!!

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Teepa Snow is very good on the subject of handling repetitive questioning without going up the wall - you should be able to find her talks online.

Can you broaden the questions into a conversation about your mother's memories of Carl when they were younger? Is there any particular preoccupation to do with him that she's returning to again and again?

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This may seem a bit odd to some however in this situation anything is worth a try.
Not sure if you are familiar with the "Alexa Echo Dot" device but I think it might be of some help if your mom is open to the idea or able to comprehend and interact with it with some help. It is always there to answer as many questions your mom can come up with. Playing music she likes of any kind and so much more. If it helps her -- and you it would be worth it. She may think it's a lot of fun. My mom uses it a lot! I hope this may be something you are able to try out - even reading books to her. I am familiar with a lot of the difficulties for your mom and you and I really hope you find a bit of help and a lot of fun too. Take care

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Interesting I was thinking the same. I wonder if a wikipedia page was set up about her brother if Alexia would find it and answer by reading wiki. We named my dads Alexia Echo, easier for him to say. He can call anyone with it thats phone number is in my cell phone. Or even my house Alexia.

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Oh my I sure do feel for you! It's exasperating! My mom 86 does the same thing. Her focus is on the cats. It goes: where are all my cats? I haven't seen them for 48 hours. Are they in the garage? Do they know where their food is? Have you seen the kittens? Are they in the house? And so on and so on and so on. Mind you the cats are literally in front or next to her sleeping all the while. It's mind numbing. So I have a simple reply, the same exact wording, for each question: your cats are safe and sound in the house. I give this exact answer each time verbatim. After several of these answers she stops the questions for an hour or two. When she starts up I just answer the same way word for word, like a broken record. It doesn't stop the questions but it takes the stress out of having to actually think about those annoying questions. And it takes no thought at all so you can do other things while this is going on. She's not going to stop asking, cant fix that. But you don't have to think about it. Maybe find a simple answer like Carl is out of town for a few days...we'll call him when he gets back. Or whatever fits your situation. It sounds like she might not remember your answer anyway so make it something easy for you repeat. I hope this helps a bit.

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I could never consider moving my wife to any institution as long as she is reasonably coherent.

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When it starts affecting your mental and physical health, you will have a different perspective. Enjoy the calm before the storm.

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Try to be patient.

If you had kids, you went through the endless "Why? Why? Why?" phase, so you've been here before. You also know that was a phase that ended eventually, and this will, too.

The difference is that your children gained more language and could eventually express themselves more and carry on a conversation, but your mom will eventually stop talking and you'll miss her voice.

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My mother died on 2/22/22 and I'll tell you this: I do not miss ONE moment of her voice asking me those horrible questions a million times about where her mother was, and where her sisters were. All those questions were anxiety ridden and filled with misery for her, in reality. Nothing to miss about that at all. Dementia is a torturous situation for everyone involved. I'm glad she's finally at peace now, to be honest, and her fight with dementia is over with.

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I know this torture well. It's the equivalent of "death by a thousand cuts". In this case, it's "madness by a thousand repetitive questions."

My mom did the same to me and drove me mad. I had to save my sanity.

I ignored her questions.
I moved far from ear shot so I wouldn't hear her questions.
If I heard, I just grunted, nodded, said "uh huh", "yes", "yeah", "sure", or anyone word answer.
If she didn't like my replies, and started asking more and more, I just left the room.

You must remove yourself from this insanity. Or else, you will lose it mentally, your blood pressure will skyrock, you will resent your mother, even hate her. No, no, you don't want to go there.

Don't worry me about her being mad or disappointed, because she won't remember any of it later on.

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Death by a thousand cuts...........so true!

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It takes an exceptional amount of patience to deal with an elder suffering from dementia due to them asking the same question a thousand times. You need to get respite from caregiving, so think about hiring caregivers to come into your home for 4 hours a day to give you a break. Or get mom enrolled in a daycare program locally which will give you some time to yourself to regroup before the questions start rolling in again. Try distraction techniques to get mom off the subject of Uncle Carl, but that's only so good for so long before the same question surfaces yet again. Once they're stuck in a loop, I know of nothing short of a miracle to get them OFF of it.

Consider Memory Care placement if the caregiving becomes too much to bear. My mother did great in MC for the almost 3 years she was there.

Best of luck!

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lealonni1 Your advise is always so right on target. Mom is "celebrating" 5 years in Memory care this month with 2 1/2 years on hospice. She also drove us crazy looking for her Mother and Father, fortunately that phase only lasted 6 months. Looking back, I would have asked for anti anxiety meds sooner. She was on a mild anti depressant, but we did not get the anxiety help until later. She did not become a zombie, it just took the edge off her worring about everything. In her facillity there was a woman who paced all day every day looking for lost ones. The family did not want meds and it broke my heart to see her wringing her hands, asking over and over where am I, where is father, etc. I am much more at peace knowing my Mom is not so frantic any more. We call it better living thru modern chemistry. I also pray every night the Lord to take her. I lost her years ago and there is nothing resembling my dear, wonderful Mother who was one of my best friends, in the 88 pound shriveled body who is totally helpless in her wheel chair. Moving her to memory care was a painful choice, but I am blessed to have done it. She wanted me to live my life. She keep saying she did not want to be a burden, I would answer not a burden, but a responsibilty.

My mom is going to drive me crazy with her questions. Any advice?

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