She lives to find fault but refers to it as "truth telling". She doesn't like any of her grandchildren but esp hates her gay grandchildren (they're going to die unhappy and young, IHO), body shames every body, is perpetually dissatisfied, can't be pleased, holds grudges while cosplaying what a great Christian she is.
She is wearing out the patience of yet another AL. She says she should be in our homes but we siblings did try that, for years, and no, thank you, no more.
And she's not particularly nice to my DH.
Her ONE 'friend' died a couple of weeks ago. She has literally no one who really is included in her life.
I'd feel bad, but she did that to herself.
I can't even FATHOM what kind of 'patient' she'd be in a NH.
Perhaps you can have a meeting with the ED of the AL to see what ideas s/he has to keep your mom living THERE for the future. What would mom have to do to stay? Then you can read mom the riot act and say listen, either play by their rules or I'll have to find you another ALF to live in that may not be as NICE as this one, your choice.
What else can you do? Making her a ward of the state would be the absolute LAST thing I'd do if it were me, along with taking her into my home. OUT of the question. So all you can do is shuffle her off to another ALF if she gets kicked out. It won't be 'her fault', of course, b/c women like this refuse to see the error of their OWN ways, God forbid.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I think people can make their own choices but, they need to be accepting of those that choices are not in agreement with theirs. Acceptance goes boths ways, regardless of our own opinion on that.
I wouldn't bring up the queer or alternative choices family members and tell her that you don't want to hear anything about it. Tell her to love the sinner and hate the sin and pray for them and stop talking about them. Don't try to justify their choices and don't try to make her change her personal beliefs.
She is entitled to her beliefs, as we all are but, NONE of us are entitled to force our beliefs on others. That is where most of these issues lay, people demanding that others forgo their beliefs and accept whatever is forced on them. Not okay!
I wouldn't get involved with her care or housing, I guarantee she isn't the only senior that can't accept 2022 and what is being shoved in everyone's face. Before anyone attacks me, I don't want to see or know about anyone's sexual preference, keep it in the bedroom is my belief, I think it is a special connection that shouldn't be flaunted to the world, period.
By the way most of us have been alive when interracial marriage was illegal but a husband raping his wife was not. People who can't handle behaving like a decent human being by at least keeping their hateful bigotry to themselves deserve the isolation they end up in.
As to the AL, if THEY as trained professionals are “distressed” by her “offensive” comments, you may have to try another care site that is more down to earth about managing and dealing with the needs of crabby old ladies with hearing loss.
It may be helpful in having people accept her as she is if you have a behavioral/functional eval. done by a psychologist or psychiatrist trained in geriatric behavioral management. You may get some tips, but don’t expect any miracles. Dementia reduces the ability to recognize the need for limits and consequences for personal behavior, and KNOWING that she has such problems MAY help victims of her hostility let it pass them without as much hurt.
Bottom line- you have made a FAIR DECISION about what her living arrangements SHOULD be, and what they CAN’T BE. She deserves safe, humane care, but NO ONE needs to bend over backwards, nor to be insulted or maligned without an explanation that her rants are meaningless.
My present LO in care was waspish early on, but ultimately learned a sense of acceptance and appreciation of her caregivers (or maybe just learned to keep her mouth shut).
All you can do is your best. Short visits, ignore what you can, and plan something pleasant as a reward to yourself after you leave her.
The AL facility can handle her behavior. If they can't then she may have to go to a memory care facility.
My mother is exactly like yours only she throws in a nice big scoop of martyrdom and guilt-tripping.
Try saying to her:
'Shut the hell up. Nobody cares what you think'.
*(you may have to substitute the 'hell' with something stronger. I often do)
Then walk away. Encourage the AL staff to do the same. This is what I have to do every day. People like our mother's are only happy when they can drag other's into their misery circle. They thrive on people's unhappiness. They love to bully others and if they can get tears out of someone, that's so much delicious gravy to them.
If the AL throws her out, they'll make another arrangement for her. Reduce how much communication you have with her. Let her become a ward of the state if necessary.
The AL will put her in memory care of they can't deal with her.
Whatever happens, DO NOT agree to her to being moved into your house.
Your mother has chosen her path.
We can't change others.
While you might want to tell her gently that her attitude may get her removed from her AL which would/could result in a much less nice facility to finish her life in, it is unlikely to make a difference and would just mean you did cover all the bases.
Again, we cannot change others. We simply must move on with our own lives understanding that they DO indeed get a kind of satisfaction out of their actions, foreign as that may seem to someone who doesn't behave this way.
You might do a bit of training by making negative visits and phone calls very very short. Other than that, I hope others have a few clues for you going forward and I can only wish you good luck and the happy life your Mom has chosen to ignore.
Her filter is almost completely gone. The stuff she has said to me in the safe environment of her own home had blown my mind completely.
OK, she's 92 and still living the racist, bigoted attitudes of the 40's. She just has no ability to filter out what she THINKS before she says it.
She asked me one day if my dear friend D was 'still gay' and I replied, "it's not something to 'get over, mom, it's WHO HE IS'. She scoffed and said 'well he broke his mother's heart'. (No, he did not and was and is a stellar son! His mom accepted D's husband as her son and there were no issues.)
Mom's remark following this was "well, I am glad WE don't have any of that awful mess in our family'. NOBODY is going to tell mother than she has 2 grandsons who are gay and one Great grandson (our grandson).
Don't even get me started on racial stuff. She's gotten to the point that we don't take her anywhere. You never know what she's going to spout out.
I am sure and AL has encountered this and will continue to do so. If they can't, maybe a nice calming benzo to settle her down. IDK, I think AL's see the gamut of inappropriate behavior and are generally equipped to handle all and sundry things.
Drugs don't cure racism or innappropriate, nasty behaviors. Benzos and any other drugs are for agitation and anxiety.
It's not illegal to be a racist. It's not illegal to be an a**hole either. Many people are both and those people usually live very lonely lives because others avoid them like the plague.
You're not going to be able to "change" how she feels about gays or gluttony....throw a little dementia in there and you've got a really unpleasant conversation, because now she doesn't have a filter. Just divert the conversation every time she goes there.
I see that someone else suggested not to share too much about your life with her. Sadly that's a lesson I have learned as well. I tell my mom very little about my life and outright lies are the norm for me anymore. Again, self protection first and foremost.
If she doesn’t care for the gay grandchildren, it’s her right. You don’t have to hear about it from her, but it’s not on you to change her mind.