There are 3 other caregivers including myself and I have been doing this for about 8 years. My brother has health issues, lives out of state and does not help much financially. I supplement her expenses from my retirement money but I’m getting burned out from Managing the daily needs for her and maintaining my household. She was in assisted living for 1 year and hated it. We moved her to a townhome close to us which seemed to be the better option but is becoming more difficult to maintain considering her needs, are increasing and financially is becoming more expensive. I spend 3 nites a week with her and most weekend days to offset some of the care expenses, but I am feeling frustrated and resentful. considering she needs round the clock care, I have thought about skilled nursing care but I don’t know where to start. I feel like I’m doing the best I can but feel guilty for thinking about Other care options. Need advice.
You really shouldn't be supplementing your Mom's expenses, you will need that money for yourself when you get older. Aging is down right expensive, as you are finding out.
My Dad had 3 shifts of professional caregiver each day as he was a major fall risk and couldn't cook/clean for himself, and it was costing him $20k per month, in my area. Then Dad decided it was crazy for him to remain in such a large house with all the expenses of being a homeowner, so he sold his house and used the equity to move into senior living. He loved it there, especially being around people of his own generation, so much more in common thus better conversations :) The cost of Assisted Living was around $7k per month, thus Dad was saving money going this route.
If you read other posts on the forums, you will find a vast majority of older people will say they hated living in a senior facility, but behind the scenes some actually were enjoying making new friends, etc. They just needed something to grumble about to family.... [sigh].
Thus, stop the guilt trip, as it isn't a very pleasant ride. Think of it more as doing what is best for your Mother. My own Mom was placed in long-term-care as there was no way I nor my Dad could care for her at home even with caregivers [which she refused]. Many of us have to wait until there is a serious medical issue before we can finally get our parent into senior living.... for my Mom, it was a very serious fall which she never recovered from.
The forum last week posted a wonderful article which I keep beside me at all times now. Please access and read it. You already know the facts. They will cause pain, but not worse pain than what you are going through now, which cannot be sustained.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm
I'm sorry your mother hated the ALF she tried. What were the main issues, and how long ago was this?
You feel guilty if you so much as *think* about alternative care options. Oh dear! - because that is not a good start to the research you need to do. Really, would just finding out what options are available locally be an Evil Thing to do?
If she can afford a 24/7 caregiver now, it may help so you can get to work fast to find the home that'll work best for her ~ long term ~ so you can get her moved there quickly. You'll have an easier time selling the townhome without her in it, too (think of the "showings," and all the things needed to size down). If she can't afford the 24/7, and you can or have to pitch in, repay yourself from the townhome profits so you're not short when you're older and need help.
Try not to think of it as a mistake having bought the townhome or feel guilty. So many of us are on a learning curve in these matters, and learn as we go. You hoped it would work ~ or at least longer; it didn't; now you must make necessary changes that help not only her but you. She can't make these decisions; and if she were thinking clearly, she wouldn't want you to be in this stress or feel guilt.
You might talk to an attorney about any possible asset protection re: the sale of the townhome if it's in her name so the care home best for her will utilize her VA benefits for care, and you may have money needed down the road for extras for her.
Good luck in whatever decision you make.
It may be that ur brother wud agree as well, but if he isn't helping enough with moms care, he shouldn't have a say. Please don't worry that your mother won't like the facility u pick, (elderly are selfish & don't realize ur life is compromised by her circumstances). Hope you can go forward & not feel bad about it. God sees ur heart to do right, but doesn't put burdens on us that we cannot bear. People may try to shame us, but God does not. Hope that helps you let go friend
With so much care being given, she sound like she might need a nursing home or even memory care depending on how advanced her dementia is. I think it is normal for you to feel bad about starting on this journey, but you HAVE to take care of yourself and let others take care of your mom. You have done A LOT for her.
So, push the guilt aside and allow yourself to be more realistic. Start looking at places, sell the townhouse and get her moved. It will take a while so don't procrastinate. I suggest you get the ball rolling now.