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She will not agree to move to where we live or where her oldest grandson lives, nor will she move into a retirement community in the city where she lives now. Now she has scheduled cataract surgery and wants my husband and me to come down to help her out. Her house reeks of mildew (I have posted about this previously), and we don't want to stay there so we would have to be in a hotel. Also, the weather could be a problem. We don't want to risk our necks on icy roads or end up stuck there for days on end. I'm really angry that she expects us to do this and stubbornly refuses to move out of her huge old house that is too big for her, needs constant repair, and eats up a lot of her money. I will feel guilty if we don't go, but I don't want to go. How can we convince her that it's time to move out of the house and either closer to us or into a retirement community? She is 87 years old.

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I would not even pay an inspector. Ask a good looking younger male friend to help you out. Get him a white coat or some kind of uniform and make up a photo ID which in big letters which hopefully she can read says something like HOME REMEDIATIONS. Make a list of the things you know are wrong with the house. Old lead plumbing, knob and tube wiring. Damage from termites or carpenter ants. leak in the roof, rotting windows, overgrown yard, hiding places for rats and raccoons. Furnace and hot water heater over ten years old with signs of rust. Water pressure tank rusting and could burst soon. Septic tank needs pumping, septic field water logged. Well pump could go any time.. If its city water the pipe from the street may be lead or the sewer pipe may be cracked or full of tree roots. Take lots of pictures of suspect things and suggest because of lead paint and asbestos remediation she has to move out for at least three months while the work is done. Hint heavily that some items are code violations and/or "inspector has to report them to Code Enforcement.
Find an apartment ahead of time so she does not try and move in with you for the duration.
If she won't agree to the work being done or she can't afford it the house can be sold "as is" and someone will buy it and fix it themselves. Get her to watch a few episodes of "Flip or Flop" on HGTV so she gets the idea. Make sure you find a charming young man as your "Inspector" one who can charm the socks off old ladies. He can even bring a small gift.
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Make her move. Pay an inspector to show the house is in need of major renovations and she can't live there. Tell her there is a gas leak or whatever yo need to tell her to get her to move. Sometimes you have to tell a little white lie to protect her.
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Well, my husband talked to her this evening, and a friend of hers agreed to come over and help her. Thank heaven that is settled. However, in the future, she needs to move out of that big house and either move into a seniors community or closer to family. We can't keep doing this.
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Is your MIL capable of administering the frequent post-surgery eye drops herself?

My mother had cataract surgery a few years back, and because she said she couldn't administer her own drops (she doesn't see out of one eye and has horrible depth perception), I had to go over to her condo multiple times a day to administer the eye drops (3 or 4x/day). If that is still the procedure, home health would have to go over there multiple times a day (or else stay the entire day). Just something to consider.
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Well she called my husband this evening trying to persuade him to drive there (both of us) for her cataract surgery. She told fibs, as usual. She claims she asked her doctor and the doc didn't know any agencies or anyone who could help her out. She also said that we must be talking about it together and have decided we don't want to come - this is code for it's my fault. According to her, everything is my fault.
My husband stood his ground, and tomorrow he going to call her and offer to call her doctors and/or home health agencies to see if he can line up help for her. Time to call her bluff.
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Aha! Thanks jjariz. We were all wondering what was going on. Apparently she doesn't realize this is happening, because she leaves it there, and someone else has to clean up the mess. Yuck. She gets is all over the seat, even the back part of it.
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"I should ask a new question on this topic, but does anyone else have an elderly female relative who pees all over the toilet seat, even the back of it? We are still figuring out how and why my MIL does this."

She bends her knees, but before she can sit down, the urine flow begins. The elderly have all types of problems with bladder/bowels.
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If she is still competent, she has the right to make decisions over her life, even if they are poor decisions. You have the right to make decisions over your life, including not running to her rescue because she makes poor decisions. But there are consequences either way.
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Windyridge, I agree, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way around here. My husband just lets things happen and puts off any kind of action as long as possible. In the past, he would let her say anything, wouldn't say anything at the time, and then just do nothing. It all seems to fall on me.
I still feel guilty about not going, but I don't know why. I guess because she is 87 and lives alone. I know, I know... it's her choice to stay there.
At any rate, we are not going, and we haven't heard anything from her since we told her that. We still expect "the call" where she tells my husband how awful we are. *sigh*
BTW, maybe I should ask a new question on this topic, but does anyone else have an elderly female relative who pees all over the toilet seat, even the back of it? We are still figuring out how and why my MIL does this.
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You need to have a little “Come to Jesus Meeting “ with hubs. And then he needs to have one with mommie dearest.

This is his responsibility, not yours. Mommy needs to have some new ground rules.

Even though she doesn’t have dementia at her age stubbornness increases and judgement decreases. No one will change her or be able to reason with her.

And don’t move her in with you. One of two things will happen. She will have a fall or medical crisis and/or the local authorities will force her to move due to the mold.

Don’t spent your money on her house or care.If she’s broke, sell The house as is and get her on Medicaid.

Sorry to sound so hardass but I’ve been watching my parents do this same thing for over 5 years.  My wife is very understanding and supportive but she’s not about to take on the care of my parents.  That’s my job and I totally accept that.
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Thanks everyone. 97yearoldmom, I'll check out that book. Thanks for the tip. My MIL refuses to believe there even is mildew in her "perfect" house, so she would never let anyone clean it. I also think at this point, it's so bad that it will take more than a good cleaning to eliminate it. Our daughter thinks everything will have to be ripped out down to the studs.
I will ask her (if she's still speaking to us) if she wants us to call her to remind her about the drops. I'm sure she will give us the cold shoulder, but at least we will have made the effort. She only wants help on her terms. She will often tell us how wonderful other people are at helping her, but when my husband offers to do something, she tells him not to bother. Then later she tells him how awful and ungrateful he is for this, that, or the other. Example: When her mother was ill with cancer, my husband flew up to see her before she died. When my husband's grandmother died, he was asking his mom about flying to a distant city for the funeral. His mother told him not to go to the expense, because he had already come up to visit her when she was ill. Years later, when my husband's mother was ticked off at us, she said, "You never even came to your grandmother's funeral and everyone asked where you were." This is the kind of crap we deal with in our relationship with her.
If I had any advice for young ladies, it would be never to marry an only child, because you will be taking care of your aging in-laws.
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Okay, not to be a Debbie Downer (apologies to all Debbies) but my dad had the surgery. Somehow when he went back for the follow up, his eye was in trouble and then he had to go to a hospital three hours away and have emergency surgery to save his sight. So things CAN go wrong. That was in this century so it does happen. Not sure what the solution is here but MIL does need supervision during this time. Her sight is very important I think we will all agree. Why not call the place where she is to have the cataract surgery and ask their advice? If you can't be trusted with the name of the doctor then all bets are off.
About the mildew. I discovered something black on an inside closet wall at my mothers one day. I freaked. I knew this was the discovery that would require her to move. Meanwhile I put on a mask, got the correct solution of clorox to water and washed the wall. It has never come back. That's been at least five years ago. Maybe more.
I sound like a broken record these days to anyone who reads my post but please Okiegranny, check out the book, 'Being Mortal' by Atul Gawande and soak up some really good advice on dealing with elders. Let us know how the surgery goes and what you decide to do.
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Apparently it is common for places that do cataract surgery to offer free transportation both ways. I hope your mother's clinic does!

I don't remember anyone asking if I had care waiting at home (or if I did for a day.) The complicated part of the drops is doing them on a set schedule. Then you have to start the schedule for the second eye before the first on is completely done. And each eye gets more than one type of drop. OMG! You need a chart to keep track (and the clinic helpfully gives you one.) Chart or no chart there is no way in his universe or any parallel universe that my husband could have managed his drops! I somehow managed mine, but I'm not sure I could do it again, and this age.

Your mother should arrange to have someone with her for at least the first day. Then, if you feel generous and willing, you could keep a copy of the chart and call her each time she should have drops. "OK, Mom, it is time for 2 drops from the yellow dropper, and one from the brown bottle. I'll wait on the phone while you do that. Let me know when you are done." Of course if she is feeling perverse she could tell you she did it right before you called, or wait a bit and tell you she just took them but she didn't. But assuming she wants the benefit of the procedure then giving her reminders might work. This goes on for a couple weeks for each eye, so it would be a big commitment to do the reminders. Maybe you and hubby could divide up the schedule. (I sure wish someone had called me with reminders!)

This would be a way to assure MIL that you want the best for her health, and at the same time reinforce the message that you are not at her beck and call to come to her.
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I don't know if her eyes can wait until spring, because (according to her) her cataracts are so thick and hardened that they are putting pressure on her eyes (not sure how that works). She already has to use drops to relieve the pressure, but she insists she doesn't have glaucoma. She always to refuses to accept that anything can be wrong with her. Her life must appear to be perfect. Plus we never know when she is giving us a straight story.
My husband will have a job through the end of April, so we would not be free until then. We can't keep doing this, though. She needs to move to where we are, where our oldest son lives, or into a retirement center in the city where she lives now.
I hope the doctor can connect her to someone like a visiting nurse or caregiver to do her drops for her. She is really bad at doing them herself. Of course, it they report the awful mildew, so be it. It's time for her to let go of her giant house.
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It is not to just pick up and delivery needed but some one to stay with her for 24 hours after the surgery. if she does not have someone lined up they will refuse to do the surgery.
if she is capable of putting in the drops it is no big deal just a nuisence.
The surgery is very quick and painless (I was terrified) She won't be allowed to drive for at least a week after each surgery. I could see well enough straight away but you need the surgeon's OK. maybe putting it off till the Spring could be another idea if you would be prepared to help then.
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Good advice here so far! Set your boundaries. It sounds great that you have a good reason not to drive that far. My 75 year old mother had cataract surgery this year and made the biggest deal out of it. She whined that she had to put in eye drops by herself for the weeks following the surgery and implied that I am not attentive enough to have driven over to her house a couple of times a day to put in the drops. The last thing I need is to adopt a dependent for the next 20 years. Oh, and the eye surgery center she went to offered free pick up and drop off which I was very grateful that my mother chose to do.
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The cataract surgeon will require her to have someone there to drive her home. They may ask her who is going to help her when she gets home.
APS is definitely the way to go. Be aware, though, that if they find significant mold in her home they may be required to report it. Mold abatement (necessary to eventually sell the house) isn't cheap.
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Give her the gift of figuring out what she needs to do after the cataract surgery. As she ages she is going to need more care. APS =Adult Protective Services.
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Well, here we go. I looked at the forecast, and it predicts snow the day and night before her surgery for our area and for where my MIL lives, so my husband called her and told her we won't be able to make it. We told her to ask her eye doctor to help her make arrangements for help at home or ask someone in her mega-church (they have all kinds of helping programs). She got all huffy and told us she would decide for herself what to do and then abruptly ended the conversation. At least my husband got in a "Don't get mad at me, you're the one who has decided to live that far away" line before she got off the phone. This is after he drove a total of 16 hours to bring her to our house for Thanksgiving and take her back home afterwards.

We know what's coming next... she will call and unload on my husband for all the bad things he supposedly has done over the last decades (many of which are lies) and tell him how ungrateful he is. One year she thought we hadn't gotten her a Christmas present (even though she always tells us not to get her anything, and we had gotten her something, it just hadn't arrived yet) and unloaded on him telling him she told all her friends that her only son didn't get her anything for Christmas. I'm so sick of this crap.
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Jeanne, you'll have to forgive me. I'm tech challenged and I didn't realize my profile says I am caring for someone with Alzheimer's. I'm not sure how that got there. No, as far as we know, my MIL doesn't have any dementia. She is just stubborn and being unrealistic. We have tried to get her to get a medical alert device and a cell phone, and she won't do either one. She keeps saying she will think about it. Right....
The mildew is horrible, but for whatever reason, it doesn't seem to affect her health. She has no breathing problems at all. When we bring up the mildew problem, she ignores us. There was even black mildew or mold on some of the wallpaper, and she claimed it was just dirt.
She is very thin and seems somewhat frail, but she never shares anything with us, so I don't know about her overall health.
We thought about writing a letter to her doctor (we aren't exactly sure we know the right name, and, of course, she wouldn't tell us), so it might be a shot in the dark
I do appreciate everyone's input. You all are so kind and helpful.
BTW, I'm not sure what APS is?
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Wow, I have to start getting up earlier if I want to give any good advice!

These three ladies have said it all! You say "no, no can do, grandma; it's too dangerous for us. You'll have to hire someone local".

And DO call APS. Someone with  authority is going to have to take the reins here.

Good luck!
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Does MIL have a medical alert button? Does she carry a cell phone with her at all times? Either/both of those can ensure she isn't found for days after a fall. And, of course, she can fall if she lives close to you, or in a retirement community, or in her own home. I'm not sure the fall issue is the most convincing one regarding moving. But that assumes she agrees to a med alert and/or the cell phone on her person.

Has anything been done about the mildew?

Have you contacted her doctor about your concerns?

Your profile says she has dementia. Is that a medical diagnosis or based on your observation? A person beyond the very early stage of dementia should not live alone. I doubt that a retirement community would be sufficient for long if she has dementia. Some kind of care center would be more appropriate -- perhaps assisted living.

I wonder if calling APS would be appropriate at this point (especially if she has dementia.) You can explain that you fear she is vulnerable because of her age and also some cognitive decline, and you are worried about the health risks of her environment. And you can mention that she will be having cataract surgery and no one to help her with drops after she gets home. They will investigate.

It is really difficult and frustrating to want to help someone who doesn't want help, isn't it?
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Wow, I don't know why, but I thought people would tell me I should just suck it up and go. Must be my own perception that I am a bad person if we don't go. I have told her if she falls and isn't discovered for a while, it could mean she might spend days in agony or end up in a nursing home for the remainder of her years. That happened to a great aunt of mine. She had a stroke and wasn't found for 2 or 3 days. She survived but spent the rest of her life in a nursing home unable to do anything for herself.
Thanks very much for your replies. I hope my husband and I have the fortitude to use tough love. I agree, freqflyer, it's not so easy for us at our age to do what she asks of us. We aren't spring chickens either.
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OkieGranny, just because Mom-in-law wants to maintain her lifestyle doesn't mean that you and her son have to change your own. I can understand your guilt about not wanting to be there when she has eye surgery, but you need to look out for your own safety.

A team of wild horse wouldn't not make my Mom budge from the house she shared with my Dad. Dad, bless his heart, would pack immediately to move to senior living. He was tried trying to maintain the house. I even brought home brochures of really nice resort looking retirement villages... Mom pretty much said she was too young to move there. Earth to Mom, you and Dad are in your 90's. Oh well.

I really believe our parents still view us as just the "kid" and what do we know.... and also view us being in our 20's and 30's with a lot of energy to help. My own Mom just couldn't understand why I would be having my own age related declines. Hello, I am a senior citizen, too. Who is going to pick ME up off the floor when I can't get up???

You and hubby will have to do what many of us here needed to do.... wait for a serious medical emergency. Sadly Mom won't get to choose where she lives if she needs rehab and nursing home care. It will be where ever there is an open bed.
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Tell her you cannot go - she will make other arrangements. when it gets to be too difficult for her to live in her house - she will be forced to make decisions. Her bad decisions (not to move) do not have to force you and your husband into something you do not want (staying with her)
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