My mother who is 85 and as obvious signs of Alzheimer's is drinking herself to death on a daily basis. Everyday she looks worse and can't remember anything . My stepfather who has cheated on her their whole marriage is facilitating her drinking and encouraging it. He wants nothing more than for her to either die or to become a capacitated so that he can take off to another woman and another life with all of their money. Just killing me to watch this . I am a guest in their home so when I speak up she actually defends him and threats to throw me out if I don't stop. So I'm being threatened for simply trying to save her life. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do.
Do you have any allies that are aware of the situation outside the home?
You can quietly continue “case building” for when circumstances take a turn for the worse.
I certainly would if I were in your shoes.
You could also call and try speaking to a social worker at your County Area of Aging to see if they can talk to Mom to maybe go to the doctor.
I’m sorry that you are witnessing this , I don’t think much will change until an emergency .
Would you consider moving out ?
Maybe other’s will post better options .
Have you confronted him privately and not in front of your mother? If so, what does he say?
And of course alcohol itself when drank in excessive amounts affects ones memory dementia or not. Add the fact that you believe your mother is showing signs of dementia and it is a recipe for disaster.
Your stepfather may very well be ready for this marriage to be over, but then he should just divorce her instead of waiting for her to drink herself to death. I mean really.
The only thing you can do at this point is start attending Al-Anon meetings which are for family members of alcoholics. I'm sure your city has many of them every week. They are very helpful.
You possibly could try calling APS and reporting a vulnerable alcoholic adult being enabled intentionally by her husband, but your mother may just stick up for him if they were to come out to investigate. But it may be worth a try.
You will also want to start planning your future and where you'll be living when your mother dies as you already know that he won't allow you to keep living in his home once she's gone.
She is an adult, it is her choice to drink or not to drink.
I would be more concerned about what is going to happen to you after she dies, he certainly is not going to take care of you.
Might be time to start planning for your future.
When someone chooses alcohol over family, over life, there is little to be done about it. And given the desperation we seem to have as human beings to "escape life", it's an option. When your Mom is drunk she doesn't care that she's aging in place with a man she doesn't even much like. She has a best friend. It's alcohol. It's her choice.
You need to get on with your life. Let your Mom know you are there if she needs you, and stop talking about her drinking. Give her the number for AA meetings near her, and move. That would be my advice. I am sorry. I have watched, over my 81 years, many alcoholics make this choice. My dear brother's last partner spent his last six years with severe alcoholic encephalopathy, trying to steal listerine and other mouthwashes in his ALF. It's very sad. But some cannot escape it.
You cannot have your Mother's recovery for her.
You aren't responsible for her happiness.
You must stop wanting her to be someone she never was and will never be -- unless she voluntarily and consistently chooses sobriety.
May you gain clarity, wisdom and strength, and receive peace in your heart as you enforce a necessary boundary.
I hope you can stop being their guest and go somewhere else. This is truly out of anyone else's hands.
Sorry this is happening to you.
As for you just trying to save her life. Come on. Your mother is an alcoholic. You're not going to get her into recovery at her age. It's amazing that she can still drink at her age. So let her enjoy her booze and whatever time she has left.
I know it's hard to have an alcoholic in your life and to watch someone drink themselves to death. My first husband was an alcoholic. He died young. At 85, I think we can say your mother beat the game.
Your step-father is her husband. It is his right to decide what he does with their assets when she dies. The same applies for if he died. If she has a Will then you and whatever siblings you have will inherit whatever is stated in it.
Seriously though, you should take MeDolly's advice and start planning for your furture. Your step-father does not have to let you stay in the home and he owes you nothing.
Take some steps on your own behalf and make plans.
B. Unless she has a guardian - which can be decided in a court of law - very expensive and will need two doctors stating that she is incapable of making her own decisions.
C. Call Adult Protective Services - see what they can do regarding her situation.
D. Above all pray!
Here'a virtual offering that includes recovery and mental health; if finances permit, you're 135 miles away.
P.S. You can always request a welfare check by the Adult Protective Services (https://www.myflfamilies.com/services/abuse/adult-protective-services).
Every alcoholic or addict has an enabler. Your mother's husband is also getting something from the dynamic, whatever it may be. It's a destructive relationship but you are not going to be able to break the bond between them. Let them have it.
It's time to do some soul searching of your own. You may be co-dependent. It's easy to let someone's addiction take over your life because you think you can save them from themselves. You can't.
Here's a good article on de-dependency.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-codependency-5072124
Your mother has chosen her path and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to put a stop to it.
I come from a family of addicts and alcoholics and I've seen it all. The only thing that I have not seen is the addict being convinced against their will to get help.
If I could have saved my favorite aunt, who was addicted to benzos, or my twin brother, addicted to benzos and alcohol, or my ex-husband, addicted to alcohol, I would have, but it's impossible.
Their "love interest" killed them.
My brother's doctor once told me, as I was wringing my hands over his condition, "It's his addiction. You need to let him have it." I'll never forget that - it seemed harsh - but it was the truth.
So, my advice is to let your mother have her addiction and her marriage, toxic as it may be. If you want a healthy life, you need to move out of the unhealthy environment.
If your alcoholic mother drinks as much as you say she does, her obvious signs of Alzheimer's may not be that at all. She could very well have wet brain. It's happens. My ex-husband had it.
The best thing for you is to just leave them alone and move out.
If what you are saying is occurring and you can provide proof that this is an unsafe environment for your mother and that her husband is facilitating her decline I do not think a Judge will deny the application for Guardianship.
It is daunting, it can be expensive (mom's assets would pay the costs though) and there is a lot of paperwork.