My mother recently lost her husband and shouldn't need to live alone. Do I pass up a job offer after being unemployed for over a year?

This is a very difficult decision. While, it's very noble of one to help a loved one, it also has disadvantages. Will you find another job? Will your relationship stay strong? Is it short term or long term?

How about something that can be good for both of you, like hiring a professional caregiver companion, or Independent or assisted living place. This way she has people to be with her, while you can continue your endeavors. And you can visit her, plus live your life.

The fact that you mother is newly widowed does not equate to needing a live-in adult child.

Are you independently wealthy and able to support yourself through YOUR old age without ever working again?

What are your mother's care needs? What are her resources for getting them met?

Those are the questions that the three of you should sit down and discuss, perhaps with input from mom's doctor.

The Area Agency on Aging can also be useful in providing a "needs assessment" to identify mom's needs.

Dont do it. Take that job and tell your sister if she is that worried about mom she can move in with her and forget about helping her daughter and new grandbaby. After all mom is more important than your sisters daughter and baby. Bet she would say no real quick but she is asking you to give up your life and an income to care for your mother.

Funny how selfless people are with other people's lives.

I can't tell you what to do.

I can tell you I regret passing up a work opportunity that I declined to assist a family member instead. Well no. I don't regret it - it was a learning experience... The family member later said "I need help - I don't care who does it".

I regret (a little bit) it took me so long to work out my needs were valid too.

If it were me, I would take the job. You may not receive another offer. How would it benefit you to move in with your mom? You will still be unemployed, and the arrangement may not work out the way you would hope. Then what? There's no doubt that she will grieve your dad's passing, that she will be lonely, that she will feel a piece of her is missing, but these are all "normal" emotions after such a devastating loss. It will take a while, many months or even years, for her to finally accept his death and begin to live a life of her own.

You say your mother is in good health and can live independently. That may be one solution. An independent living facility could offer her the opportunity to socialize, forget about house cleaning and meals, and participate in activities. Another option would be to bring in a home helper a few times a week for a few hours to provide help in running the house, or just to socialize to reduce the loneliness. Eventually, because of her failing eyesight, she may need an assisted living facility. I lost my wife of 52 years three years ago. As a recovering widower, some loneliness persists, but the grief is gone, and although my life lacks her presence, and always will, I've adapted and it's “almost” normal. A book titled “Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse”, Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge, is an excellent resource.

I know this decision is wearing on you, but you can't live your life for others. It may sound like the honorable thing to do, but it's not practical.

No you don't give up your life or job opportunity to move in with your mom. Just because she's newly widowed doesn't mean she needs a live in babysitter. For crying out loud, give your mom some credit here. If she's in basically good health, she may just enjoy now having time to herself to do with what she wants, if she wants and when she wants.
I'm sure your mom doesn't want you giving up your hopes and dreams for her, so don't give it another thought. If your sister is so concerned, tell her she can move in with her, and not look after her new grandchild. I'm willing to bet good money that she wouldn't give up her life to do it either.
If mom gets lonely she can always move into an assisted/independent living facility, or even just a senior community, where she will be around folks her own age and have plenty to do.
Now go live your life, with no regrets, and have fun!

I was happy to read all the advice given here. Being a widow is something every married person realizes they may have to experience in their lifetime. Definitely she needs support. She may find support in her community and meet other widows. She may decide the house is lonely and take in a roommate. She may need a caregiver or companion. Keep an eye on her. Make sure she's not depressed and is getting out. Research available transportation and community services. It's not your job to put your life on hold for her and you may not get another chance for work later.

Take the job. Other arrangements can be made for your mother so she doesn't have to live alone.

Live-in or hourly paid companion service.
Moving into senior housing in a senior community
Relocating to where you are living
Getting room mates or boarders to move into mom's house. Kind of like a 'Golden Girls' scenario

These are suggestions that could work for your family and don't not involve you passing up the job you finally got or sacrificing the new relationship you found. Please, don't pass it all up to move back in with your mother.
Your sister and maybe even other family members who live nearby to mom will try to persuade you. They'll use sneaky tactics too. Like guilt-tripping and shaming. Your mom is fine and independent now. She's elderly though. Your sister is laying the ground work now for you to become the future designated caregiver. She wants to make sure none of that burden ever falls on herself or her adult kids. Other family members who could possibly get caught on the caregiver hook will do the same to keep themselves off of it.
Please don't give up the new happy life you found and deserve to have.
Who pays your bills because you gave up the job to become a caregiver-in-waiting? Who will be companionship for you because your relationship becomes a long-distance one and it fails?
The answer to both questions is - No one.
My own life as caregiver to mom has been years of bitter disappointment, resentment, abuse, and penury.
Don't make the same mistake I did and fall into the designated caregiver position.

Excellent advice has already been given here. The only thing I would add is that if it's decided that your mother will have caregivers come in, it is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to pay for that just because you refuse your sister's request for you to live with your mother.

Keep us updated! From your post, we can tell that you do NOT want to move in with your mother. We can be your cheerleaders as you lay the groundwork to NOT let that happen!

You are at the crossroads. If you read questions on the Forum you will see the desperately unhappy posts of many who sacrificed their own lives to an elder who already had his or her life. They often end up terribly unhappy, overwhelmed, anxious, and ultimately without a home a job or a family of themselves. Some are in such desperate straits that they are advised to go to a homeless shelter at the age of 40s or 50s and try to work up from bed, to room in someone else's home, to a small apartment. They have no family and they have no savings. They were never paid for the care and the elder often spent decades angry at them, confused, and unhappy.
I suggest that the family get together now and speak with Mom. Support her well as you are able until the time comes, if it comes, that she cannot maintain herself in her home.
And by the way, grab that job. If you need counseling to sort this out it is Licensed Social Workers who are especially trained to help with "life transitions" work often enough. They will help you comb out what you "job in life" is now. And what options are available now and in future to your Mom. Remember, you have your own life. Your Mom and Dad already had theirs. They would not want you to sacrifice yourself on some altar for them I am betting (I am hoping). Many elders don't have ONE child, let alone several to help them negotiate their elder years.

Moving in so Mom won't be alone is not a good excuse. Mom needs to get used to being alone. It happens to most woman. If her house is too much, then she needs to downsize. Really, you are not giving Mom time to adjust. Being single is like being retired or a stayvat home Mom, everyone thinks you have time.

Tell sister, sorry, I finally found the perfect job and I need to get back to work. Willing to help but cannot move in. If she doesn't like it, oh well. Is sister babysitting while daughter works? If not, she has time for Mom. If so, she can take baby to see Mom and check up on things. In the end, the baby is daughters. When she is home, she cares for her child not Mom.

Take the job.

JOB. JOBJOB. J-O-B.

Your mother's only option is NOT to have you move in with her, which rarely works out in the long run! Just b/c she's a widow does not mean YOU have to give up your life. She can stay put, she can move into Senior Independent Living where she'll be able to socialize with lots of other elders in the exact same position, she can advertise for a roommate, or about a dozen other things. Just b/c your sister thinks it's your duty to move in with your mother does not make it a good idea, either. Why doesn't SHE move in with mother if it's such a necessity? Because she's taking care of a grandbaby? That's a flimsy excuse if ever I've heard one. It's b/c she doesn't want to, that's why. So she's laying it on thick with YOU, as if it's your duty & obligation, which it isn't.

Please take the new job offer, get your life on track, pursue the new relationship, stay on track with your newly completed rehab program (which includes self-care), and move on with your life. Go visit mom as often as you can, and leave it at that. Don't think of it as 'selfish' or any such thing, either...........just think of it as living YOUR life and allowing your mother to live HERS.

Best of luck!

Your job is not to replace Dad, much as your sister would like. Take the job and stay put.

Your mom has entered a new phase of her life, much as you are about to with the job. We all go through phases in our lives, and we learn to adapt to them. I realize Mom's phase is extraordinarily difficult, but she's not the first widow in the world, nor will she be the last. It isn't your job to shelter her from it and prevent her from feeling anything. Unless she's seriously infirm and truly can't live alone -- in which case you make a decision that doesn't require you to sacrifice your life -- she actually deserves the right to have this difficult experience as much as a happy experience. It's all what makes a life.

What do you want to do?

That is what you should do, period.

Nobody can volunteer your life to prop someone up, you must willingly go or suffer the fallout from sacrificing your life against your will.

Support her in every way you can. Phone calls, send flowers, hire a cleaner, weekend visits. work out a mutual plan with your sister ..anything you can think of to help her with this difficult transition. Anything you can do while maintaining your health and well-being.

But you take the job, you have that relationship, you live your life.

You say you would be putting your dreams on hold.. no you wouldn't, you would be giving them up. I have put so many things on hold in my life, the right time never comes again.

Starlight - what would it look like if you moved in with your mother?

I have read posts from many who didn't have a job and moved in with the parent(s), and these are some of the things that happened to them:

After they moved in, they survive solely on the parent's social security and pension. They take care of the parents and feel trapped as they can't move out because they don't have any money.

In their siblings' view, they are getting to live rent free and getting free food, so they are getting a 'good' deal. The siblings don't know and don't care how difficult it is to take care of the parents and lose their lives and their independence. They get to stay home to take care of the parents for years on end while their siblings take vacation after vacation. Life is passing them by.

When the parent has to go to a nursing home and if the parent owns a house, the siblings want them to move out right away so that the house can be sold and proceed used to pay for nursing home costs. So now, they find themselves homeless, jobless and penniless. Since they were out of the workforce for so long, they no longer have the skills or the confidence to get a decent job.

Don't let this fate fall on you.

Sympathies for the loss of your dad (if he was your dad, otherwise, stepdad.)

"My mother recently lost her husband and shouldn't need to live alone."

Need? Who came up with that? Sister? As others have said, she isn't the first widow, she won't be the last. It happens. For sure it is a tough adjustment, but it will work itself out.

Just because you are single and have been unemployed doesn't mean you have to give up everything because mom is now alone. Did anyone give up time and money to live with you, while you were struggling?

There's no mention of ages for you or your mother. Since you have been offered a job, it isn't likely you are close to retirement. One of the worst things about giving up a job and taking on full time care for someone is you end up jeopardizing your own future. No income. Less SS. Less ability to save for your own future needs. Some think inheritance, but all too often anything that might be left goes to all the kids. If/when she needs more care, a facility can drain anything that is left very quickly! NEVER should anyone count on inheritance (unless the family is loaded, which isn't the case for most of us!)

Why does daughter need help? She's an adult, she should be caring for her own child. Sure, I sometimes relied on my parents when I needed childcare, in a pinch. Despite being a single mom, I ensured my kids were cared for and had a place to go while I worked. As someone said, that has to be the lamest excuse ever heard!

Something else to ask - what does mom have to say about any of this? It seems to be all sister saying what needs to be done. Perhaps mom is okay. Perhaps she needs her time alone to process it all and figure out where she goes from here? It certainly doesn't sound like she needs a babysitter!

Don't abandon mom, like sister seems to be doing, but that doesn't require moving in with her. Visit with her, have her come visit you, take her out on occasion, encourage her getting out (esp now with things opening up and vaccines available) and being active in the community. Sister can visit or have mom visit too. Caring for a baby doesn't require anyone to be isolated and not visit family. It isn't even her baby, so being retired SHE has time on her hands!

"I’ve had such a hard time finding a job..."
TAKE IT! There may not be another offer for a long time, and at some point there won't be any, at least not any good ones.

"I don’t want to sound selfish or uncaring..."
NOT. It's about being self-sufficient. You CAN still care about her and help her. It just doesn't require giving up everything to do it. Again, your mother doesn't sound like she needs a babysitter (she might actually resent it, who knows unless you ask?)

"I’m so anxious to get my life back on track..."
And you should. It does NOT mean abandoning mom, but sister's plan is HER plan, not yours. Take the job. Have the relationship. Help mom and be there for her when she needs you, but right now that isn't a full time job and it doesn't pay!

Dad passed in 2008 and my mother lived alone for at least 8 years before dementia required changes. Over 50 years together. She was over 90 by then. She didn't need me to move in (thankfully!!!)

Take the job. Work on that relationship. You NEED to be a whole person, not someone in the shadows. Talk with mom about her options, but don't include one of you moving in with her. Hiring some help or a companion, if she needs/wants it. You and sister chipping in to assist a day or two here and there. Yes, SHE should be able to give some of her time as well. Don't hold your breath about that though. You can't make her help, but she also isn't your puppet master - she can't dictate your life either. Moving to IL or AL. There are many options available. Giving up your life and future should not be one of them.

Take the job! Enjoy your new relationship. Make a plan with mom for any assistance she needs and work visits and outings into your schedule.

How old is your mother? My mom was widowed at 76 and became legally blind a year later and nobody in my family ever even considered that one of us should move in with her (and certainly not her either). We weren't heartless, we helped her to make these two major adjustments to her life as best as we could - I visited weekly to help out with shopping and outings, she signed up for Lifeline so that we knew she could summon help if needed, she took advantage of low vision resources available from the CNIB, and she relied on a caregiving agency to help with household tasks. Mom lived independently until she was in her 90's.

Why can your mother not live alone? If she requires care, then she should move into assisted living.

Learn about boundaries and learn to say "no" full stop.

Take your new job, enjoy your new relationship and let Mum stretch her wings and discover what it is like to live on her own terms.

Take the job, don’t accept any guilting for your choices, care for your mother in ways other than living with her, and care for yourself

SO's parents are paying over $170K for two people--one SIL and one an indy--to provide 24/7 assistance. The night indy has a bed there that's provided for the job.

There are also parents all around here who have successfully persuaded someone--usually a single son--to move in and help out while they allow him to stay and eat for "free."

Are you really expected to have NO income and do it for free, literally, at your house 24/7?

You’ll be putting your dreams on hold for 50 years.

If you want to end up jobless, husband less, homeless, and eventually a 24/7 caregiver…with no vacations…oh .right, all your “vacation “ plans will be only with your mother.

TAKE THE JOB!!! MARRY YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!

Help your mother downsize & move to independent living apartment….that can later on graduate to assisted living.

Please don’t ruin your life. Tell your sister to take care of your mother if she’s so concerned.

I’m 62 and my mother is 94 with dementia. She didn’t always have dementia…or have incontinence or immobile 30 years ago..but we were lonely & stayed together…I never married & my “career “ got put on hold too. Oh & btw, my mother needed assistance because she developed vision problem in her 60s …my father passed away 29 years ago. …& here I am still home with my mother.
DON’T MAKE MY MISTAKE!!!!
HUGS 🤗

As hard as it sounds absolutely not go for your dream job as you will only resent your mum in the end it’s very stressful living with someone old and takes a toll on your health please think of yourself for a change and hopefully the family will respect your wishes my mum was in the same situation a few years back and begged me to live with her as she didn’t want to be on her own I stood my ground as I knew it wouldn’t work and I’m glad she is ok on her own now they get used to living alone hope it all works out for you but please don’t turn down your job it’s hard enough to get them nowadays good luck x

In addition to all of the other comments here, if you don’t work, you don’t pay into any type of retirement plan or SSA. How are you support yourself when it’s time for you to retire? Will your mother and your sister have assets enough to support you when you need to support yourself and your mother is no longer around?

Your sister can ask you to move home to live with mom, but she has no right to expect you to give up your life. You don't have to put your life on hold. Keep the job, pursue the relationship. You, your mom and sister should get together and determine what mom's needs are. As she is fairly healthy, can home aids come in to assist your mother with what she is unable to do at least until it is determined what mom needs are? Maybe mom would benefit moving to a community - such as IL or AL. Some IL communities include 2 or 3 meals with their benefits. She will be able to make friends with others of her age and have activities to pursue.

How far away do you live from your mom and sister? Can you visit weekends - or some weekends to keep mom company - especially while decisions are pending on what is best for mom?

The questions I don’t see you asking are: Does your mother want you to move in with her? Does she need someone to live with her?

An adult child is not a substitute for a spouse. Her life and relationships changed when her husband died, and you moving in cannot un-change that.

When my father passed away, my mother discovered there was a whole support network of widowed friends in the area who came together and helped and provided companionship to each other. They were of the same generation, shared the same life experiences, and the same types of things they enjoyed, which an adult child would not share. Your mother may discover the same. Grief needs time, so please don’t rush life changes on either her or you.

Why shouldn't your mother live alone? Unless she can't then AL would be a better solution. Do not sacrifice your life for her. Who will take care of you when you have nothing left? Build your life. Assist your mom when you can, but do not give up your life for her.

Take the job. Enjoy your relationship. Do not be bullied into doing this for your sister. If your mom NEEDS assistance that her hubby was providing, then she may need in home help or to live in a facility of some sort. You are allowed to live your life. You and your sister can work together to find other solutions that do not entail you giving up your life to be a caregiver. Unless, for some reason, that's what you really, really want to do. Otherwise, no is a valid answer.