My wife is 65, I am 66. Since she had a heart attack about 6 years ago, she has had trouble realizing that we are at home. This has gotten worse recently and she will say, “I want to get out of here, take me home.” I will tell her that we are at home (our huose since 1985). She will say, “You know what I mean.” I will ask her where she thinks we live and she will say “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.” If I try to point out to her that all our mail comes here and that all our bills are paid here but it makes no difference. She will demand to be taken to our “home” and I don’t know what to say or how to handle it. She seems so intelligent in other ways and is up to date on the news but this one thing (along with needing questions like when our son gets home from work answered repeatedly) causes endless problems. She has had diabetes since she was 12 and hates doctors which makes it hard to suggest or get her any kind of diagnosis or treatment. If I tell her to speak to one of her sons, her brothers or her elderly (93) but still on the ball mother about where we live she will say that everyone is ganging up on her or will suggest that I have poisoned them against her. I need a strategy to handle this as it seems to be getting worse.
My husband did this, early in his dementia. I was new at caregiving and hadn't learned yet to go along with his delusions. He'd tell me he wanted to go home. I'd explain that we were home. I'd point to items in the room and we'd had a long time. "This is the crystal candy dish we bought at that nice antique store in Hopkins." "Look at all these scrapbooks with pictures of us and the kids. They wouldn't be here if this wasn't our house." And he'd agree with every point I made. And then he'd ask if I would help him go home.
Fast forward nine years. He didn't have such delusions often except when he was especially tired or sick. And I knew a whole lot more about handling them. One evening he walked through the kitchen toward the garage door. I asked him where he was going. He was going to catch a bus to go home. I looked at the clock.
"Oh, the last bus has already left for the day! What do you need to do at home?"
"I am so tired! I just want to go to bed."
"I'm sorry there are no more buses, but I know a nice place where you can sleep, and then we'll look at the bus schedule tomorrow."
"Oh. Are you sure?"
"Yes. Please lean against the counter here while I go get your wheelchair, and I'll take you there."
(pushing him in his wheelchair) "I'm really sure you are going to like this." (opening the door to our bedroom)
"Oh! This is great! It looks just like my bedroom at home."
"I'll help you get ready for bed."
I didn't scold him for walking around without his walker. We didn't argue about whether there was a bus station through our garage door. I certainly didn't try to convince him he was home. I just reassured him that he would get what he wanted. No conflicts. Happy ending.
Keep in mind that your goal is not to convince your wife of the "truth" but to help her feel comfortable and reassured, to promote harmony and avoid conflict.
"They are not done fixing the gas lines in the street so we can't go home yet. But aren't we lucky to have such a nice place to stay while we are waiting? ... I feel like having a root beer float, just like we do when we are home. Do you want one, too?"
The showing her bills and mail and asking her to talk to other people about her home is based on reason and logic. Apparently your dear wife is not capable of reason and logic at this point, at least on this subject.
Now I just tell her she will need to stay tonight because it too late to take her home and I’ll take her in the morning. I walk her to the bathroom and then when she is done in there I walk her to her bedroom and get her to dress for bed. Some days she is ok some times she cries and says she doesn’t want to stay. I tell her it will be ok and I will see her in the morning.
When my Mom was in long-term-care first was saying this I thought it was the house that she and my Dad shared. Then when my Mom asked if the cattle were out in the field, then I realized she was talking about her childhood home as that was the only home that was a farm.
Then my Mom [98] wanted to visit with her parents, same when she asked about her brother and all her sisters. Oh dear, I had to be quick on my feet to use a "theraputic fib" by saying "your parents are on a trip to the old country", "your sister Grace is on vacation", etc.
As you can see, other writers above have been using the same technique.
We always say that people with dementia/Alzheimer’s have a “broken brain”. Trying to reason with and explain things to them is like putting lipstick on the proverbial pig. It annoys the pig and really does no good. You are only frustrating yourself and upsetting your wife.
You, like most of us here, have been charged with the job of becoming a loved one’s caregiver. No, it’s not “fun”. People who flitter and flutter about how they’ve been so very graced by God to care for a confused, cantankerous, combative loved one, well...I want some of what they’re on. It’s your decision to accept this job. You can find an Alzheimer’s support group in your area. You can research the disease, talk to her doctor and friends who have spouses with the disease. Or, you can choose the even more difficult route of pretending she doesn’t have the disease in addition to her other health issues and keep trying to set her mind back on its track. If you chose the latter, you and your wife will continue to live with stress and frustration. Ask yourself, if the roles were reversed, how would she treat you?