Hi, thanks in advance for any perspective this group can offer.
I’m an early 40’s single male and live about 90 minutes from my mom. 10 months ago, my father passed away unexpectedly at 75. My mom and him had been together since grade school and did literally everything together, with my mom being responsible for very little.
I’m an only child and was very close with my dad but tended to clash with my mom. In retrospect, I can see that lot of the issue was resentment of her neediness to both him and me. Now that dad is no longer around, I’ve been trying to support my mom the best I can.
I’m struggling with the strong feeling of resentment for all I’ve been saddled with. I know this is immature, but the feelings are hard to fight none the less.
My mom is healthy but just never learned how to do anything. She has never put gas in a car or driven on the highway. She is unable to use the internet beyond email, so I handle all her finances, including managing several rental properties. I meet with her insurance agents, arrange contractors to work on her house, if it’s something I can’t do myself. She was so used to my dad doing everything, she can’t figure out the most basic things and relies on me to do it all, throwing up her hands in frustration and despair.
That work isn’t too big of a deal, but the emotional dependence is what really gets me down. I call her once or twice a day and I’m still listening to her cry about half the time, which is expected, given the loss but it’s just exhausting. She seems incapable of not just constantly telling me how much she misses my dad and how alone she feels. I’ve tapered down from spending 2-3 nights a week up there to once a week overnight visits but still feel like I’m neglecting her.
She constantly complains about not wanting to see her friends because they just remind her of my dad and they ‘don’t understand’, despite being very caring, good friends. She doesn’t like the neighbors who are also widowed.
Taking one weekend off is big deal and I usually get several calls with her crying saying it ‘would be nice if I would come up because she isn’t doing well and I’m her only family.
I want to help her as much as I can but there seems to be a dynamic where every minute, I spend living my own life is one spent hurting or neglecting her. I’ve basically resigned myself to never moving. I can’t take a job out of state or move for any reason, it would crush her. I even talked a little about taking few month-long RV trip some day and her reply was, “you better have room for me and the dogs”.
Personally, I would never, never, never want to stand in between my child and their dreams or desired life. If my kid wanted to move away or God forbid, take an extended vacation for whatever reason, I’d do my darndest to make sure they didn’t turn down any dreams or opportunities because of me.
Given I’m up there overnight one night every week, it’s difficult to juggle a career and social life. Every 6 days or so that I’m gone she starts to fall apart and then I need to pack and head up there to listen to her cry, and I come back just drained. One night a week doesn’t seem like that much but it’s basically my whole weekend or I take time off work, which is takes away from my career. When I get married, should my wife tolerate me being gone every weekend for no reason other than my mother is emotionally dependent? At some point she is going to really need help. It seems like my whole life will center around her needing me.
She wants to know everything about my relationships and just seems like she’s trying to make me into my dad and frankly, I just don’t want to be that close.
Is it unreasonable to want my mother to be able to function emotionally without me being there every weekend and spending an hour a day on the phone?
Or am I just being immature and need to man up?
Two women I know are similar. One is younger & moved from partner to partner, never ever being alone. The other has separation anxiety & needs constant human company. This is provided by spouse, but when he is unwell/absent, turns immediately to find an emotional support person as replacement.
Your Mom needs an emotional crutch. If you remain in this role to me, this will eat up your own life. Like if we all had a life circle, hers will absorb your own. You will become one circle. Living Mom's life.
This is why I had to stop being a caregiver for my sibling. Return my status to sibling.
I have no idea about your Mom's finances but if she can afford assisted living, this is what she needs. A fully made village, with other residents for company & staff to manage housekeeping, meals, transport for outings.
With a village around her, hopefully your Mom can become more independant in that smaller space.
PS maybe with some anti-anxiety meds too
“there seems to be a dynamic where every minute, I spend living my own life is one spent hurting or neglecting her”. My mother pulled this crap on me even before my father died. Where is it written that children are responsible for their parent’s happiness? My mother eventually pulled it together and learned to mostly live her own life (at least until her recent illness). Either your mom will find a way to move on or not. But it’s not your responsibility. You have a right to live your own life. Yes, you can support, console and help her. But don’t let it consume your life.
AL is probably out of the question. She still views herself as quite young and most of her friends are a decade younger. I’m fine managing her stuff (eventually, it will be mine) but it’s really the emotional dumping on me everyday and expectation I’ll spend every weekend or take days off work every week that builds the resentment.
We have always been quite close and honestly, I was up there every other week or so when my dad was alive, a lot of that was to see him though (he was pretty much my best friend), so it seems especially cruel to dial things back so fast in her time of need.
I’ve gotten her some depression treatment but she’s quite opposed to group therapy and even her one on one doesn’t seem to help.
She’s very sweet and was a great mom, so I def want to help but the expectation that I’m up there one of every seven nights and the multiple calls a day just seems like a bit much. At some point, I need to prioritize my own career so I don’t end up in a bad spot later. These are my prime earning years and who knows how much care and attention she will actually need in the coming years, so I need to get ahead while I can.
I try and be as compassionate as possible and will continue to, just trying to find a balance between making sure her needs are met and not being selfish.
I know many of you have it much worse, all my best to you all.
First, have her evaluated for depression. That's going to be kind of a no-brainer, if she acts like this is front of a dr.
A mild anti-depressant may help lift her moods enough that she can begin to see the big picture and start to heal.
Moving her to an ALF might be a great idea. She's young enough to still make friends and sounds like she NEEDS a cadre of them! You cannot be her 'all'.
She's being very picky about whom she will and won't interract with. Why not other widows? I have a group of friends and we all joke that we'll all wind up in the same ALF and it will be like HS all over again.
Maybe my generation is a little tougher? IDK.
My mom mourned my dad, and then pushed her way out of her mourning and into service projects, the Sr Center, joing a pool exercise group--she had something to 'do' everyday.
And she balanced her checkbook every month to the penny. Even at the end when she was 'foggy'.
Looking back, I am so proud of her for letting her grief not overwhelm her, and for not dumping that on us kids. To an extent, sure, but she had a LOT going on in her life, until the last couple years. I didn't appreciate how much she DID do, until I see my MIL playing the 'pretty princess' who can't dial a phone, change the TV channel or deal with any household repairs without falling to pieces. She had a mouse in her house a couple weeks ago and DH had to get up out of bed to go to her house to set a trap. He did NOT stay until said rodent was caught and she was crying and furious with him.
He came home and said "How many mouse traps have YOU dealt with in our married life?" (Probably 100, or more (we lived in the country).
Your mom can get better and you can help her, but ultimately, she needs to do the work.
Oh--and cut the phone calls down to a reasonable amount! Twice a day is too much!
Good Luck to you.
Is there an Adult Day Program near her?
Typically they would pick up in the morning and drop off in the afternoon. It would give her something to do a few days a week. A Senior Center would also have activities that she could get involved in.
Meeting new people that would get to know her as her and not as a part of a couple might help.
I know several people that feel uncomfortable getting together with friends that still have spouses. Even though they have known the couples for YEARS they feel like a "fifth wheel" or the "odd person out" and feel uncomfortable being a single in a group of pairs.
But your mom is going to have to learn to somewhat navigate as an individual.
A friend is going through this with h is mom. He had to teach his mom how to pump gas as well.
For her own safety she needs to learn some of these things.
She should also talk to her doctor, or if you have access to her Health Portal (I am sure she has not set one up so you could do it and communicate with her medical care team) Depression comes to mind or anxiety and medication and or a few sessions with a therapist might help.
Set aside a day every 2 weeks that you can come help her do some things that need to be done. Maybe if you are going 1 time a week gradually adjust it to 2 times a month then 1 time a month.
I also suggest looking into Independent Living or Assisted Living for her (whatever is best for the level of help or care she needs.)
Moving out of the house she shared with your dad for years will be difficult and a daunting task for both of you. It is also a bit early to make a major change like that. It is said you should not make any big changes for at least a year after the death of a loved one. So a move would be a big change. but it might be something that you could begin to discuss with her.
If she has friends where she is that she wants to reconnect with then a facility close might be easier, if she has no desire to keep the friendships up and has no connection with the area then moving closer to you might be an idea. (please note I said closer to you not in with you)
Cut back on the very long phone calls as well. She needs a therapist to cry on her shoulder instead of yours. It's been 10 months and it's time for her to put her big girl panties on. Everyone grieves differently but she is using this as a crutch to reel you in and control you. Don't allow it.
Hire people to do the chores you are having to do. You need your own life and that's how you "man up", by doing what's best for you instead of going to her so often.
I support the recommendations of others. This is not going to get any better and she will continue to depend on you as long as you allow it. Make sure she has a full medical checkup and investigate IL or AL.
You do NOT need to totally restructure your life for her demands nor do you need to spend as much time with her as you have. Please start setting boundaries.
Your Dad did you no favors. My Mom did everything, Dad just handed over his check and took his spending money out. She did all the budgeting a bill paying. I am sure I would have needed to do everything. And you know what, he would have been placed in an AL and probably would have loved it. The house would have been sold for his care. All I would have needed to worry about was a check to the AL and a few Dr bills.
I actually suspect the 2 super-anxious females I know may be on the spectrum.
While I am sorry for the loss of your dad, life does go on and your mom is going to have to learn sooner than later how to grow up and be responsible for her new life now.
You MUST continue to set strong boundaries and put her in her place when needed.
It sounds like she is wanting you to replace her beloved husband of many years and that is just not fair to you as you have your own life to live and enjoy.
If mom can't handle her rental properties then it's time to sell them. And if she can't handle things around her home then it's time to sell that as well and have her move into either an independent living facility or assisted living facility whichever is applicable.
There is no good reason that you have to call her daily, visit weekly, spend the night, or answer her calls.
As long as you continue to enable her behavior, she will continue to let you.
So it's time to put your big boy panties on and have a heart to heart with your mom and let her know how things will be going from here on out.
So get that RV trip planned(and NOT with mom)and next time a job opportunity from out of the city or state comes your way, be the first one to apply.
You deserve it!
It's time for mom to get on with living her life by herself and learn that she really is capable of so much more.
Set up auto pay on her bills. If she can't handle being a landlord she can either hire a management company or sell the properties, it doesn't have to be your responsibility.
And start to gradually add some distance between those phone calls and visits, there's nothing she needs to talk about every day or that you need to take care of personally on a weekly basis. Sometimes we resist the things that would be the solution to many problems because we are afraid of change, that's where she needs your support and encouragement - if she's so lonely she may do better in a seniors apartment or housing complex.
My suggestion is that you simply tell her that’s what is going to happen. Be firm. Organise it, then get on with your own life. It’s a workable way forward for her, and a workable way out for you.
It's just possible that it will be a wake-up call for her, and she will take control of her own life. But I doubt it.
My parents were married over 50 years. Mom missed my dad but terribly but she wasn’t one to go on crying jags.
Has your mom always been clingy or is it just since your dad died? I know that she depended on your father for everything. Did he encourage her to do that or is that how she has always been? Do you know?
You’re not immature at all. Everything you said made sense to me.
You’re young and deserve to live a full life. I have two grown daughters. I raised them to be independent. I would never want them to feel obligated to care for me.
I cared for my parents for a long time and it’s a huge sacrifice. Don’t give up your life for your mom.
Sit down with mom and tell her that this isn’t working out well for either of you. Tell her that you are happy to help her with making other arrangements for assistance and then move forward in your life.
Yeah, you will get pushback but what’s the alternative? Isn’t the alternative far worse than forcing yourself to continue to place your life on hold.
Best wishes to you and your mother. I think you may be surprised that when your mom accepts that you have decided to live life according to your needs and desires, that she will manage on her own with others assisting her.
She won’t be losing you completely. You can be an advocate who oversees her care. Does this sound like a viable solution to your situation?
Mom was ok in AL where she had an audience to play to and others to care for her. She had to be entertained constantly so that was covered too. After dad died, the other women scooped her up and drew her back into the fold and she was fine.
Tell mom you cannot keep up this pace with her, period. It's time for her to sell the house and move into AL and you'll help her do so. She'll have autonomy and you'll get your life back, as it should be. Otherwise, she won't allow you to have a life as her needs continue to increase and usurp your every spare moment. Nip the nonsense in the bud, as I did, when the ridiculous comments are made about "you better have room for me and the dogs”. Sorry ma, I love you but we both need INDEPENDENT LIVES.
Set the record straight now, and give her a box of tissues when she cries, not your LIFE on a silver platter.
You need now to have a good long sitdown with your mother. You need to tell her just exactly what I said above. Put nicely:
"You know Mom, Dad loved you to pieces and his generation saw it as a sign of love to "take care of the little woman". But it made you helpless and afraid and full of anxiety. Love him to pieces, but he is gone, and I will not be taking his place. I am not your spouse, but am your son. I will help you find ALF if you need one where they will care for, take care of transportation, provide food and activities, but I won't BE those things for you. I have a life of my own. You won't be coming on my vacations; you won't be living with me."
Let your Mom know you will teach her how to gas up the car and how to balance a checkbook, and let her know she is young enough to learn. If she simple cannot, you will know it, and THAT IS THE TIME for ALF.
You are going to have to set the limits now. If you become your Dad, well, all I can say is good luck to you all, because you see the results of that.
I am so sorry for your loss, and for your Mom's loss, but loss is a part of life, and to put our own grief on to our own children is selfish, quite honestly. It must be stopped for the good of yourself and of your mother. Tell her that you and she need to celebrate the love and joy of memories, and figure out together a way for her to go on without being a burden to you that will ruin your relationship.
If this long talk with FULL HONESTY doesn't work, then you are going to have to withdraw ALL ON YOUR OWN. If that occurs, get psychological counseling for yourself. You will be punished royally for saving yourself--there will be rage and tears and manipulation. Unless you wish to throw yourself on your father's funeral pyre I would avoid that at ALL COSTS, even to the risk of losing my mom completely.
I feel very bad for your Mom by the way. She has allowed herself to become helpless and your father had his own part in that. It's a cruel world. I at 81 can still remember my own mother saying, gently "I will raise you to be independent for it is what the world will require of you". And the WORLD has definitely required it.
Good luck. Hope you'll update us. Expect tears. Expect rage. Expect a struggle.
This is NOT normal behavior. She may be deeply depressed, have Dependent Personality Disorder or something else going on, but this can't continue.
Has she had a complete physical lately? Are you in touch with her regular doctor?