My mom has dementia and lives in memory care. Recently she met another man while at an event in the community. This man lives in the assisted living side of the community. She says he works and has his own car. As her guardian, she gave him my phone number so he can get permission to take her out on a date. He has called and left me a message, but I haven't talked to him yet. I also haven't called the facility because I'm trying to determine the best way to go about it. Today she let me know that he surprised my mom by paying for a haircut and color at the onsite salon. I thought it was very sweet, but I am also concerned with where this will all lead. My mom is a very sneaky woman and has a history of trying to escape the facilities she has been at and being hypersexual. She has already made comments about wanting to have sex with this man. Because of this, I'm not comfortable with him being able to take her out of the community to go on a date. I wouldn't mind if they communicated and spent time with each other on-site. However, can I put boundaries on where they can go? The community is fairly large and the assisted living apartments are not in the main building where she lives. I don't want to stop her from having somewhat of a life but I'm very nervous that she will try to talk him into taking her out even when it is not allowed or get into trouble. Has anyone dealt with this? Any advice on the best way to handle this situation?
Leaving it alone. There is no contest of who's opinions are right!
I wonder if they forgot what website they posted the question on, or forgot about the question altogether, no longer interested or simply busy.
Even more puzzling to me are the very old questions that are routinely answered.
I don’t trust the creepy male neighbor who’s suddenly paying for hair cut for a flirtatious woman with dementia in memory care and wants to take her somewhere to be alone or do “something that’s not allowed.”
Screams red flags everywhere.
The good news is that she seeks your permission so you can say NO. And yes, you do want to stop risky or unhealthy forms of entertainment, even if it disappoints or limits mom. I’d be on the phone with management in a New York minute.
My best and shortest answer to your question would be " No". If she is in memory care, she has significant care needs and, her boundaries could easily be violated. Confer with her PCP, the facility staff and, an elder care attorney . It is for her safety and well being that " dating" not be on the agenda. Even who visits her should be closely monitored for her safety and well being.
Do not wait.
Absolutely, do not allow him to take her out of the facility / off the premises.
Tell management about your mom's past inclinations / behavior.
Find out as much as you can about this man. He likely does this / reaches out / wants interactions (sexual? touching? what?) with others there.
While it sounds 'cute' for a person to have a 'relationship' as they age, it is quite another situation when a person is in memory care ... (woman, vulnerable, unable to make healthy decisions in her best interest AND SAFETY), it isn't cute - it is an alarm.
A person in memory care cannot set limits or know when to set limits.
I am surprised though, if your mom is in memory care that she was able to give that man your phone number. She apparently has the cognitive functioning to do that.
I appreciate your concern and sensitivity to your mom - and not wanting to 'cut her off' completely of social connections.
* I would say it depends on how often staff checks in on her.
* Is she locked in her room? Does she share a room?
* Can anyone 'just' walk into her room, like this man?
Would you consider the three of you going out AS FRIENDS? [If you encourage this, which might be okay ... he will pursue her more when you are not there.)
These situations are NOT new to management / administrators.
Ask how they handle it with others.
Likely, there is no cookie cutter answer.
You must talk to management and perhaps meet the man.
Anyone in assisted living is still VERY FUNCTIONAL in many areas so there is clearly a major difference here - w your mom being in a memory care division.
Gena / Touch Matters
It started again when she was still in IL but both later moved to different memory cares. I would bring her to visit him since his guardians never drove him anywhere. In both places, they were locked down. I would have to ring a doorbell and he could not leave. (My mom could leave because I was her guardian and on record to remove her, especially for her specialists).
During visits, I would be somewhere reading in the common room so mom and her BF could communicate. It was sweet but I never allowed her to be in his room. Both were just finding a way to snuggle.
Your mom wanting sex was similar to my mom in the early stage with her live in. If you move her, she may do it again.
You might just want to be present however, talk to staff. They encounter this scenario frequently. You might want to try with him just visiting but not taking her out. Howvever my experience with MCs is that if there is an entertainer, most residents meet in one big place in the facility.
It is sad but this part of your mother’s life is over because she is not capable of making sound decisions anymore. If it was another resident in her unit I don’t think I’d have a problem with it. But this smells big time.
Your responsibility is to be sure she is kept safe. That’s why you placed her in this facility in the first place.
The OP's mother is far gone enough that she cannot live in the assisted living area of the facility and had to be put into the memory care residence.
If the mother enjoys this man's company she should be allowed to see him and spend time with him.
At the memory care residence and under the supervision of the memory care staff. They can spend time together in the common areas of the memory care only. Nowhere private or even semi-private.
The mother has dementia and is also hyper-sexual. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
He obviously has issues of his own, otherwise what dialog and interaction could he possibly be having with someone who is advanced enough in their dementia to be in memory care.
Let them be friends and let them visit each other in memory care.
* Yes and No. I, too, am alarmed as daughter's mom is in memory care. although she was able to give his man her daughter's phone number to call to ask if okay to go out ... so she has a lot more cognitive ability than some / most in memory care. This is a very high level of functioning for someone in a memory care unit (from my experience).
This isn't an easy answer to a complicated sensitive issue as people, with dementia, age. It is really sort of heartbreaking in many ways. Gena
I would not move Mom at this point. All you need to do is make the director aware of this man. Then request that he not be allowed to see her in her Unit or visa versa. He not be allowed to remove her for any reason. To me its logical to wonder why this man wants a relationship with a woman who is suffering from Dementia. There really is no reason for a person from the AL being in the MC unit. Unless, they have a spouse there, a already friend or relative.
You may find out Mom isn't the only one he is trying to "court".
My opinion is that anyone in MC, does not have the mind to make sound decisions, sexual or otherwise. In addition, based on the people I see in my Mom's floor, none of them have the capability to carry very much more than a superficial friendship. I've heard of women and men exposing themselves in MC.
I would alert the Director of the facility about both of them. I probably would also try and find another facility for your Mom, unless the facility is really, really a good match for her. I would put him on the "do not allow" guest list. No, he should NOT remove your Mom from MC for any reason. When your Mom goes to the salon, I'm assuming that someone goes with her and stays with her the entire time she is out of MC area. If not, I would think that would be a violation of the MC agreement.
I'm not sure that I'd return his call. He's a predator.
As for your Mom, knowing that she is sneaky, I would wait until she asks before discussing anything about him. For sure, when asked, tell her that he never contacted you. Whenever she mentions him, try to respond to her as if he was a casual acquaintance. Hopefully, that will not set off the "escape" bells.
..and start looking for another MC facility. One MC facility that I know of, kicked someone out of the facility because their desire to escape was overwhelming the staff. Hopefully, your Mom will not get to that point. If you have to move your Mom to another room so that someone from the outside cannot visit her through the window, do it. This is way too scary situation.
But, I too would wonder if Mom is telling the complete truth. I would also wonder why a man in AL has an interest in someone who is has Dementia. There are ALs that allow those with early Dementia in. Maybe he is in the early stages. As guardian u have more control than a POA. Use it.
I would talk to the director and ask that this man be kept away from your mother. He is not allowed to visit her in the MC unit or her visit him in the AL unit. If there is a mixed social get together that to ask the staff to keep an eye on them. Actually if possible, deter him from being anywhere near Mom. And, please do not allow him to pay for her hair appts. And hope she forgets him.
Maybe a good thing would be to call this man into the meeting after talking to the director first. This way everyone is on the same page. Tell him your sorry, but as Mom guardian, you cannot give him permission to see your Mom. Tell him because of Moms history, you can't allow it. That you would appreciate that he does not pursue any kind of relationship with her. It will only cause you and the facility problems.
This also puts the staff on alert concerning this man. My Mom has a man pursue her at her AL. He told me he was caring for her. I told him he was not. TG my Mom, with Dementia, didn't like men or being touched. Even with Dementia I think she remembered this man from town and he had the reputation of being a dirty old man. I work with Visting Nurses and he was a client. He was always trying something with them. Then he was in the same Rehab with Mom. I told the SW to keep him away from her. She said he has a right to be anywhere in the common areas. I said true but if he bothers Mom, remove her. One of the aides came over and said, two aides had to go into his room because of the things he tried so on her shift, she will make sure he was nowhere near my Mom. I was really afraid Mom would belt him one and she would be blamed for being aggressive.
When you know of some risk, change in behavior, and anything that could go wrong, the folks at the memory care facility must know immediately, just as they should keep you informed of the same. You must alert those in charge.
You must get their advice. You must share information. They are professionals and have experienced everything under the sun. Perhaps they'll say that in this case this guy is okay and a sweetheart, or that he is a predator with a reputation of molesting vulnerable, easy, brain damaged women. Are his initials S.T.D.?
In your case, I’d say no to taking mom off the facility, but surely there are gardens or common areas or activities?
I would go at once to the admin so they are informed of this budding relationshp. The visits, given your Mom is in memory care, should likely be charparoned. This is for the safety of all.
One thing that caught my eye was when you wrote "She says he works and has his own car." Really now, why would an able bodied person who works and still drive need to live in Assisted Living? That doesn't add up.
My step-mother is in MC, she is in lock down, and she is a runner.
You need to have a conversation with the admin of the home.
There is something fishy here, does not compute.