My mom is 75 and lives alone but has been a mean and send centered person all of her life. This is not just something that has just happened.My problem is that I feel so guilty and dont know how to cope with her.Last weak I spent all weak on pleasing her.We took her from Tennesee to WVA and everything even missing work and when we got back she blew u on me because batterey went dead in her car remote.Screaming at me because I forgot to tell her.I went off on her and told her what a sorry excuse for a mother she has been and I shouldnt have but get so sick of it.My brother has never done anything for her or had anything to do with her and I really cant blame him but now hes catering to her so she will change her will and leave what shes got to him and his girlfriend.I am beyond frusterated and hurt nto the bone.She is ruing my life. I pray for guidance and help
Others become this way as a result of dementia. They can't help it. Even if they used to be mean on purpose, they can't be blamed when the dementia kicks in. I try to look at it this way. If it's dementia talking, she can't be blamed, because the brain isn't functioning properly.
It's sad your mom is so difficult. It could be caused by a number of reasons, but with most seniors, it's not likely to change. If you are concerned that she will change her Will and leave you out, then I might hang on if you really need the money. If not, then steer clear of her. No one should make you feel less of a person. You are helping her and she lashes out at you? It' doesn't make even a little bit of sense. If it is dementia, you might make sure she gets some help and then step back if you don't feel like staying around that behavior.
You say you need help, but there isn't really any way to make a mean and ungrateful mom a nice and grateful mom that I am aware of, regardless of the cause.
Since you can't change her, I would work on myself. Get counseling, spend time with friends and vent at places like this. lol It helps to know that there are many other family members who really can relate to your experiences.
You spoke your mind with your mom. Did that help any? If not, then I may work at not letting her push my buttons. Just let her nastiness roll off your back. I know it's difficult, but if she's treating you poorly as a sport, maybe that would take the fun out of it for her. And if it's dementia. She likely doesn't remember the incidents.
There were more than a few times I had to tell my mother she was behaving like a brat and I was going to leave if she did not stop. I will not stay here and be abused. She would settle down and be contrite for a little bit, but not permanently. It was a sign that her brain could no longer control her emotions or regulate her responses to anything.
Having mom move into a very controlled environment with a geriatric psychiatrist who adjusted her meds and added a new one to control her paranoia and anger helped A LOT. Living alone was not safe or good for her anymore, so a change had to be made even though she was totally against it.
I might anticipate in advance that my efforts will not be appreciated and that she will not be the mom that I want and need. Sometimes accepting that can be so painful. We can always be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Good luck to you.
One thing I need to remind you is that mean people are mean ....mean people who get dementia can get meaner still. If you bolt onto that the fact that she seems to have some sort of mental issues then that is going to be one hell of a bumpy road and you are probably best off not travelling it hun.
We all blow up from time to time....I know I go in the garage or into the car and mutter words that would make your hair curl or I scream like a demented banshee. But as others have said pointless blowing up at your Mum - its a battle you are never going to win and if she has one inkling the money has meaning to you then dismiss that issue right away. it just probably won't be there.
If you are going to be able to continue to help her, her behavior has to be tolerable. Either due to mental illness, dementia, or long ingrained habits, she can't control this. She needs meds.
If you don't have what it takes to advocate for your needs and hers, and to NOT simply act the part of a helpless child (caregiving a parent can do that to you) then you need to find her other help. Not your hands on caregiving.
Can you step back for a week or so and not be so available? Recharge your batteries. Find yourself a counselor to talk about this. If you continue in this pattern, you will do yourself serious harm.
It may make you feel a bit better to know that you're not the only one who has yelled at your parent. When I've done it, I apologize for yelling, but not for the reason I did it. We can only be disregarded so much before we react.
You have been conditioned, by her probably, to feel horrible if you fight back. Only you can break that cycle. To reject someone's vitriole is perfectly acceptable. that it is your mother makes no difference. No-one deserves to be spoken to in that way.
BUT you do have to plan and pick your battles. It is really really difficult to stay calm when all you want to do is yell back. However it is far more effective to stand your ground speak calmly and slowly and then turn and walk away. If you do yell (and we all have as JB noted) then you end up losing some ground because you have to apologise for shouting. So keep focused stay calm, even when you want to scream, and say
Im sorry you feel that way I truly am but I am not responsible for this and I will not be spoken to like this.
Then just turn on your heel and walk away. Shut all the malevolence away and go out into the fresh air and breathe, have a coffee, cigarette, do a dance on the patio whatever it takes but take time out. YOU HAVE TO.
I spent years trying to win my mother's love - you can't - by and large that type of person has no idea in the world of how to show love to you (even if they can to someone else). If that pure mother daughter bond is not forged at birth then it is quite unlikely for it to ever be forged.
I am adopted so there was no blood/birth bond but you would have thought I would have been more wanted - not so - Mum wanted 2 boys Dad wanted one of each. Hence the source of the issue for me. Every family is different though and with good counselling many Mums do retrieve that bond (whether the counselling is formal or not). Yours clearly did not so don't fret over something you cannot change. Accept that she wont and deal with the here and now - or it will drive you to distraction hun xx
Believe me, if it's the will you are worried about, the money isn't worth it.