My parents are near 90 years old and live in their home. My sister, who is unmarried, has moved in with them. My sister does the majority of the caregiving, partly because she is living with them and partly because she is extremely meticulous about it and my caregiving does not live up to her standards. All I ever wanted growing up was for my dad to treat my mom the way she deserved to be treated but that was asking too much. As a result, I've never been close to my dad. My sister had a tumultuous relationship with him also and eventually told him he was ruining her life. A few months later he had a serious accident and now requires daily care. Since the accident, my sister's number one priority has been his total and absolute happiness. I think she feels guilty because she had told him he was ruining her life. My mom is the most wonderful person in the world. Even though she is still living in her home, she has lost her independence, must essentially live under my sister's rule, and I feel she has lost her will to live. Her appetite is not very good and tests show she may have had a heart attack sometime in the last year. My mom would be much happier if my dad was in a nursing home but my sister will never ever let that happen and she's in charge. I cannot bear the thought of my mother living like this because it's her home, not my sister's. I try to make my mom's life better by getting her out so she can have fun but all she wants is to have her life back. It's just so awful and it's been this way for so long and I've stressed and cried and prayed and racked my brain over this for so long -- I just don't know what to do. I really feel like there is no answer but I cannot let my mom just waste away. She tries to put on a brave face but I know how I would feel if my son moved in with me in my old age and took over my home. Is there anything I can do? My sister is in charge and crossing her is really not pleasant.
You can't change your sister. Nor can you change your mother. Her insistence that life return to the way it used to be is irrational. And if she's obsessing over that then it may be that medical intervention is needed. In any case, people are how they are and the only thing you can control is how you manage yourself in relationship with them.
Reaching out to people on this website is a good start and there's nothing wrong with also getting professional help if you need it. Otherwise, if you remain locked in conflict then you are enabling the dysfunctional situation.
Blessings to all concerned for a peaceful resolution.
Your mom wants her old life back but that is no longer possible. Her husband needs daily care and having someone in their home to care for him sounds as though it is a requirement. It's too bad that your sister is a controlling type of individual.
My mother was with my brother and sister in law for six months and it was not a good situation. My SIL was so OCD that everything had to be perfect and SIL had to do everything. It caused caregiver burnout of my SIL which ended up making my SIL not be very nice to my mom. My mother had to sit and be an observer in her life. Is your sister this controlling? It may not be healthy for your mom if she is.
Maybe a break from that would do your mom good.
How would she feel about moving in with you? I'll bet she would have some concerns about your dad. Another option might be to get out a lot, shopping, lunch, a spa day, a drive or what ever. That way she (and you) are still connected to the home front. Siblings can be difficult...If you can't change this somehow, then you need to change you.....a tough one eh? I wish you lots of luck. Try not to let your frustration wear you down so much you don't see the options that are out there.
See All Answers