No time to chat... Any input?

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No time to chat... Any input?

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How do you explain to people that you really don’t have the time or the desire to chat on the phone?

I was never one for idle chatter and gossip but was able to “ play the game” until becoming my husband’s caregiver. My sister loves to talk and talk as well as constantly complain about everything and everyone. I’m perfectly fine checking in daily by text but she gets extremely insulted that I don’t have the time for 1 hour phone calls. I have explained that my time is not my own but then she gets so dramatic, which she has always been about everything, and accuses me of not telling her enough details and of hiding how bad things are. Things are not that bad here just, as every caregiver knows , very time consuming. When we do talk she says and asks things that are unintentionally hurtful and a bit dumb. She talks about everyone she has heard of with AD and how horrible it is and how certain people deserve what they get (her ex husband’s wife has AD and he is her caregiver) and it’s karma. That’s just a small example. I have mentioned to her laughingly that texting was invented for me as I’ve always hated talking on the phone but obviously that has not worked. Even her texts have become testy about my not responding to her calls. I really don’t want to start any kind of family issues but I’m at my wits end as I’m finding, for the first time ever, that I’m quite agitated by this. I think perhaps I’m making too much of this and it’s my fault and I’m hurting her but if I have an extra 1/2 hour in my life I’d rather read or just sit. Any input would be appreciated.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Family Caregiver Relationships

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You be very frank. I hate the phone. My brother can talk on it easily an hour. I get quiet, almost non responsive and he then knows that I am done. However, given it would not be even a good time on the phone, I simply would not do it.
So I would say "You may not know; I cannot remember if I ever told you, but the truth is that I loathe the phone. I always have. Honestly it almost hurts my ears. Now the phone, which was something I COULD do, is honestly something I just don't have the time for. It is important now that the time I have that is "down time" is all mine. I hope you will understand. And if you do NOT understand , the I understand that you don't understand. But it is just, for me, how it has to be now."
You know, we train folks how to treat us and what to do. Listen to the whining and complaining then they just figure it's what you DO. You enjoy it. Why, otherwise, would you do it. And when you, as a nice person, finally get the guts to tell them the truth they will reply to you (I almost guarantee this) with a "WELL!!!!!!! If THAT'S how you feel then why in the WORLD didn't you just SAY SO????!!!" Right. Because there's a good time to say such things to folks like this, right?
Really, she is just performing her habit. She isn't aware. And she isn't aware you don't want to, OR she doesn't CARE (which is of course a good deal worse). Just pull on your big girl boots and wade on in and tell her the TRUTH. Don't you at least deserve to be able to do that. Sounds to me you are a hecka nice person. I think you DO deserve it. She won't like it. She will get over it. So start writing out the excuses now "Oh, there's the doorbell; so sorry. Have to go. Talk later" is a good one.

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Oh AlvaDeer, there u go again!!! 🤣🤣🤣made me laff bcuz what you say is SO TRUE!!! Youre the best!!!

(2)

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Thank you AlvaDeer for your wise and understanding ( from both mine and my sister’s perspective) response .
I was the youngest in my family and the placater to all, so having the
“ guts “ to state my needs has always been a problem for me . I think that at 72 the time has come ?
My sister , unfortunately is one of those people that only thinks in terms of how something is affecting her , no matter whose problem it is . As my kids have been telling me , that is her issue not yours and they’re right . It’s just hard to change your roll in life at this stage .

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Joann is so right. She won't understand it. That isn't what is important. It is important for you now to protect yourself as much as you are able. You owe it to you. It is going to be hard. And she won't be sweet about it. But it will get done. In fact you may have to say it more than once and that will give you good practice. Hugs!

(5)

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Is it ur hoping she reads between the lines? Well, seems she doesn't know how to do that. I think you need eye to eye contact. Tell her caregiving is the hardest thing you have ever done. Like raising a toddler, you are always "on". So, when there is that time when DH is napping or content watching TV, thats ur time to nap, read a book or just veg out. And you need this time to yourself. You need to re-energize. And long conversations on the phone just doesn't do it. You need her to be more understanding of what you do on a daily basis.

I never had caller ID. Ended up getting it because a friend called me at the worst times. 9pm at night, dinner time. It usually was about her. Just to complain how someone did this or didn't do that. Or let ur calls go to VM. Have a greeting saying you are not able to come to the phone. If they leave a message, you will get back to them As soon as u have time to yourself. And turn the ringer off.

You realize that ur sister is being very selfish here. Its not about her. You really only have time, at this point, for your husband. His care and your mental and physical health are what is #1 here. And sorry if she does not understand that.

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Everything you said JoAnn29 is right on and I thank you. You also read my sister very well . My daughters have always said that it’s all about her . I could shrug it off in my younger days but at this point I don’t want it have the extra strength to deal with it .

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Take that extra hour for yourself. I can't believe some people. My cousin once said to me "what do you do all day", I was totally aggravated by this comment, and she's an RN. I dislike talking on the phone as well, and I always had. I do Skype my brother so he can talk to my mother occasionally. The last thing I would want to do is listen to someone complain and criticize other people. The karma thing, I do not believe in. My mother has always been the sweetest and kindest person alive, and she does not deserve to be sick. I do not blame you for being insulted by your sister. She is inappropriate. Everyone has problems even your sister. You do not have to update her on all the details . It is your husband not hers. If it was her immediate family that is a different story. There will always be family issues with people like your sister. They will complain about something. You do not like talking on the phone, then don't. She will get over it.

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Thank you . I really found the karma bit offensive and hurtful . My DH only deserved good things but life doesn’t always work the way it should and we can’t pick and choose what happens to us . I don’t believe “Karma” made me a caregiver but my heart is broken for my husband and he does deserve my love and care as he would do the same for me if the situation was reversed.

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I am also not a fan of talking on the phone anymore,,but sometimes you gotta make the effort.. and it backfires! I have a very needy friend I mostly avoid talking to, do text, and she drives me crazy because she has these loooong pauses.. I have actually had to ask if she is still there! She just seems to like to BE ON the phone.. and I am all about getting to the point and getting the heck onto the next issue!

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Thanks you really gave me a laugh which is so important to us caregivers😄

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I'm kind of glad to know I'm not the only one with this problem! Being a real wimp, but a clever wimp, I came up with a couple of tricks for the really persistent callers. I turn on my cell's speaker, pop the phone on my pocket, & continue with whatever I need to be doing, with an occasional "really?" or "uh huh." I've also recorded the doorbell & play that sometimes. Always works.

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Excellent ideas! My sister is a real talker, and some years ago she talked so much that I gently set the phone down and walked away for a few minutes. When I back--she was still talking, as if nothing had happened!

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Ha!! I thought I was the only one! Omgudness. When I can I say "I'm m.i.a a few days to catch up on ME." Just so they dont expect you to reply right away.. Like it will be a week or two.
Of course no one understands that. But it is what it is. My friends understand my family don't. Smh.

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I have a friend like your sister. There have been times in the past years that she did not speak to me because I did not answer her phone calls or call her back too many times. Her topics of conversation were very predictable: her daughter's mistreatment of her or advice about her job. Her therapist told her to apologize for bothering me so much while I was caring for my parents. Now that I'm not doing that she believes I have time for these very same and very dramatic topics of conversation. I don't, but more to the point I hate talking on the phone. All my friends know that, but this friend calls anyway. I've told her to come over instead of calling or that I'll meet her for tea. Nope. She calls. So now again I don't answer the phone or call her back. If I answer her text messages she sends 20 more, so I ignore those too.

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Tell her you don’t believe in karma. I have a SIL who would talk for two hours straight if I let her. I can’t stand it, especially since my mind starts to wander 10 minutes into any phone call, no matter who it’s from. I just can’t sit still that long!

My husband laughs and says “You must have told her goodbye five times before she hung up!” She’s HIS sister! At least my SIL is pleasant when she remembers I “have something to do.” She’s a nice lady but she’d give an aspirin a headache!

In your mind, give her a set number of minutes to say whatever she’s going to say, and then tell her you have to attend to something urgent, even if you don’t. A fib here and there will save your sanity.

I don’t know if this has been helpful, but know that I feel your pain to some small extent.

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You’re not making too much of it. She can call somebody else.

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I am a talker but I don't get on the phone that much. When I do call my brother, which is not often, he gets off by telling me his ballgame is on or his favorite show. 😊

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I always have to “run to the bathroom,” if the caller is someone I feel comfortable saying that to. They’re all my age or older, so they get it.
But what it really feels like is “I can’t take any more of this anxiety!”

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Write her a letter. Give an example of a typical day. Be truthful. Tell her about how the phone is a nuisance because it is just another demanding THING. Invite her over for lunch, let her help prepare the sandwiches (and clear the table) while you attend to the (FILL IN TASKS HERE) so she can observe a "typical" day. By the time she leaves, she will be too tired to call again! You can choose those you love. You can't choose family!

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Awesome idea!!!

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If I were you, set your cards on the table. I agree with Tetertottering. Write her a letter & explain, with out given too much personal information. If she starts complaining, change the subject or tell her, if you can't handle it anymore, you have to run an errand or expecting a phone call. I have a friend, we get a long good, but she gossips, which personally I have no time for, & change to a more enjoyable subject you will both be happy with. You really owe her no explanation, she is not your parent or spouse.

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You could cut in when you've had enough, and say "I don't mean to be rude but I really have an important phone call coming and I must put the phone down now".

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half joking- start mishearing her on the phone. After all who can lipread a phone?! I’m profoundly deaf yet my sibling tends to phone even though it’s difficult to make out what she’s saying and I miss whole chunks. I end up saying “can you text that as not sure I got it right?” Getting more texts as a result.

I now tell everyone that they are trying to talk to a deafened person and that text or email would be appreciated.

Whilst you might not want to do that last part - implying you cannot work out what she is saying on the phone and asking her to text might work.

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This is my second post on this subject. My cousin called me about five times in a week. I was too busy to return the phone calls. She called the police to do a wellness check. He told me I better call my nervous cousin. I apologized to the officer and thanked him. He was a nice man, and was glad to check on us. I was aggregated with my cousin, but I did return her phone call. She said " Now I know how I can get you to call me back". I now answer the phone, but make it short. She knows I am busy with my mom. My other cousin calls me and loves to chat. I cut her off after a minute or two and tell her I got to tend to my mother, which is the truth. Make it as short as possible, I do not care if they are insulted. they know I am a busy woman. I do not worry about people anymore, if they don't like so be it. I have my priorities and talking on the phone is not one of them.

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Blimey your cousin is a bit much! Should get her to care for your mum for a week - she might discover why a text is more considerate! Think you were nicer than I would have been after she pulled that stunt and wasted police time too.

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I hate talking on the phone and get stuck doing it daily with my mother. All I hear is criticism and gossip and who's not doing enough for her and how the food is horrible and how nobody calls her. Gee ma, I wonder WHY? I keep the conversations as short as humanly possible, promising to see her soon or call again tomorrow.

Your sister's need to talk on the phone is all about HER, not you, or your DH, or what you're going thru or if you need help. It's all about what I call being an Energy Vampire and leaving you exhausted after an interaction. Know what I mean? Like you need a nap after listening to all the toxic waste pouring out of the receiver. These EVs are looking for an audience to listen to them rant. Nothing more. You do not have the time or the leftover energy for such nonsense, but how do you convey that to HER, who is guilty of NOTHING in her own mind. EVs are never complaining or sniping....they're just TALKING, dontcha know? Picking YOUR brain for more fodder to add to their story telling mill.

I like the idea of writing her a letter, personally. Something she can refer back to when she forgets why her calls to you keep going to voice mail. Life's too short to waste precious time gossiping about others. You've got important work to do, dear woman. Bless you

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Thank you all for your helpful and above all understanding comments . I took all the advice and finally sent her a long , firm but still loving text . I told her my husband’s condition was all consuming and at times physically and emotionally draining . I said because you are my dear sister I know you will understand what others can’t . I was honest in that I love to hear from her and all about her wonderful family but unless it was urgent or an emergency to please text and understand that that is the least stressful way for me to communicate at this time in my life . I reminded her of how we resented my late mother’s aid being on the phone when she needed attention and that I felt hypocritical when I do that . She responded, by text , and was very understanding while saying she knew I never liked talking on the phone like she did . She did call the next day of course 😂 but I felt no guilt not answering and sent off a short text later that evening . What a relief that I finally did that !!
Thank you all again so much !

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So glad it worked out for you! All the very best

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You did good. She will eventually get the "hint" as long as u stick by your guns.

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Thanks ! I’m very proud of myself 😂

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I hear you! I really do! When my mother lay on her death bed after she'd suffered an ischemic stroke, a cousin, whom I hadn't spoken to for OVER 50 YEARS TELEPHPONES me! Now, mind you - I'd been living out of state caring for my mother for 6 months and barely had the time to think. This cousin said to me "Why are you living in Massachusetts because I'd heard that you were?" I held my tongue like the Lord wants us to, but I really wanted to say "REALLY??!!" I politely told my cousin there was no one else to do it. So yes, no time to chat? I get it. How about no time to sit down and eat a meal? That, too - I just grabbed a bite as I ran past my plate of food. Prayers to you ...

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