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Tomorrow will be one month since my mom passed, it still does not seem real. I know I am grieving and my mind is telling me it will take time. I am really struggling with making decision as to what to do now. For the last few years all I did was take care of mom and now I don't know how to take care of myself and my own life. Is this normal?

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Hi Tattoo, yes this is normal. Especially after an extended caregiving situation. Actually, they tell people not to make big decisions for a year after their spouse passes.
So is there a grief/bereavement group near you? Often churches/synagogues offer them, as does United Way or visiting nurses or hospitals. Seeing how others have handled situations can get you moving in a direction that works for you.
Get a notebook and start a page for things to do this week or this month. That's easier than what to do with your life! You will see that there are a world of opportunities for you to grasp --- and frankly you aren't limited to just one! Try baby steps rather than your whole life --- it will evolve.
Sorry about your Mom -- you helped her through this time, you did your best. Feel good about that and try to do something for you each day.
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Dear Tattoochick,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I'm very sorry for your loss. Please know that everything you are feeling is normal and natural. You gave your all to your mom. Every day you were thinking of your mom and her care. It is so soon and only normal to think what am I going to do?

To be honest, its been 9 months since my father passed away and I am still struggling with these questions. I try to put one foot in front of the other. Like geewiz said its all baby steps for now. My sister insisted I focus on self care and I had no idea where to begin. I kept going to work. I would try cooking classes, painting classes, grief counselling, but every time I returned home, I would cry. Because it was so different then what I was use to. I keep hoping that the more I keep moving forward the more I will be able to come to terms with my new reality.
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I don't think it's unusual. You've been through one of life's major traumas, any one of which could cause some indecisiveness. However, I often think that can be helpful because it's not wise to make decisions after a trauma.

Consider this a time to reflect and consider redirection, if you want it, but also to decide how to spend the rest of your life. What were your goals and life situation before you became a caregiver? Have they changed? Just think about that, but don't act on it until you're sure.

What relaxes you? Try to focus on those kinds of activities, but also give yourself plenty of down time just to acclimate before you feel it necessary to move on.
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Thanks everyone. I feel guilty for taking down time, and find that I just get even sadder. I am in counseling and she say they same thing. I guess I am looking for a distraction from the grief. However I have lost my purpose, I barely remember what I did before. I hate feeling lost.
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Tattoo, I already feel that way even though my mother is still alive. Sometimes people ask me what I'm going to do after my mother is gone. I hate that, since I have no earthly idea what I'm going to do. So much time has passed being here that anything I once had is gone now. When it is such a long time we have to reinvent ourselves. I know it will take time. It would be nice if there was a signpost with an arrow that read "Go That Direction." It has only been a month, Tattoo. I hope you'll find your way soon.
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Yes, it is normal. The first year is a year of firsts. The first Labor Day without her. The first Thanksgiving without her. The first New Year's without her. Your first birthday without her. It's hard. Be gentle with yourself during this time.

There does come a point after which grief can become complicated. If in six months or so you feel even worse than you do now, seek support. Talk to someone about your feelings. Even now, talking to someone about your mom in order to remember the good times will help you accept what has happened.

Find some new things to do. At first, you may not want to but your mother would want you to live life. Losing one's mother is never easy. May your mother's memory be a blessing to you.
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Hi tattoo - so glad you're seeing a counselor, do keep that up even if you eventually go less often. The wording and your question and followup made me think of a book I read a long time ago.... and a trip to the library is always good for the soul. :) Have you ever heard of this? Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self, by Sarah Ban Breathnak. It sounds like maybe it's not just that you don't know, you're expressing a desire to learn about yourself again. Go for it! I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sure you were a blessing and great comfort to her.
Also, it's a good time to check whether you're eating right.  Poor nutrition can exacerbate anxiety... my #1 helper is a high-quality vitamin B complex.  And take vitamin D, most of us are low on it.  Maybe just lead all this off with going to an annual physical with your doc.  Please don't just assume that your mind is the main issue, your body may need a boost including exercise.
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Yes indeed. It's been almost a year for me and it's getting somewhat better. I still have trouble making decisions and after all the work one has to do when someone passes, there truly hasn't been a break. Plus trying to sell the house. We get so consumed when we're the primary care giver. You lose your identity and are faced with situations you never thought you could handle but you do. Kudos Tattoochick. It gets better. It really does. We have to learn who we were before and while we still miss our loved one desperately, they would want us to go on.
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It is NORMAL. I experienced the same thing after my mother died. I felt completely disoriented and confused. Its been a year and 4 months and I'm just starting to come around. I'm also in therapy. Just go slowly, no pressures. I went to Florida on the anniversary of her death which also occurred one week after my birthday. I thought it would make me feel better but I cried on the beach when gathering shells. But I also remember a wonderful large green salad we had after we left the beach and how comfortable our hotel bed felt and how pretty my shells looked once I had washed them and laid them out on a hotel towel. Keep moving forward..little things will start to creep back into your life that give you pleasure and remove you temporarily from the state you're in, then you'll feel sad again and you will struggle with the next decision . Get up, shower and get dressed, go slowly be gentle with yourself. Make plans if you want to but decisions require energy, focus and forward thinking. Don't feel bad if it doesn't happen. Try again. Grief has you in it's clutches and it has its own timetable. TIME is your answer. I wish you well, you are not alone. Losing a parent is a required course...and we are all learning how to go on without them. It's NOT easy but everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. Good book, The Orphaned Adult.
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I'm not sure if I have more to add to the good encouragement many have given, but I am at the same place. Today is one month since my mom died. Just realized the date. I too was a daily care-giver for over for 28 months, after a 10 year period prior of supervision, so my days are now my own. And I have so much I need to get caught up on but I move quite slowly it seems. I tell people I am doing well though for two reasons. One, my mom is in heaven with her long searched for ma and pa and brother and so many others. I know that. And I am happy for her that she is there and not here in that Alzheimers mind anymore. And two, I was getting tired and not able to give to others like I wanted to. Maybe there's a third reason; as everyone around me has said, I gave so much to my mom that I have no regrets. That is true. She had me as an emotionally stabilizing figure when others thought I gave too much. But I felt I had to be there for her. So there is no regret now that it is over. However, I still miss that she is not here. I cry easily at things that touch me about her. And I have the realization that is normal too. So I say, be gentle with yourself and not expect to quickly be different or productive or know what you are 'supposed' to do. It will come. I have goals and I know I don't feel like accomplishing them immediately. It will come to the time when feelings ease and I will want to again. Moms are special people and your feelings now are honoring of that.
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I read that you should not make major decisions for a year if it is your spouse who passed. I think that would indicate that your decision making could be off balance
normally for quite some time. A month is still very close to the loss so I think you are
very normal. Give yourself some time. Look around and see what options you have when you are ready. Don't get in a hurry.
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The priest said this in church this past Sunday. "Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die!!!" I laughed BC this is definitely something my mother would have laughed at! Anyway this helped me...
As caregivers we ushered our parents along the slow, long torturous path to heaven, and we are spent... We need time to get things in perspective , recover from the long journey and heal. Think of your mom in heaven, how you helped her get there and be good to yourself, patient and gentle. Go slowly, this takes time
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Yes, it is normal...my wife of 61 years died less than three weeks ago after a massive stroke in 2005.. She was paralyzed on one side, could not speak, was dizzy all her waiking hour, experienced basal carcinoma a few times, ingrown toenail three times, could not use a wheel chair, had 22 or so urinary tract infections in the past three years, and many more maladies...For 12 years I sat by her bedside in the rest home twice daily and hired ladies to sit with her at the supper hour each day...She was, however, very alert and LOVED life and all people..She indicated she had a happy life when asked if she did. Her optimism and happiness were really astonishing.

The morning after our kids and I looked upon her lifeless body, I awoke on top of the world. She was FREE forever from her sustained suffering...

I do sense the big change in my routine throughout the day.

There is no way I could be sad after her long, long ordeal of 12 years....I do plan to
attend grief counseling starting today....However, she and I, in a sense, grieved at her bedside for 12 years.

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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((((OldBob))))
When they are ill for so long we still grieve for them, but we are also relieved for them. I hope the rest of your life is filled with good things and friends.
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What a great topic. Yes, when they go the world certainly changes. 3-4 years taking care of Dad in our multigenerational family home where he had been living alone. Mom died years before. He died at 90 last year and I was completely lost. Not myself, not even sure who I was. Flashbacks, periods of crying, regrets and extreme gratefulness too, mixed emotions, nothing to do. Winter, dark and snowy ... really let myself go,but not wanting to let go of him and our life actually. Floods of memories, images of past years, his life, my life, the whole family history! Lots of TV. Drinking. No exercise. Put on lots of weight. Trouble sleeping. Pacing, mulling, not wanted to see anyone... I was executor - family conflicts, panic attacks over what to do with house and contents. Got into loops of thinking and writing same things over and over again... Thought I was losing my mind.
What helped: A little Xanax for the anxiety - only took a half when needed. Some counseling. Saw a very good hospice counselor off and on for a while. Lots of talking to people I trusted. (Too much self talk sometimes!) Finally made decision to have an auction and sell the house. Very difficult. Luckily had support of most siblings, friends and good estate lawyer. Moved out of the house and back to a sunny state. Started taking "Emergen- C", calcium and vitamin D- my Dr recommended vitamin D and I think it helped. Wasn't taking anything before, not even vitamins. Wrote a long goodbye letter to the house and a shorter one to Dad. Cleaned out closets and stuff in my own place - kind of as if I might go and didn't want people to have to deal with it. Also just to feel more in control and organized. Started walking, less or no alchohol and better diet. But it took time! A year and a half now but things are looking up gradually. Keep on!! Our grief is our own and everybody is different. It Is normal.
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And yes regarding decisions concerning ourselves - What to do now? For those of us who don't have other pressing obligations, I just think in time it will become clearer. I'm going to look at that book that was recommended by another poster.
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For most people, there are definite stages of grief. I can't recall them right now, but I know as I watched Mother go through them, the one that surprised me was anger. Anger that you get left behind, anger at possibly feeling shortchanged by a loved one's death, sometimes anger b/c things weren't "good" between you. You can certainly read about this somewhere on the web. I think it's the 5 degrees of grief-something like that.
And yes, I hear often that you shouldn't make any big changes or decisions for a year--sounds like a long time, but I think that's healthy. Of course, it can be shorter, as sometimes you just can't TAKE a year. Or you don't NEED to.
Everyone is different. My mother mourned my father LONG before he passed. Within less than 6 months, she had removed everything of his from her apt. She never really spoke of him, and hasn't, to this day. She's kind of stuck between anger and acceptance, I think.

A lot has to do with how you were with the person--ready to let them go, or shocked and not prepared at all (such as in a traumatic death). You can be haunted by having had no closure with them--I think sometimes of you are struggling to come to terms, seeing a talk therapist would help. Just someone to help you sort out your thoughts and process them.

I assume I will be left a widow at a fairly young age. I was prepared to be one at 49 when my hubby was dxed with Primary Liver Cancer. He's walked in the valley of death several times, due to that, the liver transplant, the after-surgery infection, then 84 weeks of chemo, had a stroke mixed in there....then when he was "well" he was nearly killed on a motorcycle he had no business being on. I really don't know how I am going to "be" when he finally does actually go.

It's an individual and personal journey. Take care of yourself, firstly, and accept the love of friends and family.
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If life allows you that luxury, don't feel bad, just relax and allow yourself to grieve. My dad just passed in February and three weeks later mom fell and fractured her hip and that began a cascade of health challenges that I'm not sure she can recover from. I wish I could take a breather; I really need it......and I'm sure mom feels the same way too! Be kind to yourself and don't be too hard on yourself.
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In a class called: "Powerful Tools for Caregivers" they talk about grieving as the "Wilderness Period". Imagine being lost in the woods and having to find your way out. It takes time and there is a lot of good advice being given. As a Caregiver there are many times I grieve-lost of conversation-loss of intimacy-Loss-Loss -loss and of course the final loss is death. My wife is in the last stages of the disease and death will come soon. Even though it will be emotional I think I feel the same way Bob1936 does-it is time for this to be over for her. I will be in the Wilderness Period and I know I will find my way out eventually.
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It is normal, but a psychiatrist can help you with some anti-anxiety meds.
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I am sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and know you've done your best for your mom. Suddenly the realization of being alone can hit one quite hard. It is the cycle of life, be it a parent or partner. My dad will be gone a year next Tuesday and I cannot believe how fast time travels. I still grieve him at times. Look at what is around in the way of hobbies or ladies breakfast/lunch get-together's. Treat yourself to a spa. Maybe a part-time job, to keep active. Do you enjoy reading. I've read that one needs a purpose more than one needs a holiday. It may take a little while, to find out what exactly interests you to get you going in that direction, but you will come to terms with your new normal. Give yourself the time and be good to yourself.
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Yes, in my opinion....My wife passed away 3 weeks ago tomorrow and my thoughts are all over the place..Some days I do things non stop..other days I am listless...She was beyond massively impaired and in much suffering for years, so I am happy that she is free at last..however, the cessation of visiting her twice daily is quite a change.

Grace + peace,

Bob
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I follow this: First I do what is necessary. Then I do what is possible. Before long I find myself doing what I once thought was impossible. God's still driving the bus. : ))
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I think most people feel as you do after a great loss and that includes things other than just the loss of a loved one. I find it usually tekes me personally at least two years to start to feel alive again. you are doing all the right things, seeing a councillor and reaching out here. Both good steps. it will get better.
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God's still driving the bus=genius post.
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Gods still driving the bus... That says it all in 5 words. I agree, genius.
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I know, right, PamelaLi!
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