I am the primary caregiver to my MIL (84). She was invited to a wedding (my husband's god daughter) but we weren't invited. The last time there was a wedding (my husband's niece) I got MIL ready, bought the dress, tailored the dress,got her dressed, hair and all ( I was concerned about her in pictures) This wedding we went to, but we were outcast and SIL took all the credit for MIL's appearance. It's been six years since that wedding and the family ties have not gotten better (actually worse). The dilemma is, MIL flooded her home so she is staying with us and the home is not safe to use. The relatives originally were going to take over the caregiving for that weekend and stay in her home, but now are not sure what to do. I said that we made plans and they are welcome to MIL but they are not welcome at our home, especially if we are not there. You see, regardless we are still taking that weekend, I have a very trust worthy caregiver available. SIL point blank said so MIL can't go to the wedding if the home isn't ready. I again explained that they were welcome to pick her up before we leave and bring her back when we get home, but if they can't make that happen then I guess, no she can't go. SIL explain that she would remain hopeful the home will be completed by the wedding (it won't) and she will wait till the last minute to book a hotel. Now I am also the person supervising the completion of the home, SIL knows that. I don't know what to do....What this all translates down to and how SIL will explain it is....MIL can't go to the wedding cause I won't let her.
These people are very cruel and abusive to me/us with their threats and accusations. It's their MO to be sweet to your face and stab you in the back. I have caught them in some pretty big lies. I don't put anything past them. They have a handicapped son, and in my opinion, it is a miracle he has lived as long as he has considering the horrendous treatment he endures. They have been in court numerous times defending the right to keep him home. Their abuse of me/us is probably some kind of projection from their own misgivings. I hope they have MIL's safety and comfort in the forefront rather then their distain for us. Oh one important fact, MIL doesn't want to go to the wedding. Initially, I talked her into it. She hasn't wanted to go this whole time. The relatives are insisting I talked her out of it. She has dementia, loss of hearing , not able to talk to get her thoughts across, trouble toileting and trouble walking. I think it would be great for the family to see her, but can't they just visit rather then expect her to deal with all that stimulus at one time. SHE doesn't want to go.
Thank you. Yes money is the root of all the bullsh*t. It would make more sense to me if it was loads of money...but there is just barley enough for her care. How did you get through getting him into a facility?....I can't get MIL in a car without the fear in her eyes she is going to be dropped off some where. It's exhausting. On the way to the doctor she rings her hands together. "Where are we going? Isn't this far? This isn't the way to the doctor. When will we get home?" I stopped at the post office and she screamed "You can't leave me here". Exhausting, I tell you.
Tell the caregiver to keep all the doors locked so if they show up she can tell them you instructed her not to let them in and slip a copy of the Dr's not under the door, plus a copy of your instructions to the caregiver. If they start to make a scene or try to break in call the police immediately. They have no right to be on your property.
I don't know what your solution to the long term care of MIL can be but clearly professionals need to be involved . look at some of the facilities in your area and visit the one of your choice and have tour and if possible a meal. If you can get MIL to go with you to a second meal that would be good.
This is going to be extremely difficult for MIL and the family and maybe medications may be needed in the short term. If you succeed in getting her into a facility be prepared for them to ask you not to visit for the first few weeks while she gets used to her new environment.
Or you can just go on the way you have been till you are totally burned out.
LOL, Yes, burnt out is past tense for us. Her staying with us is temporary till the house is back in order and the aids get into rotation. This is definitely not an ideal situation for her. I had the talk with her about her situation and finally after 6 very long years she is agreeing to let people in the house. Hope is looming, it's just this flood happened. It's never convenient for bad things to happen. I hope the house is done in time so all this is mute, but it's just like them to expect me to solve all the problems then criticize the outcome.
Check Mom out of MC, find a cab that can accommodate a WC or wrangle her into your car "Where are we going? You are hurting me. Who is this man am I being kidnapped? I haven't had my breakfast." Get to the air port find a parking space, wrangle Mom into her wheel chair, push her across the road to the terminal. " Why are we here one of these cars will hit us . Why do they drive so fast?" Find your check in point and stand in line for that.
Mom drops her purse and all sorts of interesting things roll out onto the floor. People offer to help. " No sir don't touch THAT I"ll get it." get up to the window and hand over your luggage. Mom screams "That girl took my bag and threw it in the garbage"
Oh I forgot the security line, can't remember which comes first as I haven't flown in ten years.
Long line for that of course but finally it's your turn. You try and push Mom through the security gate and all the bells and whistles go off. Step aside Ma'm I will take the lady "And pushes Mom aside. tells Mom to stand up. "She can't" you yell. 'We have to do a personal search she says and you follow her into a side room where she tries to question Mom without success. Mom looks around and decides she does not like the room, she wants her old one back. the official tells Mom to lift her skirt. "Zeena, Zeena" she yells " they are going to rape me they want to see my privates" "What is in that bag" the official asks. "Urine" you reply as politely as you can manage. "Well you will have to empty it You can only take three ounces of liquid onto the plane and the bag says 12 ounces. go to the rest room and come back here"
Off you go and complete the task and back to the room, but by then another victim had been selected and you get back in line and place your purses on the conveyer belt and hold your breath. The official opens Moms bag takes one sniff and snaps it shut!
Now onto the plane but i won't go on to discribe that circus because I have already lost most of my readers.
With this knowledge, don't let them in and I would not trust a caregiver not to let them with lots of guilt application. In fact, if you have not taken mom to get a POA naming yourself, do that this week, and go by her bank and get put on her bank accounts - all of them - while you have her out. Banks use a different form that has to be done in the bank. It's a horrible run around, but a huge amount of protection for her to have a trustworthy daughter on them. Does she have an existing POA? Does it name you or sister? If it has sister's name on it anywhere, even as a backup POA in case you can't fulfill your duties, I'd get mom to sign a new POA naming you as primary POA, and as backup, your husband or adult child who has sense about Auntie. POAs can be changed up until the person is incompetent, which is a pretty high standard. Rent a wheelchair to get mom to the atty. Seriously, with the stuff that I read about bad, non caretaker people, I would not put it past relatives who are pushy like this.
Rereading your note about what happened last time there was a wedding, I think they are *playing* you for free housing. Really, this is a God-child and you and your hubby are not invited? Mom can't come unless she puts them up in a room? Phoo. Tell them that mom has changed her mind, that she does not want to go, that no, the house is not available, and no, they will not be able to visit that day as you now have medical appointments (medical expenses include fees for any of the activities of daily living for someone who can't do them on their own, according to the IRS rules. Thus, an appt to change mother's diaper counts as a medical appt. A stretch of logic, but for these people, fine). Lock the doors and don't let them in.
The contractor said it would be a miracle if the house was done by the 15th. So they have nowhere to stay...this is going to be interesting.
I conveyed this to SIL and she is still trying to stay in the house (the construction zone). I sent a retraction to the previously accepted RSVP explaining that the flood has caused MIL's confusion to get the best of her and would not be able to attend the wedding.
SIL is making me feel guilty and trying to get me to reconsider my decision. I explained it's her decision that I agree with. The hump we can't get over is me not allowing them to pick her up (even for a few minutes) while we are not home and she is under the care of the aid. I explained that I can't ask the aid to let MIL leave my home with people she doesn't know. It would be different if I could introduce them first, but that is not the case. Like an idiot I ended the conversation with I would see if I could arrange my plans to help facilitate the grandchild meeting MIL. Because after all,
"What about the grandchildren? They won't understand"....(guilt) Bullocks
Sis knows she was rude not to invite you and the God father, so she's attempting to turn this on you making it your problem. Not your circus, not your monkeys, as they say. Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is a great book!
Will try the book ...I love your input. Thank you
Our memory care allows weekend stays. An old friend of mine had her mom there every weekend for awhile. Because friend did not allow release of Mama's name to anyone, I was not sure if that were Mrs. Wanda or not, and Mrs. W couldn't answer. It was not until I saw my friend much later that we discovered we used that MC at the same time!
I hope you get it all sorted out and on an even keel soon.