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For years my mom lived alone in her home, in a different state than me. We had the help of a home care agency on a very part time basis. I flew there several times a year, called her everyday and was in touch with her caregivers and doctors on a regular basis. My sister and her adult son lived about 15 minutes away and never once set foot on her doorstep. Not for birthdays, no holidays, not to take her for a short walk on a sunny day, nothing. There was never a card in the mail or sticky note on the door. Now that my mother's health is deteriorating and my husband and I sacrificed a lot of our own time and finances to work tirelessly to move her to our state, get her stabilized, get her home cleaned and sold, now I'm getting phone calls and texts requesting information about my mom from the estranged family members. She moved her 5 months ago and the only reason they even noticed is because now there is a "sold" sign in front of her home. I do not feel like I should have to update them on her condition and how everything has progressed in the last few years. I'm her POA as well as her trustee and I am doing everything by the letter of the law where her finances are concerned. My family and I, husband, children and in-laws are the people in my mom's life and always have been there for her since my father passed away. She has dementia and Parkinson's and needs a lot of love and care and attention and after everything I've been through I do not have the time nor the desire to have to explain anything to anyone who chose to abandone their loved one for years but now "want answers". Am I wrong? I just don't know how to respond because I'm certain they don't want to know how I really feel about them.

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First off, you sound like a great daughter.

No, you're not wrong. You know why they're concerned? The house was sold. It's about the $$$$$$. I would get copies of those texts and let your mother's lawyer know what is going on. I also would record(yes that's right record) any phone conversations. Find out if that is legal in CO first, or whatever state you're in.

They're horrible people, as soon as you said "sold the house"...that's there concern. Of course they don't want to know how you or your mom are, they're concern is where is that money from the sale.

Best of luck.
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Despite your differences, other children (in my opinion) are entitled to know. You might send the briefest of messages that Mom's health is deteriorating with age and she now lives closer to you so you can keep an eye on her.

The energy of contemplating this question just gives you more negative energy. Make it brief and quick and move on with mom's care.
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I'd say to h*ll with your sister. I'm curious. How did your relationship get so bad with sib. I agree with other comment,it's got to be about money.
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You aren't wrong, but it isn't smart either. Send a brief email to every sibling with details of move, where Mom is located. Say that the house sale proceeds are for Mom's care. Then state that you are very busy, if they want any more details please visit Mom. Then say your grateful for the interest, and could really use their help. Ask them how will they help with Mom's care, money, respite etc. Ask for details and firm commitments. Keep a copy for when they try to take you to court.

On a personal level give up the hate. Try to keep love in your heart, concentrate on love of Mom, and forget the siblings. I struggle every day with the hate, as they come back from their week vacations, and think 2 hours a week when convenient is a help. It just sucks the joy out of living. Good luck I think you are a wonderful loving person. I hope life rewards you with much happiness.
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So far, all of your answers are absolute right and yes, I need to find a way to give up the hate but I'm not sure how to do that just yet. To respond to some of your comments, yes, I do believe they are only interested now because the house sold. Everything is in a trust solely for my moms care and they are actually named as part of the beneficiaries if my mom should pass away. And to answer your question why the relationship is so bad... my sister has always been estranged from the family off and on. She has an explosive temper and if you do not do or respond how she thinks you should she will cuss you out. Since my dad passed away from cancer 9 years ago she has maybe seen or been involved with my mom for a total of one year and it was very bad. My mother was ill and she would raise her voice and gripe her out to get out of bed and do something productive. She would cuss me out via phone and text so that is why I finally stopped talking to herio125
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sorry about the last typo bit my I must have hit those keys(?)
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Some families are not close, my dad's family is like that. I find that anytime there is money involved, people come out of the wood work. This could be the case. You are not obligated to give them updates, however it would be courteous to do so, but I wouldn't go out of my way and I'd only send an update if she declined. I don't think anyone is going to think it in 'bad taste' if you do not give updates. They didn't care enough to check or assist her when she was in her home, why are they bothering now? Too bad I say. You have to do what is right for you and your mom in this situation. Family members can cause a lot of problems, it's good you are keeping things legal. Keep a journal with your mom's changes, keep all receipts for any money you spend for her care including foods etc. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging to see if she qualifies for in home assistance, they should also have caregiver assistance programs as well. Look into an adult medical day care for your mom, it can be a great place and it gives you a break. I know how difficult it is taking care of someone. Good luck.
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I think the idea of a brief email is a good idea, if shows proof that they were kept in the loop. But I would leave out the part about you being grateful they show an interest. Because they don't.

You tell them how busy you are, you can mention that the sale of the house is going towards mom's care, and you say any help they could provide would be appreciated(that's usually enough with these types to get them to back off).

And I am serious about recording phone calls if that is legal in your state, but that I mean recording without them knowing they're being recorded.

I know of case that went to court over a will dispute and the caregiver recorded her brother(unknown to him) saying he didn't care if the sister took mom out in the backyard and shot her(lovely isn't it), but it was proof and horrified the judge.

When you're dealing with scum, you have to be on the ball.
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Your answers are so spot on and have really helped me today!! I just realized that my profile still says my mom lives with us. We recently moved her to a wonderful assisted living nearby and she is very happy. It provides us the opportunity to see her daily, take her on walks, bring her favorite snacks and gives us peace of mind. I visit her each day and so does my family. I help her shower, do her hair and take her to doctor visits. She visits our home too but honestly she likes her place so much she makes me promise her, often that I will not make her move from there. It is not out of the question that she may come to live with us again some day but right now I felt that she is in a very happy and safe environment.
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I'm sorry to say, and I have to agree with what some of the others said that it is indeed about the inheritance. Your sister now realizes that she has something to gain by coming back into the picture (money) and that is why she is now trying to represent herself as a concerned family member. Speaking for myself, I would not contact her. When I was younger I thought siblings should have a lifelong relationship, but since dealing with my siblings, I have changed my opinion. You and your mother sound wonderful, and I understand how hard it is dealing with difficult siblings. It is unfortunate that we cannot choose our siblings.
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I would text back: "Mom now lives at (insert name of AL). Address is ..

Then inform AL that your sister can not visit without notifying you first...

I know sister lives in other state, but you never know what she's capable of when $ is involved...
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Sometimes I wonder if a sibling is using tough love to get the elderly parent to finally move to a retirement community..... but there will be one sibling who refuses to do that and thus keeps caring for the parent in the parents own home.

Denverfan, do you think maybe that is what was going on with the *estranged* family members? Now that Mom is safely placed in a retirement home, everyone can now breath a sigh of relief.
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I like kathy's idea of a short email to cover your butt later. I wonder if she'll back off once she knows that the money is in trust, solely for the care of your mom. You're already keeping good records of spending for your mom, and making paper copies (and saving to thumbdrive) of all emails. I'm sorry you're dealing with this nonsense on top of the real things in your life.
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I'm in a similar boat with my non-existent sister. 6 visits in the last 15 years! When sis realized I was going to give up mom's rent controlled NY apartment, she was livid. I asked her if she wanted it. She did. She wanted to keep it without paying the rent or utilities and life doesn't work that way. Now she's upset and not speaking to me, so basically, no change in our relationship. I told her mom was in a NH. I gave her the address and phone numbers. I told her I had to give up the apartment and dispose of the stuff, which she knew I'd have to do. She kept making promises, but never lifted a finger to help. If I were you, I'd be so tempted to ask sis why she was so interested now, but had never previously lifted a finger to help her mom. I'm sorry to say she doesn't sound like a very nice person and I'm sorry you have lost her, as I have lost my selfish sister.

You don't owe her anything. Use your discretion. If she's poison, protect your mother from her. If she's just harmless and selfish, you can give her your mom's contact info, but you might want to first ask mom if she wants to hear from your sister. I did, and I was surprised when my mother said no. Either way, you are NOT wrong. Thank God your mother has someone like you in her life.
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To answer your questions Freqflyer, I honestly don't think so. She had made comments in the past that she wanted my parents house and that she should be the one to get the house because I'm married and she's not, whatever that means. But to your point, I believe she stayed away because she didn't want to have to help take care of mom and deal with the stress.

Thank you Christine73, to you and all the people that give such great supportive answers! It's strange but it has helped me to just read the answers on this site/forum and the only people who truly know how hard it is to watch your loved one deteriorate like this are the one's who've experienced it first hand. My mom isn't "perfect" but was always there for me when I needed her and I just want to make sure she's safe and happy. I am definitely trying to keep good records and I'm thankful to have the resources that it takes to make sure she has the best care possible.
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Ask them to come and visit, but do not let them do so unsupervised. Tell them nothing. I am not saying this to be mean, but the law requires a POA to maintain confidentiality about ALL aspects of finances and medical items. Simply cite the law. Have a nanny cam running to prove you were perfectly accommodating to them. They will accuse you of lying cheating and stealing. Video is your friend.
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I would agree - its not what you are obligated to do, but what will keep you out of hot water. Give them unequivocal evidence that everything is on the up and up and confirm that yes, Mom has a progressive condition and is not going to get better, and will need lifelong care which needs to be funded. They can read between the lines that they missed their chance to be involved in providing support, and hopefully realize that in middle class families, getting an actual inheritance is a pretty rare event nowadays.
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It's sad to have to accept the fact that there are people in your life that are just horrible people. Especially when they're relatives. It's totally up to you whether or not to provide your sister with information. Like others have said, I would make it brief, limited and to-the-point. If her intrusion into your and your mother's lives would be upsetting to EITHER one of you then go no contact. She is a daughter only in the genetic sense and she gave up her right to information and a relationship with the two of you a long, long, time ago
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As a general rule it is in a mother's best interests to have contact with her children. Your mother has a right to see your sister if she wants to and if your sister ever gets round to shifting her backside. How hard you have to try to achieve that contact is a different matter, and it is also true that since you are responsible for her welfare you are also responsible for protecting her from abuse.

But your mother's money is tucked away safely for her care, your own management of her affairs is thoroughly documented, and your mother is well supervised in her place of residence, yes? So even if one were correct in taking the more jaundiced view of your sister's motives that some posters have, the opportunities your sister would have for abuse are really very limited - you've done a good job of ensuring your mother's safety and quality of life.

I expect your sister did want to know where the money went; and while it's not a noble motive it's not an unreasonable one either. On top of that, it is perfectly possible for her to care about both what happened to the money and at the same time, even vaguely, what has become of your mother. Your sister's feelings towards her are, would you agree, pretty mixed? Which means there are good ones as well as others in there, worth fostering as far as you reasonably can.

So leave a door open for your sister to visit, provide her with information on a need to know basis, and update her when you can be bothered. That way, if there is any possibility for a happy ending in your mother and sister's relationship, you will have facilitated it and that is the best you can do.

But for goodness' sake don't make your sister your problem. She knows where you are and she speaks the language - any time she wants to ask something she can always pick up the phone, can't she?
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ErniesMum, pamstegma and vstefans, thank you for your very well stated responses, you make me feel empowered! Countrymouse, thank you for your very well stated response and I hear everything you're saying. Yes, to answer your question, my mother's finances are tucked away for her care and I try to keep very accurate records and when I purchase something for her I make certain I am careful what I purchase. I'm frankly just happy to have enough money to take care of her and her needs. Since I posted this question this morning I received a text from the estranged sister saying she is going to apply for guardianship. I'm not that worried about it because we already have everything in place and my mom is very well cared for but I'm curious to know if you have any knowledge in this area. (I am POA and trustee but not guardian)
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Ugh! - that text is a bit of a heart-sink. Daft. Any chance she's bluffing? Can you call her up and tell her to stop being an idiot?

Big question: why on earth would she want to? It can't be the money - unless she doesn't know quite how expensive both the legal processes and your mother's care actually are. Without knowing her my guess would be rather that you've taken the shiny toy and she's decided she wants it..?

I'm in the UK with different rules and processes (same aims, though) but there are many on the forum with very detailed knowledge and experience - I'm sure they'll be along in a minute.
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First your sister will have to convince a court that your mother needs a guardian. Since Mother is functioning quite happily in an assisted living facility, it is hard to imagine that Sis can prove Mother is incapable of making her own decisions. Courts are not happy to revoke someone's independent status. How will Sis find doctors who will testify that Mother is incompetent in the legal sense?

Let us hope that when Sis contacts a lawyer (if this isn't an idle threat) she will learn that this isn't simply a matter of asking for guardianship and getting it, and that it will cost her money to proceed and that she'll drop the idea.

If she does file, get a lawyer to help you fight it. Come back here for more advice at that time. But I wouldn't worry too much about it right now.
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Denverfan, interesting that your sister is interested in guardianship now that the "hands on" work is done by staff at the AL, and not when mom was living in your home.

I would mention that to any staff you might be friendly with at the AL, they know because they have seen it all which adult child is the caregiver and which is the do nothing sibling.

My guess she is bluffing and talking out of her a**. This would cost her money.

Your mother has a lawyer? I would run this by them.

Clearly, this all because the house was sold.
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The house has been sold and there's a pot of money she wants to control. And she's figured out that assisted living is going to eat up a bunch of the money. As your mom is safe and cared for at the AL, I can't imagine a judge deeming guardianship necessary.
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Just answer with a letter stating that because they were not a part of her life while being 5 mins. away from her, she is being cared for well, and there will be no other updates from you. No, you do not owe them anything...
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Just one more opinion: have the lawyer help you write the e-mail. May be a once a month e-mail to keep them informed of her care. but I would talk to a lawyer. We can't know how these things can play out later.
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Guardianship would be a very long shot for your sister. This seems like a bluff.

Guardianship is an option whenever someone cannot make decisions for himself or herself and really doesn't have anything to do with the kind of care that person is receiving from what we understand. That said, the POA is considered the potential ward's vote on who should be his or her guardian. If your mom is still fairly aware, she would echo her choice to whomever is sent by the court to investigate. Add to that the EXCELLENT job you've done, and no judge ought to decide against you IF the case were to proceed. Your sister will likely have to file in the county where your mom resides, if she files at all, which would require her to travel to your state, find an attorney who can practice in your state, etc. This will be a contested guardianship and may cost her upwards of $20K out of her own pocket. Meanwhile, you have the use of your mom's trust fund to defend your mom's choice of decision maker. And if in the very unlikely event she should win, then she'd be responsible to the court for how the money was spent and would have to provide an annual accounting.

Your sister really needs to count the cost before going forth with such a ridicious and impossible notion. In the end, she would be out tens of thousands of $$$ and you would be the guardian. Your mom would be the real loser for having to spend what she had for her care on the court battle.
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I agree these relatives need to be informed as to just what happened to the money from the sale of the house, your mother's physical and mental condition, etc., the kind of care you're providing, etc. Indeed, invite them to come visit and help take care of her, etc. Cover yourself completely BUT send them letters by registered mail, return receipt requested. Have a folder where you keep proof those letters were signed for and received. They can always claim they never got an e-mail; they can't dodge the registered letter. If they refuse to sign for the the letter, that should be in the records too. Good luck! You're the kind of daughter every mother wishes she had. There's almost always one like us in every family who takes all the responsibility while others, like the proverbial grasshopper, simply play.
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As others have said, regardless of your sister's motives (and it does sound like she is all about the money), you need to protect yourself against accusations that you are using that money for yourself and not your mother's benefit. She may also try to see your mother and get her to change her will or POA or try to get her "inheritance" early. So be wary of any contact with your mom and try to be there when it happens. You may set up a separate bank account for her that you are on to pay her expenses so the monies don't mix. You did not say if she is living with you cause that opens another potential can of worms for your sister to exploit. I had exactly the same situation with a sibling and am still dealing with it, he has a lawyer and threatens me constantly. He never helped in any way but he wants his money. Keep up the good work!
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Wow, today is a banner day for me...Almost every questions I can relate too! I was in your shoes last year. Mom lived over 2 hours away. One brother in another state and another, while only 30 minutes away, worked 60 to 70 hours a week in law enforcement. Did what he could but wasn't much help. I called them and told them mom's condition had changed and as a group we talked to her and told her, you need to hire someone, move to AL or move in with me or out of state brother. She chose me -yippee :p - So over the next 6 months I drove every weekend to her house, sorted & packed and gave away her possessions. With her at my side,we saw a lawyer and set up the trust with me as trustee and executor, I sent copies to my brothers. I told them to visit or call whenever they wanted. She may hear from them once every few months but otherwise, nothing. I keep meticulous records of what I spend because I know at the end there will be questions but I do not feel obligated to keep them posted. They are on my facebook page so pretty my know what is going on.
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