I don't know if this is bothering anyone else, but when I wake up the first thing I do I check on the patient (my mother) to see if she's breathing. I worry during the day about when the next emergency will happen or when the final stages of the her life will come. I mean I understand that at 95 it's coming sooner than later, but the thought seems to pop into my thoughts throughout the day. It's like a cloud hovering over my head all the time.
Yes, that worry again.
Hello worry: Today? Not today? Time will tell. Goodbye for now worry. See you tommorrow.
Cloud hanging over you head...
Yes I get that. I think what helped me was being as prepared as I could be. Plan what I could - let the rest go. Let Mother Nature (Fate or Faith) decide the rest.
Whenever & whatever happens, you will handle it.
Try not to fret. Enjoy the moments you have. After they are gone you often wish for a few of those moments back.
There are still times I silently ask myself if she is really gone. She was 92. As sick as she was becoming I can't imagine her lasting longer. I understand how you feel and I hope you will be at peace when the time comes.
I can tell you that at 81 I find MYSELF and my partner with a more "constant" knowledge that one of us will exit on the other, or become ill. There is more thought to holding on to the banister going down the stairs and such like. I think this is all a normal part of the aging process and seeing the aging of those we love.
Still remember the first time my now 61 year old daughter said "So, do you two have PLANS". Meaning thought about when we would move toward a more supportive environment.
So it's normal to think about this, and to do the checking. The same thing is done, after all, when you think about it, with a newborn. It is recognized that the infant can be taken with SIDS in a moment. Checking on things is what careful humans do it.
This is being a caregiver.
This is being a daughter of a parent that is failing.
First I have to ask
Do you have help?
You need some time for yourself.
Check with the Senior Services in your area to see if mom qualifies for any services that might help with a caregiver.
(If mom is a Veteran or was married to a Veteran the VA might be of help it would be worth it to check that out. Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission to see if there is any help there)
If mom qualifies for Hospice (don't get fixated on "6 months or less" as long as there is a continued decline a person can remain on Hospice) there may be a lot of help there. A Nurse comes 1 time a week, more often if needed. A CNA comes 2 to 3 times a week to help with bath and ordering supplies. And all the supplies, medications are delivered to your house. I could not have cared for my Husband at home the way I was able to if it were not for Hospice.
And with Hospice you can request a Volunteer that will come and sit with mom while you get out and get some "me time".
With my mother and her constant health issues, especially in the last year of her life (she was 95 when she died), every time the phone rang my heart skipped a beat. She lived in Memory Care Assisted Living and they'd call every time there was an issue. Sometimes I'd get 3 calls in a day. This was the woman who'd fallen 95x, I kid you not. So even though I didn't have to check her every morning to see that she was breathing, I still lived with constant dread and fear over The Next Call I'd Get that would be a crisis. I had hospice on board a little over 2 months before she passed.
Fortunately, mom did give us plenty of warning she was transitioning. Hospice called me one day and said she "had a status change." Mom had taken to her bed, gone into a semi comatose state, and passed 1 week later. So I was able to spend a (stressful) last week with her.
This is the hardest thing in the world to endure. I went thru it with dad, too. Sending you a hug of empathy and compassion, hoping you can muster the strength to endure what lies ahead for your mom. Without it ruining your life in the process.