My 83-year-old father got sick 4 years ago and is now bedbound. The family decided to keep him home and let mom take care of him with some outside help.
One sister and her husband did not want him to go in a home. Another sister who is mentally ill and untreated can be crazy at times yet helps at times (she lives downstairs) is conflicted too. Mom has taken his verbal abuse since we were kids and continues to do so along with hearing him call her all hours of the night. We have some help but need more. Mom doesn't want more people in the house, yet he needs 24/7 help, and they can't get more help because they can't afford it. I told my mom that she has 3 choices. Get more help throughout the night (use the paid house for income to pay more aids), put him in a home or continue to suffer from this craziness. There is yelling between him, my sister, mom, and me when I'm there. I fear for my 82 yr. old mom’s health and guess what? My fears are coming true. Her health is declining and she's suffering caregiver burnout along with yrs of abuse. We are all conflicted to put him in a home because we know he will call her everyday like when he was hospitalized. Her heart is filled with guilt, worry and shame. And let's face it we have heard stories of incompetent nursing homes. She's also afraid he will die there, and it will be her fault. I'm conflicted, sad, frustrated, anxious and I almost had a breakdown when this started in the beginning of Covid. Things got bad in that house and with little outside help. Now my poor mom is starting to decline, and I'm frightened she will die (now she has Afib and can't have any peace from him. I'm torn because I don't want to go against her but I'm at the point of calling protective services because I feel both of their health and wellbeing is in jeopardy. Sometimes he must wait for the caregiver at night to come and change him. We have all hurt ourselves from attempting to change a clean an obese father. I just talked to a social worker and asked her what she thought and said she would get back to me after talking to his PT tomorrow. I don't want to betray my family or make my mother any more stressed because she's so conflicted with guilt. Please help me. I'm very worried for my mom's health and my own. This has torn the family apart. I've been getting outside help but it's not enough. I'm very worried for mom’s wellbeing.
Does he have a PoA?
If so, did the criteria for activating the authority happen? (A cognitive impairment diagnosis?)
If he has no PoA and is impaired, APS can be called and the county can begin the process of finding him a court-assigned guardian.
Or, someone in the family pursues guardianship through the courts (and it will cost money and time).
Your Mom is preventing 2 people from getting the help they need: her husband and herself.
"...let's face it we have heard stories of incompetent nursing homes. "
My MIL is in LTC on Medicaid in a stellar facility. Your Mom probably thinks your Dad will go into a hell-hole so maybe take her to tour some places and if she doesn't want to go, go yourself and take your own video to show her there are good ones. If your Dad can be assessed as needing LTC, this is good since Medicaid pays for this. Then he has to qualify financially.
There won't be a perfect solution.
I agree with you that it’s awkward to go against your mother’s wishes, but your mother has to understand that her needs are equally important as her husband’s needs.
Your mom has been in this situation for so long that she views this existence as normal. She is blind to everything around her. She’s in way over her head. She’s drowning. You can reach out to help her by calling APS as you suggested.
Or you can try calling council on aging in your mom’s area and have them speak to your mom about your father’s condition. Maybe she would listen to an outside source.
Your dad needs to be placed in a facility so your mom can be free from her burden as his caregiver.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
That IS working for me!
Without someone who is IN AUTHORITY to make any call in this situation, or to have any authority, there will be no help for this.
You worry that your mother will pass before him. Sure, that may happen, but the truth is that at this stage and in this state and after all of these years with this conflict, what does it MATTER which of them goes first?
For myself I never would have had much to do with this mess once I was an adult. I often tell people to move 1,000 miles away. I think it is excellent advice.
Why should YOU be the one to call APS?
And what do you think APS can do/will do about this mess that has been years ongoing?
Not a lot, to tell you the truth.
I wish you good luck. I advise all involved with this couple to stay away from them. They have the live they have chosen for themselves. You are not equipped to change or help anything here. Not everything can be fixed.
Or not. In that case, what will
happen happens. The initial mistake has already been made, and that was deciding that dad shouldn’t go to a “home.” Instead he was enabled to pull the whole family into the quagmire you’re dealing with now. Please visit some care facilities and find a good one. They do exist.
I really hope you find the help you all need.
You have a Care Team - but caregiver burden is way too high. A new Care Plan that includes CARE of your Mother is needed. Fast. A better plan that is safe for ALL of you.
I think you have very clear vision -
your 3 choices (I abbreviated below) say it very well.
3 choices.
1. Get more help
2. Put him in a home
3. Continue (to suffer)
Looking ar your options.. What are the barriers to number 1.?
Mom doesn’t want more people in the house + too costly.
OK. Strike it off.
2. A Care Home.
Sisters & Mom don't want to.
3. Continue. The main caregiver continues until they just can't. Untill their health is erroded, & they collapse with fatigue, heart attack, get cancer & the person they care goes into a home. A home chosen in a time of family crises.
That's how that often can go.
Re-look at option 2.
There is much we can unpack about that 💙
"She's also afraid he will die there, and it will be her fault."
He probably will die there.
But it will NOT be her fault.
People have to die somewhere.
Does he really need to die in the actual house? Or somewhere comfortable?
My FIL originally wanted to die at home but he changed his mind. He thought on what was really important. The house was a symbol. Of comfort, safety. These things can be provided anywhere. He passed in care, CARED for by staff & family. A 'good death'.
If Mom gets more stressed out, she may die first. THEN what will Dad do? Who will take care of him and who will he yell at next? Bed bound people need 24/7 care.
Not placing him in a facility because he will "call her all night" is ridiculous. He won't have easy access to a phone, and you turn the ringer off Mom's phone at night. He can't get up and drive home and do anything!
Mom didn't cause Dad to get old and sick. Now she is declining, and who helps her? Dad is no help to anyone being abusive. You have 2 stubborn elders who are both going to get worse and die.
THE REALITY IS WE ALL DIE.
Your parents didn't make any plans for themselves? You plan to do nothing and let Mom suffer? Taking care of a bed bound abuser is TORTURE.
The family's decision isn't working.
I am sorry your parents are at this stage of decline. Any medical help you have coming into the home such as social worker, therapists, are already mandated reporters to APS should they consider what is going on to be abuse.
In an APS claim there is generally a client and a suspected abuser that would be interviewed separately and any other medical staff deemed necessary to speak with or even other family members or caregivers. The APS purpose being to look for the problem, see what resources are needed, develop a care plan and follow up if it even got that far.
In the situation you describe your mom is the one who is being abused by your father. They appear to be mutually codependent and you and the sibs are enablers to keep it all going. I don’t mean to be harsh. It is sometimes hard to see when you are in the “fog”. The family has nursed him four years at home. His needs won’t be decreasing.
You’ve half a dozen people involved and you are all worn out. It’s not working.
And you are correct in that your mom could pass before your dad. A large percentage of care givers do pass before the patient. And sadly she may be happy to go. it would remove her from this slow misery.
They need a certified elder attorney to help get dad in a nh and protect moms assets so she can live at home as long as possible if that is her wish.
It is really the only logical solution. And yes, he will die there because that’s where he will be living.
I know it’s hard to transition from where is the best place to die over to where is the best place to live before he dies but that’s where he is now. He is still living. He needs more help that can be managed at home. It isn’t your mom’s fault or anyone else’s fault. It is just reality.
My dad was never al that nice to my mom, both very old fashion conservative type. Mom did everything for Dad, and there was always dads look, that would send mom right to her lipstick and mirror, because we all new that look my father gave mom , when her lipstick was wearing off.
It got just worse and worse though the years. Then dad got sick mom took care of his every need, he passed.
My feelings was ahh, let's give mom a few happier years , without the tension, without the stress. A life without getting yelled at or walking on eggshells.
That is the last thing that happened, mom got mean and nasty, seem maybe that outside looking in, like she liked being mistreated. No one to yell at her was just not normal to her I guess. Lack of drama, that she got addicted too. I honestly have no clue. I had this fantasy that when Dad passed , me and mom would have this great relationship, that didn't happen either.
Anyways maybe this is what your mom wants. It was what my "poor" mom wanted.
You need to do what's best and good for you!
Mom is getting too old for this and her health is failing. Time to place Dad. Does not matter what he wants. The needs of his caregivers is whats important.
Do your parents have any additional assets other than SS, pensions and the house? Mom can have the additional assets split. Dads split going to his care in LTC. When almost gone, she applies for Medicaid. Once he is on Medicaid, Mom remains in the home, gets one car and all or enough of their monthly income to live on. An Elder Lawyer can explain much better. I am just giving basics.
Would it not be better to place Dad. Then you visit as his daughter and Mom as his wife not a burnt out caregiver. No more screaming and hollering. Finally peace and no abuse.
Neglect is considered abuse. If someone isn’t getting the proper care they are being neglected. It doesn’t matter if it is intentionally done or not.
The same applies with a child. If a child is neglected, it is considered to be abuse. Abuse isn’t only about someone being physically assaulted.
People become creatures of habit and a pair of fresh eyes can shed light on the situation and help to resolve issues.