On a hamster wheel of what to do first....caring for father while trying to work full time. Any advice?

Sorry if this is completely off base but one thing isn’t clear here — Was he doing okay in his own prior to shingles and intestinal pain issue? Because sometimes a person just needs temporary assistance . When I suffered a back injury - I could barely do my ADLs myself - was just me stubborn determination that made that possible and I could barely leave the couch! But I didn’t need assisted living or placement . The pain medication could also be causing all this . Some people have a increased sensitivity to medication so many factors could be at play here. First- he may forget when he took last dose and so take more - not purposefully . Or conversely he may take more because he is still in pain. Also this might be why he neglects other medications . Second , might not be eating properly either because meds make him feel nauseated or too tired to eat much .
Finally both nausea and Constipation might also affect his intestinal issues. Perhaps he has an obstruction or blockage now. Hopefully you are getting to the bottom of this now and it can be resolved.
Whether or not this crisis means he can’t live at home alone - assisted living might be good for him. More interaction and socialization and help available when he needs it. If he can afford it explore this option . Some people do much better there and with vaccines happening hopefully these centers will no longer be places of isolation and infection .
hopefully you can get poa and other stuff sorted now too.

Imho, pain medications can and do irritate the digestive tract. Your father may require facility living. You cannot continue on with this dynamic. Prayers sent.

well pain meds will mess with his digestive system, it sounds like he should be in an AL where he can be taken care of more than you can handle.  If your father is willing to get the blood work done and the CT.....get it done but make sure the doctor knows that you can no longer take care of him and could he be recommended to an AL.  seek out an elder attorney also for any future advice, etc. wishing you luck.

Hopefully you can get his medical situation straightened out and get him stable.

There's no mention of his financial capabilities. Does he have enough income or assets to hire some daytime help so you don't have to run over there 3x a day while trying to keep a job? If he only needs a little help, say preparing meals and checking to see that he has taken his meds, perhaps a couple of hours around lunchtime?

I would highly recommend getting a timed/locked medication dispenser. Most have audio alarms as well as flashing lights, to indicate it is time to take the medication. Depending on how many times/day he needs to take meds, these can be set up from 1-4 weeks at a time. The person hired to help with lunch can check to see that he has taken them (aides can't dispense them, but they can check the dispenser and remind him to take the meds.) His pain meds should be kept in it as well, so that he isn't taking too many.

Can you also perhaps set up a camera, in the area where the dispenser would be kept, so that you can monitor as well, in case he needs to take some at other times during the day? If you check and he hasn't taken them, a quick phone call to remind him might work.

If he needs help preparing meals, something I tried was making extra of whatever meals I would make for myself, things that can be frozen, and packaged/froze them for my mother (she was no longer making food, just eating frozen dinners.) He should be able to manage breakfast, hopefully. If there is no money available for hiring someone, perhaps lunch could be meals on wheels?

Is he okay with all other self-care (bathing, toileting, keeping the place relatively clean, managing his bills/finances, etc)? If so, the medication dispenser should help with both limiting how many pain meds he takes and ensuring he takes his other medications. It will also eliminate having to run over there multiple times/day to take care of that issue. Be sure to either lock up the remaining meds or take them home with you so he has no access to them.

Is the situation with hubby just mean he doesn't want to help out with your dad? That is understandable, not nice, but if it only means he refuses to help, so be it. If he's giving you grief for doing what you do, then he needs to stop! Without knowing exactly what's going on, we can't really make the best suggestions, but perhaps he sees what effect the dad care has on you and can't express it properly, so it appears to be negative?

Try the camera and medication dispenser, as well as the meals on wheels (unless he can manage simple lunch meals, such as sandwiches, soups, etc.) If you have to help with shopping, be sure to have a list of the regular staples and any other items needed, so you can pick those up when you do your own shopping, or make the trip quicker if you take your dad to the store. Once/week should be enough - if I buy the right amount of items, I can usually get by every 2 weeks.

If you don't have POAs etc, this is something else to consider, after you stabilize everything else. If there's no time/money to get those done, at the least most doctors/medical facilities do have a release form that he can sign, allowing you to know/discuss his medical care and make decisions if he is unable to do so. A financial DPOA would be good to have, if/when he's ever incapacitated, so that you can manage his finances. It would be best to have a good atty do this document and your dad can stipulate when it would be activated, so he won't be concerned about you stepping in when he isn't ready! His income or assets should pay for this as well.

Hoping his shingles clear up soon! My mother went through that and it is VERY painful! Talk with his doctor about the vaccination they have for shingles, after it clears up. He will likely be willing to have that shot, having been through the pain once already! NOTE: having shingles does not prevent you from getting it again. It is a remnant of the chicken pox virus, that lurks, waiting.

Be incredibly careful about letting him take too many pain meds. It might seem harmless at first, but my aunt did that and she began to get lighthearted, dizzy, and fall far too often. At first, the falls were nothing, but after a while, she began to fall on her head. I had to take her to the emergency room 4 times in a single week, before I finally caught on that she was taking her long-deceased brother's pain meds along with her own, without telling anyone about it. After those falls, she began to act strangely around me, and the next fall she tore her rotator cuff in her arm, had to stay in the hospital for weeks, and then they diagnosed her with late-stage dementia. I thought it was a misdiagnosis, but those falls on her head could have caused it to creep up quickly. She never showed any signs of dementia before her hospital visit, but after that... man did it get impossible to care for her. Everything about her changed and not for the better either.

Make sure you get your father care somehow, but you probably can't do it all yourself. He needs to go to a facility where they can take care of him 24/7, or he needs hired help at home. He can't stay at home and expect you to keep him there all by yourself indefinitely.

Agree with Rusty. I'm in similar situation and keeping my job has to come first. Dad passed two years ago, Mom is in AL, feels she is not doing well there but it is our best choice for her safety and our sanity. We do not have a suitable space for her in our home and my husband would have to be there all day with her which would not work for either of them. Social workers available through the hospital E.R. are very good help and were quick to help me make decisions with my dad.

First of all, keep the job or you will up sh**'s creek. Second, as to your husband, just cross him off the list - he is not supporting you so don't care about him. Your father needs help but is not cooperating with what he has to do - perhaps dementia is setting in. I would move him to an assisted living facility at once where he will be monitored. You can't do everything and be everything and everywhere. You must think of you first so you don't fall. I would also get him to the E.R. and demand you know what is going on and explain the situation. Also contact a Social Worker and the local Office on Aging for advice and help.

You need to hire help or move your dad to a Care facility. The ER will not do that for you. ER can deal with a medical emergency, but it will not take over management of medications or day to day supervision.

Ask his PCP for a social worker to help sort through all your father's needs.

Sounds like he needs daily care like a caregiver not just home health nursing. Not sure how old father is.

No sense in moving him to your house since husband refuses to help and you are working full time. You would not have a minute's peace.

It appears your father has is at the point that he can not live alone. Since he is not taking his heart medications correctly, that issue needs to be dealt with along with the shingles. Since you work full time and can not care for him full time, it is time to enlist help now. If he has congestive heart trouble, weigh him. If he takes digoxin, check his pulse for a minute. If either of these is way out of whack, take him to the ER so they can evaluate him... and most likely admit him to get those issues back under control. Otherwise, consider taking him into your home temporarily, to control medications, while make other living arrangements for him. If there are finances, having home health aides with your father in his home is "do-able." The aides can remind your father to take his medications, but can not "give" him the medications. Other potions to consider are assisted living and memory care units; the administration staff can guide you into which option is better for your dad.

Take a deep breath.

This is a big responsibility, but you can do it!

Schedule the tests. Advocate for your dad. Make sure you both don’t get pushed around.

The biggest problem is that your dad is having health issues. When my parents were sick it seemed like everything in my world was all wrong and my life was falling apart, but what was really wrong was that they were sick.

You feel alone without siblings and a supportive spouse but look at the flip side-if these people were all involved and actively voicing their opinions, you could feel whiplash. from their complaining and criticizing. Their advice could be incongruous and at odds with your thoughts and your Dad’s wishes.

You do have a case manager - your primary care doctor. If you have had bad experiences or your provider is not helpful,ask around or do research to find a new doctor. Your dad needs a doctor who is reliable and can serve as his case manager.

Home with help/Assisted living/nursing home care is a difficult decision that only you and your dad should make, given his unique circumstances. There are many different options and combinations. Follow your instincts, but if you can financially, hire a little help in the meantime so you can make a decision with a clear mind.

Some of the people who provide advice on this site are think their way is the only way. There are many many choices and you should pick what’s right for you and your dad. He is so lucky to have you.

Take care of yourself.

If a person can not manage their medication or activities of daily living and has health issues, they should be in assisted living at the very least. You can not continue this way of managing his and your life and not end up stressed and ill both physically and emotionally. You must see this now and start thinking with your head not your heart. Be your own best counselor and talk to yourself the way they would. What would they be telling you? I think you know the answer.
do you have medical power of attorney? If not...then you should, otherwise you can make decisions. Also be sure you have HIPPA clearance with his doctors.
Get the lab work and CT so you and he can visit with the doctor. Perhaps he /she or the RN can give a referral to a social worker to help place your dad. He is not independent if he's demanding you come see him 3 times a day and work. No parent has the right to demand this of their child. You are going to run yourself into the ground.

You've gotten some great advice already. The only thing I don't see listed here yet would be your local Area Agency on Aging. They should be able to help you identify options and resources, for both your dad and you. Please remember that you MUST look out for yourself first or you'll have nothing left for anyone else. Sending you best thoughts for strength, comfort, and wisdom.

Running over to your dad's three times a day and you're still working full time! Your dad is not living independently. You are enabling a sham of independence. His needs are only going to increase given his age and, perhaps, after the results of the blood work and CT scan.

In my opinion, it is a bad idea for anyone to take on the responsibility of caring for someone without having the authority. Do you have durable power of attorney both medical and financial for your dad? If not, get it. If he won't give it, back off.

In order to help your dad without burning yourself out, you need to understand his finances. What income does he get? Does he own his home?

Has your husband always been unsupportive of you or is this new because he's tired of you running over to your dad's place three times a day? Do you value your marriage or is this a last straw?

I hope you will feel how much support people on this forum have to offer and that your feelings of hopelessness will start to diminish as you realize you have options and valuable information from people who have been in your shoes. Hugs.

Don’t apologize for your message being long.

This forum is here for you to explain your situation and also to vent.

You have a lot on your plate! It’s actually more than a person should be expected to deal with on their own.

Your dad needs more care than you can offer.

Can you ask your father’s doctor for a contact number or email for a social worker?

They can help with assistance in finding a suitable facility for your father.

Your dad needs medical care and you need to live your life.

You can monitor his care and continue to be an advocate for him.

Best wishes to you and your dad.

Take care.

I was also an only child,, when Mom and Dad moved in with me. Mom was in cardiac rehab.. I was still working full time. we got dad a "companion" from a home care company. Now I don;t assume to know your dads financial situation, but could he afford a day time caregiver? ( notice I said him and not YOU !) My hubs was also working at that time, and our CG was a blessing. We kept her even when Mom got home as she was so good with Dad.

If your father needs you here three times a day...he needs to be in a care facility. There is no way you can do this and continue to work. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

As for the unsupportive spouse, often they can see clearer than the caregiver can. Maybe not so much, unsupportive but more not willing to jump on the crazy train.

I think it is time for a talk with your father about long term plans and how you are unable to maintain the level of care you have been giving.

Actually sitting in ER now. Getting all the tests run that dr should have. As for husband? Maybe that negativity needs to go.

If your father has nursing coming in they can arrange for him to get some aide care too. His insurance pays for them and it will pay for some aide hours too.
Three times a day is too much for a person to be trying to handle themselves while also working full-time. Please talk to the nursing staff who goes to his house. They will help with getting some aide care for him.
In the meantime, I would say yes bring him to the ER if he's not getting the care and treatment he needs from his doctors. The ER will also send a social worker to speak to you and they might be a help to you as well. Good luck.

Others will log in--don't worry about that....better advice than I can give.

Can you do an "ER dump?" (I know it sounds awful). But it sounds like you are in over your head by a lot--I also did CG to my FIL for about 5(?) months and was running to his place 3xs a day and doing ALL THE THINGS. Still had 3 kids at home, too.

Dh was totally unsupportive and would actually gag and vomit if dad needed help toileting. FIL was so embarassed by this, I am in the bathroom trying to get him undressed and in the shower, he's fighting me, saying 'I'm fine' and poop is runnning down his legs....so I had to clean him, his clothes, the floor (carpet) AND our the front seat of our car....and DH is puking in the downstairs bathroom.

FIL's LAST ER run was basically an ER dump--I simply could NOT do the care any more and DH wouldn't and there was no one else. I explained to anyone who'd listen about the situation and we were working on a NH placement and he passed away. To this day, my DH blames me for shortening his dad's life by my lack of compassion. I didn't and don't accept that. In my mind, I know I facilitiated the last year of his life to be the best it could be--BUT we all have limits and I had mine.

Sounds like you are at the end of your capability to be a compassionate CG. Your health will start to tank and then what good are you to him?

I'm mean, maybe, but I think you'll get more attention if you take him to an ER and let the hospital know he is unsafe to discharge.

And yes, you do need someone to help you naviagte the waters of placing a sick elder in a facility. They know how to cut through the paperwork.

I wish you luck--be tough, but loving.

Hugs--you need them!

It sounds to me as though the only option will be for your Dad to enter care. However, of all the things you do mention, you don't mention dementia. That means you have no real ability to act.
What entity supplies this weekly RN ? I suggest you meet with her and Dad next visit and let him know in her presence you cannot continue. Beatty, one of our members has a truism I often repeat: "No other solutions will be found if you continue to be all the solutions".
If your Dad is abusing pain meds there is honestly good reason for his gut to be in a mess. I hope that's all it is.
You mention a not very supportive husband. I can't know what that means. Either he is trying to let you know you can't do this, or he is not supportive period. If you are trying to care for an uncooperative Dad and have a bad marriage with full time work, something will definitely give. Probably your own mental health.
I think you need to let Dad know this can't continue. He needed more care when your Mom was alive; he still does and it will get worse. He likely needs placement he won't accept, so there may be no answer but to back away and let him operate in his own behalf with some minimal shopping support until he understands this cannot go on; that may occur only with hospitalization. I am so sorry. That's an awful option; I just can't think of any good ones.