I'm not sure what else to do. My mother (a recent recovering alcoholic who is still Addicted to prescription meds) is the primary caregiver to my dad (stage iv lung cancer with brain metastasis). He has outlived his prognosis of 6 months to 1 year to 5 1/2 years! His quality of life has changed significantly and my mom refuses to cope - she feeds him whatever is easiest or takeout, let's him sleep till noon or later, won't make the effort to cook the healthy meals when all the resources are there (I have help from elder services for food shopping and cleaning) as well food shopping myself. He has been ordered by the doctors not to drive yet she continues to let him time and time and again and gets caught. She's putting his life in jeopardy and I'm at a loss as to what to do. I stayed there for almost 2 months until she basically drove me out and I'm scared for my dads life. What are my rights? I've reported her for elder abuse but that was useless.
Your Mom wants your Dad to be the way he was before the diagnosis, thus the reason she has him drive. And the reason she cooks what she does.
Your Mom may not want to do this, but seeing a talk therapist might do her a world of good. She can get off her chest everything that is bothering her, and get suggestions on how to manage her fears. The hard part will be finding a therapist who accepts Medicare. Best to get someone who is close to your Mom's age, and it is easier to relate.
I hear your concern for your dad. Have you tried talking to him? Is he OK with your mom's behaviour? If you are still concerned you could contact Adult Protective Services. Or talk to the social worker about your options. Are you able to move your dad to your home?
I'm sure things have not been easy for your mom either. Like the others have said, she could be burned out or even depressed herself. She probably is coping as well as you can given her own challenges as a recovering alcoholic.
In hindsight, I feel Ike based on what you are saying, I, too would be considered guilty of elder abuse. My dad almost starved to death after rehab from a stroke. Three months of taking 10 pills a day and he had no appetite. Once he got home and we were able to change his pills, he was able to eat again. I would let him do whatever he wanted. Sleep in. Eat all his favorite foods. Watch TV. I was so desperate for him to eat, I would let him have restaurant food almost every day. In hindsight, I do feel I made a mistake. But he was also grumpy and giving me stony looks. I didn't know what to do sometimes, but just take care of the surface issues. No offer help from siblings, friends or extended family.
I also let my parents sleep as long as they want. It's not like they have a list of things they have to do. Old people's lives can be pretty boring and they sleep a lot toward the end of life. Thank goodness for TV with my mother! It helps keep her entertained so I can work and do things I need to. Your mother must be doing okay if your father was given a few months and he is still alive 5.5 years later. He must not want to leave his life just yet.