My MIL has dementia, is overweight and is severely incontinent and yet, the family intends for her to attend her grandson's wedding in another month and a half. She is wheelchair-bound. They have hired a caregiver to help my MIL during the 6 - 8 hr-long church service and reception that follows. It is not clear that the venues are handicapped-accessible. This is all taking place in Germany where the family lives. My husband and I are flying over for the event. I am very concerned about how this will all play out- for all involved. Any ideas about how to deal with this situation?
Really, you wonder why this has not been thought through. I watched my 30 plus husband and his 30plus cousin take another adult cousin and his wheelchair down a flight of steps and held my breath the whole time. It was scary. Well, I guess, they will find out when she gets there..."how are we going to get her in the building?"
Really, they hired a senior to deal with maybe needing to toilet this lady? I don't think a trained CNA could do this alone if MIL is not able to help.
And, forward them to the family members here and in Germany, and the wedding couple.
Did I read this correctly - the caregiver for the MIL is a senior, possibly needing to care the MIL to the basement bathroom.
In addition, it is important to realize that the people advocating to bring the MIL, with all her stated conditions, is FOR the benefit of (some of) the family. They are not considering the situation from the MIL's point of view / her welfare or what could happen to her, including being over-stimulated. There are many times and situations in life where we need to put our feelings/needs aside and, instead, consider the needs of the other person.
Gena / Touch Matters
The OP seems concerned that this will be too much for her MIL. Maybe she is also concerned that her and her husband will be expected to jump in and assist if things go south. There is nothing wrong with being worried about that.
How many times have we all said taking a person with dementia to an event is probably not the best idea. They do better with routine. But somehow this event is different? I understand they are providing a caregiver, but it sounds like this person will need more than one considering the bathroom situation. What happens if she gets sick or soils herself in the banquet hall? Who is designated clean up crew because I am sure the banquet hall staff won't be.
That is an interesting take on the situation. Family being not so much ashamed of an elderly or mentally ill family member, but rather if it will reflect badly on them. I've seen that play out many times. A senior will be looking for pity so they bad-mouth their adult kids and many times it's totally false, but they can be convincing.
I had it happen to me. My mother spoke terribly about me to others and some people believed it. I was approached by a friend of hers some time back an this woman was intent on giving me a good telling off. I stopped her dead in her tracks with only one sentence.
'I'm the only one that shows up'.
In the future, Caregivers can refer to the human being using "first person language." Many do not know this.
Referring to a person by their disease (e.g., "a diabetic" or "the schizophrenic") is considered dehumanizing, disrespectful, and stigmatizing. It reduces an individual to a diagnosis, causing emotional distress, shame, and reinforcing negative stereotypes.
Using "person-first" language—such as "person with diabetes"—separates the individual from their condition, honoring their humanity.
Person-First Language: Always prioritize the person over the diagnosis. For instance, say "person with cancer" instead of "a cancer-ic" or "a cancer patient".
Avoid Labels: Terms like "diabetic," "schizophrenic," or "the mentally ill" are dehumanizing labels that define a person solely by their illness.
Avoid "Victim" Language: Phrases such as "suffering from," "victim of," or "confined to a wheelchair" are condescending and imply a lack of agency.
Psychological Harm: Using such language, especially when labeling mental illnesses, can cause significant emotional harm, including anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
Why It Matters: RESPECT and DIGNITY
Respectful, person-first language is crucial in both daily life and healthcare to treat individuals with dignity and compassion.
Using appropriate, respectful language acknowledges that the person is not defined by their illness.
If this is the writer's mother-in-law, she needs to talk to her husband.
This venue requires MUCH MORE than 'just' handicapped-accessible.
What about having a bowel movement in the chair and MIL wanting to move and/or stand up. Or 'simply' the unpleasantness of urine or feces during the ceremony / reception should MIL have elimination issues at this time. Does the family 'care' ?
Not only is this cruel to the MIL inflicted with dementia and other serious health conditions, it is as thoughtLESS as could be to subject the bride and groom, and ALL the guests to this situation.
There must be social workers / Dementia Associations in Germany that the family could access to discuss this with - ? sounds like this writer's husband needs to step up and insist. Or does the family not want to outside, professional support?
Why would a person with dementia be invited?
Overall, They do not know what is going on and could make a huge scene.
If anything, all the STIMULI will upset the MIL.
Is this what the family wants?
I am close to speechless. Wondering if this is a gag forum question.
I can't imagine that a family would be this ignorant - especially if this MIL has been inflicted for a while - although there is no excuse.
If I were this writer, I would not attend - tell your husband this - unless provisions are made that support everyone concerned.
Gena / Touch Matters
My niece is getting married in May, and we have already told our mom that she is in too bad a shape to attend. She was angry at first, but appears to be accepting the decision now.
What is their reason for including MIL and how far along is her dementia? Does she know her grandchild? Does she understand that he or she is getting married? Will she be able to sit through the ceremony and reception and behave? Or will she be confused, miserable and disruptive and exhausted afterwards? Is this worth just having her in the pictures assuming that is the goal? If the couple wants her blessing, etc, could they not meet with her briefly and privately before or after?
I’m glad there will be an aide to look after her, otherwise whichever family member(s) are appointed to do this will miss out on the entire experience. Even with the aide, I wonder about this.
My son got married last summer. If my dad (who had frontotemporal dementia) had been alive, there is no way I would have supported him being there. He would not have enjoyed it in the least and it would have been a huge amount of work for me plus disruptive having him there. My mother does not have dementia but she has very limited mobility and a lot of untreated anxiety. She decided herself not to attend.
This could be such a nightmare . . . and to think these are the memories for the bride and groom. Gena
We are all like turtles. Some have beautiful shells, and some shells that have scars, marks, or damage. What really matters is the turtle inside. Our shells die, but who we are is the turtle, not the shell.
The caretaker will make sure she has on the necessary underwear, and take care of her needs. Is life only allowed for thin people with no diseases? Stop being so judgmental. She was a baby, a kid, and a young healthy adult at one time. Have some compassion, and welcome her to the wedding. You have a lot to learn about what is important in life.
My in laws were planning on flying to my son’s wedding . It would have been a disaster . They were refusing our plan to pay for and supply an aide and wheelchair etc . My husband and I were willing to pay for these needed arrangements so we could enjoy ourselves . I’m sure one of them would have fallen, otherwise . Last minute they decided they were not comfortable traveling .
You are a guest.
MIL has local family that take care of her. They have hired a CNA for the day to be with grandma. The CNA may take her home early.
Your role is simply to show up and be a wedding guest.
Your husband's role is to say hello to his mother.
The local family in Germany is okay with things and the grandson is okay with things. In much of Europe families are more hands on with care than in the US.
Your role is to show up and celebrate the bride and groom.
My child is getting married in another country this summer. I don't like to travel, and I'm afraid of flying. If I were planning this wedding, I wouldn't have picked an overseas location. Lots of things could go wrong. I've chosen to focus on supporting my child and her partner in whatever ways they ask me to.
This is so NOT your problem.
Unless YOU are being asked to escort her to Germany
Unless YOU are being asked to take care of her
Unless YOU are being asked to change her briefs
If you are upset about this and how it will play out it is your option to decline the wedding invitation and stay home.
Enjoy the trip and the wedding.
I am sure the rest of the family is looking at this as it may be the last time many of the relatives will see "Mildred" and THEY are looking forward to it. If they do not have a clue as to what she will need that is on them and I am sure that is why they are having a caregiver by her side.
Is the groom your husband's son?
Have you heard of caring grandchildren going to grandma's bedside before the wedding, even saying their vows there dressed up in wedding attire, a very short visit, bringing her a treat. So very sweet, the planning and the visit, and filming it.
Or, bringing grandma some cake after, with a video of the wedding, showing her
the ring? If she doesn't remember anyone, introduce the bride and groom anew.
A problem they're likely to have with MIL on this trip (out of many) is that airlines are notoriously irresponsible with wheelchairs. You can't bring the chair into the cabin, usually, so they are put in cargo with the luggage. There are multiple videos online of workers throwing the chairs around, even the customized type that are expensive and difficult to replace. Can she walk to her seat on the plane if she is normally wheelchair bound? There is likely to be more than one plane ride just to get to Germany. You should be able to look online at the venue and find out whether or not it is wheelchair accessible.
I think if there is an aide, and you stand firm in saying you won't have anything to do with any transfers or care, etc., you should put your concerns to the side and enjoy the wedding. It's a bad idea but you've been given great advice and permission to stay way out of this situation which is likely to turn into a fiasco.
If you think it might matter, you could compile a list of things that will go wrong during this ill-conceived plot and express it to someone in charge. I'm glad there is an aide, but it doesn't sound like one aide will be enough. When I say "if you think it might matter", I mean if you care about MIL having a really hard time throughout this entire thing and potentially being set back permanently.
It really sounds like the people advocating for this have no idea what is involved and no idea of what it would be like for an incontinent wheelchair bound dementia patient to experience that long of a day under those circumstances, even without the intense travel. I would bring this up one time only and then I would forget it entirely. It is a shame, though, if MIL is not up to this trip and this wedding and they bring her anyway.
It's not a good idea to bring a demented, wheelchair-bound, incontinent person on a flight, especially one as far as Europe if your MIL has to fly. If she drops a load and the aide can't get her cleaned up there's nowhere to land over an ocean. If the family is willing to do this and have arranged everything, let them do it. Stay out of it.
You clearly have a problem with your MIL. So don't be part of the effort to get her to the wedding. In fact, you should take a separate flight then the one she's going to be on and if that's not possible fly First Class. If MIL, her aide, and everyone else are flying coach you won't have to see, hear, or smell anything up in First Class.
At the hotel, make your reservations on a different floor than where your MIL will be staying. Maybe even stay at a different hotel. Ask to be seated at the farthest table away from her at the wedding reception too. You'll be fine. I'm sure no one in your family wants any help from you anyway when it comes to your MIL, so no worries.
One thing though. Most likely bringing MIL to the wedding is not going to go well. I'm speaking from 25 years in the field of homecare. If you love and respect your family you will refrain from any 'I told you so' or rubbing it in when the plans of having her at the wedding go wrong.
However, if OP follows your sage advice, they can avoid all of the issues that are sure to arise, and they should make sure everyone involved knows that they are not someone to come to about any of it.
Are you inserting yourself into a situation in which you are not needed?
Your overall concern is not necessary since other family members have control of the situation or so it seems. Attend the wedding and have a great time and leave the worry behind because it isn't your concern.
If it proves to be too overwhelming for your MIL the caregiver should recognize this and properly remove her from the celebration.
Be sure to treat your anxiety about this situation so that you and others aren’t burdened with your disapproval. Meditation, tapping, medication, deep breathing, exercise can all be helpful for anxiety.
Life happens and most weddings contain at least one snafu. It sounds with the prep for MIL, the ones in charge are well aware. Enjoy your trip.