My mother passed away 2 months ago and was there to help my father. He had grief induced worsening dementia and we had no choice but to love him. With us out of state, this further caused agitation and confusion. We have temporarily placed him in a very nice memory care facility, but he had gotten “better” or at least back to his baseline. He had recent seizures so the state will not allow him to drive. We are in agreement, he is 80 and there is no need. He wants to be in his long time home. I cannot move in with him and my brother and his wife live 10 minutes away. Plus, he really doesn’t want anyone living with him. What do we do? Memory care at this point is overkill for him; at the time we placed him, he was trying to leave our home on several occasions and got aggressive with my husband, which is not his nature. My brother feels if he was in his own environment he would far better.
He has not gotten "better"
He is getting socialization, he is getting cared for, he is getting his meals and his daily needs cared for by a full staff of people.
If he were to move out of the MC facility the would become isolated, not eat properly, not care for himself, may wander off attempting to go to the store, the mailbox, get the paper or just to go for a walk.
He has lost the ability to make sound, safe decisions so someone must make those decisions for him. They may be decisions that he is not happy with. Just as he and your mom made decisions for you when you were unable to make good decisions for yourself. But they kept you safe now you must do the same for him.
2 hours was the timeframe one man with mild dementia told me he loved being at home in his own house that last time.
He had pushed & pushed family & hospital staff to allow him home.
After 2 hours he got worried. Had he done the right thing? His daughter was far away. She didn't answer the phone. He didn't know what to eat, he was worried about people breaking in overnight, he wanted to lock the doors but couldn’t find his keys. He called EMS. When they asked what his emergency was he said he didn't know but just didn't think he felt good at home. He said his bottom was very sore from sitting in his chair, that he couldn't drive, didn't know what to do, pleaded they come & get him. He kept calling them until they did.
Start asking your Father what he wants. What he REALLY wants.
Home is a concept, sometimes it is a PLACE, sometimes a FEELING, sometimes it is in THE PAST.
Does he want to be safe? Have hot dinners? A comfortable bed?
Does he want to feel loved?
Reassure him. That he will be loved & cared for.
An empty house will not provide those things.
If he is asking to "go home" this is called Sundowning and the person is usually referring to their childhood home, the one deepest in their long-term memory. This was demonstrated by my Aunt with mod/adv dementia who cried to "go home" every afternoon as she sat in the recliner of the home she's been in since 1975.
The caregiving arrangment works if it works for the caregiver(s). You will burn out trying to keep him safe when he doesn't participate in his behaviors that will help him stay safe. He now needs MC unless you're willing to constantly orbit around him. It makes no sense. And honestly, the socialization he will get in a good facility will eventually be good for him.
You can't let someone with a broken brain call the shots on this -- he has no idea what he's asking (dementia robs people of their empathy) and you have no idea just how impossible and draining it will be for you.
If he isn't on meds for depression, anxiety and agitation, he will never be able to be in a more relaxed state, since dementia robs people of their reason and logic and makes them incapable of bringing themselves to a place of acceptance and peace. Please watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube so that you can educate yourselfs and be better advocates for your Father.
Solid advice has been given to you by many others on this thread. Please take it to heart from those who have been there and done that.
Your dad's dementia, like everyone is saying, did not really "get better," he simply received the care and attention he needs, which is the most important thing. His health and well-being improved (not his dementia, which can't get better) because it's working! Moving him around over and over again is really not a good idea, and will only make things harder and make him decline all over again. Keep it simple and consistent. Stability and care are what people with dementia need most of all. Help him adjust to being where he is, and look at addressing his anxiety and stress with meds, but I would recommend keeping him in the place where he is getting the best care and attention. It's hard, and we want to give our parents what they "want" but people with dementia don't really know what they want and need.
"He still knows me, his wife!" But the conversation plays out, and we discover he puts his clothes on backwards and has wandered a time or two but someone found him and brought him home. That is not mild dementia.
"She forgets where she put the butter, but she can fix her own meals." Then we learn that she put the butter in the kitchen drawer six weeks ago and someone just now found it. That is not mild dementia.
"He needs a little help driving, but as long as I'm with him and can tell him where to turn, we get to the store just fine." Yeah, but he had a fender bender in the parking lot a month ago and, well, that's not mild dementia either.
Your dad has seizures. Are you okay with his having a seizure and lying on the floor in a puddle of his urine all day until someone comes to check on him? He gets aggressive, and next time, with whom? That's a dementia symptom and could get a lot worse. Like shooting the mailman because he doesn't realize the mailman is a benign visitor, not the devil that dad's begun to see in the window reflections but didn't tell you about because he forgot. (You think that can't happen? Let me tell you about my mom and the dragon on her porch.) Also, leaving your home sounds like wandering. He just didn't get very far.
What's his baseline? How do you know he's at his baseline? With dementia there's no such thing as a constant baseline. Expect the unexpected with dementia because they change all the time, and it never gets better, only worse. Much worse.
Your dad's own environment that your brother wants to take him back to is forever changed. Mom's not there, and dad's broken brain is changing what he senses and sees everywhere, even at home. What you and brother want for dad and what dad needs are two different things. Leave him in memory care, you're lucky he's there. He needs time to adjust, and eventually he won't remember much about his previous home anyway. Sorry, but that's what happens.
Good luck. I've been through it too, and I know it's hard to see a parent any other way but the way they've been.
I've heard them all, but I especially like the one about needing a little help driving.
If a person needs ANY help driving, they do not belong behind the wheel anymore.
Whenever I would take on a new client, I always asked the family to be detailed about what "a little help" meant to them.
That's one tiny example of 1000 things that can go wrong in one day for an elder with dementia living alone. It's simply not doable and your brother is sadly mistaken, unfortunately.
See about a trial run in AL IF such accommodations are available in dad's current facility. Otherwise, leave him be.
That can't be replicated if he's home alone.
At this point, what your dad needs is more important than what he wants.
Hiring 24/7 care at his home is very expensive and your Dad would probably refuse and “fire” the help . I also do not recommend having Dad living with you or another family member , Dad will only decline and become more unreasonable .
If you take him out of a facility it will be that much harder to get him back in one . He will be difficult to remove from his home .
It’s not about what Dad wants anymore , it’s what Dad needs which is 24/7 supervision , IMO in assisted living .
You already had aggression issues with him at home, that could certainly happen again as he becomes more unreasonable again as his dementia progresses . Dad sounds like the type that will not listen to family tell him what to do at home .
My mother had dementia and she became impossible and the doctor told me that those with dementia often reach that point where family can not care for them any longer because they don’t want to be told what to do by their adult children. They have to be in a facility .
Good luck.
You can possibly move him back one level to AL for now and see how it goes.
Obviously, your brother does not understand dementia.
Read around this site, most want to go home, then when they get back there everyone has to be their crutches as they are no longer able to care for themselves.
If your brother wants to be a 24 hour a day caregiver, then you need to back out, he will quickly learn that father cannot function on his own and will burn out.
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