My parents (93 and 94) had to move into a (very nice) assisted living facility in October. Hard on everybody, not their plan, but Mom had a mild stroke in August and Dad couldn't take care of her. Neither could I, as I have several health issues of my own. I am the local child, my sibling lives in another city.
They're adjusting all right in many ways (although my mom thinks half the nurses are "mean"), but whenever they have a health crisis more often than not I'm still the one who gets called. This morning my dad had some weakness in an arm, and they called us asking if my husband might be able to take him to the ER and me come sit with Mom. I couldn't go, as I'm having a bad flare day. Hubby could take Dad, but Dad finally decided it was "just neuropathy" and decided against it. They did finally consult the PA at their facility, who said to just keep an eye on things and let Dad's doc know. (He's had a TIA before, and he's on blood thinners already.)
They haven't broken the pattern of "Mom can't stay by herself, you need to come" for these things. She's literally in an "assisted" living facility, and while she can't get up and move about much on her own, she CAN contact a nurse or aide for help (except "they don't come fast enough"). What would they do if we didn't live here?
I love my parents and want to be helpful, but my mom's stroke and all the subsequent stress (including the "preparing their house for sale" stress, much of which fell on me) has wrecked my already tenuous health, and my doctor says I need to try to keep stress levels down. How do I get across to my parents that they're safe and in good hands where they are, and we don't need to be the first go-to anymore?
This is for discussion now with your parents, their doctors and the administration. First for parents. Are they still full code blue status and all heroic measures, or are they in more a palliative care situation, in which they do not wish any heroic measures? Important to know. Because currently they are going for every liittle things to ER.
I will be honest. Taking them to ER yourselves will have YOU and HUBBY and a parent in mid 90s sitting in ER forEVER. NOT good. If they need to go to ER (and weakness in arm could be a stroke that needs IMMEDIATE treatment with clot busters) then they go with 911.
It is time to tell the Administration that they may not wish to go to hospital. That if they do not, code status needs discussing. Time to discuss with parents and their docs. And time to stop being the on-call transportation. Ambulance called for problems. PERIOD.
Best of luck. Again, I am so glad they are in care.
So, start by not answering your phone when they call. Let is go to voicemail. (Same if they call your husband, if they don't reach you.) The you can let the facility staff know what the issue is, and the staff can go check on your parents. The staff can call an ambulance, or have their on-call doctor/NP check on them, like what happened today. If one of them has to go to the ER, the staff can move the other one out into the common area or the activity area, to keep an eye on her or him.
Eventually your parents will, hopefully, learn to contact the staff first. Even if they don't, you'll get out of the stressful mindset of feeling like you have to be at their beck and call.
Talk with the manager and get a clear idea of who you should call for what. For example, when to call the assisted living director, and when to call the nursing staff, and who to call at night. The staff is used to this, good at assessing problems, and good at calming the residents down.
As far as mom not being "left alone" goes, shes never alone in AL. Contact the Social Director and ask her to encourage your mom to get out to the social activities daily. To make friends and rely on them when and if shes lonely. She's always safe in AL because shes never but a button press away from help.
She cannot expect immediate help unless it's an emergency, but they ALL do. My mother was chronically complaining about waiting for more than a few minutes for anything or anybody. As if she were the only resident they had and only her needs mattered. They become a lot more self centered and egocentric with age, truly they do.
Give them time to acclimate by NOT being their answer to everything, which forces them to rely on staff instead. It's the only way. Also keep educating them on procedures in AL. They WILL eventually adapt. Humans have an amazing ability to do that, especially when in a hotel-like environment with all their needs being met for them. We should all be so lucky in old age. Don't get to feeling sorry for them......there is no earthly reason for it.
Best of luck to you.
My mom has said my dad sometimes mentions he wish they could just Go Home (and by that he means Heaven). But I think those are in their darker moments when they're tired and overwhelmed. I'm not sure how serious they are. My mom will fight to the end even if she's miserable, that's just how she is.
So yeah, we need to have the hard conversations now that they are so much closer to us needing to know what to do. It didn't seem so close 15 years ago (our family is long-lived), but now, yes, it's close and we have to know what to do when that day comes.
And y'all are also right in that I need to draw hard boundaries. I'm in my early 60s and hoping to make it another couple of decades, so really need to take care of my own health.
(but if you show up to the ER they have to take you but you really don’t want to do that right now because it’s a sign there are no beds open)…
And if someone takes him to the ER he is going to sit with the infected for 12-24 hours before getting seen and he will be in a hospital hallway in a bed lined up for 8 or so of those hours.
This is why no, someone can’t just bring him to the ER. Those days are long gone.
You will get calls when your parents fall, thats a law. I got one at 6am telling me Mom fell out of bed. Do you have to go running, no. There is staff there who will watch over them. Everytime your asked to do something that an aide can do, tell Dad that. "You have an aide assigned to you push the call button " You may also remind Dad that you have health problems of your own that you can't be at his beck and call. This is why he is in an AL paying for someone to do what you can 't do.
Their first thought is to call you, which I'm sure they have done in the past.
You say they are in good hands. When you are called to come help, you can gently remind them that they can call a nurse. Remind them that they are in assisted living and that there is a team of competent nurses and assistants who can check on them, assess their need, and get them to a doctor or hospital if needed. Just keep prompting them to rely on the nursing staff where they live, and they will begin to trust in that protocol.
If someone needs to sit with mom for hours, then assisted living might not be the appropriate level of care for her. You can hire a companion aide or someone to help with activities of daily living if your parents need more support than the assisted living staff can provide. Meet with a director or the care team, if there is a nurse in charge, to discuss your parents level of care needs, which could change. The staff makes a care plan to fit each resident's needs, and that will need to be revised as your parents needs change.
So while my mom does have mobility issues and can't see well (advanced macular degeneration), she's also just very fearful and has lost all self-assurance. We need to get sorted how much of that she just have to learn to live with and how much the facility can take on. We need to talk with the staff, so will talk about this issue with them. Thank you!
That is a given.
So ... by no means did I suggest mom be encouraged to 'complain' - or be allowed to (?)
IMPORTANT TO REALIZE THAT:
1) Asserting one's self / feelings is not complaining; it is self-care;
2) So many people do not know they can do that or have the right to;
3) Know how to do and based on history and conditioning - it is a belief system it isn't okay to express one's self and/or they automatically process as they are fault for asserting themselves.
From what we are told, mom spoke of 'nurses,' not aides - who are certainly often overworked and not allowed/equipped to deal with emotional or psychological issues/responses from residents. And, they shouldn't.
This needs to be handled with upper management.
And, certainly, mom may be expressing her overwhelm and dismay by focusing inappropriately on a nurse or line staff. That is the 'reason' to have a discussion - to allow Mom to express herself and her needs, to be explored. Ultimately, we want Mom to feel better in a very difficult life / living transition situation for her.
A person knowing they matter 'enough' to be listened to (heard), especially as one ages / is older, is vitally, if not critically important. It shows that they matter to others; that they have a voice that others respect.
So ... this has nothing to do with as you say "I disagree that mom be encouraged to complain..." It is quite the opposite.
Gena
I recommend you speak to the AL Dept Manager. If that doesn't get your needs met, talk to the facility administrator.
Let him/her know that your parent(s) needs a bit more attention / reassurance:
* Have mgr talk to them offering reassurance / confirm services offered
or
- Ask for a three (or four) way in person meeting betw you, parent(s)), and staff dept manager or social worker.
- Doesn't mean one meeting will change your mom's feelings. It may - will - take more time. Only you can change the current behavior / dynamics that have been in place. You are not being mean, you are being responsible and helping everyone concerned.
* Encourage staff to speak to your mom about the 'mean' nurses - so she can get it out and the staff mgr can address. Your mom needs to know (learn?) that she can speak up to mgmt if she feels she isn't being treated well / with kindness.
* Don't be shy asking staff / administrator for support. You / parents likely paying TOP $ for these accommodations / services and staff should be more than happy to talk to your parents / listen to their concerns, ease their fears.
Your parents are still adjusting and upper mgmt know this. It is a very common sitaution. They know how to handle it with compassion.
You 'get across to my parents that they are safe / in good hands" by stepping back with compassion.
As long as you continue to be there / available at their every whim or concern, they (mom?) will keep calling you. You are the one that needs to ease into new behavior even if it feels like tough love.
* When you mom calls you, tell her immediately to contact the Dept Manager or department; she needs to learn that she cannot continue to reach out to you at the first sign of distress / concern as she is on automatic. Re-assure her that staff will immediately call you if anything needs your attention.
Your mom is doing what she's always done. Relying on a 'stranger' (in your mom's experience) isn't her first desire / inclination. She needs reassurance to adjust being in a new living environment. Its a major change in her life.
Do not forget that YOU need some down time.
It is a family unit adjustment. You will - and they will - adjust.
Gena / Touch Matters
Anyway, great advice, thanks for it! I at least now know some things we can do.