Follow
Share

My grandmother has been in a nursing home for 2 years and probably as a result, has lost the will to live. SInce I do not live nearby, I've been told by my mother she is not eating or drinking and sleeps almost all the time and does little if anything since her physical condition is so frail. She is probably only days from death. Her mental faculties are still good and recognized and read some cards I sent to her. I feel so helpless, and feel like we're all just on a deathwatch here. Due to the distance, I'm unable to see her. My mother is doing regular visits to her, but is unable to get her to eat or drink.
How does one deal with a person that's lost the will to live? I dread the coming days, and feel bad for unable to do anything to or for my grandmother. Why would someone lose the will to live when we all want her to stay with us? I have never had a close death in the family and do not know how to deal with this.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Hugs to you, oldbeagle. Each of us experiences a first loss of a loved one, and then more after that. We all get through it. You will, too.

I am so happy for you that you have had this beloved grandparent through your childhood and into adulthood. She has been a part of your life, and her death doesn't erase that.

Death is inevitable for each of us. It is not your grandmother's fault for "giving up." It is not your mother's fault for not being able to get her to eat. It is the way the world works. When a body starts shutting down, eating and drinking cease to be of value.

You think that Grandmother has lost the will to live because she is in a nursing home. I suspect that she is in a nursing home because her health has declined, and she has been on this final journey toward the end of life for some time. It is being on the journey that has caused the need for the nursing home -- not the nursing home that has caused the journey.

The only way to avoid the pain and feelings of helplessness you are experiencing now is to never have someone in your life who has made such a positive difference that you will miss them. I am glad your life has not been that empty.

Stay in close touch with your mother as this drama unfolds. Comfort each other. Celebrate with each other the joy it has been to have had Grandmother as a part of your life.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

I am going through the exact same thing right at this moment. My 89 year old father crawled into bed on June 19th and has eaten very little if at all since then, today will be his 3rd day without drinking. Hospice was initiated yesterday after a 3 day marathon of social workers and nurses...you see...my father was in fairly good health up until the beginning of June. He drove, tended to the garden and was the primary caregiver for my mother with stage 6 alzheimer's. The dr. believes he grew depressed and got to a point where he just lost all hope because of the drain my mother's care has been on him. I am devastated that he refused all medical help. I begged, cried, threatened...all to no avail. He just gave up. In the last week I have set up hospice and made funeral arrangements for a man that one month ago was active and vital. The social worker said that he is writing the last chapter of his book his way, and I have finally succumbed to his wishes. We must be strong and know in our hearts that this is the choice that they have made...we have done the best we can and now we must let them go on their terms.. Blessings to you...
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Encourage your mother to contact a local hospice organization; they can ensure your grandmother's comfort, they can provide support to your mother and provide both you and your with education to help understand what is happening and what to expect at end of life.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Hugs to you, cmkk7929, in this very difficult time.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

My father lost his will to live. As difficult as that was, he was ready. I think the best thing we can do, is to shower that person with love and thank them for the impact they had on our lives. We need to be okay with talking about death. It is a part of life and sometimes we have to reflect on our memories and give the person permission to die. God willing, we will be united again in a different time.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

In short: Let go. I know you feel helpless and want her to stay with you. But it's her life and maybe she is ready to leave it. What does she have to look forward to if she continues to live? You want her to live for YOUR reasons, and that is being selfish. I'm in good health at age almost 73, but I have no desire to live as long as my mother did. She died last year at 95. I love life, I volunteer as a social worker, my marriage is wonderful, but I'm tired of putting up with all the "crap" that goes on in the world today. Besides, I know where I'm going when I did, and it will be a far better place than here. Your grandmother has the right to decide what she wants to do with her life; not you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

no one can change the will of another.
the senior population suffers greatly from depression. this is because that they see the end is near. their lives are consumed of memories of the past. for some there is little to look forward to, particularly if they live in a care center.
the hope is that your loved one is as happy as possible as they move through this difficult stage of their life. the immediate care giver is also in great need of support, assistance, relief and love during this period.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You do not say how old your grandmother is, and this would be an important detail. This behavior in someone in their 70's would be very different from that of someone in their late 80's or 90's. I have been a fulltime caregiver for the past 18 months for my 92 year old mother-in-law with advanced Alzheimer's. Since the death of her husband two years ago, she has declined significantly, however, she still eats and drinks and her vitals remain pretty strong. She sleeps almost all the time, but I'm not sure that I would describe this as still having the will to live. From things she says, she seems to have more of a fear of death rather than a will to live, She seems to find enjoyment from nothing in life any longer, and we have tried many things to reinvigorate that. I believe it may actually be an act of grace to come to an acceptance of death that allows one to lose interest in food and water. When all the body seems to be living for is simply to sustain itself, I have to wonder where the quality of life is. My mother-in-law recognizes no one, cannot communicate meaningfully nor take care of herself in any way. I know for a fact that this is not the life she foresaw or wanted for herself, yet her physical self pushes on. I believe it is the longevity genes that she inherited. Her last remaining sibling, out of 9, is now 98, and she has been living in a nursing home, unhappy and languishing, for seven years now. Twice over the years, she did stop eating and drinking, and was transported to a local hospital for hydration and nutrition therapy. Now, she has a "no transport" order signed by her children so that she will not return to the hospital if this happens again. Oddly, though, in the past two years since this was put in place, she has not stopped eating or drinking. Her vitals remain strong, too, yet she seems miserable all the time. The Life Force is a mystery, and I believe that, as a society, we need to learn a lot more about end of life questions and decisions such as this.
It sounds as though you are still able to find comfort in your time with your grandmother, and I hope that she finds the same with you. Just being there with someone through this may be the greatest gift we can give and receive.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Much depends on the amount of time and effort you can expend. To put it succinctly, if you can engage her then she will focus on living again. It is as simple as that. At least, it should be.

In truth, nothing is ever simple. Finding the right trigger that will 'give her something to live for' could take much hard effort over a long period of time. You may have neither the strength nor the time. Even if you try your hardest, you might not find that 'something' which kindles the spark.

That spark could be giving her something to look forward to - the long awaited marriage of a favourite grandchild, or the birth of a new child. Or it might simply be a case of encouraging an interest that she has long forgotten - knitting, reading (or listening to someone reading). Sometimes a common 'enemy' can bring colour and life into a grey endless existence. Some facilities allow a pet to visit. There are programs (in Australia at least) where specially trained dogs are brought in to bring love and light to those in aged care.

Often people lose the will to live because they cannot contribute to or engage with life. Every day is the same, there's nothing to look forward to, their lives are full of "can'ts" and they feel little more than a burden.

Finding the right key can be very difficult and sometimes there is no 'right key'. Sometimes you cannot breathe new life into others. And sometimes you can.

I hope that helps a little. It's a hard situation and, truly, you may be able to positively influence her - or you might not. Please don't be too hard on yourselves if you cannot.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My mom was going thru the exact same experience. Was not eating, and drinkink supplemental drinks. It was very scary. My mom was saying she wasn't eating because she wanted to die. She was living on her own.The transition from living in an apartment then skilled nursing, due to a fall, was overwhelming. Mom had managed to loose 25 pounds between march 19 -June. I was asked to consider feeding tube. I was reluctant to go that route. The dietician interview mom for food she liked. Gave him all good answers. Dr and a dietician decide on a appetite stimulant. She has gained 5 pounds. Stayed on the meds for a month. It was so nice to see her awake, alert and normal. Mom is 82. and will be 83. She's come a long way. Also, I did ask our parish priest to visit my mom. Shortly after that she did begin eating again. I am glad now that I didn't go for the feeding tube. I would have done that if it was medically necessary. This not eating was a behavior and a mental attitude. I am my moms poa and health care surrogate. I was very concern about my mom day in and day out. You do the best you can and ask for guidance from the lord. He listened .
Take care
equinox
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter