Polar opposite sibling approaches! I don’t think there’s a compromise, is there?

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Polar opposite sibling approaches! I don’t think there’s a compromise, is there?

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Mom is 93, lives alone in paid-for house, drives, cooks (well, microwaves ready-made stuff) and is in good health except for some hearing loss. All her marbles, no falls so far, and still enjoys fiddling with her yard and plants. I see her about once every two weeks, when I take my daughter’s two little ones over to visit for a couple of hours, which she enjoys. That’s really all the interaction we have; she and I have never been close, and as she seems okay, I don’t feel any need to do more.

My younger sister adores her, calls her daily (sometimes more), and accompanies her to any doctor appointments that involve an out-of-town drive. They have always been much closer, and, frankly, that has been fine with me. I have been perfectly happy all my life with our assigned roles, i.e., I was/am the brainy, unsentimental one, Sister was/is the cheery, lovey-dovey one. Suited me then, suits me now.

Well. I recently learned that, unbeknownst to me, Sister took Mom to visit a retirement place—nice, good reputation, not one of the over-the-top, outlandishly-priced country-club sort, but certainly expensive. It is not a care facility; really, just old-folks apartments with a restaurant-style dining room. And, I guess, activities and such.

When I found out (Mom told me, after the fact, and mentioned the monthly fee) I called Sister and said, “You realize that a place like this will not accept Medicaid, and if she sells her house, she will have too much cash to even APPLY for Medicaid, and by the time she spends it down—“ that’s as far as I got. “She will NOT need Medicaid!” gasped Sister. “I would never, ever put her in one of those horrible places that accept it!”

”Well, if she has spent all her money on this apartment place YOU decided she should visit, then gets sick, falls, and needs a different place, where will she get the funds for something that meets Your Highness’ lofty standards?”

A few beats of silence. “Well, from US, of course. That’s what children do for their parents, isn’t it?”

This is not a problem yet, but of course, could be any day now. Mom could easily live to 100 (genetics strong and oh, Lord, medical science can keep the old darlings hanging on forevvvvver these days), and when her money runs out (house is all she has) she will HAVE to have Medicaid, or go private pay, and the bottom line is, I vote the former, and Sister is clearly going to be Hell-bent on the latter.

i don’t think there’s a compromise, is there? I am unwilling to ask my husband to dig into our own (ample) retirement funds to bankroll what could be a very long, drawn-out gig. If my sister wants to spend her own money, that is her business, I suppose.

I dread the next few years. Has anyone else been utterly at odds, philosophically, with a sibling about this issue, and how did it pan out?

Care Decisions Paying for Care Relationships Siblings

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Emma, since your sister is going to make decisions with your Mom without your input, she can also make them without your money. Let her know, flat out, that when the time comes, you will provide emotional support and companionship for your Mom, but your money is your own and off limits. Let your sister know she better rethink her future plans where you are concerned. What she is assuming is rather selfish. Letting you know what she was up to with your Mom, after the fact is disrespectful. Draw your line now, before the bridge burns and make your stand, now. Good luck

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It is a very good idea to hash this out in the open BEFORE a crisis occurs.

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I recommend you invite your sister to a face to face conversation with a mediator. This is one of the services I provide for families. As the 4th of 5 kids, I am closest in proximity to our 91 year old mother who is in similar shape to yours. She owns nothing. Lives in an apartment. Has great genes for living another 10 years. Has only Social Security income and, when she can no longer live alone, will need a "Medicaid bed." As a certified dementia practitioner, I made some suggestions to my siblings a decade ago, that were met with some haughtiness. I took a deep breath, answered the email with the fact that there is always one sibling that is considered over-reactive or heartless, whether he/she is understood or not. I pointed out, matter-of-factly, that we each have a different relationship with Mom and different roles. Since, I left my emotions out of the conversation, the five of us have been so much more respectful. Instead of criticism, I get questions and offers of help.
A third person in the room - without emotional attachment to either of you - would help you show each other respect and help you get to a good working solution.

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Best answer yet. Thank you!

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My brother and I don't agree on anything. He has never helped take care of our mom. He breezes in...showboats and breezes out. After more than two years, I could no longer take are of my moms house and everything involved in managing someone with dementia while working full time and taking care of my own home, so I had to sell all of moms assets and move her into assisted living. Again, no help from my brother. When she runs out of money, she has no other choice but to go to a Medicaid accepting facility. I do not have the money to keep her in a memory care unit. My mother and I were never close and she was not a good mother to me growing up. Someone has to take care of her and she is not in her right mind, so I feel it is my duty as her child. I am angry that my brother will not help with her, but I can't force him to. With that being said, I would never assume my brother would pay for her care. Your sister should not be making assumptions with your money.

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I hear you. You are not alone in that this happens all the time, everywhere. The best thing for you to do, for your own emotional health, is to forgive your brother for not being as caring or "duty-bound" as you are. We each have talents and must not begrudge another for not sharing the same talent we have. If roles were reversed, I would not want him to be angry with you. Also, it's time to forgive your mother. Forgiveness is not a gift for the other person, but for you. Blessings on you.

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Rovana, Getting down to the "nickels & dimes" is a must for any major life decision. The ss I referred to is social security not $$. The Op seems more upset that her mom & sister did not consult her before they looked at options and very focused on Medicaid. I understand her concerns to a degree. That is why one thoroughly researches the different levels of care and/or future transitions. An honest and involved, key word is involved, conversation and understanding of her mom's situation is crucial. By her own admittance she has not been so inclined. What does her mom want? Go from there, talk and listen with open ears and an open mind. Btw I have no "we sisters". Do appreciate your input!!

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Dear Emma, one good thing is that nothing has actually happened yet, apart from a non-committal visit and the realisation that you and your sister have different ideas about the future. I don’t usually have much time for counsellors, but a visit to a mediator could be a good investment before things get worse. (Counsellors talk about your problems, mediators look for a compromise solution.) There should be sensible things for both you and your sister to do, now, before a crisis arises. I know that you have been ‘hands off’, but a weekend spent with your mother could give you a better idea about your sister’s concerns – and stop her saying that you know nothing. A visit by your sister to two or three facilities that take both private pay and Medicaid could give a better idea of what the future could hold. A talk to her doctor could give you unexpected information about your mother’s likely progression. A session drawing up budgets for different scenarios could help you both to think more carefully about the possible futures (and if you don’t have the skills, get help to do it). A talk to your mother about what she values about living in her own house, and what she feels about moving to a facility, should take the emphasis off what you and your sister think, and put it onto the person who really matters.

So far, you and your sister have both been comfortable about the way that your family type-casting has worked out. Things change, and you both need to be willing to change. In my family, I was the ‘brainy unsentimental one’, and it was a shock all round when I was the one who nursed my mother at home until she died. When things change, compromises happen. See if you and your sister (both of whom really care about your mother) can anticipate changes and come up with a workable option.

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That was excellent, Margaret. As a matter of fact, I have (since my original post) had a long phone conversation with my mother, and she is NOWHERE near being ready to move! Turns out she had made a casual comment to Sister about all the house and yard “upkeep,” sighing only half-seriously about “oh, sometimes I think it’s time to give it all up,” and whoooosh! Off Sister went to look at retirement apartments! Blessing in disguise, though. Mom took one look at the “old” folks there and thought, uh-UH, honey, not yet. “Some of them were using WALKERS!” she exclaimed. See, she still thinks of herself as way younger than that. Another thing she was wary of: “I’d just be afraid some of those old lonely women would always be knocking on my door wanting to talk!” She’s a loner by nature, and in-your-face socializing would be misery for her.

So, she ain’t a-goin’ nooooowhere for the time being. Bullet dodged. But thanks to you all, I do realize I’d better keep a keen eye on the sitch. Sister does have POA, but certainly can’t spend MY money, so I plan to relax and hope for the best for now (best being peaceful death in sleep for our parent in common, whether in one year or ten🙀)...

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Nope, been lucky that my sibs and and I agreed that whatever mom has is hers to spend for her comfort and safety. She is in a nice AL at age 93. We sold her house and are using the money for her care which should last 4-5 years. Nothing out of our pockets. She might also qualify for a government benefit called Aid and Attendance because my father was in the army during wartime.

If she runs out of money the AL will accept her as a Medicaid resident, or she will be moved to a sister facility if she needs skilled nursing care.

You would be well served if you did some research about Medicaid. It Is a government provision for people who are indigent, no money or resources . Sadly some people outlive their savings so Medicaid can help. Many senior facilities are required to allocate rooms or beds to a number of Medicaid residents.

If your mother has resources, cash, investments, a home, that money will have to be spent until she only has $2000 in assets before she can go on Medicaid. You need to contact a social worker now to get the facts and start organizing the paperwork, It can take months to get all the paperwork and approvals for Medicaid, it is not automatic just because you are old!

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One very good thing about this conversation is that you have each stated your feeling openly - not waited to have this conversation until there is a dire emergency. Could I suggest talking to your husband to get his take on this issue? Then you can present a united front on what to do when/if your mom needs nursing home care.

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Let me see if I understand the situation. Your Mom is 93 and has been blessed with pretty good health up to now. Your sister sees her often and talks to her daily, and accompanies her to appointments. She seems to think that Mom needs a little more care, supervision, socialization, less responsibilities, whatever. You see her occasionally and think she’s doing just fine as is. Is it possible that Sis is seeing changes or needs in Mom that you don’t see, but instead you attribute this to just her lovey-dovey personality? So...instead of worrying about Medicaid down the road, what if Sis is correct that Mom needs more help? In your opinion, what should you and Sis do about it? Anything? Just wait it out? Your Mom must have been on board for the visit...what does she want to do? Was she excited to tell you about it? After selling her house her resources may last for years and Medicaid may never even become an issue.

Can you finish your sentence “she will have too much cash to even APPLY for Medicaid, and by the time she spends it down—“... what will happen?

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When my mother's husband could no longer drive they became very isolated in their home. I too call my mother every day at least 2x, did all the dr's appts, shopping, pharmacy and all the things they were unable to. Even living only 13 miles away it became an untenable situation. My brother lived 1000 miles away and was unable to help. Tried the home aide route. Finally hired a housekeeper every other week as cleaning was too hard. As the one whose shoulders this fell on, I felt then and now that moving to independent living was the best solution. My brother wanted them to stay in their home. Which he was unwilling and unable to help contribute to financially in any way. Guess what? He had NO say. Until you are willing to walk in your sisters shoes neither do you. I used A Place for Mom and did extensive research on many scenarios. Financially it made more sense to cut out all the monthly home costs (they too had no mortgage). They included home insurance, taxes, water, gas, electric, yard maintenance, phone, food and major home repairs that crop up such as foundation repair, roof replacement, exterior painting, plumbing and a few I'm sure I have forgotten. Take the proceeds from the home sale and invest in an income generating mutual fund with a monthly payout + monthly ss Income + all the monies not spent on the house=sufficient funds for independent lvg. After her husband passed his ss income ceased and my husband and I cover the difference. We are not wealthy but were able to retire at 56 (me) and 65 (husband). Supporting my mother is not an issue for us, but apparently is for you. Why are you so focused on medicaid instead of what is best for your mom in her final years? Was your relationship with her so difficult? I am not trying to be unkind. Lord knows my mom and I have had some very difficult times throughout the years. The bottom line is I love her and will do whatever I can to make sure she is safe, secure, happy and well taken care of. After moving to independent lvg and losing her husband after only three months I wasn't sure how she would handle all the changes. I am so proud of her and the way she has adapted. She has friends, activities, a newfound independence and is even going on a cruise with the facility and her "girlfriends". Sure there are challenges, but I do not regret one thing I have done and will continue to do for her. If you do not want to contribute then butt out. Btw the "old darlings" comment really hit a nerve for me. Very cold and callous. I wish you the best and more importantly the best for your sister.

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Marykk, I'm not sure the issue is exactly selfishness - the OP sounds to me like the kind of "unsentimental" person who gets down to the nickels and dimes very quickly because so much in life finally does come down to money in making wise choices. The scenario she poses is quite realistic - what would happen if nursing home care is needed? If the house is sold and money spent on independent living, then how would the nursing home be financed if Medicaid is to be avoided? What $$$ are we talking about here and for how long? We sisters will take care of Mom - commendable, but what is the realistic price tag here? I would certainly be annoyed if sis implied that I would have to come up with money, but had no idea of how much, how long, etc. etc. What is wrong with realistic financial planning - particularly if a spouse is going to be asked to buy into this? It is not businesslike and maybe that is the difference between these sisters.
But the OP is concerned about mom's welfare - she does not want her mom to run into financial disaster! Her sister's attitude might make sense if we were talking about super rich people with trust funds, etc. But I don't think that is true here and financial prudence is not the same as not caring. I know the Queen of England does not carry money nor ever pay for things, since the trivia of money is beneath her notice - a lady in waiting takes care of it all - but the rest of us do have to consider $$.

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No, you do NOT pay for your mother's housing needs - future or now. You will need that for your own old age. I've had many a professional tell me just that.

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My mom was in a Medicaid nursing home for 18 mo before she passed and it was really nice, pretty well ran and clean, Nsg homes are Nsg homes- not like their home at any level... I don’t care how much you pay for it.

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We have to provide care for our parents, which means the necessities of life. I think you will feel better about things in the long run if you agree to a small, fixed amount (to be adjusted over time, as needed) with your sister. You'd have to come to terms on what her finances are already, of course, and try to agree on what is safe and comfortable (not elegant) in the future, adjusting along the way. This way, you will be doing well by your mother and could possible save your relationship with your sister.

Medicaid is for the poor, and we all pay for it with our taxes, so I do think it should be avoided to the extent possible.

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I suspect that the OP understands this but realizes that frugality is important - whereas the sister has other ideas of what constitutes "basic necessities".

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I know someone who spent her mom's money on round the clock in home care givers while she flew off every few weeks to supervise building of a house over a thousand miles away. Her sibling wanted to take mom into his home but this caregiver would not have it. The sibling ending up suing her for spending mom's money so she could run off for "short" 10 day vacations....Now they no longer speak.
It is not fair of your sister to expect you to spend your retirement savings if everything is blown on an expensive apartment and there is nothing left later for a nursing facility because no medicaid. I would not want my kids spending money they have saved for their own old age and then struggling for it later.

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Based on what you said, your sister should have discussed it with you first. At the same time, being unsentimental and semi detached will typically have this result. But being that it was just a visit and no decision was made, it's probably better for everyone involved, especially your mom, if you disregard any resentment for another time.

Since your mom has no cognitive issues, the decision is ultimately hers. Even if you and your sister are polar opposites, you can find common ground if you share the same goal, that being your mom's health, happiness and well being. If anything, you and your sister can provide your mom with info to help her make the right choice, and without the added stress of arguments, which could lead your mom to a decision she really doesn't want for herself. If your concern is about losing your half of the house, maybe your mom can live with one of you. That would lessen the fall risk. And if no one is willing to sacrifice anything, then it's not worth arguing over either.

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I recommend seeing an elder law attorney. There are Medicaid-approved annuities. Maybe your mother could use the proceeds from selling the house to purchase such an annuity. As for the unilateral decisions made by your sister, I can relate to the feelings. My brother decided to move my 88 year-old mother into his house. No consultation with me. No prior notice. No discussion with me. Now, he's in a deeper depression than ever. He's miserable. She's miserable. I have reached my limit on listening to the nonstop negativity from both of them. My suggestions for changing the situation are rejected outright or met with "we'll see" or "yeah, I know". It's very difficult, and has caused me a lot of emotional pain. So, now I stay out of the discussions about how miserable they are. When the negativity begins, I hang up the phone or leave quickly. Unless you have agreed to pay for an apartment or facility, then you have no obligation to drain your own retirement funds.

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I know exactly what you are going through, and this is just the start of your sister 'doing what she thinks should be done'. My younger sister is super controlling and manipulative and has convinced my mother (who has dementia and alzheimers) that she is her guardian angel and blocks us from doing anything with her.

It was very arrogant of your sister to make such a big decision about your Mom without consulting the other sibling(s) and then expect everyone to be onboard and contribute money. Personally I do not allow other people to spend my money or make decisions about my money for me. It's not about 'not wanting to help' or being selfish about money, it's about being smart to ensure your mother's financial well being is intact and being part of the decision process.

Update after reading other posts: Based on your sister's actions, don't let her have full POA. Maybe a trust or neutral 3rd party (attorney) oversee mom's financial well being. My sister convinced us to let her be on mom's bank account and now she spends what she wants, is not transparent and when we question what she is spending, she tells us 'it's none of your business'. Big, big mistake, and having to seek legal counsel and get local authorities involved.

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Parents don’t realize when they set up POA what kind of control they give their children and how many of them abuse that POA.

There are so many stories on this website of siblings whose relationship is ruined beyond repair due to unnecessary control of parents especially when they get dementia.

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Do you really have a handle on mom's budget? Does she pay her own bills now, or does somebody help her?
It would be good for you both to have some knowledge of her financial situation before obligating her to such a facility.
As a side story, when my dad sold his house and went to a senior facility (independent living - his choice), I was thinking that we would be contributing to the budget. The reality is that many bills go away - water, electric, real estate taxes, house upkeep - it was actually cheaper than him living in his own house. As we have needed some extra services to help him during the day, they have been reasonably priced. (He's 95 now and has been living in the same place for 5 years)
Your knowledge of the situation will go a long way to help you and your sister maintain a good relationship.

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I hear your concerns - mom could be financially destitute, you will be footing the bill, and you do not want the financial responsibility. All are valid concerns and must be addressed.

I hear you sister's concerns too - mom is not as able as she used to be, mom deserves to be cared for well, and she is devoted to making this happen. All are valid concerns too and should be addressed.

Rather than an "either or" decision that favors one of you. You need to discuss what mom needs now - probably no change - as well as plans for what to do when she needs more help. The "help" part can take many forms: family assisting with whatever each person is comfortable with providing, paid for "help" while mom lives in her own home, and/or moving into a residential facility if mom is unable to live in her own place. Since you are the brainy one:, do your research on options available for "help" near mom. Also, try to get your mom and sister to look at mom's finances so you can see where the money currently goes and what would be available if you needed "paid help". You will probably need to be the one to create different types of "care plans" for mom based on available resources. Do so and present them to mom and sister in a family meeting.

Since mom has all her marbles, somebody (probably you) needs to get mom to an elder lawyer to get legal documents prepared: will, POA, DNR... Also talk with mom and sister about memorial/funeral arrangements and the financial obligations that go with those types of services. Memorials/funerals can easily cost $1000 or more. Funds should be set aside for this and a person designated to handle the arrangements with access to those funds.

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The home for my MIL was a neat compromise....if you did self pay for 5 years, then when her assets run out, she can stay there on Medicaid. Perhaps see if there is a community like that?

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My MIL is on Medicaid and in an extremely nice LTC facility. It's on a large lake, they take the residents out on boat rides, have raised garden beds for residents to garden, have beautiful grounds and a very attentive staff. Yesterday they took them to a Llama ranch and lunch.

It would be a good idea for you to go to a few places that are local to your sister, find out if they take Medicaid, get their pricing and take your own pictures of the facility and people doing things together (the brochures are often stock photos). Most places do not publish their prices or floor layouts or details and require in-person visit for that, so it is just as well you eyeball it in person to examine the fine details yourself. If you would be willing to take up this effort for your sister, it will help dispel the myth about bad old nursing homes of yore. After all, you have to give evidence to make your case. Good luck!

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Where is this facility? I want to put my own name on the list now. LOL

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It is best to get to an elder care attorney to address immediately. Ask about a medicaid promissory note. This is what you do when a parent has some dough and it would enable you to save about half of her assets before Medicaid would start picking up the rest. Do this right away so that you are prepared for it because the time can come very quickly. My father went downhill and passed away quickly. My mom is now in a nursing home. Once the assets are depleted by about half we will have about half left before Medicaid picks up. But you must get an attorney to handle.

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Just curious... forgive me if I'm missing something obvious. For whom would half of the assets be saved? The OP says that her mother lives alone.

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.Your perception that mom is taking care of herself might not be the one that your sister has. She does see her more and knows more. Maybe sis is having to do more and more and that is becoming really hard for her. She sees around the corner and would rather find a place for her before it becomes a crisis. At 93, mom might have more aches and pains and is at more risk of falling and hurting herself. I can't see sis as being wrong here. You are not wrong either: Mom's financial situation is stronger the longer she stays put in her paid for house.
Many adults are facing that balance: keeping a parent safe and keeping an eye on the financials.
How many years of assisted living will the sale of her house provide for?
If you feel it would help, ask your sister why she feels now is a good time to start transitioning to senior living. Honestly, if the house will pay for a few years, and if mom is on board for it, I'd get mom into senior living yesterday. She will be safer, have no house to care for, have opportunity for social experiences. She's not 83, she's 93.

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Many thanks for this, Inkandpaper. You make some good points. I do still think, though, that whatever place she moves to WILL have to be a continuum one, that will accept Medicaid when we need it, because a mere apartment in a senior place won’t be much different from her little house now, except there would be no lawn (or roof, or plumbing, or dated A/C,etc.) to deal with—she’d still have to move AGAIN if medical issues arose that required more care. And as you say, she IS 93, not 83, so even her excellent constitution is bound to start breaking down at some point. Her sister lasted until 95, even with severe dementia and multiple health issues. Mom has none of those, so planning for her to be 100 isn’t unreasonable! Sure, if we knew (with help of that elusive crystal ball) that she’d pop off peacefully at 95, we could put her in the equivalent of the Old Folks Waldorf Astoria, pay cash, and feel mighty fine about it. But, alas!

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At this point, I would not say anything negative. Does it seem Mom is just going along with Sis and no way would she move. Seems like she is doing OK on her own. Then...are you in an area where the house will sell quickly? Because, Mom will need that to pay for the Independent living. Nothing will happen overnight.

I have a SIL who really can't handle money. Drives my brother nuts. She has no idea how to budget. When Dad died she said we all should send Mom an allowance monthly. This always pisses me off when people assume we have extra money. Not that we don't but I hate the assumption. I told her to wait to see how Mom does. She did great. This is the SIL who sends my Mom no BD or MD presents. Christmas? Maybe 3 months later when they visit a gift and its always something my Mom would never wear. I gave away a lot of never worn tops. I suggested money and then I'd take Mom shopping, which is what I always did. Then she got what she wanted. Nope, and then to say she will send an an allowance? Love the girl but she would never have followed thru. Never sent Mom money just to send it. So, I just un huh.

Your sister is in LaLa land. Who has POA? Someone should have it and it should be u. If this situation becomes serious, you need to sit sister down and explain in no way are you going to pay for Mom to be in an Independent living. Your savings is for your retirement. So, if this is what Mom wants, then the house will need to be sold. The proceeds put aside and used to help pay for her IL. Her SS and any pension can be used to offset the cost, using the house proceeds for whatever her SS and pension do not cover. She will be getting her meals so no big grocery shopping there. If she runs short, then you can give her money. But for ur sister to assume you will pay for her ideas, no.

Don't think ahead too much. (This is from someone who does) I feel if parents have money, then use it. They have a house, then sell it to help pay for IL or an AL. Worry about how are you going to pay when her money starts running out. Moms 93 she isn't going to live forever. She may eventually need LTC. We never know what tomorrow brings. At that time you spend down what she has and apply for Medicaid. If sister doesn't want this, then she can care for Mom with you helping.

You seem to be the down to earth one. Set boundries when you need to but let some things go for now.

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This is great advice. I might also add that your contribution right now to helping mom is the record keeping of the finances.

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Who has the durable POA? If your sister wants to support your mother let her, don't dip into your retirement funds. Your sister is living in Na, Na land..when I read the banter "I will never move my LO in a home" I cringe, so unrealistic. Old timey thinking, when people only lived to age 70, my mother is 94 and she will most likely outlive me.

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https://www.caregiver.org/what-every-caregiver-needs-know-about-money

Interesting article.

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I'm the sentimental sister in your scenario you just described.

I hate to say it but I would have most likely been on your sister's side if I thought my siblings would have pitched in financially. I never even asked cause I know which way the wind blows in my family.

I guess it boils down to what you just said. Your sis and mom are extremely close and you said it's okay with you. You've accepted your role as the not as close to your mom daughter. So I guess you'll never know where your sis is coming from and she probably will never know where you are coming from.

I get your logic but from an emotional standpoint, I get your sis's logic too.

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For myself, reminding myself, that it is about the patient, not the sibling' s conveniences. I am looking at this thread for help with similar issues that I cannot disclose. Watching the siblings argue for 4 years about "our" loved one.

Emma, there will be what's best for your Mom!
I think you will either agree, compromise, or fight for Mom's best care.
I like that you are leaving it alone, watch and observe for awhile.

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These were very good responses: thank you all. For now, with her doing fine, I think I will leave it alone. She wasn’t 100% thrilled with this retirement place, mainly because she is not a people person, and there seemed to be people everywhere! And she is slllllllow to accept change, always has been, so she will need to “think about all this” for a while. Meaning, she will dither back and forth, and probably not want to move. So, fingers crossed, perhaps she can stay just as she is, and die suddenly in her sleep, as of course we’d all like to do. Or have a health crisis/fall that makes a move unavoidable, in which case, THEN will be the time to have that Medicaid talk with Sister.

Caregivers in her house? No way. Medicaid won’t pay for that, as I understand, and without selling that house she couldn’t afford two months of what I know they cost! If that. Sister has a husband, so her moving in with Mom won’t happen. That’s rather a shame; that would suit them both. Mom could move in with Sister, but they downsized to a house that would make that a tight situation. Well, not my circus.

That continuum-of-care place advice was the best, thanks. If something happens, that would be the only reasonable option.

My husband is a lawyer, and suggested we consult an elder-care lawyer (not his field). This is probably what we will do if things move into dangerous territory later on. Sentimental Sis and Practical Me definitely need a neutral mediator!

Thanks, again.

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go for the mediation now before it’s too late. My sibling & I used to be very close until it came to caring for our elderly mother. He did nothing to help until she could no longer handle her finances & then started to tell me how I was going to do everything- he had POA. Needless to say, we no longer speak & he took my mom with dementia to amend her trust to benefit himself removing me completely.

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Personally I don't think you are at the compromise stage yet and yes it will become a problem...a big one. Start right now letting your sister know that you two are a universe apart with what you see as your expected roles. Let her know that her statement "that's what children do" is nothing more than her opinion, which you do not share. Become clear in your mind what YOU feel are your responsibilities/duties towards your Mother and let that dictate what you choose to do or not do. Then live what you decide.
I could say so much more but I think this might be a good place to start. Best of luck and know there are people here for support.

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I agree with this from TryingMyBest, letting her know that you are a world apart, that honestly you do not feel that your funds saved by you and your mate for your own retirement, should be used up in the care of your parents. That would leave your own children if any to pay for you? That isn't a great way of doing it. If the Sister knows this, then the mom who sounds pretty hale and hearty right now with just her caring visits, can stay independent while she can. When she needs care her home can be saved for the care. I would leave most of this, including POAs and etc in the hands of the sister most close to her, most involved, most readily available, just as it is now. But making it clear I would not be giving funds in all likelihood in the future. Mom is of an age, and may well have enough with her home for a comfortable last years, but Sis has a right to know now that the costs won't be shared, so any funds should not be squandered. Seems only the decent thing to do. Do it gently, but say we see it very differently. She may want to make you the Bad Sister. But that's fine. Just own it and wear it proudly. What can you say when someone chooses to label you?

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It sounds as though you and your sister need to get on the same page about financial expectations.

I participate in a financial forum (BogleHeads.org)--I recommend it highly! Lots of folks there who feel that providing financially for parents is a non-starter; equal numbers who are shocked that the rest of us don't think that this is our duty.

Sometimes, these differences can be due to cultural differences, but in the case of you and your sister, probably not. Is she a financially astute person? Is she independently wealthy? Sometimes, when there is a huge disparity in the resources that siblings are dealing with, this can lead to a difference of opinion. Sometimes, of course, one sibling simply hasn't thought about just how much money we're talking about, and for how many years.

I would urge you to sit down with your sister, alone (i.e., not with mom; possibly with spouses, if she has one) and lay out, calmly and unemotionally the fact that you are not going to fund mom's old age. You need to make this clear at the outset, otherwise you are going to be on the hook for saying "well, no, not now, maybe a little money, oh well...". Don't do that. Get it out in the open.

It's a reasonable position and a legal one. Just tell her and get it over with. If your mother is offended, that's really just too bad. Money and love are not equivalents. And bad care can be had in expensive facilities too; my mom was in a facility that accepted Medicaid and her care was just what she needed.

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Polar opposite sibling approaches! I don’t think there’s a compromise, is there?

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