I live in a mult-generational home where several of us take care of mom. She is 90 years old but appears 10 years younger than she really is. Professionals tell me all of the time to place her in either assisted living or a nursing home. How can I do this when her final wish has always been to die at home. Isn't that what most people want? I am sure that is the consensus is you ask anyone where they want to live when they turn 80 and up. I can understand if a parent has debilitating Dementia/Alzheimer's disease but that is not the issue with my mother. Yes, she can be very demanding...I think elderly people aren't aware that they are being ornery and just believe it is natural that a daughter or son would want to wait on them. We have grown up in a society that believes the elderly are no longer productive members of our society and therefore useless; but have we ever stopped to think of the wisdom these oldsters have accumulated throughout their lives. I watch my mother with my 4 year old grand child and it is amazing how gentle and patient mom is with this child. Additionally, my grand child treats her as her playmate as my mother plays dolls with her endlessly and tells her nursery rhymes and songs while they play together. Sure, it's a lot of work and daughters/sons/grandchildren, etc. who take care of their parents do not really have lives of their own. But if families really work together without losing their peace of mind, it can be done. Again, I am not talking about a parent who is severely ill has to be lifted onto a hoyer lift to get out of bed or has no control over bowels has severe enough incontinence to be diapered. Or someone who is bed ridden by a debilitating disease and no longer can reason or hold a conversation. These are exceptions where I can definitely understand the need of a nursing home to intervene. But if the parent can still walk, feed himself/herself, carry on a conversation, add richness to the life a child then why shorten this person's life by throwing them away. I know my opinion is in opposition to so many negative responses on this website, but try to remember, God is giving us a gift, to have more time with our loved one and I have to consider it in this context in order to keep doing my job of taking care of her. I know I won't regret it when she is gone.
Second, I interpret honoring someone as including respect and support. It seems that your extended family are providing support. There's no indication, however, of any details, but for purposes of response I'm going to assume that that support is with love and care by family members.
Third, it's not unusual for "professionals" (and in fact, who ARE these "professionals" - medical ones?) to recommend facility placement. It's easy for them in their professions to believe that multiple medical personnel in a facility can provide more appropriate care than a family. And that's true in many cases.
Fourth, your mother may reach a state in which she needs more medical support than can be provided by the family. What do you feel would be best for her at that point? That's a decision that needs to be made by whoever may be her primary caregiver, medically and legally, and in your case the other participating family members.
HOWEVER, that decision needs to be guided by the medical needs as identified by medical professionals.
Fifth, if your mother at some point needs more care than can be provided in the extended family environment, your obligation in honoring her would I think be best met by providing the care she needs at that time. To deprive her of that would in fact be dishonoring her.
So your interpretation of the religious commandment really turns on how you view "honor" which in the case of an elderly person can evolve and change as the person slides into older age and perhaps more complicated medical problems.
Another assumption you seem to be making is that all long term care/assistive living residents are wallowing in misery and despair. Not true! I think assistive living can be the ideal environment for some people, providing entertainment, companionship with peers and medical oversight all in one package. Long term care can be more problematic as those residents are often suffering from advanced dementia or severe physical disability. Often when our loved ones reach that stage the family can no longer provide appropriate care, it doesn't mean they are being abandoned, just that the role of daily caregiver/companion has changed to one of management and support.
I'm not sure what point your post was meant to make. Are people in fact leaning on you to turf your mother out of her family home? If so, who are they and what is their reasoning? If not, I'm very happy for you and glad that your mother is so well supported by her large and loving family.
I can't imagine any doctor who would recommend placing a senior who has no health issues, no mobility issues and no mental impairment in a long term care facility, when they are already living in a home with family. I don't get that. What would be the reason?
Are you saying you just don't want the senior in your home, but you acquiesce out of of guilt due to a Bible verse? Maybe I'm just not following it.
To me, it's great that the seniors live with family as long as they are content and physically able. If they aren't, then other options must be explored. It's not out of some disrespect or meanness, but necessity. We honor our parents with our attitude and conduct everyday. And when we place them in a safe environment where they can get the care they need, that's also honoring them, IMO.
You come across as someone who never put anyone away, let alone your parent. You would be loving and honoring her just like you are now. Please take into account you are not failing if there comes a time when a change may be needed. Her safety and care ultimately is the best way to honor her and God ultimately.
How long has it been since you've seen some of the facilities? Some of them are like 4 star hotels. A friend found one for her father that had more amenities than some of the estate homes in the area (no hot tubs though).
Sunrise Assisted Living, in our area, has Victorian style buildings, complete with fretwork. There's a resident pet - I don't remember if it's a cat or dog, or both. The meals are gourmet, though, which would be too upscale for our family. We like good homestyle food, not Martha Stewart type meals.
One of the SNFs I found for my father after his 2 hip fractures was configured like a lodge - massive fireplace with lounge area, several conversation areas, and lots more. It was absolutely beautiful.
The chef was just that - he had formerly been the chef at a 4 star upscale restaurant. The meals were a la carte - not just one lump of packaged and warmed up potatoes and a lump of vegetables. It was a 100 mile drive round trip for me but I enjoyed going there because it was nicer than my own home, and I didn't even have to do any cleaning!
If you are in CA, contact the Area Agency on Aging and ask if they're have a fall expo. In my area, they're held every fall, alternating locations between the east and west side of the metropolitan area. You'll find plenty of facilities at various step up levels; get their literature, find some that interest you and go for a tour.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
I also suggest that we all, including me, stop using the phrase "put her away". It has such a negative connotation.
If I was told by a medical professional (and I was) that mom needed supervision and medical monitoring 24 hours a day and hand over hand assistance with ADLS, I would ask why (dementia, aphasia, chf, limited mobility). And then I would make a plan for that LEVEL of care. If someone tells you that your dependent parent NEEDS something, you honor them by getting it for them. What it looks like depends very much on the elder's financial situation, the family's housing and work situations and temperments. I don't think that in home or in facility care are either of them inherently better or worse. I grew up with a grandparent her living in our already cramped home.
And just for the record, I find the term "put away" enormously offensive.
"we all know" is an especially nonresponsive introduction. No one in fact knows what "we" all know, nor is your conclusion factual.
However, I'm not going to waste time debating you beyond pointing out that assumptive error.
There are other statements in that last post that are debatable, but it's not worth the effort to point out the factually assumptive errors.
And by the way, I have checked out some facilities locally, used some as placements and been satisfied with the results. One facility even exceeded my expectations.
If you want to believe that you're providing better care as well as cling to what I consider biased views of facility living, that's certainly your choice.
I do wish you and your family well, though.
If you had a bad experience with the Catholic Serices community, try another and another and another until you find one that seems appropriate. Looking at one is not a fair representation of what is available.
It is honoring your parent to find the level of care and community that is appropriate when recommended by medical or other professionals in elder care. This is not putting her away, on a shelf to only be taken down when convenient for you. It is a different level of care than you have been providing for sure. But, your family will still be needed to advocate for her and visit with her, take her out for a drive, a meal at a favorite restaurant, or just a walk around the grounds.
That said, I believe there are better, more compassionate places out there, many who post on this site have found them! It's too bad they seem to be the exception rather than the rule.
Now that Glad has pointed out this is really GloNorth, I understand Bodega Bay's position and realize that further "advice" is a waste of time.
Are you here to brag that you are honoring your mother better than those of us who have parents in care centers? If so, please go get your strokes somewhere else. Giving you a medal is not our purpose here.
Are you trying to justify you lack of action in resolving your own problems by saying, in effect, "God makes me do"?
You don't need to justify it, at least not to us. You can make any decisions you want to about your life, including not being employed and instead devoting your life to the care of your mother. If that satisfies you, I am glad for you. Probably most of us are glad for you, if you are happy with your own decisions.
But please, try to express your happiness without sounding like a criticism of everyone else.
If you really want some advice or actual discussion, try again, by posing an question we can respond to, without feeling we need to defend ourselves first.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-not-asking-brother-for-his-help-too-174102.htm
This is from one of FF's responses:
"glornorth59, good heavens, months ago you were ready to move out of your Mom's house, have your son and his fiancée take care of your Mom, and you rebuild your life by having your own apartment and finding employment. Changes aren't going to happen unless you make those changes".
A lot seems to have changed since then, especially in the approach of Bodega Bay.
And here I originally thought this was a new poster, not an existing one with a new name, posting with a completely different (sanctimonious?) approach.
(thanks to GladI'mHere for this astute bit of detective work.)
glornorth59, good heavens, months ago you were ready to move out of your Mom's house, have your son and his fiancée take care of your Mom, and you rebuild your life by having your own apartment and finding employment. Changes aren't going to happen unless you make those changes
Still, I suppose one can either accept the situation one is in, or one can work to change it; and if she has chosen the former option - albeit possibly under a questionable new influence - then as long as it makes her happy that's fine by me.
However, if she HAS dementia, you should note that it is progressive. The burden will become heavier and it may no longer be safe to have her around young children.
It would be nice if ALL of us, elderly and young, could always have what we want in life. Life, unfortunately, often has other plans.
One thing I realize is that my mother wants to stay at home so she won't have to do things on other people's schedule. She would have to wake up in time to get her meals and to get dressed before breakfast. It could be that it would be better for her if she did. Because I am here caring for her in her home, she doesn't have to go to facility. She refuses it. That is okay with me as long as she can stay home. It is up to her and if I am able to do the things she needs. But I definitely am not providing a higher level of care than she would get in a community.
I crunched the numbers a while back about how much it would cost for my mother to go to assisted living. It would cost her about $500 more a month than she receives from SS and pensions right now. It was doable if she needed it or wanted it. We would just need to take some of her money out of savings. The costs actually seem high at first glance until you start looking at the numbers. There is an apartment, utilities, meals, transportation, social interaction, and some personal assistance for around $3000 a month. This really isn't bad. Higher levels of care, of course, would cost more. Even when someone is in AL, family can still help and add to the parent's life.
Then there are nursing facilities, which differ greatly. Most people don't go into these until their final months on earth, so we don't expect anyone to be up playing basketball and square dancing. It is what it is. The final days are not pretty days and good staff have to know when they are doing a good enough job keeping people clean and cared for. Knowing that elders can suffer from incontinence and poop problems, it is amazing that the staff can keep everything as clean as they do. Still... we can't look at NHs and say AL is like that.
So, I can only say that IL and AL may be superior to family care in many instances. NHs are a different matter, since people there are less capable. I know life can still be good, though. It mostly depends on the person and how sick they are. Our loved ones continue to be persons when they are older, though sometimes we start talking about them like they are objects being pushed here and there. (I'd like to see someone make my mother do something she didn't want to. She is definitely still a person and not an object!)
If you want to have a DISCUSSION, post under discussion. I for one don't "know" anyone on this board any more than I "know" you.
I told you how my family came to decide that mom needed to be in Independent Living and later in a Nursing Facility. I am not being hateful and I doubt anyone else was doing so. I won't burden you with answers to your questions or discussions any longer, since you don't seem to want answers, only validation of the position that you've apparently been forced into. Best of luck.